Meth Almost died, need reality check

[Brokenbeyondrepair722]

Hello Homkind,

I have had my second brush with death, a direct consequence of my methamphetamine addiction. For some context I am 27 years old, and I have been IV'ing the drug since I was 22. It has been on and off, due to moving a lot. I have lived in three states, and nine different "homes." I was estranged from my father until 2023, he found me and brought me to Georgia. We reunited in Independence Missouri, and he said that my appearance was so alarming. He knew that if he left me in Missouri, I would have died within a couple months.

I had some very bad outcomes due to this repetitive, harmful habit. I contracted HIV, I abscessed my arm terribly, to the point I could not lift my arm to brush my hair. It was like a bum arm, hanging by my side. I attempted to shoot in my bicep. Due to this drug, and the places and people it will pull you to I have been raped, a direct result of my meth use. Years of homelessness and living in shelters, my teeth are very thin, and very sharp. My immunity is decreasing rapidly; I am no longer undetectable. The HIV has woken up and to have any real chance at suppressing it again I have to stop my use.

Onto the most recent tragedy, I purchased some ice on Thursday. My dealer is usually very kind to me; she comes on time and always brings very decent meth. She is not a nice person, however because I am obviously sick and helplessly addicted, she and many others pity me, and I can usually escape getting beat up. This last Thursday she sold me meth that was heavily laced with PCP. I did not test any, I got to my space and shot it up. I shot .60 I will usually not do that much because the rush hurts too much. I did that amount because I was hurting and crashing, when I popped the tourniquet there was no cough, temporary blindness, I threw up and pissed myself without trying. It's like it took my ability to tense and stop the stream. I was petrified, this drug had been used on me during the night I was raped. I instantly remembered the feelings. I fainted and did not wake for the rest of the night and most of the next day. It was from 10:30pm on Thursday to 8:00pm on Saturday. The vein where I shot this went very thin, turned black and disappeared. I texted my dealer hysterical and upset, and she got mad and told me she will kill me.

I am certain that I will die relatively soon if I do not transform. When I say, "reality check." in the title I am humbly asking anyone with help in their heart to give me tough love, softer love, advice, or just anything you could say that you believe could help me.

I have five years of constant IV'ing the only break I took was 6 days as I was in the SICU after being shot twice by a cop. I was trying to suicide by cop, and I called 911 on myself and attempted to rush him and stab him. It was my fault entirely I was shot. Like I said, I am HIV positive, and I am deathly thin, and take many medications that are contraindicative with meth.

Bless you all, I am open to hearing anything, do not worry I will not get offended. If I thought I was going to be hurt I would not have posted this.
Please help.

 

[SeekingOblivion]

Bless you, this was very sad and hard to read. It sounds like you have had a hard life. Is your father able to help you? Would you consider an inpatient treatment center? There are all kinds of funded residential programs that can help if you give them a chance. HIV, as you know, is no longer a death sentence. You are young enough that your body can rebound from a lot of you’ll let people help you.

 

[abefourth]

If you get a chance, read this: https://everything2.com/node/1143281
I can't make you any promises or tell you it will all be okay. But I can tell you

In my entire life I've never told anyone this until now. You're the first. But back when I was about 20 I attempted to kill myself. There's a poison plant with a poison called "abrin" in it. A cousin to ricin. But immensely more poisonous. As little as 1 seed can be devastating to the body. I had ordered online a packet of about 250 seeds. I cracked up about 100 of them (poison won't work with the shells intact) and ate them in 2 downings. I have no idea how the hell I had the reaction I had to it but I did. I ended up vomiting one time into the toilet. It was bright red. My organs seemed not to have been affected.

In the past 5 years I've been hospitalized 5 times because of suicidal ideation, and once for a suicide attempt. I cut my arm around the wrist, and cut my throat numerous times. I had to have surgery on my hand to repair a tendon that had been severed. And I later found out I had to have surgery on my neck because I severed my jugular vein and nicked my carotid artery.

I can't guarantee your life will get better. But I do know that if you don't try to make things better, you will get worse. You were raped, contracted HIV, and got shot numerous times. But you're not a victim. You're a survivor. Hold your head high accordingly.

