My girlfriend does drugs as a mother! And I can’t report her because they will take her children. And I can’t help her alone

[victorzyyy]

My girlfriend (33F) has two kids (5M, 9F) that I help her raise. I am 24 years old myself

Her kids were sent to live with their grandparents by social services for a year because she had a burnout and other issues. This is the second time her kids have been taken from her. She’s now trying to get them back, but I’m terrified of what will happen if she succeeds because she has a drug problem that affects everything in her life. And no one knows about that problem but me.

She uses 4-FMP to give herself energy, but it doesn’t make her productive like she thinks. For example, she’ll decide to hang shelves but will move them many times in a day. Staying up all night. Before, she would use it to draw, but she’d stay awake for 50 hours straight and draw the same thing repeatedly. Most of the time, the drugs make her paranoid, angry, or completely inefficient towards me personally in case I showed that I am not happy of her use. For the rest she would look like a zombie when she is drawing, and she is 100% convinced that she is now doing productive art.
This drug also makes her accuses me of cheating, hacking her, or plotting against her. With 0 evidence every time. And if I give her evidence that I didn’t. She would believe me when she is sober and when she does drugs again she accuses me of new things.

The drugs cycle is like this, she does drugs. Stays all day doing things. Then at night keeps going with doing things, next morning, she then looks like someone who is surviving life because of no sleep. She stays awake until the night and then she collapses. Imagine sometimes she sniffed more and stayed a third day.
But after collapsing she takes one day of rest because her body is dead dead. When her body is rested she buys some more and sniff and then cycle repeat. You have then about 4 days of being awake per week.

When her kids are with her, which happens now once every and a while. she would do the drugs when they are here not always but she does it! Gets distracted, staying up all night doing random things, like rearranging furniture and then doing it again and again in the same day instead of giving that time to her kids. I can be busy too but mostly I play with her kids cool games and all because I seriously miss them! They aren’t so often here, specially the daughter even tho she annoys people with her behaviour, if you don’t see her for weeks you will miss her.
So I play with them so she can be busy doing other things because she REALLY needs to rearrange the house furniture! She says she will make food for the kids, but when it is time to feed children. She asks if I can cook for her kids because she’s too busy doing tasks, or she would ask me to come help her. (Not to say when I cook I ask no one to help me and I cook for her and her children often) or she’ll cook in a rushed way while still on drugs. She’s so disconnected.

She promises me she’ll stop but never follows through. She apologizes, says she’ll quit, then two days later, she’s using again. If I ask if she’s sober, she gets mad and says, “I’m just taking it to get things done; it’s not a big deal.” She switches from shame and apologies to defending it like it’s normal and makes me feel like I am annoying her.

I feel stuck because I can’t go to the authorities without risking her losing her kids forever. Her mother is no help either—she’s the one who reports my girlfriend to the authorities in the first place but in the worst way possible as if her daughter is an enemy.

I love her, and she’s not just her addiction. But I feel like I’m being manipulated. I can’t get mad at her, even when I want to, because she’s so volatile. I try to be kind and supportive, but she still thinks I’m against her.

I feel so powerless. I want to help her, but I don’t know how. Any advice

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

I guess sometimes it's hard or impossible to help people if they don't want or accept it.

I'm thinking mostly about those kids. They deserve to grow up in a nurturing environment. I think it's best to consider their wellbeing as most important here. Doing what's in their best interest. I can't imagine she's much of a good mother if she's either tweaked out or sleeping all of the time. It's sad but those kids might need you to help them get a proper upbringing. What happens if they use their mom's drugs somehow, or have some tragic accident while she's passed out, or something similar?

Maybe going to an NA meeting will help her. It has to be her decision in the end. Society just can't fix her for her.

I don't think you have any commitment to stay with her if she's doing all of this. I don't know your situation entirely, true. I'm just going off of what you said.

Sounds like she really needs help. Those kids shouldd be the priority in this situation, again.

 

[SeekingOblivion]

Lost cause. Contact the grandparents yourself and tell them to come get the kids or you’ll call CPS on her. Leave this bitch. Waste of air and space, she should never have had kids and she shouldn’t keep the ones she has.

