I'm a few days into detox from a 10+ year habit. Just need encouragement I guess.

[whereismylife]

I don't know what day I'm actually on. Over the past 2 weeks I went from 2-3 Oxy or 10 dillies per day over to 100 mg kadians because they are cheaper, got down to a day only using one kadian, then half, then zero 4 or 5 days ago.

I'm lucky in that I had SR-17018 to take during that time so despite tapering so quickly I didn't experience any precipitated withdrawals.

But I'm a dumbass in that, if I had quit a month earlier when I first got the SR-17 this all probably would have been a lot easier. Instead I got some money and kept using while taking the SR-17 and wasted 90% of it.

When I ran out of morphine I started taking some powdered leaf Kratom which sucks, it's disgusting, and feels like it doesn't help much until I take enough to feel dizzy.

In terms of physical symptoms it hasn't been too bad other than general feeling like shit and one 16 hour straight hell of non stop bad RLS from day 2-3. Nothing compared to my other past detox attempts.

But man it's the mental part that always gets me. Yesterday I honestly started feeling way less physically sick and almost physically okay for the most part, but I have such low energy it feels like it's too much work just to stand for a few minutes. It's difficult to distract myself with anything. I don't want to do anything but I'm so bored.

And today. Actually last night when I went to lay down I was thinking hopeful thoughts I might do something productive today even if it's small. The RLS ended up coming back for a few hours, and it has been several nights in a row with 0-2 hours of sleep.

I feel exhausted but restless. I'm so tired but so bored. And today it feels like the depression is really starting to hit. Just wasting time on YouTube. lol I listened to someone sing don't stop believing by journey and I had to turn it off cause I was going to cry haha fuck

Will I get some energy back soon? What am I doing with my life. I'm too old I've wasted so much time getting to rock bottom.

I don't know, sorry for ranting. Just feeling kind of hopeless in limbo. Love you all and hope you guys are doing better than I am.

 

[pixies+]

Welcome

I’m so happy you’re here man! So many of us never make it out. You’re fucking sober man… I hope you’re so insanely proud of yourself. If not, I’ll be proud for you until you’re able to see it yourself.

I was an iv coke/dilaudid addict for many, many years. I’ve been sober from those two drugs for 2.5 years now. Though I’m still on 8mg subs. I know the fucking struggle. I relate to every single thing you posted. Aside from the SR-17 stuff which really does seem to be a miracle substance…

Everything you’re feeling is soooooo normal.

Restless mind and body. Exhausted mind and body. Your dopamine is depleted. It takes time for your brain to heal, but the good news is, it absolutely does. My suggestion would be to make sure you eat healthy. Exercise is very important… even if it’s a 5 minute walk. ANYTHING is better than nothing. Pick up some vitamins if you don’t have the energy to cook much right now. You need proper nourishment though.. the sooner you begin the quicker this will all get better for you.

You’ve already done hands down one of the hardest things on earth in my opinion. You stopped doing opioids. Because you had enough. That’s fucking amazing!!!

It’s okay to cry at silly (amazing) song lol

Let yourself feel… allow “normal” human emotions into your soul again. You don’t have to live there.. let the tears come, then say “thanks tears, but now I’m going to focus on something different”. Set a timer if you have to.

Do you have family, friends, or an animal?
Sorry if this is a touchy subject.

Stick around… there’s a ton of amazing people and so much wisdom here.

 

[pixies+]

Energy returns. I can’t give you a timeline… that sort of depends on you and your actions, you know?

For the love of fuck, try not to doom scroll. lol

YouTube can be cool and super helpful but in small doses. Or make sure you’re watching things that bring you joy. Do you like stand up comedy? Podcasts?

What are - or were - your hobbies? It’s okay if the answer is “I don’t know anymore”… guess what.. now you get to know a brand new you. You get to live life with all the knowledge that comes with drug abuse. Find new things that inspire you and make you feel that spark. May not come right away.. just take your time. Your body will thank you. It already is.

That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I wish so much didn’t happen in my life… but then.. i also wouldn’t give my experiences back because I am who I am because of it all.

I’m not perfect.. lol Jesus.. my memory has been affected in many ways

 

[pnillyg]

I don't know what day I'm actually on. Over the past 2 weeks I went from 2-3 Oxy or 10 dillies per day over to 100 mg kadians because they are cheaper, got down to a day only using one kadian, then half, then zero 4 or 5 days ago.

I'm lucky in that I had SR-17018 to take during that time so despite tapering so quickly I didn't experience any precipitated withdrawals.

But I'm a dumbass in that, if I had quit a month earlier when I first got the SR-17 this all probably would have been a lot easier. Instead I got some money and kept using while taking the SR-17 and wasted 90% of it.

When I ran out of morphine I started taking some powdered leaf Kratom which sucks, it's disgusting, and feels like it doesn't help much until I take enough to feel dizzy.