 

[Brokenbeyondrepair722]

Bless you, this was very sad and hard to read. It sounds like you have had a hard life. Is your father able to help you? Would you consider an inpatient treatment center? There are all kinds of funded residential programs that can help if you give them a chance. HIV, as you know, is no longer a death sentence. You are young enough that your body can rebound from a lot of you’ll let people help you.

I wish, my mother was a RN, and she was the kind one who could have helped. However, in 2014 she OD'ed over night and I found her that morning. November 2nd.. My father is not understanding, nor sympathetic. If I told him or he found out; I would lose my home, college money, support, and the team of lawyers he is paying to help me get my license back. I cannot tell him without losing his crucial help. I love my father, he has stepped up to fight for me. He is not a bum, he is one of the greatest men I have ever known.

 

[Brokenbeyondrepair722]

If you get a chance, read this: https://everything2.com/node/1143281
I can't make you any promises or tell you it will all be okay. But I can tell you

In my entire life I've never told anyone this until now. You're the first. But back when I was about 20 I attempted to kill myself. There's a poison plant with a poison called "abrin" in it. A cousin to ricin. But immensely more poisonous. As little as 1 seed can be devastating to the body. I had ordered online a packet of about 250 seeds. I cracked up about 100 of them (poison won't work with the shells intact) and ate them in 2 downings. I have no idea how the hell I had the reaction I had to it but I did. I ended up vomiting one time into the toilet. It was bright red. My organs seemed not to have been affected.

In the past 5 years I've been hospitalized 5 times because of suicidal ideation, and once for a suicide attempt. I cut my arm around the wrist, and cut my throat numerous times. I had to have surgery on my hand to repair a tendon that had been severed. And I later found out I had to have surgery on my neck because I severed my jugular vein and nicked my carotid artery.

I can't guarantee your life will get better. But I do know that if you don't try to make things better, you will get worse. You were raped, contracted HIV, and got shot numerous times. But you're not a victim. You're a survivor. Hold your head high accordingly.

Wow... I am moved tremendously by that personal confession. I do not know you, nor will I ever most likely. I will assure you; for whatever it's worth your secret is safe with me. I was shot on 112th and Quivira down a bit from the intersection. I was shot first through the left side of my pelvis, and honestly it felt like nothing. I could certainly feel the impact; it made my body ripple in a way that was so unique. I did not feel much pain until the shock wore off. After that I stumbled a bit, but I didn't fall, I was falling towards him with the knife in my hand still. I got hit again above my left nipple. I felt like a tiny hand just punched me, but being shot in the chest was different feeling. I knew after falling down and being pinned by the cop I attacked and other ones that were to the side and behind me. That I had really been hurt, and I started weeping as hard as I ever had. I was weeping because I had realized at that moment, I had failed at getting myself killed.

That being said, I understand your pain and decision. The moments preceding the act; whatever it may be are so surreal. I lucked out that attempt because after I was being treated in the trauma wing of the hospital, the police sergeant walked into the room. I was sure he was going to cuff me to the bed, but he said, "Hey bud we are not charging you with anything tonight, we all agreed that we just need you to get some help." I was stunned, and I said, "thank you, but why?" He said while chuckling lightly "you melted pretty quick after that second shot." I wanted to tell him that I did not go to the ground willingly, that cracking my pelvis rendered me unable to even take one step. I instead barely hissed out a hoarse " tell the officer I said I was sorry."

It was humiliating to see nurses my age, so put together, professional, and amazing at their jobs. I felt like such an imbecilic failure. It took me so long to get over the real bad effects of meth. I started talking to myself, losing my hair, breaking out overnight with cystic acne, but the effect that bothered me the most was the worsening motor tics, and the inability to stop making noises and talking to myself. I realized that getting clean is just not going to happen for a while. I pulled myself together best I could earn my associates degree, started working my first actual job, and I went to NA meetings. Although I could not stomach them at all. I met someone who I think will become my bf, and I did not ever think that I would meet someone as loving and beautiful as they are. My first real relationship, and you may wonder why I am sharing all this with you.

