I don't want to live without fentanyl.
Or more simply: I don't want to live.
Im 39. I was almost a millionaire by 30. Had a bad breakup, started using drugs, blew all my money, had a stroke but got screwed on disability. I tried to work, but can't do anything really worth anything. I tried sales and made under 30k my first year. It wasn't enough to afford my fentanyl habit, so I quit, fentanyl and work. I got clean for like 2 months, and wanted to kill myself every single day. Even when I was "recovered" I couldn't think.
So, I got on methadone. I'm on 70mg, and still get dopesick unless I do about 5 bags on top of it. But I'm still depressed, which is weird, because I wasn't depressed on fentanyl. I was happy, I was working - it did what no antidepressant could.
But I can't afford it. It is so fked up. Fentanyl is legal with a prescription, I need it for depression so I won't kill myself (which I tried to do twice, not counting the 7 times I've been narcan'd). But I can't get fentanyl prescribed for depression. I can only get methadone, because it's "the same thing" as fentanyl. Except it doesn't get you high, or make you feel better, or apparently treat depression. So why can't I get fentanyl if it's the same thing as methadone??
But it also isn't the same thing. The short life of fentanyl means you can do a bag when you're upset or tired, but you give your receptors a break at night. So you don't like become numb to it. Methadone is like supposed to "keep you good 24/7", but I don't think anything really works like that. What it does seem to do is screw up your tolerance, so you need just as much fentanyl on top of the methadone as you would if you didn't have it (and God forbid you get narcan'd, because that stuff blows away the methadone. Honestly, that shit should be illegal. I've been narcan'd 7 times, and especially this last time, I would have been better off dying. I'd rather die than be narcan'd. I saved a girls life, but with CPR, and her heart didn't stop, so really just mouth to mouth a few times and sitting her up. I didn't make her dopesick af and stuck in a hospital).
But anyway, I don't know what to do. I don't have kids of my own, but I have a girl I like and I love her kids like my own. I said I wanted to die, but really what I mean is id rather be dead than broke, dopesick, useless and miserable. I should have got $2,400/mo in disability, but a judge denied me, and in so doing he basically killed me. I had Bitcoin but those are gone, along with my real estate. And I have a criminal record, so I can't even work a job for idiots, like police officer or caretaker or something.
I need about $40/day to feel okay . That used to be less than a weeks work. But now, it's more than I make all month. So I basically spend half the month bedridden, on methadone but still feeling like shit, and the other half spending almost all my money on dope. I wish I knew this is how my life would have ended up - I had 30k when I got out of prison, and perhaps should have tried to find like bulk fentanyl powder on the dark web or something. But now I'm broke.
I thought about dealing fentanyl, but I don't have a consistently good connect. It seems crazy I'm going to kill myself (best case, or worst case, live 20-30 miserable years and still die from old age) if I can't get the right chemical to put up my nose. But that's biology, people died for tens of thousands of years for want of insulin. It's actually a miracle something exists that can make you feel so good you can be alone with nothing and no hope and still be happy. Or if not happy, at least not wanting to cease existing. But society is screwed up; we create a miracle drug, and then idiots ban it through violence. Or perhaps idiots isn't the right word - it's probably a few of the rich and powerful (who can still buy as much as they want) that tell the masses it's evil and dangerous so they can then get the average joe to sell their soul for a few hundred bucks of chemicals. After all, they give away crappy, super addicting methadone for free; but fentanyl, you got to pay for. Of course, if you're rich, you can get it delivered as fast as a pizza.
I just don't know what to do. I wish I had learned organic chemistry. "Fentanyl" actually has several analogs, and then their are other opioid antagonists, like isotonitzenes. Im not even sure if you'd need to make anything, it seems like you can just buy small "samples" of fentanyl with a sigma-aldridge account to "calibrate" your testing equipment. At least that's what I need a 10 dose vial of pure fentanyl solution for. It just makes me sick to see the DEA destroy kilograms of fentanyl, when 1 is probably all I'd need my whole life. And while poor people across the world die in unbearable pain. Though I guess I should be counted among them, since if I end up killing myself, it will literally be because I couldn't bear the pain. God I love fentanyl though. That's how I want to die. I want to get high, then just wait for like an hour, then shoot a video saying goodbye, then just do a couple more grams and be gone. It might *look* like a violent, painful way to die, but I've been brought back enough to know, you feel nothing. That like gasping for air and shit, that is your body dying - your brain is off. You're not even asleep, you're just gone. It's so peaceful. You never feel it coming. You only wake up in hell if someone narcans you.
I wonder how many times that girl I saved has sat there dopesick. Or tricked for a bun. I felt like such a hero when I "saved" her, but all I did was condemn her to this same hell I'm still too scared to escape. And why? Because everyone I love is here. 4 people. That's it. And really 1. If she died, I'd kill myself tomorrow. But she hasn't, so I just wait. And suffer, and wonder if I should have let that girl die in my arms. I wish I could die in hers. But she wouldn't understand it was peaceful - so I'll die alone. I just wish I could have enough fentanyl for the rest of my life.
