Connection

[streaM Freak]

Be honest, what path in life do you believe is most reasonable for those who do not feel connection to others as deeply as the majority.

What do you suppose someone in that situation should do. Line of work, life style, dead or alive, id like to know how we as a community feel about this.

A lot of addicts may be seen this way when a drug is prioritized. And we know they are often alienated, but don't necessarily want to be and often completely do not want to be.

Would the world be better off without those who proudly don't connect? If they do have a place, where on earth would that be.

 

[NullVoidXIII]

If what you're expected to connect to is a bunch of toxic melodrama that drove you into the direction of your addictions in the first place, than why would you want to connect to that? That's the opposite of what you want.

I believe that nobody wakes up one day and says "oh boy, I think I want to become addicted to substances now."

More often times than not there's either a highly traumatic event or series of events which triggered the Hell out of someone's psychological state of mind and what once was a coping mechanism accidentally becomes an addiction problem.

And the most common theme being, that those traumatic triggers tend to be constants in those peoples lives, so they keep using, because they keep being traumatized and so on and so forth.

It is true that the first step to healing and recovery is the admittance that you have a problem.
The second step being the "how do I work on resolving this problem" realization where you start trying to come up with ways to get out of it.
That path, sobering up, or sometimes even just tapering down, is never an easy path.

But if you have environmental factors that trigger you than you need to change that environment, and if you cannot change that environment, than you have to try to change what you are going to do about your triggers, and that is IF you can even change that for something healthier in terms of a coping mechanism and replacing old bad habits with new good habits.

The thing is though, that admittance that you have a problem has to be there first and foremost.
And wanting to resolve that problem also has to be there.
Without those two things, there just will be no recovery.
Those are ALWAYS the first two steps.

The world is not "better off without people who proudly do not connect," rather, the person who does not connect is likely not wanting to connect for probably very understandable reasons, and nobody has told them that their reasoning is justified.
--For example:
If you have a boss at work that is an overbearing asshole, it's perfectly justified to hate your boss, want to quit your job because of it and/or follow through with quitting your job because of it. That is justified.
It's NOT justified however, to walk into work one day with a submachine gun and blow your boss away. That's uncalled for.

Nobody tells people who are struggling with addiction this though, because they are afraid of the second scenario happening.
There's a (frankly) incorrect assumption that people who are struggling with addiction are having their perceptions warped by the drugs they are addicted to. While that CAN happen with extremely heavy use, most of the time such is just not the case.
It's actually usually more of a "I got traumatized and triggered and my coping mechanisms accidentally became a problem," or some kind of a variation.

I remember a day specifically when I was heavily drinking...
I used to go to 3 different liquor stores, all 3 staff at all 3 liquor stores knew my drink of choice for bottom, middle and top shelf AND knew me by first name.
It got bad for a while.
Like I was keeping a 2 litre of liquor in my car trunk for my lunch break level of bad, and on one day in particular I tried NOT to drink on my lunch break and noticed I was starting to get the shakes.

THAT was the red flag for me. That was the day I realized I had a problem.
My father's a hardcore alcoholic, can't control himself at all, won't admit he has a problem, drank himself into hospital and rehab, got out and a week later went right back to drinking again.
So I began to see myself like that and I, decided I didn't want to be my father.

It was kind of all downhill from there. Drinking lost its fun for me for the most part with a few occasional exceptions.
What I didn't expect however, is how damn long it would take me to actually stop drinking.
It took me. literally years after that. Like 5 - 8 years. But eventually, yeah, I kicked the bottle.

I can now have the occasional drink but, due to my history with it, it just kicks my ass physically too much and so because of that I rarely drink at all anymore. The occasional 4 shots at a friends place over the course of like an 8 hour day hanging out, but that's all. Long and far cry from where I used to be with it.

 

[streaM Freak]

@KurtAurelius what do you think?

 

[chippermonk]

Be honest, what path in life do you believe is most reasonable for those who do not feel connection to others as deeply as the majority.

What do you suppose someone in that situation should do. Line of work, life style, dead or alive, id like to know how we as a community feel about this.

A lot of addicts may be seen this way when a drug is prioritized. And we know they are often alienated, but don't necessarily want to be and often completely do not want to be.

Would the world be better off without those who proudly don't connect? If they do have a place, where on earth would that be.

