Hello all

[Satori446]

Hey from North Carolina. Just wanted to post a hello thread. I just rejoined Bluelight after like a 12 year hiatus. Much has changed since then it looks like but the core of harm reduction still remains. Thats great to see. Bluelight has saved me in the past of making some critical mistakes. Ive learned a lot out here and look forward to learning more.

Just briefly about myself. Im 50 and live in a recovery house in Durham NC. Ive been here a year. I almost have two years of sobriety. My drugs of choice were primarily alcohol first half of my addiction story then a massive surgery turned it into opiates. I went from pills and pain management to heroin then finally the dreaded Fentanyl. So 10 years alcohol and 10 years opiates and everything else I could afford. I became a drug dumpster. I lost most of my support and am slowly rebuilding those relationships. Im currently on Suboxone and plan to stay on it indefinitely. It helps me so much. Im on it for pain too. Its never gonna work like things ive had in the past but it does work. Im on gabapentin and several other phyc meds for depression and anxiety. I went thru a spell earlier this year were I tried otc higs like Benzedrex and such. I have extensive history with DXM and didn't want to go down that rabbit hole again so I finally settled back into normalcy. Sure, its boring sometimes but its def worth it. Being strung out, homeless, hungry, hospital hopping was way harder than what I have now. Im grateful for my roof and my groceries. Both my kids are grown and healthy and we text everyday. Anyway, if youre on the fence about using and miserable, give the "boring" way a shot. I promise its worth it in the end. Anyway, see you out here on some threads.

 

[streaM Freak]

Welcome @Satori446 , glad to have you back.

 

[Satori446]

Thank you. Good to be back.

 

[bvc]

Hey from North Carolina. Just wanted to post a hello thread. I just rejoined Bluelight after like a 12 year hiatus. Much has changed since then it looks like but the core of harm reduction still remains. Thats great to see. Bluelight has saved me in the past of making some critical mistakes. Ive learned a lot out here and look forward to learning more.

Welcome back! Damn glad to hear you're doing better and you've got the thing with your kids going strong.
I've been in mental health recovery after years, but have gotten support sources IRL and here. Having the people here at Bluelight by your side helps immensely. You've got them now again, too!
You're totally right about the whole "boring" thing.

 

[Satori446]

Welcome back! Damn glad to hear you're doing better and you've got the thing with your kids going strong.
I've been in mental health recovery after years, but have gotten support sources IRL and here. Having the people here at Bluelight by your side helps immensely. You've got them now again, too!
You're totally right about the whole "boring" thing.

Hey. Thanks for the support. Glad youre recovering too. My mental health is pretty stable but I know how one mishap can derail.

Yeah, the boring thing sucks. I get restless and I don't have a car so I kinda get stuck inside. I play guitar and stuff to pass the time. I can always Uber if I need too. But I wrecked my life so bad, I still after 2 years clean, don't have a lot to do social wise. Sometimes I grab coffee or lunch with a person from a meeting but thats about it. Its something we gotta battle. If I get v too bored thats w h en I start looking for ways to "change" how I feel via otc or whatever. I think the boring is a phase. People who have ling recovery don't seem to have the problem. I think it'll pass. Keep fighting it and never forget how bad it can be without recovery especially from mental health recovery. If you ever get fidgety and bored just let me know and we can fight it together.

 

[streaM Freak]

Hey. Thanks for the support. Glad youre recovering too. My mental health is pretty stable but I know how one mishap can derail.

Yeah, the boring thing sucks. I get restless and I don't have a car so I kinda get stuck inside. I play guitar and stuff to pass the time. I can always Uber if I need too. But I wrecked my life so bad, I still after 2 years clean, don't have a lot to do social wise. Sometimes I grab coffee or lunch with a person from a meeting but thats about it. Its something we gotta battle. If I get v too bored thats w h en I start looking for ways to "change" how I feel via otc or whatever. I think the boring is a phase. People who have ling recovery don't seem to have the problem. I think it'll pass. Keep fighting it and never forget how bad it can be without recovery especially from mental health recovery. If you ever get fidgety and bored just let me know and we can fight it together.

I can absolutely appreciate your perspective. Boredom, wherever it may come from and however it may manifest, is a lot more difficult to deal with and a lot more potentially deadly than people think.