Or more simply: I don't want to live.
Im 39. I was almost a millionaire by 30. Had a bad breakup, started using drugs, blew all my money, had a stroke but got screwed on disability. I tried to work, but can't do anything really worth anything. I tried sales and made under 30k my first year. It wasn't enough to afford my fentanyl habit, so I quit, fentanyl and work. I got clean for like 2 months, and wanted to kill myself every single day. Even when I was "recovered" I couldn't think.
So, I got on methadone. I'm on 70mg, and still get dopesick unless I do about 5 bags on top of it. But I'm still depressed, which is weird, because I wasn't depressed on fentanyl. I was happy, I was working - it did what no antidepressant could.
But I can't afford it. It is so fked up. Fentanyl is legal with a prescription, I need it for depression so I won't kill myself (which I tried to do twice, not counting the 7 times I've been narcan'd). But I can't get fentanyl prescribed for depression. I can only get methadone, because it's "the same thing" as fentanyl. Except it doesn't get you high, or make you feel better, or apparently treat depression. So why can't I get fentanyl if it's the same thing as methadone??
But it also isn't the same thing. The short life of fentanyl means you can do a bag when you're upset or tired, but you give your receptors a break at night. So you don't like become numb to it. Methadone is like supposed to "keep you good 24/7", but I don't think anything really works like that. What it does seem to do is screw up your tolerance, so you need just as much fentanyl on top of the methadone as you would if you didn't have it (and God forbid you get narcan'd, because that stuff blows away the methadone. Honestly, that shit should be illegal. I've been narcan'd 7 times, and especially this last time, I would have been better off dying. I'd rather die than be narcan'd. I saved a girls life, but with CPR, and her heart didn't stop, so really just mouth to mouth a few times and sitting her up. I didn't make her dopesick af and stuck in a hospital).
But anyway, I don't know what to do. I don't have kids of my own, but I have a girl I like and I love her kids like my own. I said I wanted to die, but really what I mean is id rather be dead than broke, dopesick, useless and miserable. I should have got $2,400/mo in disability, but a judge denied me, and in so doing he basically killed me. I had Bitcoin but those are gone, along with my real estate. And I have a criminal record, so I can't even work a job for idiots, like police officer or caretaker or something.
I need about $40/day to feel okay . That used to be less than a weeks work. But now, it's more than I make all month. So I basically spend half the month bedridden, on methadone but still feeling like shit, and the other half spending almost all my money on dope. I wish I knew this is how my life would have ended up - I had 30k when I got out of prison, and perhaps should have tried to find like bulk fentanyl powder on the dark web or something. But now I'm broke.
I thought about dealing fentanyl, but I don't have a consistently good connect. It seems crazy I'm going to kill myself (best case, or worst case, live 20-30 miserable years and still die from old age) if I can't get the right chemical to put up my nose. But that's biology, people died for tens of thousands of years for want of insulin. It's actually a miracle something exists that can make you feel so good you can be alone with nothing and no hope and still be happy. Or if not happy, at least not wanting to cease existing. But society is screwed up; we create a miracle drug, and then idiots ban it through violence. Or perhaps idiots isn't the right word - it's probably a few of the rich and powerful (who can still buy as much as they want) that tell the masses it's evil and dangerous so they can then get the average joe to sell their soul for a few hundred bucks of chemicals. After all, they give away crappy, super addicting methadone for free; but fentanyl, you got to pay for. Of course, if you're rich, you can get it delivered as fast as a pizza.
I just don't know what to do. I wish I had learned organic chemistry. "Fentanyl" actually has several analogs, and then their are other opioid antagonists, like isotonitzenes. Im not even sure if you'd need to make anything, it seems like you can just buy small "samples" of fentanyl with a sigma-aldridge account to "calibrate" your testing equipment. At least that's what I need a 10 dose vial of pure fentanyl solution for. It just makes me sick to see the DEA destroy kilograms of fentanyl, when 1 is probably all I'd need my whole life. And while poor people across the world die in unbearable pain. Though I guess I should be counted among them, since if I end up killing myself, it will literally be because I couldn't bear the pain. God I love fentanyl though. That's how I want to die. I want to get high, then just wait for like an hour, then shoot a video saying goodbye, then just do a couple more grams and be gone. It might *look* like a violent, painful way to die, but I've been brought back enough to know, you feel nothing. That like gasping for air and shit, that is your body dying - your brain is off. You're not even asleep, you're just gone. It's so peaceful. You never feel it coming. You only wake up in hell if someone narcans you.
I wonder how many times that girl I saved has sat there dopesick. Or tricked for a bun. I felt like such a hero when I "saved" her, but all I did was condemn her to this same hell I'm still too scared to escape. And why? Because everyone I love is here. 4 people. That's it. And really 1. If she died, I'd kill myself tomorrow. But she hasn't, so I just wait. And suffer, and wonder if I should have let that girl die in my arms. I wish I could die in hers. But she wouldn't understand it was peaceful - so I'll die alone. I just wish I could have enough fentanyl for the rest of my life.
