Hi. I started this thread way back over a year ago. People still post on it, so I figured I'ld start here. My main problem is depression. I been dealing with it all my life. I get these bad episodes where I'ld like to die. In between episodes, I mostly seem like I'm just fine. After I started taking hydrocodone for back pain, I found that it was also kind of good for depression. That led me to reading about opioids and depression, which led me to this website.
I figured that a site for drug users would probably have members who knew something about mental pain. That proved correct, and I appreciate others posting on this thread and sharing their experience with depression and opioids. I am very grateful for all the contributors who entered into discussions here. People are very sincere here at Bluelight.
I'm having a bad episode. My refill on the Vicodin was ready yesterday, but I was too depressed to go get it. I went today and got it because I fear withdrawal. I came home and took two tablets. That would be a total of 20mg of hydrocodone. Twenty minutes later, I noticed I was thinking more calmly. That amazed me. I had wanted to take 4 tablets, but I have to make my refill last for a month. So I thought I better just take two. I told myself I could take another two tabs, if the first two don't help. I never take 4 tablets close together, but today I would have eaten live cockroaches, if I thought it would ease my mental state. This has been the worst mental tailspin in a long while.
Over the years, I went for psychiatric treatment, none of which was much good. I got prescribed just about every psychotropic out there. Other posters here have said similar things about psych meds not being helpful. The most demoralizing thing is trying to explain to professionals that my problem is severe because of how bad the episodes can get. I come across as a competent person. I get dismissed, or told one platitude after another, like, "maybe you need to learn self-grounding techniques." I don't expect anyone to wave a magic wand. For many years I've had suicidal thinking, but I mostly figured it was just fantasizing. I just keep it to myself. I don't want cops coming to my door.
These episodes have been coming closer together. Today I thought about just eating all 60 Vicodin tablets in my refill. But that can produce unpredictable results. I've never done anything like that. I won't do that today or tomorrow. These episodes always blow over eventually. But they come back over and over. If even one doctor believed me, I would be helped, just to be believed.
Maybe I'm out of line here. If so, I'm sorry. Maybe this belongs in a different section. Maybe I'm being too explicit. Surely, I do realize that many members of this site have been through way worse stuff than I've ever had to deal with. I'm in awe of what people manage to survive. Mainly I just came here to say that I've been climbing the walls since yesterday, and finally got the worsening hysteria to slow down by taking some hydrocodone. I'm not having any backpain today. I'm trying to make the mental pain ease up. If I ever told that to my doctor, he'ld probably never order opioid pills for me again. So I don't confide too much that might threaten my supply. Doctors have to protect themselves, so you have to be real careful about telling them anything.
I used to have a prescription for Ritalin. Taking 40 mg of Ritalin with the hydrocodone worked even better. I don't have Ritalin anymore. I'm afraid to ask for it again. I know more drugs is not a good longterm solution. My whole problem is that, since my partner died, I spend way too much time alone. Except to go to the stores for necessities, I mostly stay in my apartment alone. That's a bad way to live that will drive anyone off the deep end sooner or later. I better do something besides sitting here wanting to take more hydrocodone. Doing something constructive sometimes speeds up getting an "episode" to run its course and conclude, so I can feel normal again. Thanks for listening. I hope anyone reading this is doing okay at the moment.