Well, I think there is always a place for people who more or less prefer a solitary life. Some jobs are really good for that, like say backcountry wilderness ranger for the Park Service, or maybe night watchman. Those are very useful occupations.
I have always liked a large measure of solitude, so for recreation I have often hiked and backpacked alone. For work, I generally worked alone, fixing things for people and interacting as necessary, but taking lunch and coffee breaks on my own mostly.
Of course, I am not really antisocial, I'm just private and need a lot of alone time But over the past some years I have learned that I DO like and need connection and have made much more effort to have it. There are reasons to be private, things to be private about, but they don't preclude connections with others. I think you can recognize and honor your desire to disconnect without being a misanthrope and outcast, but maybe that's just me.
As for the drug use isolating a person, well, that's more complicated. Drug addiction itself can push out personal connections. It's hard to nurture connections when you prioritize drugs, and human connections do need nurturing. That's one of the chief things that controls my drug use, knowing that I can fuck up my friendships and loves, so I keep it a secretive and sometimes damaging thing, but not too bad overall. I would likely get a lot higher if I was really alone, so I fight the urge to withdraw into myself chronically.

 

[Ki3ly]

Mental illness or drugs don't make you do things. It doesn't even make people hate you. Your underlying personality that comes out full force

when you're ill, is what makes people dislike someone.

So, your personality is your hard wiring and it's how you react to your environment.

But if you have an illness, say, like bipolar disorder or anxiety. Disorders disrupt your equilibrium. And can bring out negative aspects of your personality even more.

But those illnesses themselves don't make people do things to hurt other people. So what is a personality disorder?

A Personality disorder is a pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates from the expectations of a person's culture. That's the official definition.

What's inner experience? Look at the classic filled glass example. If you see this as half full and I see it is half empty, we are two different perspectives

based on our inner experience. One being more negative and the other more positive. Both perspectives can still be very correct though,

but they take on different or opposite tones. Also with a personality disorder this pattern of inner experience and behavior must affect two out of four areas:

the way you think, the way you express emotion,

the way you relate to people or your impulse control.


Also, the pattern of inner experience and behavior is inflexible, and you see it show up in multiple areas of your life. The pattern goes back to late adolescence

or early adulthood. And the pattern leads to problems like either internal distress or problems in your relationships or your work or school.

What makes a person have a personality disorder? Of course it's not exactly known. Some of the disorders run in families.

So they're praising you on what they need to hear in combination with inattention to your real emotional needs.
This is how you get the excessive need for validation.

And those may want to be helped or are at least asking about this question, because they realize how much of the problem affects their relationships.

But sometimes the Insights don't last that long. It's like a rubber band that stretches out and then springs right back.


I hope that we can just keep pushing forward. It could be that over time as you get older the negative aspects of your personality just kind of calm down a bit.




There's a lot more probably to be unpacked with this issue.





And Yes. Self awareness helps so much.






If you're going to heal from the trauma of the past you're going to need to get

your power ( Energy ) back. That life force that is generally drained and suppressed by trauma that gives you energy and focus

each day to get up and take care of yourself. Now not necessarily the power over other people. It's that power as the inner resource

inside where you know your next right action and you have the strength and confidence to actually take that action because

it takes energy to get up in the morning it takes power to take a shower to brush your teeth to get to work on

time. And it takes power to get a job and it takes power to leave a job that no longer works for you. It takes power to learn something new.



Right, to create something to develop yourself to be ready for a new job maybe and it takes power to hold your ground and stay calm around difficult

people. So this is really what empowerment is, it's not something other people give you. Or as in, I empowered these people. And it's not

really something that can be given it's something that rises up within yourself through consistent positive actions in the atmosphere of your basic good self

but power is also something that you can make Stronger by steering clear of things that drain your power.






I am what I am today

..... because I did it my way

Nothing else to say

In this life or the next life J

If they do have a place, where on earth would that be.

 

[KurtAurelius]

@KurtAurelius what do you think?

The world is not better off without these kinds of people and needs the opposing view in order to not be a hive mind of homogeneity, to point out flaws and fallacy’s within the constructs we have built.

Their place is as reasonable a compromise between society needs and theirs.
That’s the only one I can ascertain..

In my very biased opionion lol but a very good question. I’ll have to read everyone else’s thoughts too

 

[KurtAurelius]

Mental illness or drugs don't make you do things. It doesn't even make people hate you. Your underlying personality that comes out full force

when you're ill, is what makes people dislike someone.

So, your personality is your hard wiring and it's how you react to your environment.

