Relapse Cocaine Again

[skipjames]

Hi,
as you might have heard , we had a crazy flood down here; deaths, destruction people loosing their houses and shit. The coke situation here at home reached a point of no return to the point that O ve contacted my missus shrinks and we ve been good boys for almost a month.
We could have continued but...I ve fucked. I ve fucked up BIG time. And I did because I don t mind or the recreational effects of this BS at all, but I ve spent a month....doing the minimum ( I still had my opioids, that are usually helpful) but...nothing. Unable to play music . Unable to write. I ve a a book to write and...nothing. Articles to write: nothing.

But once I ve mix blow with morph or oxys,,,, in like 4 days I v written half of my book, I ve an article that s almost finished, so sad but true, I need this shit to work. But this shite can t be around my wife, and even if I wait til she goes out etc, she figures out that there s shit in the house and the shitshow starts again. If I don t write, we don t eat. If I don t snort, I dont write. If I snort, she will too
So from a side I feel guilty, cos I m just an egoist cunt, from a side ( God forgive me ) I m pissed cos I can t work because she can t handle her shit, then the very fact that I ve thought something so horrendous makes me feel like the shittiest man on the Planet, so really, what the fuck should I do?

I ve managed to help her going out with some girlfriends ( she needs this, her life cannot be a spinoff of mine) , I really don t want to fuck her up but it s a publish or perish world, my writing adn my music are important to me and the writig thing puts food on the table, , and I use blow as an instrument to meet deadlines. , not to fuck around let alone to have psychosis about our cats,
What to do? rent a place and hide myself there with blow until Ive finished my work?I feel guilty, pissed, I just wanna work in peace and fast and as good as I know I can if I have that something ( also, I m writing this book in Portuguese, which is not even my second but my third language, cn u imagine how hardit is? )

So sorry for...everything ad or nothing I guess, let s go back to writing while she s sleeping....I know it sucks having to rely on this shit to work, but if the alternative is staring at the wall , I d rather have a two days coke binge and some work done

 

[cdin]

Hi,
as you might have heard , we had a crazy flood down here; deaths, destruction people loosing their houses and shit. The coke situation here at home reached a point of no return to the point that O ve contacted my missus shrinks and we ve been good boys for almost a month.
We could have continued but...I ve fucked. I ve fucked up BIG time. And I did because I don t mind or the recreational effects of this BS at all, but I ve spent a month....doing the minimum ( I still had my opioids, that are usually helpful) but...nothing. Unable to play music . Unable to write. I ve a a book to write and...nothing. Articles to write: nothing.

But once I ve mix blow with morph or oxys,,,, in like 4 days I v written half of my book, I ve an article that s almost finished, so sad but true, I need this shit to work. But this shite can t be around my wife, and even if I wait til she goes out etc, she figures out that there s shit in the house and the shitshow starts again. If I don t write, we don t eat. If I don t snort, I dont write. If I snort, she will too
So from a side I feel guilty, cos I m just an egoist cunt, from a side ( God forgive me ) I m pissed cos I can t work because she can t handle her shit, then the very fact that I ve thought something so horrendous makes me feel like the shittiest man on the Planet, so really, what the fuck should I do?

I ve managed to help her going out with some girlfriends ( she needs this, her life cannot be a spinoff of mine) , I really don t want to fuck her up but it s a publish or perish world, my writing adn my music are important to me and the writig thing puts food on the table, , and I use blow as an instrument to meet deadlines. , not to fuck around let alone to have psychosis about our cats,
What to do? rent a place and hide myself there with blow until Ive finished my work?I feel guilty, pissed, I just wanna work in peace and fast and as good as I know I can if I have that something ( also, I m writing this book in Portuguese, which is not even my second but my third language, cn u imagine how hardit is? )

So sorry for...everything ad or nothing I guess, let s go back to writing while she s sleeping....I know it sucks having to rely on this shit to work, but if the alternative is staring at the wall , I d rather have a two days coke binge and some work done

hey so - im a musician and artist that has struggled w this shit for decades. ime - being on daily opioids destroys my production/results in anhedonia over time. Adding stims sure can break through -- at the same time skyrocketing my ope tolerance and making everything else worse.
The far better thing (in my experience) is to lessen the opioids so my executive function and feelings return, and use my own energy to do it. adding blow or other stims works - for a minute - but quickly becomes a very double edged sword that makes my situation worse.
I know it's a struggle. For myself as i age especially, getting more sober is the more sustainable option than leaning into opioid sedation and adding stims, that quickly gets very messy and then when i have tolerance to both, im just a mess and the anhedonia returns.

 

[gordonliddy]

What to do? rent a place and hide myself there with blow until Ive finished my work?

Hello, Brother! Glad that you popped in. We are here for you.

I don't understand marriage and I am bad at relationships. So unfortunately I don't have much advice to give you.

