Awake at 4 AM

SeekingOblivion

SeekingOblivion

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 7, 2025
Messages
303
No surprise. Graveyard shift then 5ish hours of errands and looking after my parents. They didn’t ask to be that way, but not gonna lie it is hard sometimes. Was slamming some kind of gross wine in a can that has higher alcohol content than other wine. Settled them, settled back in my house with my pills. Unfocused. People on podcasts ranting about politics. Fell asleep, day off. Now awake at 4 AM. Thinking of that Leonard Cohen song Famous Blue Raincoat.



And good night folks. My DM is always open to any other fellow insomniacs. X
 
SeekingOblivian said:
No surprise. Graveyard shift then 5ish hours of errands and looking after my parents. They didn’t ask to be that way, but not gonna lie it is hard sometimes. Was slamming some kind of gross wine in a can that has higher alcohol content than other wine. Settled them, settled back in my house with my pills. Unfocused. People on podcasts ranting about politics. Fell asleep, day off. Now awake at 4 AM. Thinking of that Leonard Cohen song Famous Blue Raincoat.



And good night folks. My DM is always open to any other fellow insomniacs. X
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Good song 💜
Big hug from a fellow insomniac
 
SeekingOblivian said:
It’s always off. It’s never right.
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I feel your struggle. Trust me when I say that people that don’t go thru it hard to explain just how much it sucks. I mean some nights it’s bipolar disorder and sure I have energy but I may be a little paranoid and uncomfortable and then when that’s not it it’s pleasant dreams ya dig

you may not have that but hell you have a lot of responsibilities it sounds like. Sometimes just that keeps me up. Mind won’t shut up.

I will say it’s nice seeing others are up but not when it’s because of lack of choice. Hope things get easier
 
Juicewrldfan said:
I feel your struggle. Trust me when I say that people that don’t go thru it hard to explain just how much it sucks. I mean some nights it’s bipolar disorder and sure I have energy but I may be a little paranoid and uncomfortable and then when that’s not it it’s pleasant dreams ya dig

you may not have that but hell you have a lot of responsibilities it sounds like. Sometimes just that keeps me up. Mind won’t shut up.

I will say it’s nice seeing others are up but not when it’s because of lack of choice. Hope things get easier
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I really appreciate your kind words. Different things keep people up at night, but in general none of those things are good. Though sometimes it’s so peaceful too, a great time to be creative, indulge in shows and movies. When I was little (looong time ago), I used to love staying up at night because the days, the bullying and family dysfunction was just so shitty. But nights were a magical time of books and movies and peaceful thoughts. I think avoiding the trauma of day life is what set me on track to a life of nights. But even as a kid I knew I would be in love with any drug that would allow me sleep through the day. Mostly I am grateful for my life now… but the loneliness does creep in during these quiet hours. Do you feel your bipolar gives you any night time bursts of creativity?
 
Night off. Dodged shitty many phone calls, laid some tentative plans for the future that may or may not pan out financially/professionally. There does come a time when your horizon is narrower to the extent that you can only wiggle the variables in small ways, so I don’t harbor extravagant hopes. It’s peaceful here at the back of my house. I cleaned out the closet under the stairs, where I have gel mat and bedding and battery lamp. Only my dog knows about this hiding place and no one will look for me since everyone I am responsible for has had their needs. If nothing bad happens tonight, it’s a good night. My dog is with me. I have a book called Of Lizards and Angels.
 
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SeekingOblivian said:
I’ve lived in my house 4 years and my neighbor never saw me. The other day he asked if I worked there (in my house). I said “sometimes.”
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I understand, in a little bit of a different way. I had to escape a really bad situation a while ago (like really bad) & when I tried to escape my ex tried to murder me and nearly did. After that he began stalking me, like really intensely. I had to move a bunch of times and basically had to become a ghost as well. I’m still trying to work it out (as far as coming out of being a ghost, if that makes any sense).

Anyways you have my empathy. I know you have a goal to move somewhere really pretty and peaceful looking and I hope you get there. This is just a step in your journey amiga.

*hope it’s okay I told you a little piece of my story
 
AngelsandFairiesarereal said:
I understand, in a little bit of a different way. I had to escape a really bad situation a while ago (like really bad) & when I tried to escape my ex tried to murder me and nearly did. After that he began stalking me, like really intensely. I had to move a bunch of times and basically had to become a ghost as well. I’m still trying to work it out (as far as coming out of being a ghost, if that makes any sense).

Anyways you have my empathy. I know you have a goal to move somewhere really pretty and peaceful looking and I hope you get there. This is just a step in your journey amiga.

*hope it’s okay I told you a little piece of my story
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. Always feel free to share. I am so glad you got away from this evil person.
 
Got off work relatively on time after moderate toxic vibes from oncoming first shift. Felt horrible pressure in my chest all night as I waned to relieve my feelings of dread with substances, but I did not so as to get through my work and commute without being impaired. Long commute with podcasters angry about politics. Grocery store for things my parents need. I got to my parents’ driveway and downed an airplane vodka in their garage. Anesthetized to the whole situation. Relief. Went in full of good cheer and laden with breakfast and treats. Walked dad, cleaned kitchen, set out lunch, organized his meds, cleaned their cat boxes. Noted dad also pisses on the floor next to his toilet. Job saved for another day, sorry dad. Took out many bags of trash. Waved goodbye, off to my own home in a neighborhood full of identical homes. Slept fitfully under my stairs with my dog popping in and out from his little door. Alcohol disrupts sleep. Not enough pills. Fresh script and of oblivion pills tomorrow. I don’t begrudge anyone anything. I think I have to do this for my parents though. My heart is somewhere else. I’ve noticed people have a bad reaction to me lately. Good thing I work nights. I am always afraid I’ll lose that too.
 
A little reflection. I grew up in a mainly good home, though we didn’t have a lot of stuff that other people did. Later both my parents became handicapped from different diseases. Then things were difficult. I remember not understanding why people made fun of me for smelling bad at school. I literally didn’t understand that other people had fresh underwear daily. I thought fresh meant turning them inside out. I had lice and fleas a lot and got sent home. It’s on ok to laugh now because it’s the past. The upside now though is that I really appreciate everything. Brush, floss, mouthwash, and I think how nice it feels to have a clean mouth and how good each product is. I always smell my soap as I shower (nothing fancy, just a body wash from Walmart) and think it is luxurious. I always appreciate wearing clean everything and having clean sheets, and the nice smell of detergent. Small things. I wonder if other people feel that way.
 
Agoraphobia should be considered adaptive vs maladaptive. Every time I leave my house I just get monkey shit on me. What good things happen when you leave the house? In a cost benefit analysis, staying home wins every damn time. If by some magic I ever won the lottery or actually live into a comfortable retirement, I wouldn’t change anything but the necessity of leaving my house for work.
 
5:20 AM. Fully in a reverse schedule. There’s a stray orange cat who comes around in a he evenings sometimes. Magical, Cheshire Cat. I am trying to get her inside. I know she’s not feral. Every day that I see her is a good day, so I am sure that she is a bit charmed. My neighbors were annoyed because I strew the edge of the woods with sardines to lure her to my yard and the street stunk for a day or two. But it worked.

I feel like I could be happy if my doctor would only give me 2 mg/klon. 1 is so measly. I never had cravings or insomnia on 2, which was years ago during the happy days when you could get anything. Legally. If only I could get back to it without spooking him out. Benzos have become so stigmatized that I am not sure we’ll ever get back to anything sane.
 
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I would like to just stealth move into my office and end the stress of commuting etc. However, I love my dogs too much to do that.
 
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