But if you have an illness, say, like bipolar disorder or anxiety. Disorders disrupt your equilibrium. And can bring out negative aspects of your personality even more.

But those illnesses themselves don't make people do things to hurt other people. So what is a personality disorder?

A Personality disorder is a pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates from the expectations of a person's culture. That's the official definition.

What's inner experience? Look at the classic filled glass example. If you see this as half full and I see it is half empty, we are two different perspectives

based on our inner experience. One being more negative and the other more positive. Both perspectives can still be very correct though,

but they take on different or opposite tones. Also with a personality disorder this pattern of inner experience and behavior must affect two out of four areas:

the way you think, the way you express emotion,

the way you relate to people or your impulse control.


Also, the pattern of inner experience and behavior is inflexible, and you see it show up in multiple areas of your life. The pattern goes back to late adolescence

or early adulthood. And the pattern leads to problems like either internal distress or problems in your relationships or your work or school.

What makes a person have a personality disorder? Of course it's not exactly known. Some of the disorders run in families.

So they're praising you on what they need to hear in combination with inattention to your real emotional needs.
This is how you get the excessive need for validation.

And those may want to be helped or are at least asking about this question, because they realize how much of the problem affects their relationships.

But sometimes the Insights don't last that long. It's like a rubber band that stretches out and then springs right back.


I hope that we can just keep pushing forward. It could be that over time as you get older the negative aspects of your personality just kind of calm down a bit.




There's a lot more probably to be unpacked with this issue.





And Yes. Self awareness helps so much.






If you're going to heal from the trauma of the past you're going to need to get

your power ( Energy ) back. That life force that is generally drained and suppressed by trauma that gives you energy and focus

each day to get up and take care of yourself. Now not necessarily the power over other people. It's that power as the inner resource

inside where you know your next right action and you have the strength and confidence to actually take that action because

it takes energy to get up in the morning it takes power to take a shower to brush your teeth to get to work on

time. And it takes power to get a job and it takes power to leave a job that no longer works for you. It takes power to learn something new.



Right, to create something to develop yourself to be ready for a new job maybe and it takes power to hold your ground and stay calm around difficult

people. So this is really what empowerment is, it's not something other people give you. Or as in, I empowered these people. And it's not

really something that can be given it's something that rises up within yourself through consistent positive actions in the atmosphere of your basic good self

but power is also something that you can make Stronger by steering clear of things that drain your power.






I am what I am today

..... because I did it my way

Nothing else to say

In this life or the next life J

Very good take on personality disorder, as someone with one…

 

[KurtAurelius]

Be honest, what path in life do you believe is most reasonable for those who do not feel connection to others as deeply as the majority.

What do you suppose someone in that situation should do. Line of work, life style, dead or alive, id like to know how we as a community feel about this.

A lot of addicts may be seen this way when a drug is prioritized. And we know they are often alienated, but don't necessarily want to be and often completely do not want to be.

Would the world be better off without those who proudly don't connect? If they do have a place, where on earth would that be.

I’ve always thought of this a stereotype, like a autistic/schizoid loner, that their place is in a physical realm, or in a scientific, with tools or designing things.

For a drug user, it is very simple when you see Heroin replacement studies and if crack smokers were offered Methylphenidate replacement or something similar. They’d fit in well enough to help out and enjoy their lives.

Everyone could be a winner but people’s conservative and flawed reasoning is the reason many suffer.

 

[streaM Freak]

My head hurts from all this thinking at the moment. I will be rereading this thread without a doubt. I don't have the energy to reply to everything but you all are such valuable people for being able to introspect about things like this and also contribute to Bluelight in general.

 

[Ki3ly]

And. Yes.

Be honest, what path in life do you believe is most reasonable for those who do not feel connection to others as deeply as the majority.

What do you suppose someone in that situation should do. Line of work, life style, dead or alive, id like to know how we as a community feel about this.

A lot of addicts may be seen this way when a drug is prioritized. And we know they are often alienated, but don't necessarily want to be and often completely do not want to be.

Would the world be better off without those who proudly don't connect? If they do have a place, where on earth would that be.

 

[Ki3ly]

It's really common for people to lose their Energies. And a lot of trauma-driven behaviors do that. They feel like a great idea but

they drain you in the end. So try understanding behaviors that take away Power from and that prevent you from being able to heal.