And I like the idea of holing up somewhere that you can get your work done. The idea has potential.

But I'll tell you one thing? I think after a while she will figure it out. It's not a long term solution. But it's possibly a good short-term or medium-term solution.

 

[someguyontheinternet]

Do other stimulants help? Amphetamine or methylphenidate?

 

[Heroes Inc.]

Methylphenidate for me keeps the blow cravings at bay. Constant battle switching between Bupe and Oxys. Stimulants are tricky, but I feel way better about myself staying away from Brittany (that while girl).

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Sounds like you need to keep off it for long enough that your creativity begins to flow without it

It's difficult for me to imagine it tbh, because I find coke just too euphoric and messy for any kind of productivity or focus - it's aways been about the party for me but ymmv as always

It also sounds like your subconscious could be getting onboard with your addiction to create the scenario where you 'have' to use again. You're a bright guy and also iirc not a youngster - you know as well as I do that cocaine is not a sustainable drug in the longterm

 

[Jnowhere]

Hi,
as you might have heard , we had a crazy flood down here; deaths, destruction people loosing their houses and shit. The coke situation here at home reached a point of no return to the point that O ve contacted my missus shrinks and we ve been good boys for almost a month.
We could have continued but...I ve fucked. I ve fucked up BIG time. And I did because I don t mind or the recreational effects of this BS at all, but I ve spent a month....doing the minimum ( I still had my opioids, that are usually helpful) but...nothing. Unable to play music . Unable to write. I ve a a book to write and...nothing. Articles to write: nothing.

But once I ve mix blow with morph or oxys,,,, in like 4 days I v written half of my book, I ve an article that s almost finished, so sad but true, I need this shit to work. But this shite can t be around my wife, and even if I wait til she goes out etc, she figures out that there s shit in the house and the shitshow starts again. If I don t write, we don t eat. If I don t snort, I dont write. If I snort, she will too
So from a side I feel guilty, cos I m just an egoist cunt, from a side ( God forgive me ) I m pissed cos I can t work because she can t handle her shit, then the very fact that I ve thought something so horrendous makes me feel like the shittiest man on the Planet, so really, what the fuck should I do?

I ve managed to help her going out with some girlfriends ( she needs this, her life cannot be a spinoff of mine) , I really don t want to fuck her up but it s a publish or perish world, my writing adn my music are important to me and the writig thing puts food on the table, , and I use blow as an instrument to meet deadlines. , not to fuck around let alone to have psychosis about our cats,
What to do? rent a place and hide myself there with blow until Ive finished my work?I feel guilty, pissed, I just wanna work in peace and fast and as good as I know I can if I have that something ( also, I m writing this book in Portuguese, which is not even my second but my third language, cn u imagine how hardit is? )

So sorry for...everything ad or nothing I guess, let s go back to writing while she s sleeping....I know it sucks having to rely on this shit to work, but if the alternative is staring at the wall , I d rather have a two days coke binge and some work done

Can you do it discreetly, I ain't in to coke so I don't know. Pill popping is easy.
But I like downers And long term they make you lazy. Coke is of course an upper. I don't know much about coke, also what is your book about?

 

[skipjames]

@someguyontheinternet & @Heroes Inc. hi guys and nope, I ve tried to pop some of her Ritalins to no avail- other stims just make me anxious , to me is either coke + opioids or nothing . Thing is , I don t really CRAVE blow ,like I ve been two days ff the thing ad I could continue indefinitely BUT......as long as I don t have to do anything remotely challenging

@cdin u might have a point, maybe is not the lack of coke but is the daily use of opiods tht s to blame for the lack of crativity? It make sense, but man if without blow I can still "function ", without opis especially at this time of the year ( end of semester, deadlines approaching and shit) I llo be unable even to do the basic stuff...I definitely need to take some time off from all this BS but you know how it is...

But I like downers And long term they make you lazy. Coke is of course an upper. I don't know much about coke, also what is your book about?

I like downers more, I add blow just to get things done. And nope, my lady has like a spider sense when it comes to blow . Ah the book is an introduction to Philosophy of religion .....

 

[someguyontheinternet]

The serotonergic activity of cocaine can help reduce anxiety

Do you know if you have ADHD?

 

[skipjames]

Sounds like you need to keep off it for long enough that your creativity begins to flow without it

It's difficult for me to imagine it tbh, because I find coke just too euphoric and messy for any kind of productivity or focus - it's aways been about the party for me but ymmv as always

It also sounds like your subconscious could be getting onboard with your addiction to create the scenario where you 'have' to use again. You're a bright guy and also iirc not a youngster - you know as well as I do that cocaine is not a sustainable drug in the longterm

cheers man and yeah, I ve learned the hard way that is not a sustainable drug long term, my thing are opioids ( not that sustainable either but stil....) the idea is to use blow when I I, for instance , need to meet a deadline or I m playing music . But yeah, if I NEED blow to write then I ll need blow to prepare a class then to give a class than to wake up to go to class , I vee been there already so who am I fooling? fucked up.....

