@shreddedlettuce you're too kind man. I tend to feel like I don't know nothin' about nothin' in this world, so it's always refreshing to hear.
@Alfonso_Camarga it will be less confusing for you to simply look at your "total Benzodiazepine intake" as opposed to say, how much Clonazepam or Diazepam or Alprazolam that you're taking. There are of course differences between them, but for your and my purposes, these differences represent superfluous information at this point.
10mg Diazepam (Valium) = 0.5mg Clonazepam [Clonazepam (Klonopin-USA; Rivotril-International)] = 0.5mg Alprazolam (Xanax)
I would go ahead and memorize these factors. It’s just helpful to know these things off-hand when your life is so affected by them. Diazepam is a little funky. Certain people with genetic differences will experience a more potent effect from Diazepam. Shooting from the hip, I’m going to say that these people experience ~2x this potency.
Anyway, now down to the nitty gritty.
Usually, I watch people attempt tapers/sobriety on their own once or twice before I butt in with my bullshit. What I’m going to tell you is that you are more than likely going to need outside help to make this work the way you need it to.
A real Alcoholic, like myself, can easily tell you why an Alcoholic can never “control their drinking”. You see, Alcohol inherently weakens a person’s willpower. One drink makes a second drink very likely and a third drink leaves you totally off to the races. It’s a cool idea; grabbing the bull by the horns and being the master of your own destiny, but it’s not realistic.
Benzodiazepines are no different really. I think it’s unrealistic in general for an addict to have access to their own supply when trying to taper. Nine times out of ten, they are going to mess it up. It’s okay though. This only means that you’re a human being.
What you need is to give up control.
I’m not sure who you have in your life that can help you with this. It has been different people for me at different times. My Mother has, for instance, had control of my prescribed medications. When I started taking Lisdexamfetamine (Vyvanse) for instance. I went into it with good intentions wanting to honestly take the medicine as prescribed. So, I didn’t take the chance at had my mom hold onto it for the first three months. Once I knew I could handle it, I took it back.
I was and still am heavily involved in 12-step recovery. I’ve had multiple sponsors hold my Methadone for me when I needed that. Your brain will scream at you not to relinquish control. Just take it from this junkie, giving up the control gives you freedom. You’re no longer spending hours staring at your medicine bottle, wondering if you should take more, could you take more, what would happen if you did? On, and on and on.
Free your mind by knowing that you have no control, so you might as well just think about something else.
Is there anybody in your life that you would trust with this? If not, you are going to need to look into something like a 5-7 day medical detox. I know you’ve only been doing this for a few months. I don’t want to cause alarm. However, I also know that hindsight is 20/20 and I don’t want you to be rereading this 10 years from now wishing you had made the move.
Tell me the plan and we will go from there. We will still back you even if you try tapering yourself again. I have little confidence in you doing it successfully on your own.
Benzodiazepine dependence starts small at about 2 weeks. This might lead to 24-36 hours of mild discomfort/anxiety. After a month, this might be 72 hours. Now, after 3 months is when you start getting into fucked up territory. This is make or break time in which you can still break away unscathed or continue. After about 6 months, with an assumed increase in dosage/frequency, things begin to calcify.
Once you’re in it with Benzodiazepines, it is not an easy thing to break free from. It does get worse. The longer you spend on them, the more they will take from you and the harder it will be to get off. I’ve seen Benzodiazepines hollow people out, body and mind.
Make the right decision now. Stop fucking around and pick a path out of this using outside help, including us here who will always support you.