In terms of physical symptoms it hasn't been too bad other than general feeling like shit and one 16 hour straight hell of non stop bad RLS from day 2-3. Nothing compared to my other past detox attempts.

But man it's the mental part that always gets me. Yesterday I honestly started feeling way less physically sick and almost physically okay for the most part, but I have such low energy it feels like it's too much work just to stand for a few minutes. It's difficult to distract myself with anything. I don't want to do anything but I'm so bored.

And today. Actually last night when I went to lay down I was thinking hopeful thoughts I might do something productive today even if it's small. The RLS ended up coming back for a few hours, and it has been several nights in a row with 0-2 hours of sleep.

I feel exhausted but restless. I'm so tired but so bored. And today it feels like the depression is really starting to hit. Just wasting time on YouTube. lol I listened to someone sing don't stop believing by journey and I had to turn it off cause I was going to cry haha fuck

Will I get some energy back soon? What am I doing with my life. I'm too old I've wasted so much time getting to rock bottom.

I don't know, sorry for ranting. Just feeling kind of hopeless in limbo. Love you all and hope you guys are doing better than I am.

i know it feels like it but you are not alone and it will get better. right there with you

 

[whereismylife]

Energy returns. I can’t give you a timeline… that sort of depends on you and your actions, you know?

For the love of fuck, try not to doom scroll. lol

YouTube can be cool and super helpful but in small doses. Or make sure you’re watching things that bring you joy. Do you like stand up comedy? Podcasts?

What are - or were - your hobbies? It’s okay if the answer is “I don’t know anymore”… guess what.. now you get to know a brand new you. You get to live life with all the knowledge that comes with drug abuse. Find new things that inspire you and make you feel that spark. May not come right away.. just take your time. Your body will thank you. It already is.

That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I wish so much didn’t happen in my life… but then.. i also wouldn’t give my experiences back because I am who I am because of it all.

I’m not perfect.. lol Jesus.. my memory has been affected in many ways

My favorite thing in the world before I got too lost in opiates used to be to bring my guitar to the beach and find a spot to myself to play and sing some sublime songs. But I don't think I can even play anymore. That and exploring places. Or going to little Island festivals on van island. Used to go to shambalah music festival every year. Man I don't even have any friends anymore half of them are dead and the other half I just haven't spoken to in years. Anyway other than all that just playing video games I guess. Trying to relax and do that a bit but it's hard to give anything more than 15 mins of attention at a time right now.

I do feel some small glimpses of feeling enjoyment or interest in life but it's damn fleeting.

I'm pacing back and forth in my kitchen right now so I guess that's some exercise.

Anyway thanks for the replies I just had this feeling I wanted to talk to somebody and just I don't know yknow

Edit: Thinking about this more it makes me sad how much I haven't been living life anymore. I think the last time I truly was living life was the last time I threw a small mattress and a cooler in the back of my truck to drive off on vacation wherever. That might have been when we drove to watch the eclipse in Oregon and I found one of my cats one night by a logging road we stayed the night on. Or maybe there'd a more recent trip, my memory is messed now, feels like a lifetime ago.

 

[whereismylife]

Almost lost the war like Bradley did. Shit, twice actually. God do I wish I had stopped back then. The first time, I don't even think I was hooked then... Just snorted too much heroin when I was drunk and woke up in a hospital. The second time. Man even then it was before I was in too deep, I was only using a couple Oxy 80s on the weekends mostly. Accidentally took some fent one weekend and it was bad enough I spent a week in the hospital. Scariest day of my life, and I've done some dumb shit.

I remember being in the ambulance and not knowing wtf was happening while I was strapped down to a stretcher with someone holding one of those hospital cardboard bowl things over my face while I puked all over myself wondering if I was dying or becoming a zombie lol

Then I remember being inside the hospital surrounded by people and I started having a seizure. Next thing I know I was waking up later, but my friend who has found me and got help had gone to the hospital and he said when they put the catheter in they could hear my screams down the hall lol

And still by dumbass went back to using. Fuck that was years ago now.

 

[pixies+]

Please feel free to keep writing okay? I do A LOT of writing here. It’s insanely therapeutic.

You’re obviously a fighter.

And Sublime…
Man.. haven’t listened to them in such a long time. Thanks for that

A ton of us are fighting the same fight. We could all “take” something beautiful from each other.

I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts. Don’t back down now. You got this dude. Rock the fuckkkk on.

 

[whereismylife]

The guy who showed me this song was one of my very best friends for at least 10 years, before we both got too mixed up with drugs. Started drifting apart and eventually he started using and selling meth and kind of dissaprared for a month. One day I go to a show and his girlfriend who I was friends with even longer ended up coming. She hadn't seen him in even longer. Of course we end up sleeping together, and my old friend never spoke to me again.

