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Hopeless How can you tell the difference between depression or lack of growth, vs the uncaring empty feeling when in active use?

R

RepeatedIgnorance2c-74

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 11, 2024
Messages
39
Hello all, so i am at a stand still, i question the lack of anything in myself recently (all my life correction), and want to blame using. Telling myself when i get clean i can then be like everyone else, yet before i even started i was similar.

Empty, no drive, ambition, just a weak pathetic human being, full of self sabotage and self-hate. Defeating myself out of anything, i have lived a long time stuck in the mentality injected into myself via society. Only very recently have i begun to question and develop different thoughts, yet the years of accepting the labels and identities and being a sheep have conditioned me well into being a hollow shell.

Others lost themselves and the amazing lives they had, but because i was always weak and i lost nothing and instead became the statistic i was meant to be (Thank you teachers from PreK-12). That being said, i find myself reflecting on quitting and becoming who i always accepted i can never be. Yet i find myself thinking well even if you get clean you'll still be a fucking lost waste of life. It makes it hard to be positive and think better, i want to die using so fucking badly but it has not happened(not sure how I'm surviving what has killed so many that didn't deserve to die), so i think i should try to live life properly.

It just is difficult as i am starting so much later in life and have destroyed so much, what makes me think i can build a sober life, all i have is a diploma thats it nothing helpful or unique and am basically stupid as heck( i use the internet and rely on it too much). Sorry for rant, i just need help me see out of my mind so i can quit and just stop being so fearful and keeping my head down accepting the waste of space i am. I want to develop and be something worth living with the last years i have and then give back to the world after being a stain for so long
 
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Sorry to hear that you feel that way. I doubt it's true that you are irredeemably lame, and you write too well to qualify as stupid. So I wouldn't give up.
I think that chemically, the emptiness of using isn't much difference than the feeling of depression. Similar chemical pathways. We use to feel better, which we do for awhile, but then that depression comes back because drugs just aren't sustainable happiness. I'm recognizing that problem in myself.
But there are other ways to be happy ( or happy enough) that are more sustainable. I try to keep in mind the healthy things I can do that make me happier without a crash, like connecting to people or hiking in nature. It works imperfectly, but it helps. Maybe you can find things like that for yourself
Good luck ♥️
 
Blowmonkey said:
That's more than I have and I'm in a similar situation. I just got sober, it feels just like being high all the time, only I have a little more energy and can think clearer, that's about it. Nothing really changes unless you do something about it.
Click to expand...
Hmm, thats true, i ask myself what exactly i expect to change but then wonder if it will be a possibility, but i guess trying is the point.
 
chippermonk said:
Sorry to hear that you feel that way. I doubt it's true that you are irredeemably lame, and you write too well to qualify as stupid. So I wouldn't give up.
I think that chemically, the emptiness of using isn't much difference than the feeling of depression. Similar chemical pathways. We use to feel better, which we do for awhile, but then that depression comes back because drugs just aren't sustainable happiness. I'm recognizing that problem in myself.
But there are other ways to be happy ( or happy enough) that are more sustainable. I try to keep in mind the healthy things I can do that make me happier without a crash, like connecting to people or hiking in nature. It works imperfectly, but it helps. Maybe you can find things like that for yourself
Good luck ♥️
Click to expand...
That's what bothers me a bit as if they are similar than i have that chance to see that its not the substances vs it being me and that feels worse, but i also thought about replacing with healthier habits and have been trying to find hobbies and other activities. I think because i don't feel much that i perhaps am not interested, or maybe it is just a fog of depression and i should push past it to see what else is there, idk.
 
RepeatedIgnorance2c-74 said:
Hello all, so i am at a stand still, i question the lack of anything in myself recently (all my life correction), and want to blame using. Telling myself when i get clean i can then be like everyone else, yet before i even started i was similar.

Empty, no drive, ambition, just a weak pathetic human being, full of self sabotage and self-hate. Defeating myself out of anything, i have lived a long time stuck in the mentality injected into myself via society. Only very recently have i begun to question and develop different thoughts, yet the years of accepting the labels and identities and being a sheep have conditioned me well into being a hollow shell.

Others lost themselves and the amazing lives they had, but because i was always weak and i lost nothing and instead became the statistic i was meant to be (Thank you teachers from PreK-12). That being said, i find myself reflecting on quitting and becoming who i always accepted i can never be. Yet i find myself thinking well even if you get clean you'll still be a fucking lost waste of life. It makes it hard to be positive and think better, i want to die using so fucking badly but it has not happened(not sure how I'm surviving what has killed so many that didn't deserve to die), so i think i should try to live life properly.

It just is difficult as i am starting so much later in life and have destroyed so much, what makes me think i can build a sober life, all i have is a diploma thats it nothing helpful or unique and am basically stupid as heck( i use the internet and rely on it too much). Sorry for rant, i just need help me see out of my mind so i can quit and just stop being so fearful and keeping my head down accepting the waste of space i am. I want to develop and be something worth living with the last years i have and then give back to the world after being a stain for so long
Click to expand...
Very similar situation to me. I started using drugs heavily at 19 and it ramped up from there, not stopping until I was 28. It put me in a worse place than other people because I was also predisposed to psychosis, and had several episodes. I've now been unemployed for a while collecting social security. I live at home, don't have friends, don't see much point to things either.

What I have found is that whatever short term benefit you think you get from drugs comes back to bite you in the ass a thousand times worse, it absolutely will make mental issues worse I have found. Although sobriety is boring, it's a lot better than constant psych hospital stays and ending up on disability if you ask me.

A lot of people are struggling to find work right now that are sober with college degrees, it's a common problem nowadays.
 
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