 

[Ds]

Maybe speak with the parents about having an intervention with her.
I haven't read where if she's ever gone to rehab before. Maybe that is something that you could discuss with the grandparents. Not sure who provides the house where she lives or anything(unless it's her), but maybe get the locks changed and well give her an ultimatum, that if she continues to use drugs then she not only will not have her kids, but she won't have a place to live either. If she gets violent in anyway call the police, and videotape her being violent(not while you are having an intervention because i wouldn't want anyone videotaping me).
Are the grandparents the providers? Do they pay the bills, and do any stuff around the house? If all this is a No, and she owns the house or pays the bills to be here, then have you just tried talking with her that she's got a fucking drug problem? Be a man about it and sayit like if you were her Dad or your dad or something.
Make it clear that you still love her and everything but her doing the drugs is putting a lot of pressure on your relationship with her. That she's crossed the line. & Tell her, that you love her and you know that she's a good mom, but not so fucking much while on the drugs. That her being high around the kids isnan accident waiting to happen.
Not sure if you are close with her grandparents, but you maybe could get them involved, and let them know that you are doing this out of love because you don't want to be that dude to find her dead following her benge in 4-fm.
(I've done that stuff before and I felt the same way as her, that I had sone shit under control in my Life, which I didn't)

Look around for treatment centers, that are state funded, maybe start calling them. Maybe let them know that you have a friend that you want to get treatment for but you are afraid that she will say no, or something.
Hopefully you can figure somethings out for her man.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Lost cause. Contact the grandparents yourself and tell them to come get the kids or you’ll call CPS on her. Leave this bitch. Waste of air and space, she should never have had kids and she shouldn’t keep the ones she has.

No kids involved with me but

There are many times in my life my wife could have said this about me and left. It has gotten so bad that My own parents cut all contact and I haven’t even lived with them for 20 years.

Anyways, I’ve gotten clean multiple times, I’ve had some great runs in my life and career making a lot of money and gotten to travel around the world with my wife.

She loves me despite my addiction and has stayed with me through rock bottoms. I know that if I keep dragging her down with me I might lose her. But I haven’t yet. There is a love so strong between us.

I don’t really know what point I’m trying to make other than writing off and addict and leaving them isn’t so cut and dry sometimes.

 

[4DQSAR]

I was married to someone who had issues with various stimulants. I figured maybe desoxypipradrol might be sort of a methadone for stimulant addicts but she consumed an ungodly amount in short order.

I'm not sure how or when she got into stimulants but before that it had been hydrocodone. The diametric opposite.

In retrospect I think she was and still is a very unhappy person. She's ended up very isolated and it's my guess that her behaviors are the reason. She was absolutely convinced I was seeing someone else based on no evidence whatsoever but you can't prove a negative so for months I was being accused multiple times a day.

But in the end I walked out and was homeless for a while. I just woke up one day and realized I would end up killing myself because she was abusive almost all of the time.

You can only give someone so many chances. I don't know where you are but here in the UK social services will try almost everything before taking a child from it's parent(s).

My bitter experience taught me that if someone isn't willing or able to stop using a drug that is destroying them and those around them, you have to decide when the point is reached where you can do no more.

I'm sorry if this sounds negative. I don't hate her but I bet 18 years on she still hates me. The fact she is able to maintain hatred for so long should have been a red flag but I was an idiot.

Do you know the last time I saw her she had the cheek to ask me to smurf all of the nearby pharmacies to obtain codeine for her and like an idiot I did - because boy could she do angry.

But you are young and maybe you didn't know that such people exist. They do and they WILL damage you. So maybe you need to be reminded that 24 is still VERY young and there are good people out there. Even I found one.

 

[neversickanymore]

Lost cause. Contact the grandparents yourself and tell them to come get the kids or you’ll call CPS on her. Leave this bitch. Waste of air and space, she should never have had kids and she shouldn’t keep the ones she has.

no ones a lost cause.. well SS kinda looks like one.. but thats an agency.