To go off of your thinking, I believe the ability to deal with it gets easier in time because of just "stacking details".

I heard an NFL player use that phrase at a press conference. Stacking details... Yeah, I get that. It's hard, because the addition of small habits, mindsets, and supports takes so much damn time. And ruining it takes so much less time to achieve what we addicts sometimes rationalize as a feeling just as great, if not better.

The truth is that, sustained stability not only mitigates the lows and the anxieties, but also allows us to be receptive to new information and ways of being.

^ this is hard to quantify and conceptualize - no body knows all that they don't know - but it's a real thing to experience and we must find the patience to let it happen.

 

[Satori446]

Thanks for the post and your insight. Be receptive to new information and ways of being. I love that. I think thats so important bc we spend years, decades, forming bad habits. Shutting off our minds to the new information. Whats left is surviving, not thriving.

I think patience is so important. As an addict I want everything right now. To settle and believe things will manifest if I let them amd stay out of my own way is the trick. Like you said, sustained stability mitigate the lows and anxieties. And being patient opens us up to be ready when things align and we have drastic insight into ourselves and the world around us.

I know that things have gotten easier as time has elapsed on my recovery journey. I do not stress like I used to and I've gained understanding about some things I never could have before. Amd that took patience. On those stressful, anxiety ridden days I have to be able to sit with that andvtake it fir what it is, and let it pass. Bc it always passes. And staying focused and it the present puts me in the right frame of mind to accept when things go well. Opens me up to truth whatever that may be we are all different. Our stories and lives and such but virtues such as patience, we all share and thats kinda cool

 

[streaM Freak]

We all share a lot more and are less different than society makes it seem. We should use that to our advantage. And not manipulative advantage but symbiotic advantage.

We're the ones getting in the way of ourselves. It's not necessarily all our fault, because of how things are set up for us since birth, but we do have the power to change how things are.

 

[jasperkent]

Hey from North Carolina.

Welcome back!

I'm next door to ya in Tennessee.

 

[Satori446]

Welcome back!

I'm next door to ya in Tennessee.

Thanks. Where in Tennessee? Ive been thru the state from Knoxville to Memphis. I remember it being a long drive from one side to the other and many state troopers, lol. I stopped in Nashville and had dinner that was pretty cool. Anyway, thanks for the post

 

[Satori446]

We all share a lot more and are less different than society makes it seem. We should use that to our advantage. And not manipulative advantage but symbiotic advantage.

We're the ones getting in the way of ourselves. It's not necessarily all our fault, because of how things are set up for us since birth, but we do have the power to change how things are.

I agree I do believe we have the power to change how things are. Law of attraction. Positivity brings positivity back and I think its when we are positive that great ideas happen and we brake that mold that we're set in since birth. I believe having good energy brings a whole lot of options to the table that are otherwise blocked if our energy is bad or even neutral. Mine is the latter most of the time but if I feel particularly good on a certain day I try to concentrate that feeling and really feel the vibes of it. Im not a hippy or anything, lol. I just know from experience all the progress I usually make in life happens when im positive and feel good.

I like how you put using our commonalities as a symbiotic advantage. That was cool im gonna remember that one

 

[streaM Freak]

Thanks, and hey just a quick thing here since we got so deep into it already:

Theres a thing in chemistry (I heard this, didn't learn it formally, maybe @ions can talk about it), where some reactions only need 1% initial change in order to eventually change it 100%, and fast.

It's an idealistic vision, but it can't be disproved: imagine if that were true for human chemistry as well. Imagine if a true and absolute 1% positive change created an incredible chain reaction.

Point being, I love your idea about positivity @Satori446 and I find it very difficult though. Being clinically moody, I definitely struggle with it. Sometimes I prefer to be alone or run away instead of bring others down.

 

[Satori446]

I am the exact same way. Im a runner. And I spend a lot of time alone. I don't, as you said, want to bring others down especially if im feeling sketchy. But like you said that 1%. Maybe we just need that one day to change everything. Im a doubter and usually negative but I recognize that and as long as im self aware, it can be worked on. I gotta believe something good will happen. Its all I got. I mean I have things but not much. Im very simple. But my mind is infested with all kinds of thoughts most days. Thats kinda why I came back to Bluelight. So I can chat with people who have same thoughts. I appreciate the deep talk we have had and your insight. Its not often I can say, I get what your saying. So thank you

 

[streaM Freak]

My dad was an avid runner. That was before mental illness was widely accepted so maybe he had what I have and found a healthy way to manage it.

