General Update: Last night I folded and got a bag. I did half and flushed it, slept like a baby, and here I am this morning. I'm not happy with myself- I really don't think I wanted to get high, rather just knew there was only one thing that would help me get a night of sleep. I've tried cocktails of OTC sleep supplements, Rx Meds, smoking weed, tiring myself out as much as I can before bed.... nothing has been substantially helping. I've had a few "decent" nights of sleep but they have been few and far between.
So- moving forward. I expect I may feel worse off for a few days after this (we'll see how today progresses... its 8:30am rn). I'm hoping that after over 3 weeks off everything that one small use wont set me back too far. Either way, as I see it, there isn't any choice. I'm going to have to just keep pushing, whether this extends things out a lot or not. Physically, I've been feeling almost fully back, energy is improving, not tired and stuck in bed or on the couch. Looking at the biggest issue here- sleep- I'm going to just use this Ambien and Herbal cocktail mentioned above and take sleeping as seriously as I can. I believe if I'm sleeping at least decently, consistently, then I'm addressing a major weakpoint.
I'm also going to a meeting tonight. I've gone to a couple random ones over the last week or two, but tonight I'm meeting with a few people I know. I'm hoping to get looped in a bit. Regardless, based on my life experience dealing with recovery and trying to get/stay clean, I know for me this is the really the best shot. I resisted meetings for a long time and still am not fully on board. But the truth is, therapy won't do it, living well and being mindful of my addiction won't do it, living well and pretending I'm normal won't do it. I need to be looped in with other people who are also doing it... at least for now and the foreseeable future.
The fight continues, I truly, deeply do not want to use or have anything to do with that life. I'm in a spot now where I can really start living my life well if I stay away from everything. I wish willpower was enough to lean on, and no matter how much willpower I have in the coming days, I know better then to rely on that. It can obviously change fast. As it did last night. For now I need to be stubborn and have tunnel vision and just get through the next few days/weeks and build up some time. Everything gets easier once you rack of some legit time.