Sounds like what she is doing is stimulant induced compulsion. Stimulants are a difficult addiction to treat.
Unless she goes into crashes or psychosis, where she can't take care of her children.. id consider all options.

How do you get her off the garbage? Have never used it but.. she is treating something with obviously the wrong thing. Just making her compulsive and sleep deprived.

 

[4DQSAR]

In retrospect I guess I should have been clearer in pointing out her inconsistent behaviors and suggested she might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist. Because I THINK she took stuff because she was unhappy.

But I'm afraid I'm going to have to sort of disagree on one point. Someone may be a lost cause for YOU. Maybe someone else does have the skillset, experience and will to hang in there, but I don't think you can presume you can change someone who doesn't want to change. OK, if YOU are prepared to change and accept the abuse and general mess that the other person is making your life, that's your choice.

But I did not walk out to save her - I walked out because I really had ended up suicidal. So what's the right thing to do? Die and hope THATS a wake up call for someone else? I don't think so.

 

[neversickanymore]

In retrospect I guess I should have been clearer in pointing out her inconsistent behaviors and suggested she might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist. Because I THINK she took stuff because she was unhappy.

But I'm afraid I'm going to have to sort of disagree on one point. Someone may be a lost cause for YOU. Maybe someone else does have the skillset, experience and will to hang in there, but I don't think you can presume you can change someone who doesn't want to change. OK, if YOU are prepared to change and accept the abuse and general mess that the other person is making your life, that's your choice.

But I did not walk out to save her - I walked out because I really had ended up suicidal. So what's the right thing to do? Die and hope THATS a wake up call for someone else? I don't think so.

Right.. and imho totally true. Don't beat yourself up!! You can't let a person struggling with a use disorder take you or yours down or significantly degrade your life. There are allot lines we can draw in life. However "black and white" or bipolar thinking does not work well for everything. Substance use disorders are extremely heartbreaking because often they cause significant unnatural difficulties between really good people that really love each other.

 

[4DQSAR]

Oh, I didn't consciously think 'tomorrow I will leave'. I simply woke and was hit by a wall of hopelessness and dread. I don't think many people would walk out not knowing a single person (I moved 140 miles to be near her place of work), not having a single penny in their pocket or any place to go. I didn't choose to leave, I realized I couldn't STAY.

Soon afterwards I did swallow my entire 28 dey prescription of epilepsy medication (clonazepam). I don't know if it was even pseudosuicide. I was just so tired I needed to sleep for a long time. 3 days later I woke up in a psychiatric unit. Since I had no ID they didn't know who I was so not even the police could have found me. Spend 6 weeks there and was put in a hostel for people suffering mental illness.

That was a long time ago and I am as recovered as I'm ever going to be, but I WAS damaged by that relationship.

Still, live and learn, ay.

 

[deficiT]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, truly it's a tough moral quandary to be in.

Not gonna tl;dr this lol, because it's all related to your situation. I hope you get a chance to read it, and I hope you remember that you are not ever alone in these struggles. I'm assuming you have family and friends that may be willing to be supportive of you, and help you solve these problems, you might just be hesitant to get them involved, which I understand. If you don't, there are communities like this one as well.

Tbh, I would definitely try not to get the authorities involved at all, but if a child is about to be hurt, abused, neglected, I mean, what are you going to do? You gotta take some kind of action I mean, but imo, ppl just involve the police when they don't want to handle shit themselves or stand by any action. And more often than not, it makes everything worse.

Are you the main bread winner in the home? How long have you been together? If so, and you do love her and care About her and the kids, you absolutely need to take *personal* action sooner, rather than later. If you sit on these feelings and don't really say what you need to say, youre just both going to end up hating each other soon enough and the relationships gonna fall apart anyway for one reason or another, and things will be much worse.

You just have to express how serious you're taking this and how worried you are about both her and her kids. Write a very thorough and thoughtful letter on the matter, tweakers will respond to this type of letter/note, and they will read these types of things thoroughly if they feel you are serious Bout them, personality depending. Outline an ACTIONABLE game plan for getting her in to treatment, psychiatry, and therapy. Those are the primary goals here for her becoming a better partner and mother, they do work.

