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Mental Health Coming off Invega/Xeplion (paliperidone) injections v. 9

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Flynnal said:
Some perspective: I have very little sex drive since my brain operation. I also still have some degree of hearing problems due to a different problem - the one that had me punching myself in the head because it just kept happening and each time more damage set in.

I wish I had this problem coming off Invega because I know it is temporary.

I have autoimmune Menieres, and no, I can't wait a couple of years for it to magically get better because it won't. In short I am fucked and I know it. Not just because I know what this does, but also because doctors don't even want to fucking help. They give referrals and you have to hope for the best. One more episode and I'm unaliving myself. I'm going to have a talk with my parents because they need to know what is about to happen, they think I'm putting an act on, they have absolutely no idea they're about to lose there son. It could happen in 6 months, it could happen next week, could even happen tomorrow, but I've already set a plan in place, and that's it. I'm following through with it.

Some perspective. What most TAP and AAP withdrawal is, is a temporary problem, I've been there and had to withdraw from it. I thought my life was over. Then I had barbiturates (amylobarbitone 150mg+ per day for almost 6 weeks), and then swiftly thrown off it, and I was a mess for nearly a year and then had to go on Remeron and was on that for almost 20 years trying to break free from that chemical slavery (insomnia).

...And then my ears started getting systematically fucked by whatever the fuck this thing is. Doctors won't give me methotrexate or blood thinners, to combat literally the only two fucking things that this could be caused by - autoimmune or vascular "microclots". I mean fucking shit I don't even want to think about this because I know where this is headed for another breakdown.

I WISH I was only dealing with TAP or AAP withdrawal. I WISH. That would be a walk in the park because I know that is survivable if you are a musician.

But what I have...let's just say Dignitas..."for example, a musician who has gone deaf"...well, whadda ya fucken know? They even spell it out in black and white on a Dignitas paperwork when I got it in 2003. I mean, they knew then that people had valid reasons for unaliving themselves...I wonder if their position has changed? I bet London to a penny that it hasn't.
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I'm sorry man. I'm a musician too, that sounds really awful. I have tinnitus which by itself drives me nuts
 
stolensoul said:
I'm sorry man. I'm a musician too, that sounds really awful. I have tinnitus which by itself drives me nuts
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Tinnitus is one of the worst things a human can endure especially if it's loud. Mine was initially loud but it died down to a tolerable level after hitting it with steroids...but doing this multiple times has done a number on my physical health. I was warned steroids had nasty side effects and thought it was related to blood sugar or mood swings. Little did I realise they can also cause bone necrosis, which means the bone literally fails to maintain structure and integrity and then crumbles. I don't have that, but I have to get a DEXA scan and test for my adrenals, and have to travel a relatively long distance for that test which involves getting injected with some bizarre hormone and getting tests taken twice, once after 30 minutes and then after an hour. This is what untreated AIED does to you. You get episodes where an ear blows up and you have to hit it with huge doses of prednisone, which is terrible for your body. If it was methotrexate this might have gotten it under control and stopped this shit from progressing, and if it was caused by clotting (which can only be seen by a microscope) then I'm sure low dose blood thinners might have helped. But nope, the steroids helped the major episodes, that is, until I had small episodes that clocked up damage long term. It is these episodes that really screwed me up, the ones I didn't treat because I thought they were mild and would sort themselves out. They didn't. They did irreversible damage. Something the methotrexate and blood thinners would have likely prevented, but because I couldn't get these drugs, or wasn't tested for AIED, I'm now screwed for life, and already have damage I consider to be serious enough to end my own life over, at least as far as I care...but I set a boundary and that is one more serious episode and that's the end of all this. I'll give my sisters access to my account on here and they can post, or they can point to a facebook account with one of the moderators, and set my record straight that I'd be gone and that there would be no denying it or any controversy, I'd be dead as a doornail. I honestly am starting to hate my life, even though I want to live as long as possible. I'm giving myself another 2 years to sort this out, and if it doesn't, then I'm considering EOL options anyway...even if I have no further episodes. I'm already in significant nerve pain and I know it's nerve pain...likely caused by the above two problems. The hydrocephalus could have caused it but perhaps it was a separate problem...it is possible that the hydrocephalus caused compression of delicate structures within the brain where nerves and blood vessels were travelling and this may have caused some of the mayhem...but it's been 3 weeks post op and I'm still getting SBUTTs...

And what is so tragic is I know, I know what's behind these and I know where this is heading. It's sad and pathetic that I can't treat this...but I know I won't and it'll be too late and I'll be dead and gone. Just like that. Humans. Powerful humans. Fucking hell. Why can't they just check their fucking egos and let the patient decide and give them some leeway for fucks sake. Give them a sliver of control. Ah nope. They get angry when I suggest the problem needs blood thinners to treat it. When I mention methotrexate they say it's poison and that a specialist would be best to handle that. As if prednisone isn't fucking dangerous? I mean, seriously? Methotrexate is MUCH safer than the steroids long term. I know people who take that stuff. Oh, it's used to induce medical abortions? Um, big deal. So are other drugs, and we have these things called curettes...I don't understand what the problem is. Abortion is 100% legal in most of Australia, and it is 100% legal where I live in NSW...what's the issue with prescribing methotrexate to a 45 year old male? It's not like I am living with anyone else, it's not like I'm going to harm anyone else. I'm just trying to stop my hearing (and consequently my mental health) from degenerating into a situation where I'm left with no option but to take myself out permanently.