And thinking that you're never going to be able to heal is a really self-destructive belief and it drains your Energy. It's basically taking all

your Power and giving and putting it in the hands of somebody else. And then this definitely contributes to beliefs that can stop you from healing.

And this can definitely have a tendency to drain your Energy.



So number one most likely is the way people with trauma sometimes lose their power. And also believing in someone that did something Unhealthy will do this as well.

You know this doesn't just come from Disney movies it's just coded in there. It is old school and childhood memory. And stuck along with Hope.

One of the toughest things ever is trying to Navigate when you are growing up and the realization of getting older. Gradually sometimes it takes

a long time.




And then to believe that anything can stop you from healing is to give your power away. Your Energy depends on you.

As in knowing to just have a basic mindset like that anything can be possible. As in ... to know, healing is actually possible.



You are gonna get to work on it. You are gonna do the best you possibly can and if things don't work You change course a little bit.

And say you will keep finding what does work that is a positive attitude. That's you know basically all and that any of us has.





Sometimes people can help you when you need help but mainly evolving your life and becoming who you really are is something

you're gonna do all right with.




You can't continuously always blame everything and everyone else. All of the time. How can something possibly be something and someone

elses fault all of the time. And then why would you allow it to be !!!



There are things that drain your energy. It's like trying to get approval from people who are mean to you or don't care about you. And I know

every one has people like this in their life. You might just be stuck with your hope kind of flying out of you all of the time also.




It's like a cptsd. That probably starts with parents, there's relatives. There's you know people you knew all your life

there's this weird way that when you're not treated like you're a real person like a real child who has real needs when you're a kid like

the whole world conspires to treat you like that sometimes. Not the whole world ....

but you're gonna keep finding a pattern with that. But if you dance around thinking that it's getting the approval that's going

to solve the problem then you're abandoning yourself. Betraying yourself. Losing yourself trying to get somebody to like you or agree is Draining.

So you neither want to avoid conflict or fight everyone there's this Middle Ground.



As a kid if you could remember what it feels like when people are fighting. And there are so many good reasons to avoid

conflict but at a certain point you need to stand up and actually have the conflict and speak up for yourself or it begins to drain your

Energy and becomes self destructive too.


Sometimes good advice is to avoid conflict such as don't go to a family holiday and get into it with people about politics or what happened in the

past. And that can ruin your day and everybody who's there including the innocent parties who were just hoping to have a holiday dinner or even have a productive day.



The opposite of avoiding conflict is fighting everyone, just fighting everyone about everything. If you have been that person before it can be exhausting

and can feel like a crusade. It feels like everything is just happening to you and you think that you just know you have no choice.


But you do have a choice about who you fight with and if you're fighting with everyone you're probably going to drain all your energy before you actually

resolve anything you know. And I understand the spirit of wanting to be fighting with everyone. It's like standing up for yourself. You know standing up for what's true by

not allowing the abuse. And yes you don't want to do those things but if it's just like across the board what ends up happening is you lose so much energy

you can't take sane action and can't see what's really happening and understand an own self awareness. However then don't defeat your own self and sell yourself short then ever. Always be true to You !! Try it.


A disorder is a mental condition where people have a lifelong pattern of seeing themselves and reacting to others in specific ways all of the time. And they act impulsively.

What are you gonna do if someone doesn't wanna be fck'd with ... either. It's good to be a smart a** .
People try to make you feel small.

Rant Over !

Thanks for the thread.


Don't be afraid to start over again. This time, you're not starting from Scratch. You're starting from experience.

 

[streaM Freak]

It's really common for people to lose their Energies. And a lot of trauma-driven behaviors do that. They feel like a great idea but

they drain you in the end. So try understanding behaviors that take away Power from and that prevent you from being able to heal.



And thinking that you're never going to be able to heal is a really self-destructive belief and it drains your Energy. It's basically taking all

your Power and giving and putting it in the hands of somebody else. And then this definitely contributes to beliefs that can stop you from healing.

And this can definitely have a tendency to drain your Energy.



So number one most likely is the way people with trauma sometimes lose their power. And also believing in someone that did something Unhealthy will do this as well.

You know this doesn't just come from Disney movies it's just coded in there. It is old school and childhood memory. And stuck along with Hope.

One of the toughest things ever is trying to Navigate when you are growing up and the realization of getting older. Gradually sometimes it takes

a long time.




And then to believe that anything can stop you from healing is to give your power away. Your Energy depends on you.

