Recovery The 2023 Recovery Thread

[kiely]

hello! woke up today, took 600mg of neurontin, caffeine and bubble bath as always. now i’ve been doing these meetings on zoom with fellow friends who are in recovery, in active addiction, or just wanna come hangout and learn stuff. it’s not NA or AA, 12 step based or anything like that. we just talk and have a good time. we do one at 8am EST and 8pm EST, so if anyone wants to come talk and hangout with me & the lads/lasses, please please do. sometimes it’s easier to talk than write out posts and the vice versa. just hit me up and i can give you the zoom link. all walks of life are in there!


anyways today is good. made 40 dollars helping my neighbor’s elder mum, going swimming soon, and mowed my lawn + cleaned house. did our normal zoom meeting this morning and both yesterday. things are going super well.

take care

That's a Beautiful Today.

 

[PtahTek]

I must be going through bupre withdrawals. Just basically feel no energy, nose runs if I don't dose kratom... just feel "bitchy" (no offense intended) so laying low.
It's been at least a week and a half since I ate some bupre mf go away already.
My mind tells me to take an extra dose of bnz but my experience says f that.
I don't go back to work until Thursday not that the unease would cripple me if I had to go in.
May have to put the brakes on bupre eats too much of my kratom stash when I run out. Bastard. Hell I only do it once/twice a year but it has become more prevalent and possibly the only safe opioid option on those streets at this time. Crazy. No problem will just do me and leave it where it's at.
Anyway hope all have a good one and sees ya!
Peace

OT:
Anyone else ever felt that recovering feels like standing on shaky ground? I mean if one never walks a path that path can be frought with unexpected encounters, twists, slippery spots etc. Once walked a few times that same path becomes familiar and a source of comfort.
OK I'm outta here

 

[edika]

I know. And there are so many good people here to have an understanding of what is in our hearts.

And this is what is wanted for you too. To live and be able to be happy.

Actually your post is very inspiring and made me feel that strength that you are able to share so well with your kindness.

Thank you for that and your voice for us to keep going on as well.

That was a very true and deep experience and I am so glad that you made it through. Beautifully.

But, yes . . thank you for your strength !!

Hang on. Thank you for being here too !! !!

that's just so sweet!! if I have any strength to share, I want to make sure that I do. thank you

how are you doing being abstinent from opioids? I hope everything is going really well for you!! You don't have to share anything you don't want to, but I would like to hear if you are going through anything or not, and offer my support to your struggle or to your continued success :D

 

[edika]

I must be going through bupre withdrawals. Just basically feel no energy, nose runs if I don't dose kratom... just feel "bitchy" (no offense intended) so laying low.
It's been at least a week and a half since I ate some bupre mf go away already.
My mind tells me to take an extra dose of bnz but my experience says f that.
I don't go back to work until Thursday not that the unease would cripple me if I had to go in.
May have to put the brakes on bupre eats too much of my kratom stash when I run out. Bastard. Hell I only do it once/twice a year but it has become more prevalent and possibly the only safe opioid option on those streets at this time. Crazy. No problem will just do me and leave it where it's at.
Anyway hope all have a good one and sees ya!
Peace

OT:
Anyone else ever felt that recovering feels like standing on shaky ground? I mean if one never walks a path that path can be frought with unexpected encounters, twists, slippery spots etc. Once walked a few times that same path becomes familiar and a source of comfort.
OK I'm outta here

That indeed sounds like some kind of opioid withdrawal. Are you having any more symptoms on the tough side of things?

in response to your question:
I notice that the path walked a few times brings the illusion of comfort, because I was merely tricking my brain into sensing that I was doing good for myself (and I was, but then the hidden motivations for walking the path and using it to cope rather than truly get clean and then ending up back with drugs were hiding in the shadows). To me, that abuse of the path is why it feels like shaky ground. I shine light on my subconscious and see that, in the past, I was merely holding the 'I'm gonna get clean' hope as a carrot on a string dangling in front of my face that i was running after, but i would just go back to drugs when I had the chance. But that's literally just me and I'm not hinting at anything for your case, this is just what is was for me. The shaky ground sensation left when I understood that's what i was doing, and then gave it a serious conscious effort to quit and go through with it and find everything I needed to quit. Spiritual support, new hobbies, distractions, etc. whatever is needed for me to get serious and fill the void left by seriously quitting.