Because if you hadn't thrown up those poisonous seeds, and if I got shot in the head or the heart, we would have cheated ourselves of all the good days we have had since. I think that addiction is the same. Maybe a "walking suicide." because I often wonder how much I have lost out on because this drug and my inability to separate myself from it. I am sure just as successful suicide I have lost a couple versions of my life that would be preferable to this.

I still want to die, that or get clean. I am struggling immensely to do it though. It sucks because even as all my friends got sober around me and tried to remain my friend and loyal to their of "saving me." I could only be loyal and a friend to Crystal Meth.

Thank you, friend, for offering some words, and also, I am grateful to have you listening to me so much.

 

[Keif' Richards]

You need to find some people that you can count on in your life. For anyone who is totally lost and devoid of real friends or anyone they can count on, I truly feel that going to meetings are a great place to start. There are all kinds of people who are willing to be your friend. As much as Methamphetamine will teach you all that you need is Methamphetamine, you will have to break free from that orbit and admit you need friends, real friends who care about you. When your only lifeline to the world is a dealer who threatens to kill you offhandedly, then you´re alone. You´re likely not ever gonna get better if you try to do this on your own.

It´s common to sit with yourself in moments like this and start strategizing, scheming and bargaining with the universe for some way out of this. The truth is, as a Methamphetamine addict, you´re not likely capable of making any decisions for your life that will lead to long-term success... not right now at least. You should go and just listen to what people have to say. Go to an NA meeting where people who use Methamphetamine will understand exactly what you´re going through. Those people were once just as scared and alone as you are now, don´t doubt that.

I´m not saying meetings are the only way out of addiction. I think they are the best place to start because they are so widely available, especially since the advent of online meetings, however, you really should go in-person because you want to start cultivating people in your life who can help you. They will help you if you keep trying. That doesn´t even mean you can´t ever fuck up, it just means you have to keep trying.

I was alone like you when I started all of this getting sober business. I didn´t have any real friends left. I had lied to my family so much, they could never actually believe anything I said for years, so I had to find the only friends willing to have me. I am not preaching this as the only way, but I credit a large part of my success to the friends in the program who have always had my back. Granted, they´re not paying my rent, but they´ve also kept me sober throughout some times that previously would have crushed me. Right now I´m in the hardest fight of my life in sobriety and what I was taught and the love and kindness I found has kept me from complete ruin.

I highly suggest going to a meeting as soon as you´re able. Introduce yourself. Talk to people. That is the best place to start. After you´re clean for a little while, if you decide you want to try something different you can, but right now, it´s just a fact that you likely can´t trust your own mind.

The nature of addiction is getting high then paying the price, knowing you won´t, can´t do it again. Methamphetamine has a well laid-out trajectory that consists of getting high, depression, self-loathing, recovery, feeling better and then using again once the most miserable feelings are in the rear-view mirror. You need help. I´m not a Meth user but I know plenty about addiction. Lots of us do here. You can ask any one of us for help and we gladly will.

Good luck. We´ve all got love and support for you.

 

[SeekingOblivion]

I wish, my mother was a RN, and she was the kind one who could have helped. However, in 2014 she OD'ed over night and I found her that morning. November 2nd.. My father is not understanding, nor sympathetic. If I told him or he found out; I would lose my home, college money, support, and the team of lawyers he is paying to help me get my license back. I cannot tell him without losing his crucial help. I love my father, he has stepped up to fight for me. He is not a bum, he is one of the greatest men I have ever known.

A team of lawyers helping you get your license back won’t help you if you are dead. You need to look at places and people that will meet you where you’re at, accept you and genuinely try to help you with your addiction. What Kief’ Richards said about finding meetings is right. You don’t have to buy everything about AA or NA, but you need to be around people who get it and want to help.

 

[Huba]

DOPE It stands for Death Or Prison Eventually. Meth is hardcore dope.

