Thanks HO. I just don't wanna (honestly...won't) tell myself I can't EVER do any cocaine ever again. I definitely have an issue and need to cut back, but I will not go the rest of my life (Vegas once a year, a few day drinking weekends a year, etc.) never doing any. I'm just embarrassed I can't have some on me, and casually do it (or not at all). To the point where I'm having friends hold my portion when we pick up...and then I just go to them for it very soon after

. I guess that's the psychological side of addiction. I have no physical dependency I don't think. Never get withdrawals. Very thankful for that. Also a heavy drinker and never get withdrawals. But also...and this is the embarrassing part...don't get a huge benefit out of either. Just feel a little "better"? Idk, everything's just more fun. AND...I don't have any trauma or anything I'm trying to suppress or forget. I'm starting to think a session or two with a therapist (never have) would be a good start. I'm just so frugal. Which reminds me of an awesome doctor I saw for a free physical A couple years ago. I'm complaining about nose issues and a "slight" cocaine habit, and then responding to her advice for therapy with "but it's expensive! it should be free once a year like physical's are!" And she was silent for a second then said "Please don't take offense to this but I think you'll understand...isn't cocaine quite expensive?" Got a good laugh out of me and, obviously zero comeback.
Here I go ranting again, to probably no one. But I don't journal or anything like that, and really don't talk about this with anyone, so I think it's good for me anyways. Alright, back to random YouTube videos and gaming.