 

[kiely]

that's just so sweet!! if I have any strength to share, I want to make sure that I do. thank you

how are you doing being abstinent from opioids? I hope everything is going really well for you!! You don't have to share anything you don't want to, but I would like to hear if you are going through anything or not, and offer my support to your struggle or to your continued success :D

I wish that I had some opioids but I don't. If I had some I would use them but I don't have any so I don't take any. Gabapentin makes me sick or maybe it is my sickness that

makes me sick. Inflammation of the immune system that seems to strike anyone at any time for some reason but is kind of real for some of us.

Anyway opioids help me with everything. And it's a journey until the end and sometimes I don't want to be on one anymore. Because of all of the pain. So now I have to live

one day at a time. Some days will be sad and others graver.

Everyone seems to do their best. I loved your posts and how they made me feel that there can be happiness again somehow. And that there is.

I guess the depression can kick in again somehow. Thank you for your experience and posting too. That was kind. And very awesome inspiring !! Stay loved. And be happy.

 

[kiely]

that's just so sweet!! if I have any strength to share, I want to make sure that I do. thank you

how are you doing being abstinent from opioids? I hope everything is going really well for you!! You don't have to share anything you don't want to, but I would like to hear if you are going through anything or not, and offer my support to your struggle or to your continued success :D

 

[tokayeahok]

just woke up. put on the ‘fred again’ tiny desk. really really encourage anyone to listen to that if you’re struggling. there’s something he channels with the instagram video audio that is just incredible, as well well as playing the fucking desk itself. as a musician and human i remind myself to revisit it once a week. in my bubble bath bluelighting and checking socials. got a meeting thingy at 8am. had a lot of hummus last night for dinner

 

[kiely]

Yes. I think I will go get blood work today. It's been three months end of this month.

If I can find the door. Or a car. Long stories. And so many but it's all good now so far.

But the important thing is I can get some blood work. It's a start. And an exit. I told the dr, I would wait to talk for the six month appt. so it will be three more months now.

That is all. Not really . . . . it's getting late and it's hot. And no mor for two days already. I am feeling better by the minute.

What a gift and blessings. And Thanks.

 

[tokayeahok]

got up at 6am, been in the bath this morning listening to tunes. got a meeting in an hour, gunna maybe make some coffee & hop on the computer for a little bit and do some sample searching for music stuff.

got a lot to do around the house today. lots of clothes to hang up

 

[somnilicious]

Another day here. Drank a bit much for a couple of days. Going to take a long break starting today. Finding it hard to stay motivated cause I'm broke. Not much gas. Have no destinations or ways to get out much other than walking around my blazing hot neighborhood for the hundredth time. I don't have many friends in the immediate area. Not complaining nor looking at everything in a negative light. Simply impediments to overcome.

 

[tokayeahok]

Another day here. Drank a bit much for a couple of days. Going to take a long break starting today. Finding it hard to stay motivated cause I'm broke. Not much gas. Have no destinations or ways to get out much other than walking around my blazing hot neighborhood for the hundredth time. I don't have many friends in the immediate area. Not complaining nor looking at everything in a negative light. Simply impediments to overcome.

same here brother, i live very rurally and don’t have any friends other than online ones so i’m by myself a lot. i do have my neighbors who are quite nice. an older guy i play guitar with and have a mixed drink with on occasion or kevin, a 25 year old, so closer to my age who i’ll sometimes with.

i haven’t gotten tired of my walks yet, i’ve been doing more progressively so i went 5 miles today instead of 4. it’s really gorgeous out here too.

 

[PtahTek]

This "recovery" from substance(s) looks to be a life long battle. Damn sure is not a one off.
I know I use everyday but somehow I do consider myself sober mostly. Ya can tell by the wording that there is doubt and the awareness that I am not sober.
Its such a tangled mess, is it not?
Gordian knot... one that cannot be cloven with steel.
Not sure where I was going with this so will see my way out.
Peace

 

[tokayeahok]

just woke up and very grateful am not hungover, had 3 very strong mixed drinks with said older neighbor & he gave me a dab to smoke too - needless to say my head was spinning & the cross fade was strong last night.

oops.

well, i feel okay. i definitely cheated on my diet when i got home & ate half a pizza LMAO. meeting at 8 today, having coffee

 

[kiely]

Okay H & R here we go. I felt real bad and I didn't know what was doing it but I think I might know.
Actually I do know but might not be believable. Just call me the kindler.
For those of you that might just want to end it all . . . it can get so much better and it will most of the time.
Don't make the others hurt if you don't have to.

Yes most of the time it can be so good and so wonderful and you just can't miss out on it and it can be so much better and good. If you can just hold out.
And the worse that you feel the better you can feel also then. After years go by there can't be that many coincidences.

