glad you appreciated it, i've grown pretty fond of Alan's monologues recently and I feel this one was poignant for me too.
It's been difficult but I've taken some steps towards maintaining greater emotional detachment lately, as I've found myself thoroughly fed up with the world and everyone in it for a while now. More than that, I find myself filled with a lot of self directed hate when I reflect on how much time and energy I've wasted on social pretense, vain pursuits of validation, and fruitless attempts at clarity. I often feel I've thought every thought, seen every thing, felt every feeling, said everything there is for me to say, and I still find myself empty handed and resentful towards myself and others at the end of the day. It's become exceedingly difficult for me to be entertained or find any joy in any kind of standard activity, watching a show, playing a game, having a conversation, eating or drinking, making a friend, it all feels increasingly empty and pointless. Very Ecclesiastes, pursuit of wind and all that.
I don't think I feel that way because any of that is really true, it's because I have never learned how to manage my emotions or desires. And while I don't aspire to live the life of an ascetic, I can appreciate the Buddhist and Hindu perspectives on eliminating suffering through eliminating desire, and karma and all that. Basically just focusing on yourself and the things that actually matter that you can control, as it's become increasingly more difficult to feel at ease in this over stimulating and edgy world. If I don't just let it go, I will break every thing and every one.
Very slowly I've started to find a little bit of peace, by trying to direct my focus solely on maintaining gratitude, strengthening my body and my faith, improving my finances, and leaving the world in a better condition than I found it, without sacrificing my own peace of mind. Outside of ones own children, you can't really teach anyone else respect, integrity, or the value of human life, if they don't care about those things. If any discussion, activity, thing or person falls outside of that very simple program or paradigm, I am starting to not leave my bubble to pursuit it, and I think that's some progress.
beherenownetwork.com
