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I haven't been seeing the point of much of anything lately

W

washingtonbound

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 19, 2013
Messages
720
Location
FL
I spent almost ten years dealing with severe cases of psychosis that would cause me to be hospitalized regularly. Luckily, I seem to have finally gotten over it and haven't had an episode in almost two years. Considering it used to happen about three times a year, that's a big improvement. Anyway, during this two years, I've continued to collect SSI disability and have not moved forward with any kind of employment. I suppose I'm starting to feel a bit worthless. I turned 30 last April and don't really have anything to show for it. I had hoped to make a living with music or Youtube, but this has not worked out at all. I'm lucky to pull in 50 USD a month from Spotify, and have made nothing on Youtube. I know I'm capable of working when not psychotic, and don't really have an excuse to be sitting around. I've been in South America for 9 months now where I can stretch my SSI check further, which isn't very fulfilling. I spend most my days sitting in the airbnb or hotel room, sometimes needing financial help from family before receiving a new check.

I realize I have it pretty good now in the sense that my family will support me, and I don't have any major responsibilities like a wife and kid to worry about, but there is still just this constant feeling of ennui and emptiness. I don't have a purpose in the sense of a career and also no social life. I tried staying in hostels a couple times to meet people but just ended up being very uncomfortable and wanting to leave quickly. I can talk to people okay one on one but in groups get stressed out and want to get out of there. People are often too loud and without being on drugs it's difficult to be around them. I've been basically sober for two years and that's why the psychosis stopped.

I don't like any of this social media and AI bullshit, and only enjoy things like surfing and hiking nowadays. Basically offline, nature focused stuff away from crowds of people. But even these activities don't really wow me as much as they used to. There is some anhedonia there which has been pretty constant since getting sober.

I suppose I don't see the point in the sense that I don't really have any goals at the moment, am finally coming to terms that I can't make a living with Youtube and Spotify, and am very isolated. Tired of living off of disability in South America but also petrified to return to the US at the moment. Just wanted to share this, don't know why exactly.
 
washingtonbound said:
I suppose I don't see the point in the sense that I don't really have any goals at the moment, am finally coming to terms that I can't make a living with Youtube and Spotify, and am very isolated. Tired of living off of disability in South America but also petrified to return to the US at the moment. Just wanted to share this, don't know why exactly.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your situation sounds a bit like mine.

I've had suicidal ideation over the past few years and been hospitalized for it. Not psychosis, I know, but still, mental health issues.

I'm glad social media and AI haven't grabbed ahold of you like it has many others.

Anhedonia is a total bitch.

I've seen your comments and you seem pretty cool.

Do you have a channel on youtube?
 
bvc said:
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your situation sounds a bit like mine.

I've had suicidal ideation over the past few years and been hospitalized for it. Not psychosis, I know, but still, mental health issues.

I'm glad social media and AI haven't grabbed ahold of you like it has many others.

Anhedonia is a total bitch.

I've seen your comments and you seem pretty cool.

Do you have a channel on youtube?
Click to expand...
https://www.youtube.com/@catvlyst is my Youtube

I mentioned social media and AI because I feel it has made everything feel so much more inorganic and fake. Nothing really feels authentic anymore at all, which contributes to the anhedonia. Being in nature allows for a disconnect from this fakeness, which is comforting. But then I return to society and the feeling returns.

I had a couple suicide attempts in the past by overdosing on medications, nowadays there is some passive suicidal ideation, but I'm stable enough not to do something stupid like taking a whole bottle of Zyprexa like I did when I was 20.
 
Yes...I am something like notorious being in my town and nothing, even music or movies can't fulfill my empty boredom.
I like to avoid people so sometimes i just take my dog and go to the Nature but Now Its hard cause i neeed regular police security....because i told some disturbing secrets about whats going on...
 
washingtonbound said:
https://www.youtube.com/@catvlyst is my Youtube

I mentioned social media and AI because I feel it has made everything feel so much more inorganic and fake. Nothing really feels authentic anymore at all, which contributes to the anhedonia. Being in nature allows for a disconnect from this fakeness, which is comforting. But then I return to society and the feeling returns.

