Well I feel I could come in here with some words..
I’ve been struggling with cocaine ever since my divorce. I had purchased probably a quarter Oz of very clean product last winter and was slowly working on it but had given it to my buddy to hold for me only to give me some at long enough time intervals.
A couple weeks ago I just had this feeling of “fuck it I don’t need this bandaid anymore” and told my buddy to flush the remaining few grams. This was huge for me because in all my years I had proudly never flushed any drugs. But this was needed.
Then what do I do a week later? Buy a half gram when it’s presented to me. I did a couple lines, realized it was pure garbage (like most everything is unless the person talks like it’s the best blow they’ve ever had) and then ended up flushing that too. Hoping that last taste of shit coke will keep me away for awhile.
No drug can get me to flip the script so quick. Sure opiates are my daily bread but those seem more predictable in need.
I think I just need to completely stop hanging out with friends for awhile until I can get back to that place where I can say no again.
My biggest problem in all of this is that I use cocaine to replace sex, and i made a pact with myself to not get involved with anyone for a year (we’ll see how long in reality though I’ve almost broke multiple times now.) I’m trying to heal from past trauma so I can be fully present for my next relationship. It’s been tricky and probably just a symptom of addiction overall.
Since picking this habit back up I’ve had some good gaps of clean time, 2 months here 3 months there, but keep going back. So now back to a week since using and hoping I can hold on this time. Thankfully there’s no more blow in my possession so gotta just not buy another. I can say no to lines, it’s bags that get me.
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