Feeling angry and lonely

Puff

Puff

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 11, 2022
Messages
130
Why since my childhood I take the double of time to finish a task compared to people? So angry because my low self stem, insecurity, introspection and lack of initiative are damaging my career and finances (and other areas).
So angry for sending CVs (even for jobs with no experience is required) and not get a job interview. So confused with my next steps... I have dreams, but pay my debts comes first. My money is just for debts.
Feeling confused for my lack of knowledge of my strengths, just my failures and weaknesses. Desperate for being slow on a deadline.
I hate myself for not being organized and listen to my mother's voice punishing me for trying all the methods to improve and not work.
I hate myself because dad told me I was difficult in my childhood so my decision is to obey and be the child who without problem.
I hate myself for my lack of discernment between the mask and my true self.
Why my insecurity and hyper independence makes so hard to communicate and ask for help?
I'm sad for not being and feel validated for those I love about my autism diagnosis... I'm not using to weaponize my mistakes. My goal is take accountability and improve.
Is so hard to doubt about yourself, your guts, observations and thoughts 💭
I'm tired.
I hate my hard times to change my mind in some belifes about myself.
I just want to understand my brain, know who I am and be myself... Whateaver this person is .
And achieve financial independence.
Have a plan. But now is a moment if weakness and hopeleness.
 
Puff said:
Why since my childhood I take the double of time to finish a task compared to people? So angry because my low self stem, insecurity, introspection and lack of initiative are damaging my career and finances (and other areas).
So angry for sending CVs (even for jobs with no experience is required) and not get a job interview. So confused with my next steps... I have dreams, but pay my debts comes first. My money is just for debts.
Feeling confused for my lack of knowledge of my strengths, just my failures and weaknesses. Desperate for being slow on a deadline.
I hate myself for not being organized and listen to my mother's voice punishing me for trying all the methods to improve and not work.
I hate myself because dad told me I was difficult in my childhood so my decision is to obey and be the child who without problem.
I hate myself for my lack of discernment between the mask and my true self.
Why my insecurity and hyper independence makes so hard to communicate and ask for help?
I'm sad for not being and feel validated for those I love about my autism diagnosis... I'm not using to weaponize my mistakes. My goal is take accountability and improve.
Is so hard to doubt about yourself, your guts, observations and thoughts 💭
I'm tired.
I hate my hard times to change my mind in some belifes about myself.
I just want to understand my brain, know who I am and be myself... Whateaver this person is .
And achieve financial independence.
Have a plan. But now is a moment if weakness and hopeleness.
Click to expand...
Wow. It takes ALOT of strength to first recognise your inadequacies but how much more to publicly share them? The thing is, just about everything you have stated is the same laundry list that almost all humans have. With them though, they lack the ability to articulate them, and then to share them. I am sure others have told you not to be so hard on yourself. You really should not.

On CVs, have you also followed up about whether or not they have red it and what openings might open up in the near future? On your mum, have you spoken openly to her about your relationship with her? On debt, join the club. It is something that almost all humans shoulder. One big thing is to live in the moment. As we are living it we almost never realise how great things are in the present. All humans do it. As we get older time starts moving faster evermore. A year at 20 is a day at 50 & I have certainly felt as much. Alot of what you wrote has made a deep impression upon me. It is helping me to remember that even in my youth I had these same feelings. We tend to idealise the past. I surely do. Life is never ideal.
 
About the CVs, after I finish my master my goal is to use more strategies that are not online too. My research makes me not focus a lot on other things...
About my mom, we are taking baby steps to communicate and most of the thing is to forgive my parents and understand that my feelings in the past were validated.
The time scares me. A lot. I'm about to go on my thirties.
 
Puff said:
Actually I have a diagnose of autism (level 1), but the funny part is that my difficulties with my executive functions is the most prominent symptom, not exactly the communication lol
Click to expand...
well all those Sp.Ld dignosis (autism/adhd/dyspraxia etc) kinda bleed into one really...they are just words which describe a cluster of symptoms essentially
 
ageingpartyfiend said:
well all those Sp.Ld dignosis (autism/adhd/dyspraxia etc) kinda bleed into one really...they are just words which describe a cluster of symptoms essentially
Click to expand...
Don't know exactly if is the same, I'm not a specialist ,but some of those are neuro divergence.
 