I had a couple suicide attempts in the past by overdosing on medications, nowadays there is some passive suicidal ideation, but I'm stable enough not to do something stupid like taking a whole bottle of Zyprexa like I did when I was 20.
Click to expand...
I agree about AI and social media, but honestly, living one's life online always seems pretty inorganic and alienating, a facsimile of actual real life. Not what we evolved to do. I'm trying to cut it back myself and rely more on face to face relationships. Hard to do!
 
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washingtonbound said:
I spent almost ten years dealing with severe cases of psychosis that would cause me to be hospitalized regularly. Luckily, I seem to have finally gotten over it and haven't had an episode in almost two years. Considering it used to happen about three times a year, that's a big improvement. Anyway, during this two years, I've continued to collect SSI disability and have not moved forward with any kind of employment. I suppose I'm starting to feel a bit worthless. I turned 30 last April and don't really have anything to show for it. I had hoped to make a living with music or Youtube, but this has not worked out at all. I'm lucky to pull in 50 USD a month from Spotify, and have made nothing on Youtube. I know I'm capable of working when not psychotic, and don't really have an excuse to be sitting around. I've been in South America for 9 months now where I can stretch my SSI check further, which isn't very fulfilling. I spend most my days sitting in the airbnb or hotel room, sometimes needing financial help from family before receiving a new check.

I realize I have it pretty good now in the sense that my family will support me, and I don't have any major responsibilities like a wife and kid to worry about, but there is still just this constant feeling of ennui and emptiness. I don't have a purpose in the sense of a career and also no social life. I tried staying in hostels a couple times to meet people but just ended up being very uncomfortable and wanting to leave quickly. I can talk to people okay one on one but in groups get stressed out and want to get out of there. People are often too loud and without being on drugs it's difficult to be around them. I've been basically sober for two years and that's why the psychosis stopped.

I don't like any of this social media and AI bullshit, and only enjoy things like surfing and hiking nowadays. Basically offline, nature focused stuff away from crowds of people. But even these activities don't really wow me as much as they used to. There is some anhedonia there which has been pretty constant since getting sober.

I suppose I don't see the point in the sense that I don't really have any goals at the moment, am finally coming to terms that I can't make a living with Youtube and Spotify, and am very isolated. Tired of living off of disability in South America but also petrified to return to the US at the moment. Just wanted to share this, don't know why exactly.
Click to expand...
I remember some of your posts about this awhile back and chatting with you about it. I'm not going to pretend I have any answer for you but I'm sorry you're going through this.
I will say something based on my own experiences. I've spent a lot of time traveling in Latin America and I love it. But I have traveled when I was happy in life and I've traveled when I was very depressed. There was beauty in doing it either way, but traveling depressed was tough on my mood. I speak Spanish pretty well for a gringo but even at my best, I was certainly not fluent, but even if I was, there would still be a culture gap there. I was so depressed at times, and I say that as someone who loves being immersed in Spanish, as I'm sure you are ( though now that I think about it, I think you said you enjoyed Brazil as well as Colombia). I think if you are living immersed in a place where there is a gap like that going on, it's going to accentuate the alienation and withdrawal that you seem to already feel for society.
Like I said, I don't know any answers for you but I think you might be happier if you could have closer connections with people and maybe it would be easier for you in the US where your cultural commonalities might make it a little easier. A lot of things are hard to communicate and understand when a language isn't your language and I think you need all the help you can get to be able to reconnect and heal. Plus I have to believe it will be a lot easier to find work back home as well.
It sounds like your family is supportive of you?
Anyhow, good luck!
 