I just wanted anyone to understand that I am spiritual and always wish everyone else can experience that love and safety and warmth and being able to have that power within to depend on. And most important to share. To move forward and to ascend to higher levels with each other's help and trust in love.

I am sorry if it makes anyone angry or at least annoyed but it is what keeps me stronger. My prayers for others and for strength and serenity. And all of the other weird things that I will never be able to explain. Like you would have to be there to know what I was saying. Maybe like a drug. But I sure do know what I know and have seen happen.

Anyway I am severely depressed and there is a higher power that is there with me that helps me through and to feel so much greater than is actually possible and it does.
And I wish I could share that with others if they would want to know to. Life is a struggle for everyone and I wish we could all know that we can get to that place that we want and that we can. Even when it seems impossible. And there is a higher strength that is there that will help you and it can.

The good of love and that strength can move all things in a better direction. It's kind of true like that. So I really don't WANT to be hateful at all. And just try to share that understanding of a higher power and spirit

that power for helping with the heart as best as we can and when we are able to anytime.

 

[kiely]

I was so sad I could have d##d or really wanted to. Does this sound depressing? I'm sorry. It's so bad. So sad too.

But I will get better right ?

So yeah. I'm crying that I want to d##. And I prayed for God to let me d## somehow. Lol. I want to . . . . hello.
I prayed to d## but all I got was clouds and rain. It was cool and so lovely.

And yes, the others are getting used to it now. I prayed for ten years. Straight. And I am doing a lot better since I have been able to walk again too since like about a year ago when I got sick . . er. lool.

So here I am in pain. And the others have to listen to me want to d##. As I am sweating myself and feeling detached from a certain nerve medication at the same time. . Hmm.

And my brain hurts. And isn't working well now. S##!

I remember one of the dogs jumping out of the Duely or somethin and then we had to repel back up to the seats. So it was in a parking lot after shopping. I'm so bad. And you

know I am trying to recover from 'it.' So i just got really depressed from 'something.' And dumb . . . er. So the next day I started actually looking for my golden wallet for some reason. Well let see it had post office keys, probably 35 dollars to replace or 25 or at least 5. Drivers license, medical card ,two credits one debit. collection of MM cards omg ect ect ect. Yeah and the wad of money.

So I look for it everywhere (cleaned at the same time), Pain and nauseous the whole way and then sweating and dissociated after taking 'medication.' I'm crying out to God please I want to d## and I want to leave' go away' check out.' Someone asked me well if you want to d## . . . then why are you even crying about your golden wallet being missing and why do you even want it back ! Wow, maybe they don't believe that I want to d## (leave earth as in go or goned). Maybe they think I really don't want to d##.

I am really sorry. I know that's negative and we need to be happy instead.

Anyway if I do live . . . . I have to canx my bank card, go get a new one, or wait for it in the mail, buy new post office keys, drive illegally . . . with no drivers license till I go get another replaced also. DUH when and I can't even get outta bed and I am sweating to death it feels like.

 

[kiely]

So i went to get my blood test. Got a ride this that and the other thing. For sure. No drivers licence too. Remember. So we get to the medical office. Long story and it's 11:40. No one in the parking lot. The door says closed for lunch 12 to 1 p.m. So I say . . what are the odds. If I bought a lottery ticket and the odds were 12 to one that I would win do

you think I would ???? doubt it. But 12 hrs in a day and i have to show up at the exact wrong time. So now I am really murmuring. So we drive away and less than three minutes later I want to check the time. I was previously going to throw my phone into a little back pack on the floor but my hand moved it back to my pocket of my clothing.

Yeah so it was vibrating because who knows why I had the volume shut off somehow. So I answer it and it's a family member saying I just got the weirdest phone call. This awesome sweet lady called and said she found your golden wallet. It took her three days (all freikin weekend ) to track down a way to return it.

So I start crying so hard on the phone another person in the car thought someone had died. So this lady is like honey I have your wallet. And she is like it is so far I will mail it to you. And I said can we please just come get it if you would not mind !!! She said sure but it's way way out here. . .. . . So it takes 35 more minutes to drive out there. One way !!! 35 to drive back and then another 40 to get back home again.

So when we were driving out there I was just melting down. And so embarrassed, of course. And just want to tell her and her kind heart that I have been on my journey. f## I'm crying again. And I feel I am getting nearer to the end of the trail and that I am just so emotional now. We didn't know if we were going to find her. She said there was no

reception out there, yeah, and oh there wasn't but her directions were great. She said come on in through the door because she said she is handicapped and we walked in and she had a walker. She said I don't want NO MONEY and damn my wallet was packed with it. She held up my golden wallet and everything was there. She said I don't want no

money because when i go to the store and I leave my cane there and someone takes it and doesn't give it back. I know what it feels like. And my eyes are just welling with tears.