She's not just gonna stop, that much seems clear (she switches up often and never sticks to what she says) unless her comfort (you) is threatened, of there aren't some stakes or consequences. If she has nothing truly productive, novel, or noteworthy in her environment, she's gonna do the same shit. Be the change man, take her out, so something, try to be a good boyfriend (not insinuating that you aren't already doing that, just brainstorming ideas)

To be honest, I don't really hear a child abuse angle here, and people are basically reacting like they always do when it's about kids, *oh let's sweep in with with the police and the government and put the child in foster care because the mom doesn't play Betty Crocker* or whatever. I mean, if the kids aren't even living with her, I assume they live with their father, or there were some past issues. Some illumination on that, may help with context.

So, what, she's kind of self absorbed and tinkers with shit all day instead of being a fully attentive parent 24/7, and doesn't live up to an idealized version of Mother? Do you know how many parents in the world this describes? Do you know how many foster children and wards of the state would kill to have a parent even of this mediocre caliber? CPS and the police are the last shit you want to involve, unless there is active physical or emotional abuse happening, or complete neglect and abandonment, the kids are better off *not* being whisked away into some busted out orphanage or psychotic foster home, where they will likely be abused in a worse way.

If she's not fucked up in an absolute belligerent way 24/7 and being violent or cruel to the children, then, I just don't really think the kids are the issue or that the authorities should ever be involved, it sounds to me like this is more of a personal relationship issue. She's definitely taking you for granted and using you as a crutch to care for her children, that seems true, as well she is lashing out at you primarily, with her paranoia and accusations, and I think she is only going to get worse from here without a genuine. Attempt at recovery and a REAL length of physical sobriety (at least a couple months or so, a LOT can change in that time) and you need to set boundaries strongly, and clearly. More than likely, *she* was the fucked up and abused child, not all that long ago. Onlookers with the benefit of a Monday Morning Quarterback position, sometimes stop giving people the benefit of the doubt, dehumanize them, and write them off as "lost causes" the moment they turn 18 unfortunately. It usually doesn't matter how much abuse or trauma that person faced as a child, once they're old enough they're on their own essentially, and yeah if they haven't become model citizens, well, idk just throw em in jail no one cares anymore, I mean fr that's the shit people say.

To me, it sounds like she needs rehab, therapy, psychiatry, maybe some kind of maintenance would be helpful, and love and support, with respect to your own mental well-being as well the kids. She needs to stop snorting that shit. Try and get her to just ingest it orally, once or twice a day, basic harm reduction techniques are useful here. Drugs present themselves much less harmfully when they are moderated.

But it's more than likely she's dealing with some form of mental illness underlying. Many people with undiagnosed ADHD cope by using much less useful and functional stimulants (whatever they can get their hands on), and when they get legitimate relief from these symptoms with a regulated dosage of a pharmaceutical drug, things improve for them.

And if you care about her and her kids and consider yourself their father, then you need to be the one to step up and help facilitate the structure and boundaries needed here for all of your healing. If its too much for you to handle, then you need to cut your losses and leave, you owe her or her kids nothing, and you shouldn't put yourself through it if she's not contributing anything to your relationship and only causes you pain. I understand that's a really tough call to make when you do love someone. But if you can't be bothered, let's be real, you don't love them, you might love the idea of them or the memories you have with them or etc... but if you can't stand to be around them, it ain't love anymore, and you gotta do what you gotta do.
If the grandmother is just going to overreact and call the cops about abuse that ain't happening, contact the father, or his parents, or her father, etc. cops should be a last resort, and only an option if you believe in your heart of hearts that she is actively abusing those kids or that they are going to come to harm and no one will be there to help.
_________

