For those needing some hope or light in a dark tunnel right now, I will tell you, it gets better.
It has been almost a year since my last shot since September. Several months ago, I felt like half my brain was gone. I literally couldn’t feel enjoyment. I didn’t have any optimism, I could hardly hold a 5 minute conversation, I would wake up in the middle of the night every single day, I thought it was permanent, I thought my life was over. It was a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Like my brain was floating in a jar full of liquid. No one could relate to me.
I received 6 shots total. (Could be 7 if including the starting dose). For months, I felt like this. There were days that were absolutely terrible. Weeks upon weeks I wouldn’t want to leave my bed. It’s a slow process, but believe me it starts to fade away. The depression you’re feeling right now is normal and it won’t be around much longer. Even though it feels like eternity right now, it isn’t.
Today, I can say I feel around 90% better than what I was over this past year. And it’s not just one day here or there, it’s consistent. I enjoy video games again. I can play them for hours and feel enjoyment. I’ve been listening to music more. Not as much as I used to, but I can feel pleasure from a good song. I can feel a good nicotine buzz now, when before I couldn’t. Just recently, I started to change my diet to lose weight. I gained around 30 pounds from binge eating sweets and cheese to feel some sort of dopamine. I will begin exercising very soon.
What I’m basically trying to say is, that in this moment, the way you’re feeling right now is going to suck ALOT. You’re going to feel like this for a bit. But, if you’re patient and KIND to yourself during this time, I promise things will get better. I know it’s hard to do that right now, but just down the road, you’ll look back and it’ll be a distant memory.
I drowned myself with reading Invega stories, scrolling Reddit, looking for answers. I was obsessed with fixing it. Once you find out you can’t fix it right now but it’ll will fix itself eventually, it will help you. One day at a time. It’s going to happen. You might think it’s never going to happen, but I am telling you it will get better. I was exactly where you are not too long ago.
So stay strong. If you’re depressed right now, IT IS OKAY. If you’re confused, anxious, mad that this happened to you, think your life is over, IT IS OKAY. You’re here right now. You have life in you. Your brain is powerful and it will figure this out. Let this medication slowly leave your body and tell it to fuck off forever.
You are in recovery. You are not broken. Your life isn’t over.
Talk to people, those close to you about what you’re going through. Tell them your story. Tell them about the medication. I promise they’ll be supportive. And if you have no one in your life, then be supportive to yourself. Seek another to talk to. These days, weeks, months are dark. But I will tell you now, that this is only temporary.
Peace and love to all of you. I wish the fastest possible recovery for each and every one of you