So a lot gone wrong lately. And things went from worse to worse, until it all collapsed and Charlie died. There's so, so much to unpack. But I feel I have to say something to save this situation from absurdity. If what's next is tangling together things you don't want to see tangled together then I understand and appreciate your patience, as we're all fated to untangle knots from our own respective perspectives.
The law got down on me last summer. I suppose the neighbours where hearing horrible noises of a being stripped of his recognition of his surroundings, didn't want to interfere themselves so called the cops. They found their way in somehow and found a barely responsive figure in a trashed room. Acknowledging I wasn't being prepared for intergalactic transmission wasn't an option in the moment alas, so they thought it necessary to wrestle me down on a glass covered floor, basically sitting on my back while I didn't feel pain and now I can't run properly anymore, right arm goes numb. I've been doing the dreaded ergonomy.. still hung up on that field, still pissed off they reduced the explorer of consciousness, the healer of supposedly incurable illnesses, into chair cunt. That "psychology" course was a dagger to the heart.. youthful ignorance, I know.
Chair has won, I'm now on an actual throne (just a little reference to silly text to the left I've been failing to remove for over a decade now). Or I could be dethroned just as swiftly, it's all in the hands of the judge who will read this case and hopefully go:"no, this makes no sense, this shouldn't have happened in the first place, we're just ruining a weird yet peaceful creature's life here by doing anything".
At least this is the impression I managed to convey in the police interrogation. I spoke for acid. I really did. By advice of my lawyer, whom I should have contacted right away, it was very irresponsible of me to just faith it out at the time. As things came about, having to arrange a lawyer during uni exams, has somewhat made an impact on my grades. Numbers and measures.
It's acid they found on me, but the O-PCE I was on was legal of course. Dumb and absurd. And I just had to learn the hard way that there really isn't a way to lean on any dissociative in the same way as Methoxetamine can be trusted. I'm sure there are good uses for O-PCE. But from the vantage point of an MXE veteran, it's a trap. It just does not give that magical soft forgiving landing. An nave might even mistake it for stimulation, and therefore oppose it, how stimulant abuse is dealt with. But you can't oppose the void. You hit, and there's no one there.
Though of course such ghosting techniques aren't immune to abuse either. It's one thing to block out walls of psychedelic raw, or dissociative raw as you sometimes mistook them as, it's quite another thing to block out sober, heartfelt replies too. Or administrative ones, at that. Dear goodness gracious the toll it must take to have to handle this I cannot imagine although I would like to help if only you weren't afraid of me. But yes if you feel isolation is your only option, then do be aware that if you do so with a constricted indiscerning mind, at some point you're not making a statement of which behaviours you support and which not. Don't delude yourself you're edifying at all. At that point you're just not performing your accredited role. And you're not being a friend. Understandably so, but nevertheless true.
Heavenly goddamn fucking Charlie didn't fit through the hole of the pearl to string through though. When we did bullshit, what he did was drugs instead. Gotta just throw the bullshit in the open, man. That's where it dissolves. But people get judgmental, disguising it as Faith in their own vision. There's so much to be said for having a trusting attitude to life, connecting heart to heart, then it all works out. That's good Faith. But the problem is people close their heart and then still proclaim faith, while what they're really doing is Fear. They don't know what to do. And what are you to do, without youthful inquisitiveness? It's a tough position to be in, a goddamn drunk can be the straw breaking the camel's back. Still not an excuse to tell people to go kill themselves. That's a rare gift you see in healthy communities. Treat it as such.
I guess that's what forgiveness is. And I guess that's what Charlie would have wanted me to say. I hereby finally cry tears for him. Thank you 1cp-LSD, thank you Charlie. And I'll never forgive myself for having been so slow on this. I will make your death count. How, I don't know. But I will. All this shouldn't have happened. We will have to ride this one out together.
Farscape