As in knowing to just have a basic mindset like that anything can be possible. As in ... to know, healing is actually possible.



You are gonna get to work on it. You are gonna do the best you possibly can and if things don't work You change course a little bit.

And say you will keep finding what does work that is a positive attitude. That's you know basically all and that any of us has.





Sometimes people can help you when you need help but mainly evolving your life and becoming who you really are is something

you're gonna do all right with.




You can't continuously always blame everything and everyone else. All of the time. How can something possibly be something and someone

elses fault all of the time. And then why would you allow it to be !!!



There are things that drain your energy. It's like trying to get approval from people who are mean to you or don't care about you. And I know

every one has people like this in their life. You might just be stuck with your hope kind of flying out of you all of the time also.




It's like a cptsd. That probably starts with parents, there's relatives. There's you know people you knew all your life

there's this weird way that when you're not treated like you're a real person like a real child who has real needs when you're a kid like

the whole world conspires to treat you like that sometimes. Not the whole world ....

but you're gonna keep finding a pattern with that. But if you dance around thinking that it's getting the approval that's going

to solve the problem then you're abandoning yourself. Betraying yourself. Losing yourself trying to get somebody to like you or agree is Draining.

So you neither want to avoid conflict or fight everyone there's this Middle Ground.



As a kid if you could remember what it feels like when people are fighting. And there are so many good reasons to avoid

conflict but at a certain point you need to stand up and actually have the conflict and speak up for yourself or it begins to drain your

Energy and becomes self destructive too.


Sometimes good advice is to avoid conflict such as don't go to a family holiday and get into it with people about politics or what happened in the

past. And that can ruin your day and everybody who's there including the innocent parties who were just hoping to have a holiday dinner or even have a productive day.



The opposite of avoiding conflict is fighting everyone, just fighting everyone about everything. If you have been that person before it can be exhausting

and can feel like a crusade. It feels like everything is just happening to you and you think that you just know you have no choice.


But you do have a choice about who you fight with and if you're fighting with everyone you're probably going to drain all your energy before you actually

resolve anything you know. And I understand the spirit of wanting to be fighting with everyone. It's like standing up for yourself. You know standing up for what's true by

not allowing the abuse. And yes you don't want to do those things but if it's just like across the board what ends up happening is you lose so much energy

you can't take sane action and can't see what's really happening and understand an own self awareness. However then don't defeat your own self and sell yourself short then ever. Always be true to You !! Try it.


A disorder is a mental condition where people have a lifelong pattern of seeing themselves and reacting to others in specific ways all of the time. And they act impulsively.

What are you gonna do if someone doesn't wanna be fck'd with ... either. It's good to be a smart a** .
People try to make you feel small.

Rant Over !

Thanks for the thread.


Don't be afraid to start over again. This time, you're not starting from Scratch. You're starting from experience.

That's a lot to digest. High level, abstract stuff. Will need to reread again.

Something id like to add which I have learned recently, there is power and lack of draining of ones energy when we take the time to figure out what tasks / activities to do and at what times.

Structure is good, but I think there should be some freedom to swap blocks of time in case something else important comes up, or if we listen to our body and simple do not feel like it.

I don't think not feeling like doing something is a cop out. It can be very useful.

Because we want to do things to the best of our ability. So it's smart to take a step back, and see the big picture, and try to figure out which of the things we want to do would be best done right now given my energy and state of mind.

Forcing a situation is not usually good.

 

[KurtAurelius]

That's a lot to digest. High level, abstract stuff. Will need to reread again.

Something id like to add which I have learned recently, there is power and lack of draining of ones energy when we take the time to figure out what tasks / activities to do and at what times.

Structure is good, but I think there should be some freedom to swap blocks of time in case something else important comes up, or if we listen to our body and simple do not feel like it.

I don't think not feeling like doing something is a cop out. It can be very useful.

Because we want to do things to the best of our ability. So it's smart to take a step back, and see the big picture, and try to figure out which of the things we want to do would be best done right now given my energy and state of mind.

Forcing a situation is not usually good.

I cba to watch videos these days but I obtained a whole few days of cognitive treatise from seeing the title “stop trying”

There is a way like you say to make use of that feeling rather than going through the awful cycle of ( don’t want to do it, force oneself, burn out)

 

[streaM Freak]

I cba to watch videos these days but I obtained a whole few days of cognitive treatise from seeing the title “stop trying”

There is a way like you say to make use of that feeling rather than going through the awful cycle of ( don’t want to do it, force oneself, burn out)

Yeah def can become a cycle.