--- **dis izza lengthy post ** TW for not very graphic description of child abuse in this section, if that should bother anyone **, and I'm sorry if I missed any of the details or context of this story. Full disclosure: I personally was physically abused and neglected as an infant by my own biological mother, and I'm not talking like, she didn't pay attention to me like she beat the shit out of me and gave me broccoli and hard foods before I had teeth when my dad was at work and shit. The only reason I got away from that situation was because my father, had some other family around to support him, and he did what he needed to do and got me away from someone who absolutely is not fit to be a mother and may have killed me, and definitely did permanently fuck me up (to this day we have a very strained relationship). Even after all that man, I cant hate her like that, and I've really tried so hard. But she's just a pretty fucked up individual, who essentially has a mental handicap and dealt with her own trauma

I'm not gonna really get into my entire life story, but yeah, shit didn't exactly get easier from there, and I had an increasingly unstable childhood over time, witnessed two *more* divorces, went to a dozen public schools all over, etc etc etc, eventually my father passed away, and I was properly adopted, and eventually found a measure of stability towards the end of my adolescence.

But it wasn't by ya know, fuckin CPS or foster parents or some random people, it was by actual family (my dad's first wife and her husband)

But, as a result of all this fucked up shit, I have traumas on top of anxieties on top of complexes, on top of rage attacks and emotional outbursts, paranoia, dissociation, I basically am in fight or flight very, very often, and, I mean, really there's no medicine to help this, my brain is actually not normal and has actual damage, from being hurt in developing years, amongst other shit. Namely, I have PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and adhd, which are all very much par for the course for people who've faced childhood abuse and instability. But therapy, meditation, exercise, psychiatry, being productive, learning new things, having people that I love supporting me, and creative expression can all help this shit (these are the things your girlfriend desperately needs!)

-----------------

Ok sorry, really I'm not trying to make this about myself, my hope is that my story will help put things in perspective for you, so you can better make decisions in this really difficult situation. If the situation is even approaching the level of what I just outlined above that happened to me, it's essentially YOUR duty as a father figure to those kids and decent human seeing something fucked up happening, to get them into a better situation, by whatever legal and safe means necessary. When you pass the buck to the government, all sorts of shit can happen to the children, and they may find themselves in even worse situations.

My main point being, if you really don't think she is fit to be a mother and is actively going to hurt those kids, then imo your best bet is to find the people in your gfs orbit that know her children and are considered family or safe. THESE are the people you need to be communicating with and strategizing, not the fucking government, not the law or the cops.

The thing is, parents fail, all the time. In mild to moderate to severe ways. The thing is, just don't overreact man like some people will have you doing. Most people just really ain't been through shit, they idly criticize and judge, and just say shit they think sounds right because it's what they've been told sounds right repeatedly. And of course people love to tell you "What They Would Do If They Were In Your Situation"... It's kinda like daydreaming, I'm guilty of it too.

The moment someone hears a parent ain't living up to some perfect standard, they think calling the fucking law and having the parents thrown in jail is somehow gonna go well for those kids. So be wary of that type of commentary when seeking advice, it's idle, lazy ethically, and if they don't really have the full picture, they can't truly advise you... (Which add a massive asterisk to my own opinions of course) YOU have to use your best judgement.

Tbh you're kinda young man and this is a tough situation to be in, but you're not alone in this. I hope you do whatever research you've needed to do to understand physical and legal custody, the legality of adoption, how etc. all that shit, because that will definitely help you right now.

If their mom is truly out to lunch and you just simply can't deal with this, and have no options, you gotta just do what's right for you and get away, give your girlfriend a chance, but don't take more abuse than you're willing too, because if you do, YOU will be the one passing that abuse on next time. Maybe to your next girlfriend, maybe an animal, maybe your own mom, maybe another child. That's fucked up but that's life and abuse moves in cycles. Get the dad or other family involved Before bailing if that happens, of course.

Sorry this was incredibly roundabout and thorough, wanted to try and touch all bases so my ultimate point and general theme here couldn't be misconstrued, but it usually is anyway so, eh, whatever and hopefully you get more responses from a variety of people that have gone through different shit to help you inform your moves, that's how learning and recovery happens.

I wish you the best with this shit, and my messages are Always open should you ever need a Venti Vent