 

[streaM Freak]

Hello Homkind,

I have had my second brush with death, a direct consequence of my methamphetamine addiction. For some context I am 27 years old, and I have been IV'ing the drug since I was 22. It has been on and off, due to moving a lot. I have lived in three states, and nine different "homes." I was estranged from my father until 2023, he found me and brought me to Georgia. We reunited in Independence Missouri, and he said that my appearance was so alarming. He knew that if he left me in Missouri, I would have died within a couple months.

I had some very bad outcomes due to this repetitive, harmful habit. I contracted HIV, I abscessed my arm terribly, to the point I could not lift my arm to brush my hair. It was like a bum arm, hanging by my side. I attempted to shoot in my bicep. Due to this drug, and the places and people it will pull you to I have been raped, a direct result of my meth use. Years of homelessness and living in shelters, my teeth are very thin, and very sharp. My immunity is decreasing rapidly; I am no longer undetectable. The HIV has woken up and to have any real chance at suppressing it again I have to stop my use.

Onto the most recent tragedy, I purchased some ice on Thursday. My dealer is usually very kind to me; she comes on time and always brings very decent meth. She is not a nice person, however because I am obviously sick and helplessly addicted, she and many others pity me, and I can usually escape getting beat up. This last Thursday she sold me meth that was heavily laced with PCP. I did not test any, I got to my space and shot it up. I shot .60 I will usually not do that much because the rush hurts too much. I did that amount because I was hurting and crashing, when I popped the tourniquet there was no cough, temporary blindness, I threw up and pissed myself without trying. It's like it took my ability to tense and stop the stream. I was petrified, this drug had been used on me during the night I was raped. I instantly remembered the feelings. I fainted and did not wake for the rest of the night and most of the next day. It was from 10:30pm on Thursday to 8:00pm on Saturday. The vein where I shot this went very thin, turned black and disappeared. I texted my dealer hysterical and upset, and she got mad and told me she will kill me.

I am certain that I will die relatively soon if I do not transform. When I say, "reality check." in the title I am humbly asking anyone with help in their heart to give me tough love, softer love, advice, or just anything you could say that you believe could help me.

I have five years of constant IV'ing the only break I took was 6 days as I was in the SICU after being shot twice by a cop. I was trying to suicide by cop, and I called 911 on myself and attempted to rush him and stab him. It was my fault entirely I was shot. Like I said, I am HIV positive, and I am deathly thin, and take many medications that are contraindicative with meth.

Bless you all, I am open to hearing anything, do not worry I will not get offended. If I thought I was going to be hurt I would not have posted this.
Please help.

This is raw and therefore must go directly to the source - your brain.

If I were you, I would take a day to be sober and gather your thoughts. Id probably brainstorm all the negative experiences (which you did some of that here), and then try to envision what a life sober may look like - maybe a life you've been curious about, or a past experience from childhood that you want to relive.

From there, you seem resourceful enough to figure it out.
But at the moment, you need to assess:
Am I actually ready to stop?

-If yes, prove it to yourself by taking one step in the right direction. Whether that is resisting just once, or continuing to reflect with honest assessment.
-If no, you will end up dead, maybe quicker than you think.

Once you are sure that you're ready, and have a vision of what you want, I'd say it's smart to take the practical steps mentioned by other members like rebuilding social supports and things like that.

And welcome to Bluelight!

 

[BadBoy377]

Hi OP,

Yeah that's a heavy burden you're carrying. It seems like you're hurting yourself like this because you're sad? Are you using the meth just to keep going because you're hurting so bad? There's so much there to deal with.

You need to stop though. It does indeed sound like you're slowly killing yourself. I used to be a heavy meth user too. Never IV'd. You're right though, it's a serious substance and you end up associating with some pretty fucked up people if you keep moving in the those circles. Yeah, you're gonna kill yourself if you don't stop.

What do you think the barriers to stopping are?

At some point you're gonna have to process that hurt you're trying to keep at bay. Life will start to get better once you do.

You need to get off that shit. It will take your soul as well as your body. Just stop. You clearly want to and know that you need to. Meth eventually drags people down until they become darker versions of themselves, more bad than good. Behaviour degenerates and principles are disgarded.

You have so much to deal with there and I genuinely sympathise. If there's anything I can do to help you just ask. PM me if you like.