Puff said:
Why since my childhood I take the double of time to finish a task compared to people? So angry because my low self stem, insecurity, introspection and lack of initiative are damaging my career and finances (and other areas).
So angry for sending CVs (even for jobs with no experience is required) and not get a job interview. So confused with my next steps... I have dreams, but pay my debts comes first. My money is just for debts.
Feeling confused for my lack of knowledge of my strengths, just my failures and weaknesses. Desperate for being slow on a deadline.
I hate myself for not being organized and listen to my mother's voice punishing me for trying all the methods to improve and not work.
I hate myself because dad told me I was difficult in my childhood so my decision is to obey and be the child who without problem.
I hate myself for my lack of discernment between the mask and my true self.
Why my insecurity and hyper independence makes so hard to communicate and ask for help?
I'm sad for not being and feel validated for those I love about my autism diagnosis... I'm not using to weaponize my mistakes. My goal is take accountability and improve.
Is so hard to doubt about yourself, your guts, observations and thoughts 💭
I'm tired.
I hate my hard times to change my mind in some belifes about myself.
I just want to understand my brain, know who I am and be myself... Whateaver this person is .
And achieve financial independence.
Have a plan. But now is a moment if weakness and hopeleness.
Click to expand...
Sound like ADD. Meds might help.
 
@Puff (I saw you had been prescribed Ritalin a few years back and that is why I am posting this).

If the supply issues have eased where you are, why not speak to your psych about Vyvanse (Venvanse in your area).
I was on 20mg IR Ritalin for the last 20 years until my Doc suggested Vyvanse December last year.

Had to wait until the supply issue eased and started February 2024.

From day 1 it was a life saver for me and at a low dose too. (started at and still at 30mg and no desire to increase dosage either) - which is weird for my track record.

It is amazing how clogged my mind had been for all those years and all the angst that came with it.

Just wish I found out about them earlier............... I am getting old though. :cool:

Hope you find all the answers you are looking for.

Stay strong.

SL
 
shreddedlettuce said:
@Puff (I saw you had been prescribed Ritalin a few years back and that is why I am posting this).

If the supply issues have eased where you are, why not speak to your psych about Vyvanse (Venvanse in your area).
I was on 20mg IR Ritalin for the last 20 years until my Doc suggested Vyvanse December last year.

Had to wait until the supply issue eased and started February 2024.

From day 1 it was a life saver for me and at a low dose too. (started at and still at 30mg and no desire to increase dosage either) - which is weird for my track record.

It is amazing how clogged my mind had been for all those years and all the angst that came with it.

Just wish I found out about them earlier............... I am getting old though. :cool:

Hope you find all the answers you are looking for.

Stay strong.

SL
Click to expand...
Talked to my doctor, she gave me the right quantity of pills according to my height and weight. Is helping a little, but my body still detoxing cocaine (had a relapse last week and my husband had to intervent) and I am having a hard time to get motivated and avoid my perfectionism.
Venvanse is my dream, however my doctor and I agreed that now is not the right moment, because this medicine is too expensive in my area and now I don't have financial conditions to buy. Hope to get a job this year, pay my debts and have conditions to take venvanse.
 
lecroute said:
Hey, how are you doing?
Guess by now you must have finished your thesis?
Click to expand...
Still struggling with the figures and rewrite... running against the clock, don't know why everything is slow for me. At the same time, my town is flooded because of rain and we don't have water since last Sunday, so we have to stay home.
This moments I miss my mom and aunt, because they knew how to help me choose the most important tasks and not stay too long reviewing one topic, because of my high standards. But is a little shameful an adult needing support like a kid, so I keep moving, shaping myself to survive this world.
Now I'm happy that 3 chapters are finished and one topic of the fourth chapter were corrected.
 
Puff said:
Still struggling with the figures and rewrite... running against the clock, don't know why everything is slow for me. At the same time, my town is flooded because of rain and we don't have water since last Sunday, so we have to stay home.
This moments I miss my mom and aunt, because they knew how to help me choose the most important tasks and not stay too long reviewing one topic, because of my high standards. But is a little shameful an adult needing support like a kid, so I keep moving, shaping myself to survive this world.
Now I'm happy that 3 chapters are finished and one topic of the fourth chapter were corrected.
Click to expand...
I heard about the heavy rainfall and the problems people are dealing with where you live. Though I was lucky enough never to have been completely out of anything (water, electricity, communication, food, and basic stuff like soap) I know what living under that conditions is like.
Can't you contact your mom and aunt?
Don't be ashamed of needing help. Instead be proud of what you've mastered so far. Many people don't even have an associate's degree, and you came so far despite everything.

Good luck with chapter four.
I'm confident you'll do a great work.
 
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