 

[skipjames]

Hello, Brother! Glad that you popped in. We are here for you.

I don't understand marriage and I am bad at relationships. So unfortunately I don't have much advice to give you.

And I like the idea of holing up somewhere that you can get your work done. The idea has potential.

But I'll tell you one thing? I think after a while she will figure it out. It's not a long term solution. But it's possibly a good short-term or medium-term solution.

cheers mate, actually at the peak of the self loathing I was , "I ve also let @gordonliddy down, shame on me! MAn is fucked, but yeah maybe as a short term solution for this freaking book I can try the "holing up somewhere "route. She already knows that I m likely to use blow when she s not around, the idea is not to use when she is around, which is kinda a reasonable request.

The world we live in, a God fearing hardworking man has not even the right to use hard drugs in his own house anymore.....

 

[Jnowhere]

@someguyontheinternet & @Heroes Inc. hi guys and nope, I ve tried to pop some of her Ritalins to no avail- other stims just make me anxious , to me is either coke + opioids or nothing . Thing is , I don t really CRAVE blow ,like I ve been two days ff the thing ad I could continue indefinitely BUT......as long as I don t have to do anything remotely challenging

@cdin u might have a point, maybe is not the lack of coke but is the daily use of opiods tht s to blame for the lack of crativity? It make sense, but man if without blow I can still "function ", without opis especially at this time of the year ( end of semester, deadlines approaching and shit) I llo be unable even to do the basic stuff...I definitely need to take some time off from all this BS but you know how it is...

I like downers more, I add blow just to get things done. And nope, my lady has like a spider sense when it comes to blow . Ah the book is an introduction to Philosophy of religion .....

Yeah, opiods can make a person lazy, oxycodone and for years also morphine( prescribed) but I just stopped the morphine when my pain got more manageable. Alcohol is my drug of choice, but I am literally allergic to it now. It was the only drug besides nicotine, that I have ever craved.

 

[cdin]

@someguyontheinternet & @Heroes Inc. hi guys and nope, I ve tried to pop some of her Ritalins to no avail- other stims just make me anxious , to me is either coke + opioids or nothing . Thing is , I don t really CRAVE blow ,like I ve been two days ff the thing ad I could continue indefinitely BUT......as long as I don t have to do anything remotely challenging

@cdin u might have a point, maybe is not the lack of coke but is the daily use of opiods tht s to blame for the lack of crativity? It make sense, but man if without blow I can still "function ", without opis especially at this time of the year ( end of semester, deadlines approaching and shit) I llo be unable even to do the basic stuff...I definitely need to take some time off from all this BS but you know how it is...

I like downers more, I add blow just to get things done. And nope, my lady has like a spider sense when it comes to blow . Ah the book is an introduction to Philosophy of religion .....

o without a doubt daily opioids crushes creativity. ask me, william s burroughs, any of the famous junkie jazz musicians -- none of us work w daily opioid habits. i get spurts of creativity between dope habits, which burroughs mentions as well. it's a killer for creativity.

 

[skipjames]

it's a killer for creativity.

what works better for me is the combo, oxys and blow, I get the best of two worlds so to say. Oxys at least gave me the strength to do the boring stuff associated with teaching ( marking, making slides etc) .

which burroughs mentions as well

So he was lying when he said that he cannot remember writing The Naked Lunch because he was waste all the time ?

 

[Jnowhere]

I have a copy but was disgusted and didn't Finnish it. Can't find my copy of Junky, I am pissed about that

 

[skipjames]

Perhaps, although I favor the possibility that Naked Lunch is case-in-point. The book highlights his lack of creativity. You and I would never have heard of the book if it weren't banned. The book is shocking without being controversial.

I think it sucks balls. I only like his first book, Junky, . Tell me an actual story or fuck off!

 

[skipjames]

I have a but copy was disgusted and didn't Finnish it. Can't find my copy of Junky, I am pissed about that

Junky is cool, as a "proper book " but also for "historical reason". That 30´s slang of theirs though.....

 

[skipjames]

The serotonergic activity of cocaine can help reduce anxiety

Do you know if you have ADHD?

I despise shrinks so I ve never been diagnosed s such, but I ve been told but MANY people that I might.....

 

[Jnowhere]

Like I said Junky is great, his first book he wrote. In 1951, after he shot and killed Jane Voller in Mexico, conflicting reports on her death. She was his common law wife

 

[skipjames]

Like I said Junky is great, his first book he wrote. In 1951, after he shot and killed Jane Voller in Mexico, conflicting reports on her death. She was his common law wife

I like his sense of style, in Drugstore Cowboy he was great as a junkie priest ( obviously that character resonated with me) and even his project with Kurt Cobain is cool