But for what it's worth stop taking that shit and associating with bad people or it's gonna be the end of you. Things will eventually get better if you do.

I hope you can find the strength to make those changes.

BB

 

[Brokenbeyondrepair722]

You need to find some people that you can count on in your life. For anyone who is totally lost and devoid of real friends or anyone they can count on, I truly feel that going to meetings are a great place to start. There are all kinds of people who are willing to be your friend. As much as Methamphetamine will teach you all that you need is Methamphetamine, you will have to break free from that orbit and admit you need friends, real friends who care about you. When your only lifeline to the world is a dealer who threatens to kill you offhandedly, then you´re alone. You´re likely not ever gonna get better if you try to do this on your own.

It´s common to sit with yourself in moments like this and start strategizing, scheming and bargaining with the universe for some way out of this. The truth is, as a Methamphetamine addict, you´re not likely capable of making any decisions for your life that will lead to long-term success... not right now at least. You should go and just listen to what people have to say. Go to an NA meeting where people who use Methamphetamine will understand exactly what you´re going through. Those people were once just as scared and alone as you are now, don´t doubt that.

I´m not saying meetings are the only way out of addiction. I think they are the best place to start because they are so widely available, especially since the advent of online meetings, however, you really should go in-person because you want to start cultivating people in your life who can help you. They will help you if you keep trying. That doesn´t even mean you can´t ever fuck up, it just means you have to keep trying.

I was alone like you when I started all of this getting sober business. I didn´t have any real friends left. I had lied to my family so much, they could never actually believe anything I said for years, so I had to find the only friends willing to have me. I am not preaching this as the only way, but I credit a large part of my success to the friends in the program who have always had my back. Granted, they´re not paying my rent, but they´ve also kept me sober throughout some times that previously would have crushed me. Right now I´m in the hardest fight of my life in sobriety and what I was taught and the love and kindness I found has kept me from complete ruin.

I highly suggest going to a meeting as soon as you´re able. Introduce yourself. Talk to people. That is the best place to start. After you´re clean for a little while, if you decide you want to try something different you can, but right now, it´s just a fact that you likely can´t trust your own mind.

The nature of addiction is getting high then paying the price, knowing you won´t, can´t do it again. Methamphetamine has a well laid-out trajectory that consists of getting high, depression, self-loathing, recovery, feeling better and then using again once the most miserable feelings are in the rear-view mirror. You need help. I´m not a Meth user but I know plenty about addiction. Lots of us do here. You can ask any one of us for help and we gladly will.

Good luck. We´ve all got love and support for you.

Thank you, I have been hunting for a CMA meeting in the Atlanta area. I had actual good friends in Independence Missouri. However, by the end of my nine months surviving that city our group was imprisoned, dead, or leaving.

Hi OP,

Yeah that's a heavy burden you're carrying. It seems like you're hurting yourself like this because you're sad? Are you using the meth just to keep going because you're hurting so bad? There's so much there to deal with.

You need to stop though. It does indeed sound like you're slowly killing yourself. I used to be a heavy meth user too. Never IV'd. You're right though, it's a serious substance and you end up associating with some pretty fucked up people if you keep moving in the those circles. Yeah, you're gonna kill yourself if you don't stop.

What do you think the barriers to stopping are?

At some point you're gonna have to process that hurt you're trying to keep at bay. Life will start to get better once you do.

You need to get off that shit. It will take your soul as well as your body. Just stop. You clearly want to and know that you need to. Meth eventually drags people down until they become darker versions of themselves, more bad than good. Behaviour degenerates and principles are disgarded.

You have so much to deal with there and I genuinely sympathise. If there's anything I can do to help you just ask. PM me if you like.

But for what it's worth stop taking that shit and associating with bad people or it's gonna be the end of you. Things will eventually get better if you do.

I hope you can find the strength to make those changes.

BB

Is it good practice to be a drug addict while trying to make friends with those people?

 

[Keif' Richards]

I appreciate what others have said. Its very easy for us to sit and say "meth is bad, dont do it". That's all true. However, people locked in these cycles need practical guidance.