Also good to practice looking at the flip positive side too. I often ask myself, okay, with this level of commitment, type of mindset, time I have, situation I am in - what thing that I have to do will I be able to do the best under these conditions.

Just to get a little personal for a quick second because I can see you can be an absolute gem of an asset to this world based off your apparent intelligence, conscientiousness, fire - you will figure things out if you keep trying.

It's helpful to try and create those optimal conditions for ourselves too instead of waiting for them.

 

[Ki3ly]

And sometimes if you are mad at other people, you are just mad at yourself.



Sorry I lost my train of thought a bit in my wall of text.

Edit: Fighting is a drain. Speaking up for yourself is empowering. A bunch of
random criticism is a drain. Being able to hear criticism on your front porch can be empowering.

And can be enlightening when you get to have a choice about what stays out and what to let in.

We can learn how to know that everything can become possible.


Take A Chill Pill. Lol. Metaphorically.

 

[Ki3ly]

A Daily Practice. Meditation. Recompose.



Staying positive doesn't mean being happy all of the time.

It just means that even on the rough days, you trust that

better ones are on the way.

 

[Ki3ly]

Hapi Nu Yeer

 

[M!$TER-ED]

The path that is taken is the path that is chosen. The reasoning behind the chosen path is unique to the individual. I wish when I began my path I could have seen where it was going. If I had known that, I would have chosen more wisely.

 

[Foreigner]

Be honest, what path in life do you believe is most reasonable for those who do not feel connection to others as deeply as the majority.

What do you suppose someone in that situation should do. Line of work, life style, dead or alive, id like to know how we as a community feel about this.

A lot of addicts may be seen this way when a drug is prioritized. And we know they are often alienated, but don't necessarily want to be and often completely do not want to be.

Would the world be better off without those who proudly don't connect? If they do have a place, where on earth would that be.

As someone who is on the extreme end of introverted, but also participates in meaningful daily work (clinical, helping people with their health), I think it's important to reframe the question. Not everyone feels their sense of connection via people, for some it's through other vehicles. For example, I love writing, I can write endlessly. I love sharing my writing with other people, but I would not necessarily want to do a book tour and talk to the general public. I feel connected through writing. What else... I feel a strong sense of connection through nature. So in my job, I have spent many hours writing passionately about health topics, but in useful formats that are in PDF and I can just send to people. Like little health brochures for various conditions, containing alternative health info. I love teaching, so explaining things to people is easy for me, and I like to guide people as accurately as possible.

So the answer to your question, I think, is identifying where you do feel connection, and making that a bigger life priority. For myself, the biggest obstacle to figuring that out was comparing myself to the rest of society. I overlooked areas of connection I was already engaged with because I judged them as being insignificant or not important enough to matter. Meanwhile I was already putting so much of my free time into those areas!

There are modern hermits all over the world who still do what they need to do in order to interact with society and survive, but they mostly prefer their own company. Nothing wrong with it. Some of the most profound people in history were self-isolates. They didn't hate people, they just preferred the absence of people. Speaking personally, I am easily overstimulated by people. I enjoy their company very much, but in small doses. During that small dose, the connection is deep and lovely. Then I need to go be alone.

As for jobs... you can work within larger organizations that allow you to do a one-man job that does not require much interaction with others. Any job that lets you work autonomously will allow that. Also remote work. Being an independent contractor helps. My dream job would've been becoming a park ranger or a conservationist, but my physical health would not allow me to do it, so I had to take a different route. For example, one of the jobs I do is technical writing. I recently wrote an instruction manual according to a company's specifications, for a tech product they were selling. We have a meeting on webcam, they tell me what they want, the send me the specs of their product, they describe to me verbally how it's supposed to work, and I write the manual. Any questions I have, I shoot to them via text messenger. 98% of my time in this work is alone... no face time with other people. After the first draft is done, their people read it, we have another face-time meeting for feedback, and I make revisions. Rinse, lather, repeat until it's done. My schedule is flexible, which is great for my disabled life, and I get to write all the time which I love.

 

[Ki3ly]

The most powerful thing that I can do right now is set my goals to finish them. I think that I should list my ideas and the details of how

I am going to get to my goal and try to figure out how to get all of this done. Alright.


Or vividly imagine what it will be like when I get there. And then write out or think about what the end result will be. And what the worse case scenario can be.