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chippermonk said:
I remember some of your posts about this awhile back and chatting with you about it. I'm not going to pretend I have any answer for you but I'm sorry you're going through this.
I will say something based on my own experiences. I've spent a lot of time traveling in Latin America and I love it. But I have traveled when I was happy in life and I've traveled when I was very depressed. There was beauty in doing it either way, but traveling depressed was tough on my mood. I speak Spanish pretty well for a gringo but even at my best, I was certainly not fluent, but even if I was, there would still be a culture gap there. I was so depressed at times, and I say that as someone who loves being immersed in Spanish, as I'm sure you are ( though now that I think about it, I think you said you enjoyed Brazil as well as Colombia). I think if you are living immersed in a place where there is a gap like that going on, it's going to accentuate the alienation and withdrawal that you seem to already feel for society.
Like I said, I don't know any answers for you but I think you might be happier if you could have closer connections with people and maybe it would be easier for you in the US where your cultural commonalities might make it a little easier. A lot of things are hard to communicate and understand when a language isn't your language and I think you need all the help you can get to be able to reconnect and heal. Plus I have to believe it will be a lot easier to find work back home as well.
It sounds like your family is supportive of you?
Anyhow, good luck!
Click to expand...
Thanks for your info on that. When it comes to traveling, huge high and lows definitely. A couple weeks ago I was at Chapada Diamantina National Park, and was just blown away by the unique beauty of it. I took some pictures there and reminded myself how lucky I was to be able to experience it. After that I found a surfing spot by an old lighthouse in Salvador and had fun there as well. Both of these experiences were positive and it reminded me why I travel in the first place.

On the other hand, certain people are really starting to get to me. Those who approach you with that horrible fake friendliness trying to scam you, acting like I'm too stupid to know better. I had my fill of that in Medellin and there is plenty of it in Brazil too. Portuguese I'm nowhere near being able to understand as much as Spanish, so I really get what you were saying about the language/culture barrier causing a more isolated feeling.

Other things that get old is the extremely slow customer service in most places, loud music that I don't care to hear being blasted with no concept of personal space, and dealing with thugs. Horrible poverty as well that can be shocking and disturbing to see when you leave the tourist zones.

I really enjoy getting out in nature and have gratitude for those experiences but generally I don't connect a lot with people here. The kind and decent people who are here, I struggle to communicate with because of the language barrier. Almost zero English anywhere.

It really is about time to go back, I've just been disturbed by the culture wars in the US lately and that's what keeps me from doing it.
 
washingtonbound said:
I spent almost ten years dealing with severe cases of psychosis that would cause me to be hospitalized regularly. Luckily, I seem to have finally gotten over it and haven't had an episode in almost two years. Considering it used to happen about three times a year, that's a big improvement. Anyway, during this two years, I've continued to collect SSI disability and have not moved forward with any kind of employment. I suppose I'm starting to feel a bit worthless. I turned 30 last April and don't really have anything to show for it. I had hoped to make a living with music or Youtube, but this has not worked out at all. I'm lucky to pull in 50 USD a month from Spotify, and have made nothing on Youtube. I know I'm capable of working when not psychotic, and don't really have an excuse to be sitting around. I've been in South America for 9 months now where I can stretch my SSI check further, which isn't very fulfilling. I spend most my days sitting in the airbnb or hotel room, sometimes needing financial help from family before receiving a new check.

I realize I have it pretty good now in the sense that my family will support me, and I don't have any major responsibilities like a wife and kid to worry about, but there is still just this constant feeling of ennui and emptiness. I don't have a purpose in the sense of a career and also no social life. I tried staying in hostels a couple times to meet people but just ended up being very uncomfortable and wanting to leave quickly. I can talk to people okay one on one but in groups get stressed out and want to get out of there. People are often too loud and without being on drugs it's difficult to be around them. I've been basically sober for two years and that's why the psychosis stopped.

I don't like any of this social media and AI bullshit, and only enjoy things like surfing and hiking nowadays. Basically offline, nature focused stuff away from crowds of people. But even these activities don't really wow me as much as they used to. There is some anhedonia there which has been pretty constant since getting sober.