I was a hapless, hopeless individual with tendencies more animal than human. I didnt need anyone to tell me anything about Heroin, I know, I have the internet. I have lived it.

I didnt have a fucking Blue's Clue how to not use Opioids. In fact, the thought utterly terrified me. It didnt seem possible.

I got on maintenance (I had been using 3+ grams of pure Heroin/Morphine per day) and I followed the instructions.

"No matter what, go to a meeting every single day. Talk to people. Dont sneak in and sneak out"

That was the most complex set of instructions that my junkie-mind could comprehend. You see, anything harder? Id immediately think I needed Heroin to help me think, give me confidence; sharpen me up.

When you go to the clinic, someone picks you up and drops you back off every day, it is easier. You have to turn off your brain and follow the instructions of those who have achieved what you want. You dont know how to do it, so stop trying it on your own.

If you think you need to get high, you call someone, period. Like I was always told, you can get high afterwards if you want. You probably won't.

In a world of shear madness, you need to know exactly what you need to do next. Its not a prison if youre making it for yourself. Keep that in mind.

12-steps are not perfect. They are pretty damn good though. Where else can anyone, almost anywhere in the world walk in to a room, say they're struggling with addiction and be treated with unadulterated love and understanding?

You're blind right now. You need to get help. You know what? If I relapsed today and told my sponsor I was high on meth and aboit to be murdered by a dealer, he would be there to rescue my ass, no questions, no judgements.

When you have nothing to lose, there is no excuse to not be engaging with a program of some kind.

Your self-esteem will grow every day. You will learn to feel pride in yourself again. When someone offers you some meth, you'll remember the rape, the meth overdose, the death threat and the intense self-loathing and emptiness that follows a meth binge. You'll look in the mirror and see a woman who is just too good for that shit.

You ARE too good for that shit. Because youre here asking for help. We all have your back okay? Ask any of us, we will help you. It doesnt have to be a meth user, addiction is addiction. There are different colors but they are all still the same kind of horse.

 

[Chaurus]

You'll look in the mirror and see a woman who is just too good for that shit.

Wait! My DuckDuckGo and bluelight searches say Arjun is an Indian boys name.

Boys get raped too, you know.

 

[GooberDoober]

Just to echo what some other people said, there are a great inpatient programs some of them are kind of janky, but there's a lot of legitimately really good ones you just have to look into it first. It might seem like it's not affordable, but I would recommend keeping an open mind and looking into your state's programs. I know my state has a very robust welfare system, but I think most places will have systems in place for people with very little resources. Especially in the rehabilitation industry.

Good luck, and just so you know about 10 years ago I overdosed on Benadryl in an attempt to kill myself, though I'm still not even completely sure why I did it. I was very very sad, and in a very very bad place mentally, my life is still not perfect but I am moving in a positive direction. It's taking me many years but now I'm only sad maybe two days a week and I'm moving in a direction where I'm actually somewhat hopeful about my life. I say that just to say it's possible to make a beautiful change.

 

[Keif' Richards]

@Chaurus I´m not really sure what you´re getting at. I didn´t imply anything to the contrary here regarding rape, just supporting our friend. Sexual violence is not something to joke about. When people see people joking about the most painful moments of their lives, it can be pretty devastating.

OP is not going to be right mentally for several days, maybe even a week or two. Methamphetamine is a powerful drug man. Even after the experience is ¨over¨ the recovery phase and return to homeostasis can take some time. I´ve used Methamphetamine before maybe a dozen times in my life total. A couple of those were multi-day runs. I remember feeling like I needed a full day of sleep and rest, followed by a day of apathy/depression/guilt hitting me hard and only feeling like ¨me¨ again after waking up on the third day.

If that is inetermittent usage, you can imagine how difficult it can be to get back to normal following chronic, high-dosage use of the drug. This is why I tell OP they need to stop thinking. Honestly, thinking about things is your enemy right now. You need to just put one foot in front of the other while others hold you up. Give it a little bit of tiime and you will be able to make decisions for yourself that won´t lead you back to using.

 

[BadBoy377]

Is it good practice to be a drug addict while trying to make friends with those people?