If nothing changes, and if I just keep doing exactly what I have been doing all along I can imagine what it will be like if I don't change a thing.

Harsh, yes. Necessary, absolutely.



And as luck will have it, or as it goes ... I barely had the strength to write it down though. So I just did here instead. The brain needs contrast. The dream versus the nightmare.

And this is where the mind starts to crave the whole idea, because staying the same can become unbearable.



I'm a happy life. But I have to put everything back in place. It's a pile right now. I think furniture is where it is supposed to be so far.

I put clothes and shoes away except for one croc that doesn't have a match becuse it floated away down the river.



Now I have to fix some cabnets. Put shelves back together. Pots and pans. Books. And clean up everything that got to be a huge mess from

settling in too long. Lol. It got bad.



And all I really want is to make my bed and futon and be able to settle in once more and be comfy once again. And stay warm and get rest.


This could have been done in three hours to three days or stretched to six weeks. However, it has been three months so far.

My brain is really slow. Please don't call me Lazy.


And so then everything else hurts worse than my brain or maybe just as bad. But I did get a lot done.


I want to get it all done as soon as possible because I feel like I am not going to make it that much longer. I feel so bad. Like awful. Actual painfulness.

I feel so bad at times I really do feel like I am dying.



And then I really do think I might not be alive in seven or eight more months. Maybe I can make it for nine. Lol. It's terrible to feel that bad but it's so True.



Then if I can get settled in maybe I can start working on taking better care of my health and being as healthy as I can. It sounds easy enough but to do it is another.


I don't understand why I have such a difficult problem getting up and trying to do things. I mean I can still ski and go tubing and be recreational and out floating on the water

and I can hike on the trails. And that's about it. But I have to travel with my canvas chair so that I can rest my damn broken back it feels like.

And my inner tubes so I can refresh. And have fun letting the dogs out to run too.



I have some physical strength left but no endurance it seems. I get this incapacitating cramp in my intestine on the right side of my stomach. So far

no tumer markers have shown up in my blood tests at all. And then I can't understand the debilatating tiredness all of the time.



I have to lounge for ten minutes all day long sometimes while I am trying to keep on going. Not everyday. But it's just horrible. So .... I'm thinking maybe

it is cardiovascular and I don't know if I am going to have to get bypassed or end up with a pacemaker. That's why it is so important for me ... to finish cleaning

everything so I won't have to be embarrassed by leaving behind a big mess and cluster for someone else to have to get stuck with. I don't think that


I would be able to go through open heart surgery or chemo even. And also I can't get my sh*t done and am too tired to do too much all at once ..... which is barely nothing.



It's tough losing others because of the fact that we don't live forever. So I want to get everything done so that I can just lay in bed.


But ... no. I have to go out in the woods. I have to camp, hike trails and be outdoors. It hurts losing others, yes, and I don't want to


outlive my immediate family anyway. But if I did lose any of them maybe it wouldn't hurt too bad because I already feel like terrible sh*t anyway and is all that I can bear.



So I just want to focus on what energy that I have left to try to accomplish what I need to do. And what is necessary for what I want to be able to do.


And be able to establish what I want to be able to do including completing all of those goals. And then still be able to camp, stay warm and then for goodness sakes

go back to bed.


I am hoping to have everything finally done that I need, and to know how to focus on what I need to do always. This way.


And hopefully most of it will be done by Summer. This Summer. Someone told me it is going to take me ten years. Well if it's not done by next


Summer I am just going to get a burn cage. I think it will get done somehow though. If I work for two hours

it looks almost finished. I get closer every time. I'm afraid to even Pray right now.


But we are all going to be alright together.


And it will all be fine once it's .... to The Bunker. Lol. Heck Yah. This is P&S so I will still try to keep this Topic.


~~~~~


So sometimes I just have to realize that this is all just a cosmic joke to make it more fun and enjoyable at least. And try to really not take life too serioulsly


at all now. To keep it more chilled and laid back. And we should all try to live our lives our own way and to enjoy it all as much as possible however we can.


I'm just trying to stay happy by trying to do this the best that I can. Because this life time isn't going to last forever. I will be fine because I am almost there I think.


I hope that we all can take care and live the Best That We possibly Can. And make efforts for ourselves and others to make it all work somehow together.



Oops I did it again. Rant really over again. Really this time.

Stay Spiritual. It really does help too. Like how we are doing in here, Philosophising All.



Bubye's



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