Tinnitus sucks...but distorted hearing might even be worse, especially if it involves reactive tinnitus where every sound causes your ears to ring louder and louder...that's what my tinnitus is like, and it's always like that. It was much worse, but hitting it with steroids effectively brought it to a level where I wasn't considering EOL.
 
i had the loudest tinnitus in the universe after an ear infection few weeks ago. It was the most horrible experience ever. Having that constant loud sound in my ear that overpowered every other sound was so annoying. Thank god few weeks later the sound died down alot. It went from 100% to like 5% i barley notice it now but at night i can still hear it.
 
i also got 2 abilify shots and am fine though...no side effects other than perhaps maybe the sex drive as correlated. not sure how muhc longer I will have to wait for the sex drive to come back
 
Robchanna said:
i also got 2 abilify shots and am fine though...no side effects other than perhaps maybe the sex drive as correlated. not sure how muhc longer I will have to wait for the sex drive to come back
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When did you get abilify?
 
Today I searched for km. The ways of doing it without pain, or services that help me km.

Not that I want to do it now, thinking about future while impacted by invega gives me so much anxiety and pain and almost suffocates me.

I know I am improving a lot from invega and I am not considering death but just knowing that I choose to do it gave me some relief.

I was never a guy like this to search up such things but I lost everything from one time psychosis and invega injection which made me drop out university that I almost finished.

I am so confused with my life about what to do when I recover from this invega.

I hope this negativity is coming from invega not from me.

I am so paranoid about my future.

Does anyone have similar paranoid?
 
wbga said:
Today I searched for km. The ways of doing it without pain, or services that help me km.

Not that I want to do it now, thinking about future while impacted by invega gives me so much anxiety and pain and almost suffocates me.

I know I am improving a lot from invega and I am not considering death but just knowing that I choose to do it gave me some relief.

I was never a guy like this to search up such things but I lost everything from one time psychosis and invega injection which made me drop out university that I almost finished.

I am so confused with my life about what to do when I recover from this invega.

I hope this negativity is coming from invega not from me.

I am so paranoid about my future.

Does anyone have similar paranoid?
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Yeah my personal situation isn't too great right now either, but I try to only consider the short term and survival right now rather than the big picture. That stuff can come later when I've recovered and can use my brain properly
 
wbga said:
Today I searched for km. The ways of doing it without pain, or services that help me km.

Not that I want to do it now, thinking about future while impacted by invega gives me so much anxiety and pain and almost suffocates me.

I know I am improving a lot from invega and I am not considering death but just knowing that I choose to do it gave me some relief.

I was never a guy like this to search up such things but I lost everything from one time psychosis and invega injection which made me drop out university that I almost finished.

I am so confused with my life about what to do when I recover from this invega.

I hope this negativity is coming from invega not from me.

I am so paranoid about my future.

Does anyone have similar paranoid?
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Please wait two years before taking such a drastic measure.

It was really hard for me in the beginning, especially after I got hit by PSSD on top of invega. I didn't care about anything and it's like I wasn't even here. I was just a body with no feeling other than "survival distress". But now I don't want to kill myself every day, even though I'm not completely recovered. It gets easier, I promise.

I have a complete sense of curiosity back, I find myself clicking on interesting links I see when browsing social media and YouTube a lot more and sending inquiries to search engines. That is a trait that I valued in myself and others and I was so angry that it was gone. I felt like a stupid little self-important idiot without it. I'm pleased that I can describe myself as "curious" again. Regaining your interest feels really good, that alone makes me want to live.
 
InvegaAnon said:
Please wait two years before taking such a drastic measure.

It was really hard for me in the beginning, especially after I got hit by PSSD on top of invega. I didn't care about anything and it's like I wasn't even here. I was just a body with no feeling other than "survival distress". But now I don't want to kill myself every day, even though I'm not completely recovered. It gets easier, I promise.

I have a complete sense of curiosity back, I find myself clicking on interesting links I see when browsing social media and YouTube a lot more and sending inquiries to search engines. That is a trait that I valued in myself and others and I was so angry that it was gone. I felt like a stupid little self-important idiot without it. I'm pleased that I can describe myself as "curious" again. Regaining your interest feels really good, that alone makes me want to live.
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Did you quit all the medicine?

if so, when did you quit all the medicine? when is the last time you got the shot?
 
Every time I notice something has been repaired I hear "Component repaired" from my imagination, like the exosuit voice in No Man's Sky. It said that whenever you fix something.
 
InvegaFreak1 said:
Do any of you watch porn to help with sexual side effects?
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Yes. It's funny because I wasn't a big porn person before, and even now I just have my one favorite couple and I like them for their uh... skills. Some people think you should avoid it while recovering so you don't become dependent on it though. I'm not sure if that's true. It helps my low libido a lot and it made the "maintenance sessions" I did early on easier.
 
InvegaFreak1 said:
Do any of you watch porn to help with sexual side effects?
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I try but it just feels like hole and a stick trying to make baby. Father and mother. I don’t feel that sexy, beautiful, I want to do it etc feeling from it.

It is slightly coming back of course but still it is not that great like before.
 
My emotional blunting is still pretty bad actually, I guess. I don't feel anything about Trump winning. Last time I cried and I could barely get through my college courses.
 
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