I'm not sure I fully understand the question but I'm fairly sure you already know the answer to it anyway.

Do you mean is it good practice to make friends with other addicts when you're an addict too? Yea, absolutely it means you can help maintain each other's addictions whilst building a social life that normalizes something society otherwise wouldn't.

It's not so good practice if you're trying not to be a drug addict because they will provide temptations to you and possibly purposely derail you're efforts to get clean. Methamphetamine can stir up some pretty perverse urges in some people.

It can be good practice to be friends with people who are also trying not to be addicts as you can offer support to each other. It's a double edged sword though as if someone slips up then you may be tempted too, fuck it just one more time eh?

At the end of the day only one thing matters and that is that you get through this shitty situation alive and well.

 

[Brokenbeyondrepair722]

A team of lawyers helping you get your license back won’t help you if you are dead. You need to look at places and people that will meet you where you’re at, accept you and genuinely try to help you with your addiction. What Kief’ Richards said about finding meetings is right. You don’t have to buy everything about AA or NA, but you need to be around people who get it and want to

Wait! My DuckDuckGo and bluelight searches say Arjun is an Indian boys name.

Boys get raped too, you know.

I am Czech, Irish and Indian. I was born with mosaicism, which means my chromosomes are split, into two variants from the usual XY,XX chromosomes that determine sex at birth. Being pretty ambiguous in physical traits due to the myriads of conflicting hormones my body produces. Making friends with anyone was nearly impossible. The only people that would treat me normally, were people living on the lowest rung of the social ladder. The other kind of person that would accept me were people (usually men) that were kind only until they had me in their apartment and they locked the door. I fell for this strategy more times than I would like to admit; Grindr is a hell of an app. They say, "misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows." I see this quote manifest in my life constantly.

With all of this, it felt like addiction for me was only a matter of time. All of this is my long-winded way of explaining that I am intersexed.

 

[Brokenbeyondrepair722]

@Chaurus I´m not really sure what you´re getting at. I didn´t imply anything to the contrary here regarding rape, just supporting our friend. Sexual violence is not something to joke about. When people see people joking about the most painful moments of their lives, it can be pretty devastating.

OP is not going to be right mentally for several days, maybe even a week or two. Methamphetamine is a powerful drug man. Even after the experience is ¨over¨ the recovery phase and return to homeostasis can take some time. I´ve used Methamphetamine before maybe a dozen times in my life total. A couple of those were multi-day runs. I remember feeling like I needed a full day of sleep and rest, followed by a day of apathy/depression/guilt hitting me hard and only feeling like ¨me¨ again after waking up on the third day.

If that is inetermittent usage, you can imagine how difficult it can be to get back to normal following chronic, high-dosage use of the drug. This is why I tell OP they need to stop thinking. Honestly, thinking about things is your enemy right now. You need to just put one foot in front of the other while others hold you up. Give it a little bit of tiime and you will be able to make decisions for yourself that won´t lead you back to using.

I took no offense by @Chaurus comments. I am at the point of emotional fog where I just do not feel any offense regardless of what is said or done to me. I feel either distressed or not distressed. Moments that I used to feel elation and even happiness are now just relief at seeing a break in this lasting storm of addiction.

I am having a pretty bad night actually. My teeth cracked and migrated a lot today. I notice that every so often I see changes in the shape and contours of my face. That is distressing, I am experiencing significant problems with caring for my face. Before I could run a derma planer easily across my face, but now I must pull the skin taught from underneath my jawline to be able to properly care for my skin. I am on the edge of texting the same dealer who wants to kill me so I do not run out of dope. My new partner I think is pulling away from me, and that is making me feel probably the worst out of this all. Body falling apart, death threats, almost out of dope? Those things are easy now, but I went into new territory with this person. I opened my heart and allowed myself to hope for something lasting, sweetly gentle, and devotional. Yet I am now faced with rejection, unsure if it was my behavior or dwindling attractiveness due to the petrifying effects of speed. Perhaps (hopefully) something different altogether.