Yes, we have to at least try, right? I agree with you

 

[jasperkent]

Thanks. Where in Tennessee? Ive been thru the state from Knoxville to Memphis. I remember it being a long drive from one side to the other

Yeah, she's a long, skinny state-- and borders eight other states!

I'm in Chattanooga, where I spent my teens.

I've also lived in Nashville, Knoxville, Oak Ridge, Dandridge, Gatlinburg, & Sevierville. I've stayed in 5 Recovery Houses in 3 cities, starting as a client & becoming house manager every time.

For decades I binged on sobriety foe 2--3 years at a time but inevitably relapsed.

 

[Satori446]

Wow, thas a lot of cities. I never thought about it bordering all those other states.

Yeah I have a simular story. Id get a year and relapse,get another year and so on. But this time something is sticking idk I just feel different.

Yeah I was asked recently to be house manager but I declined. Im not good at management I b h ad to do it a lot in my career and its hard. It goes against my personality. Im def a follower not a leader. Plus our boss yells all the time and is kind of a duck so I didn't want to deal with him.

So he had a guy come in to manage who's on the autism spectrum. Its very difficult to communicate with him. He's disorganized and gets yelled at every Sunday at our house meeting.

Then we had a guy who was kicked out last week and he is, right now, outsidevtrying to get his car running and screaming on his phone. He's manic and I would say dangerous. He's not allowed on the property but he's been out there for 4vdays now. Idk where the boss is.

Sorry to kind of vent right there but you've been in houses so you understand im sure. Keep going man you can do it

 

[M!$TER-ED]

Hi Satori446
Glad you are here, sounds like you are living in a stressful environment? What do you enjoy doing to past the time and relieve stress?

 

[Satori446]

Yeah it can get stressful but mostly its pretty quiet I must admit.

Mostly I play guitar. Ive been in a rut tge last few weeks and haven't played much. That's how its always been my whole life. Practice a lot abd make progress then hit a rut. Probably why Im not that good. But I don't worry about like I used to. Its my therapy so it should be soothing, not stressful. Im a Beatles freak and went down the guitar rabbit hole a few months ago and learned some of their songs. Im working on playing abd singing at same time bc I never sang in my life.

Thats about it. I also bought a simple ukeleke and its great fun. Hoping it would break me out of rut. I likevto read as well. I just finished a great book about Synchronicity.

What about you? What are your stress relievers?

 

[M!$TER-ED]

Yeah it can get stressful but mostly its pretty quiet I must admit.

Mostly I play guitar. Ive been in a rut tge last few weeks and haven't played much. That's how its always been my whole life. Practice a lot abd make progress then hit a rut. Probably why Im not that good. But I don't worry about like I used to. Its my therapy so it should be soothing, not stressful. Im a Beatles freak and went down the guitar rabbit hole a few months ago and learned some of their songs. Im working on playing abd singing at same time bc I never sang in my life.

Thats about it. I also bought a simple ukeleke and its great fun. Hoping it would break me out of rut. I likevto read as well. I just finished a great book about Synchronicity.

What about you? What are your stress relievers?

Stress removers, that would be listening to music, my pets, 4 dogs, 3 cats. I like to read if I find something interesting, watch movies, internet and computer related activities and forum participation and spending time with family & friends.
It’s amazing how easily you’re able to pick up and playing musical instruments. I took piano lessons long, long time ago but I could never get the jest of playing or reading music. I used to like to travel but my health and age is a deterrent nowadays. I got my open water, dry suit and nitrox diving certification when I turned 70 but I injured my back and sold all my gear. Nonetheless I accomplished what I set out to do and that’s all that mattered

 

[Satori446]

Thats fantastic. Thats quite an accomplishment. Wow. Its amazing what we could do if our minds are focused on it.

Im only 50 but I've had several major health issues the pastv10 years so my health kind of stops me from doing much activity. I stretch and try to walk a little bit. I had three colon surgeries the last one they removed my whole colon. So now im stuck with chronic pain in my abdomen. Its rare they said that I would have pain like this yet here I am. Sometimes it brings me down thinking of how inactive I am at this age. But its never over and youre proof that great things are possible