Man that was 10 years ago now. It was the show for Odessa new album In Return. It feels like life has just been passing me by since back before then

 

[whereismylife]

Man I don't know how to live with myself right now. Physically I'm just real tired and heavy but somehow I feel mentally the worst out of the whole time. It's like I've got more of my brain back but I don't know how to do anything with it but feel depressed. I know I wouldn't say it if I had the RLS but I'd almost take the RLS back over this. At least when I'm in agony like that I just have to live with the pain but now it feels like I almost should be able to function but my head is just too broken.

All the leaves are brown and the sky is gray

I miss being a little kid when my big sister used to sing that song.

Well I'm gonna go lay in some grass or something and try to cheer up.

 

[whereismylife]

I don't know why but my god last night got so much worse. Mostly with the RLS. So fucking painful my legs and my feet. I tried a heating pad after putting on this magnesium lotion and I think I just basted myself like a turkey and cooked my feet because I actually managed to fall asleep for about 15 minutes and woke up to the room smelling so fuckin horrible

This morning has been rough. I haven't slept more than an hour each night for too many days, my legs so painful, exhausted. I just kept getting up every bit and trying to take more Kratom or a supplement or something

I don't know what it was but finally I ended up getting about 30 mins sleep around noon and woke up feeling much better. Oh I also took some Pregabalin so that might be it but I think ALCAR helped also.

I also ended up with a small pile of 20 bills from a neighbor and it's not easy to not spend that on drugs right now

 

[pixies+]

are you in the type of physical shape where you could exhaust yourself conpletely? Like run in one spot really really hard… or sprint down the middle of your road in the middle of the night if you have to?

Anything. Anything to get the restless energy out. It’s not a magic fix.. but it’s something

Plus you can only think about sprinting when you’re sprinting. I should say I can only think about sprinting when I sprint.

 

[pixies+]

I don't know why but my god last night got so much worse. Mostly with the RLS. So fucking painful my legs and my feet. I tried a heating pad after putting on this magnesium lotion and I think I just basted myself like a turkey and cooked my feet because I actually managed to fall asleep for about 15 minutes and woke up to the room smelling so fuckin horrible

This morning has been rough. I haven't slept more than an hour each night for too many days, my legs so painful, exhausted. I just kept getting up every bit and trying to take more Kratom or a supplement or something

I don't know what it was but finally I ended up getting about 30 mins sleep around noon and woke up feeling much better. Oh I also took some Pregabalin so that might be it but I think ALCAR helped also.

I also ended up with a small pile of 20 bills from a neighbor and it's not easy to not spend that on drugs right now

I have some alcar but never tried it!!!

How do you find it??

 

[whereismylife]

I used to love running. Just not really anywhere good to do it around here. I live kinda in an old farm house next to a really busy road.

I did do a few squats earlier today when I could. I'm hoping to buy an exercise bike or something when I can

Honestly I don't know if it was the ALCAR, or the varenicline I took, but earlier I had taken enough Kratom I couldn't see straight, had already taken 200 mg Pregabalin over the prior 12 hours and my legs and feet were still in burning pain and unable to be still.

So anytime I felt like I could see straight enough to go on my phone I was trying to Google what could help. Apparently varenicline can help some people with RLS and in one study it was shown to help with opioid withdrawals, and I had some around so I took half of one to see.

Then I read somewhere anticholinergics will make RLS worse. So I figured I should try to get some acetylcholine, and I found a bottle of ALCAR in the back of my supps shelf. Took 4 of those lol.

Like I said I ended up catching a nap and woke up feeling much, much better mentally. And it's only gotten better since. My head is clearing up probably with that shit Kratom wearing off and my legs slowly went to feeling normal.

Dopamine deficiency in the thalamus apparently causes or worsens RLS and I guess varenicline blocks a nicotine receptor there which helps the situation. I take Dexedrine every day which if I remember correctly uses up choline, and if you are low in acetylcholine it will cause low dopamine too.

Maybe it was the combo of varenicline and ALCAR but I feel almost close to being normal, just with the gross feeling of Pregabalin and Kratom effects that I really don't enjoy personally. And lack of sleep lol

Well, that's my theory anyway, but like I said I took a few different things plus probably a dozen other supplements throughout last night and this morning.

Man I almost can't believe it, I thought that hell would never end. Time goes by so slow in that restless sleepless hell of nonstop painful RLS

 

[whereismylife]

Okay so how do I not end up fuckin hooked on opiates again. Fuk. It's too easy to call the dealer man. I actually texted them earlier then stopped.

I feel like I deserve a treat after going through this week. But that treat will end up being 80 mg of oxy and thats not good... Or is it?

Ah I'm losing my mind

 

[whereismylife]

I'm an alligator!
I'm a mama papa coming for youuuuu
I'm a space invader
I'll be a rock-'n'-rolling bitch for you
Keep your mouth shut
You're squawking like a pink monkey biiiiiird
And I'm busting up my brains for the words

 

[whereismylife]

I feel like fucking garbage again. Fuuuuuuuyyyyyuuuyyyuyyyyyuuuuuuk