I am under no delusions, I know the consequences of this, I have weathered some pretty awful ones. I know I am encroaching onto death's ground with the severity and length of daily IV use. I do not use proper procedures or hygiene. I reuse needles I sharpen on a nail file; I will shoot old blood if faced with crashing, I never use alcohol swabs, I will fish for a vein, and I do not care about maintenance as of late. I really want this to end, meaning my life. I do not have anyone to count on, this problem is so severe that it lives so far out of anyone near me and their capability. I do not find any solace in AA/NA I hate the "sit down and shut up." thing they do. I am an addict, a heartbroken person who wants to die. Who needs to medicate just for being alive. When I hear someone say that to me, I will turn around and leave.

I do not need to be babied, but I am so fucking brutal to myself, mean and mocking. That there is nothing left in me to stomach others hitting me with the same kind of stuff. I do not want to die painfully; I do not want to die with a needle in my lap and a sock around my arm. However, I will if it comes to that or living. I keep up with things in my life, I am in college, I have a job, I save money. I do this to make sure that when I die it will not be on the street, rather it will be in my father's home under his roof. My mother was everything to me, and I loved her so much. When she OD'ed I administered CPR and I felt her ribs breaking. The last image I saw of her was through a crack in her bedroom door. She was blueish grey, her arms were sprawled out to either side of her. A large tube looking thing with some kind of apparatus at the top stuck upout of her mouth a foot. She was on her back, and she was dead.

I am 27 years old, and I have nothing. I live with my father, and most likely will for many years to come. I have never been in a committed relationship I think because I just have the aura of someone up to no good, and I am socially maladaptive. I certainly know that I am the problem, and I am not owed a relationship for existing. However, I do want to be able to speak calmly, have more normal life experiences, and feel better in groups of people my age. I know all this will happen for me if I can get clean, but I honestly just do not think I could stop at all right now. I do think I will stop eventually in my life. That is one possibility; while the other being dying most likely in my early thirties, maybe these last three years of my late twenties. At this moment, where my life and mental health are. I am fine with either outcome, I just do not want it to be painful.

 

[Deleted member 578389]

27 is a baby, i'm 32 and live with my parents and have no skills or qualifications. but i have plans! i will live and die by my plans. a plan is a route to freedom

aging softens a lot of neurosis for most people. take 5 years to become the man the woman of your dreams would fall head over heels for.

woman value stability and security, it isn't a flaw

you have a lot of negative self talk, what you say about yourself is really fundamental. try catch yourself when you are harsh towards yourself.

do you believe this? is it possible that it is within you to have healthy relationships with other people.

do you value your intelligence? how many times do you need to repeat the same pattern to realise you are not someone who can self administer meth medicinally.

put in a small consistent effort now before you have a rude awakening, is getting high the same as when you first got to know the drug? is it still worth it?

only you will know when you've run out of gas, it shouldn't feel punitive or forceful to say goodbye to a substance, it wants this for you.

may you be happy, may you be well, may you be safe, may you be at ease.

 

[Chaurus]

@Chaurus I´m not really sure what you´re getting at. I didn´t imply anything to the contrary here regarding rape, just supporting our friend. Sexual violence is not something to joke about. When people see people joking about the most painful moments of their lives, it can be pretty devastating.

@Keif' Richards, you called @Brokenbeyondrepair722 a woman. I couldn't find that information (but then I might be bad at searching). That's why I posted that reply.

@Brokenbeyondrepair722, thank you with setting us straight. I've always been interested in intersex people although I've never met anyone who said they were one.

I hear it must be very confusing, and I've heard at least one story about an intersex becoming an alcoholic trying to deal with it.

Sorry, @Brokenbeyondrepair722, we almost never understand intersex. Unlike gays and lesbians who have written whole libraries about themselves and movie after (mostly terrible) movie knowledge about intersex seems to be mostly medical/psychiatric.

Try not to hurt yourself just because you don't fit in, even with folks like me -a homosexual man- that don't really fit in.

Transgenders have organisations. What do intersex have?

I remember being 27 and what a struggle it can be to live as an out gay man (even though almost nobody ever did anything bad to me because of it and we have a blossoming culture).

I'm 48 and I live with my mother again. But she is a widow and is happy of the company.