And I don't want anyone to hurt anymore. It means way much much more than money ever WILL. I am going to try to help others from now on ans if I am going to have to live to be near 90 or so. I gave this lady a hug and cried on her shoulder. She is 81. Her husband just recently got sick and is 90 years old.

She wouldn't take any money but we are best friends now and I am going to send them birthday cards, and christmas cards and valentines day. And go to visit her and bring her quilts and and an anchor from the shop.

Because when we walked in I was embarrassed and crying and asked her if she knew what the end of the trail is .. . she was just smiling and I was crying. And she said yes. And I looked up at her wall and I saw it. She had a wood carving up there. #ck I can't stop,. Round like a dream catcher but wooden. It was an end of the trail on her wall there

among all different kinds of artwork. It was all so wonderful and peaceful. And there were symbols all over the place that were like the one's in our shop's.

But I did ask her if she was Native and she nodded and smiled and said yes. awesome. So she said that her son's both married Oakie wives who both won't won't let them come over and visit so they just send them gifts and they keep putting them up on the wall to look at. lol.

So we asked if we could take a picture of the fish up there. Not a real fish and we did. I thought that I had pointed at the end of the trail too but my hand was shaking and I was still crying and my thumb didn't work right lool.

So just one weird thing after another. I can't explain everything and the spirits and the well these clouds too. But then this. So we leave and are on the way back and want to get some food somewhere because we had been gone. So it was like how about chinese meal. But I was like saying what . . if we get sick from gluten lol. So I said how about

a quarter pounder with cheese lol because maybe it will be fresh like last time. But it was like naw not another f##'n QP'dr. So then it was let's go to this barbecue place because so and so isn't here to say No only my barbecue is the best. So we are salivating driving to the barbecue place and we get there and it is closed. It's Monday.
So oh wait lets' go try this other place that might be good.

So we get in and two of us go for the same seat that is facing the door. And I said no no you go ahead you sit. And I went to the chair on the opposite side of the table facing the wall and I looked up and there it was on the wall the end of the trail artwork !!!! Right up on the wall ! It was most awesome artwork that I have seen for quite a while I have

to say. A friend of mine also has an end of the trail statue on her table in her living room that her boyfriend had given her for a special gift. And you know I think my parents even have the painting.

Anyway it was almost just exactly like a serenity prayer. And we have all had a second chance. Some of us even three or four chances. So cherish all of the good things in life and all of the wonderful and happiness as much as possible. Be happy for all of the good times and please please please help others to not have to hurt whenever possible.

Help others to grow and ascend into something more huge and better than us all. A higher force that moves us forward to another level and to other places. Whenever possible to be a part of. I guess it really can be a better way today.

So if an 81 yr old lady living way out in the remote and rustic can make a difference in others lives from almost a hundred miles away who they never had met before or hadn't even met each other yet. I am sure it is possible to be kind to everyone and try to help others to not hurt as badly and to help whenever possible.

I stopped at a store to buy a few things later on in the day. And I told the guy at the store that I am not sure if the card is working yet because I just got it because I had lost my golden wallet I was holding. The guy said they usually work immediately as soon as they give you the new one. I told him how someone had found my wallet and I had to

drive out to blah blah blah to get it. He like was loosing his shit and we had to laugh. But I told him how the lady thaat had it was 81 yrs old and handicapped and she said she didn't want any reward money AT ALL. She said when she has left her cane's behind and someone doesn't return them she knows how bad it feels. Omg. It's a big enough

journey to go to all of the stores at the end of town. Let alone to drive out to the end of nowhere where there is no reception. J/k, though. It was beautiful out there as usual. I just hadn't been out that way in a while and also I have never been out to that area that is even a farther trip in. She really said she wanted NO money at all. And I really don't

want money either. I just want everyone to help each other to not hurt and be able progress with all and everyone's support to move on to make everything better greater and as best as possible.

I hope everyone learns to help each other and ascend in the greatest ways possible and to help others so that we all don't have to hurt anymore.
I still haven't got my blood work yet. Oh joy !!! But I will. Trying tomorrow.

 

[kiely]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . i found another fish !

this is from where my new friend lives now !!!

 

[kiely]

I'm going to get blood work today ! Ha. I have to go out there again.
See how easy it is. Just do it.

 

[somnilicious]

 

[kiely]

Aww.