I suppose I don't see the point in the sense that I don't really have any goals at the moment, am finally coming to terms that I can't make a living with Youtube and Spotify, and am very isolated. Tired of living off of disability in South America but also petrified to return to the US at the moment. Just wanted to share this, don't know why exactly.
Click to expand...
Welcome... to the universe. I'm STILL an addict and I feel like that almost constantly. At least when I don't have anything to knock myself out. I think that's just part of existing here, in this form. You know... human, knowing too much about the way things supposedly work, having the wonder of unknown things diluted and dismantled. I've found some ways to make the feeling subside temporarily.. but I have certain experiences to draw from that not everyone does. An NDE, vivid and strangely "coincidental" dreams, etc. I don't know if this applies to you or not, but people have a tendency to want to know the answer to everything. Why this works that way, what this thing is, where it came from, what it's backstory is... etc. If that's you, try and embrace not knowing, as a comfortable thing. That's where the wonder lies. As much as the academic community wants everyone to think they've got it all figured out, they don't. (I know "they" don't explicitly state this, and they state the opposite in many cases, but the way they present themselves and act quite often does not reflect that value, and they present themselves as authorities on <insert topic here>) I believe there are things out there that aren't able to be measured by us, at least not currently. I used to think the opposite. I can't see it, or feel it, or measure it in some way, then it doesn't exist. I despaired over that, because I wanted the "other" to be real. That was a great source of emptiness for me, and still is at times. However, because of some things I've experienced, no matter how my own mind gets to me, or I allow it to bring me low, I can't shake the feeling that there is more out there.

Rambling ended.

EDIT: Didn't mean to sound like such a douchebag at the start of this. I apologize.
 
Uden said:
Welcome... to the universe. I'm STILL an addict and I feel like that almost constantly. At least when I don't have anything to knock myself out. I think that's just part of existing here, in this form. You know... human, knowing too much about the way things supposedly work, having the wonder of unknown things diluted and dismantled. I've found some ways to make the feeling subside temporarily.. but I have certain experiences to draw from that not everyone does. An NDE, vivid and strangely "coincidental" dreams, etc. I don't know if this applies to you or not, but people have a tendency to want to know the answer to everything. Why this works that way, what this thing is, where it came from, what it's backstory is... etc. If that's you, try and embrace not knowing, as a comfortable thing. That's where the wonder lies. As much as the academic community wants everyone to think they've got it all figured out, they don't. (I know "they" don't explicitly state this, and they state the opposite in many cases, but the way they present themselves and act quite often does not reflect that value, and they present themselves as authorities on <insert topic here>) I believe there are things out there that aren't able to be measured by us, at least not currently. I used to think the opposite. I can't see it, or feel it, or measure it in some way, then it doesn't exist. I despaired over that, because I wanted the "other" to be real. That was a great source of emptiness for me, and still is at times. However, because of some things I've experienced, no matter how my own mind gets to me, or I allow it to bring me low, I can't shake the feeling that there is more out there.

Rambling ended.

EDIT: Didn't mean to sound like such a douchebag at the start of this. I apologize.
Click to expand...
I thought about those kind of existential questions when I was younger a lot, nowadays it doesn't interest me too much. Also, since the psychotic episodes I used to have tended to involve grandiose delusions about spirituality, I basically leave that stuff alone. More of my problem now is that I'm not seeing any purpose or meaning behind my mortal existence here on Earth, no job or fulfilling social connections, basically just keep going because it would be selfish to leave with family still here. That may sound a bit depressing but honestly that's the main thing that reminds me to stay grounded. Traveling a lot actually started to make me more focused on negative aspects like poverty and crime in south america, extreme social inequality far worse than anything in the US, realizing how often people will take advantage of you while pretending to be your friend, etc. Basically adopting a more misanthropic and nihilistic outlook than I had already.

Don't mean to sound like a downer, but specifically as I age (going to be 31 soon), I don't have the same kind of optimism I did when I was in my early twenties and more starry eyed about "finding myself." If I felt more integrated with society I might have a different view but frankly, I've been wanting to hide out far away from people lately and just live a simple life in nature, forgetting about the garbage thrown in your face these days online, on TV, and from those who want to get political when interacting with them.
 
Sorry I havnt read all the thread,do you play an instrument or do vocals on Spotify
 
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washingtonbound said:
I spent almost ten years dealing with severe cases of psychosis that would cause me to be hospitalized regularly. Luckily, I seem to have finally gotten over it and haven't had an episode in almost two years. Considering it used to happen about three times a year, that's a big improvement. Anyway, during this two years, I've continued to collect SSI disability and have not moved forward with any kind of employment. I suppose I'm starting to feel a bit worthless. I turned 30 last April and don't really have anything to show for it. I had hoped to make a living with music or Youtube, but this has not worked out at all. I'm lucky to pull in 50 USD a month from Spotify, and have made nothing on Youtube. I know I'm capable of working when not psychotic, and don't really have an excuse to be sitting around. I've been in South America for 9 months now where I can stretch my SSI check further, which isn't very fulfilling. I spend most my days sitting in the airbnb or hotel room, sometimes needing financial help from family before receiving a new check.

I realize I have it pretty good now in the sense that my family will support me, and I don't have any major responsibilities like a wife and kid to worry about, but there is still just this constant feeling of ennui and emptiness. I don't have a purpose in the sense of a career and also no social life. I tried staying in hostels a couple times to meet people but just ended up being very uncomfortable and wanting to leave quickly. I can talk to people okay one on one but in groups get stressed out and want to get out of there. People are often too loud and without being on drugs it's difficult to be around them. I've been basically sober for two years and that's why the psychosis stopped.

I don't like any of this social media and AI bullshit, and only enjoy things like surfing and hiking nowadays. Basically offline, nature focused stuff away from crowds of people. But even these activities don't really wow me as much as they used to. There is some anhedonia there which has been pretty constant since getting sober.

I suppose I don't see the point in the sense that I don't really have any goals at the moment, am finally coming to terms that I can't make a living with Youtube and Spotify, and am very isolated. Tired of living off of disability in South America but also petrified to return to the US at the moment. Just wanted to share this, don't know why exactly.
Click to expand...

no size fits all, least a comparison.

But I echo plenty here, I don’t suffer from psychosis but mental health, and then ADHD Autism,

Constantly up and down and not well enough to work.

I quickly come to the conclusion that I have no purpose and I’m observing a pointless recycling landfill when I don’t have anything to simply do.

My own fault but the internet and media quickly put me down a spiral of depression regarding the state of the world and perspective.

I’m lucky enough to have people there, and I spend most of my day sorting things out for them so to speak, (housework, cooking, cleaning etc)

It won’t fulfill everyone to play house wife simulator nor is it my total goal, but with my brain, if my hands have work to do, to a certain end, this case being the fulfilment of necessity’s that will help others even just slightly, my day goes by with much less apathy and frustration.

Someone has to cook dinner, or do (insert) this.

I’m terrible with meeting people, but it can stretch to small little acts of kindness, even just a smile. That feeling can carry through a day.

I’d always advocate for using whatever means to socialise with like minded people, a sense of community no matter how small has always ticked of that bit in my monkey brain, and then having meaningful things to do (no matter how small)

Your living situation sounds a bit rough, but if you can,

So long as you can live reasonably, you can take your time to get into work that’s right for you.

I’ve gone in a circle for years, with shitty jobs and making myself unwell. I’ve witnessed the same in others.

I observe my perceptions and then try to observe how they can affect outlook and action.

Its easier to go for a nice walk, and let thoughts come and go rather than contemplate the vast effect of human actions and their consequences.

I can understand the above sounds naive and wishful, and perhaps it’s not wise to wrap oneself in a bubble. But I take a deep breath, look after my real needs, and then do what I can, perceive and observe if needs be.

Far easier to overthink than try one’s best if you’ve been trained that way, and I just try to be aware best I can be.

PS- Excellent music, keep going no matter if a penny drops or not.
 
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washingtonbound said:
I make electronic music, Spotify is Catvlyst
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Well I can't do that and I can't play the guitar but my son can very well and I must say I'm so envious, even of my own son but very proud of him of course
If you have a skill that 95 percent of the population doesn't possess then that in itself is a huge achievement
 
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