Hopeless Everytime i stop and look at my life the patterns i see arnt very promising. Making me wonder what's the point?

[Euphoric Spirit]

Im not sure why I'm trying anymore. In 2016 I got arrested for robbing a bank strung out on meth and ever since that day my head and my heart have been at odds.
I used to enjoy life and drugs were kinda a boost. They werent necessary but brought things to the next level. I was a very social person. I had a open door policy at my houses for any friends and most took advantage of that. I worked but work wasnt why I lived. I'd always had problems with opioids because I was born with a club foot so I was put on alot of morphine and codeine at a young age. But the opioids were something I did in private ussually. I also was on alot of adhd meds as a kid. So I was already a addict before I was in junior high.

But I never let it defeat me until I smoked meth. 3 months after my first time doing meth I'd sold everything I own including my bed and I had to leave my house. So in a last ditch effort I robbed a bank. I thought I'd either get some money to get a hotel room and a bag or I'd go to jail and get off this shit.... Haha yeah cause life is always that cut and dry.
I got sentenced 3 years. I did 1 and got parole.... then overdosed on parole. I should have died from the od I was out for 3 hours cause I didnt tell anyone. Broke everyone's heart... so I went back to jail for another 18 months... it was awful... but then they told me I wouldnt get out for another 10 unless I got on suboxone.... long story short I did and now iv been on it for 5 and a half years.
For the last 5 years iv felt like a stranger to myself... like I'm being controlled by someone else... I cry alot when I'm alone and dont know why... Iv been single for 7 years..iv contimpaled suicide several times. Iv tried to kick it with no success. And if gotten good jobs just to lose them because I have a mental breakdown and go into manic depression spells.

So after all that. After losing myself and losing most of my adult life (I'm 29) to suboxone and jail... I did it... i got off the suboxone. I weened and iv been off for 3 weeks with minimal withdrawls. . But now idk how I got to where I am. Idk how to live a happy life... I'm fucking scared and alone and I literally dont want to leave my room. I saw some friends a few days ago and we went to a concert and it was amazing. Until the next morning.. and I realized I'm almost 30 and I gotta figure my shit out. Only problem is i cant see a way to live a life anymore. I'm gunna relapse and i gotta live with trauma. I cant talk to women anymore because I just make them depressed. Idk who the fuck I am anymore man. And that really sucks. . .

 

[swilow]

Honestly, it's going to take time but if you stay sober, you've got more of a shot than if you get back on the gear. One thing that I cannot recommend enough is exercise. I was absolutely smashed with depression and addiction about 4 years back aftet a decade of drug abuse and horror and had recently recovered from a traumatic brain injury when I decided to try and get jacked. Starting lifting weights and have gained 25kgs and lo and behold, I'm not depressed or anxious at all any more. I'm a librarian working a nice, stres free job. I still take bupe and psychedelics but I'm essentially "normal". It may sound awful and like a load of shit but start challenging your body and your mind will seriously start to feel better. At the very least, it's one thing to be proud of. And from that, other challenging things can be done.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're only 30. You can still absolutely make a life for yourself.

 

[PtahTek]

Tailor these "patterns" more to your liking. Stand back and look at yourself. See yourself.
What do you want most in life?
Peace

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

You’re only three weeks in, you’re probably still experiencing a degree of withdrawal without realising it. That is SO early in sobriety after spending your whole adult life living in a way that is detrimental to the process of becoming a capable adult who can manage life properly that OF COURSE you feel all at sea. Give yourself a break!

It is perfectly normal to feel like you have no fucking idea what to do or how to move forward at this point. That will change if you stay clean, but it doesn’t happen overnight. To some degree you just have to have faith and believe. Forget about the women and worry about yourself. Get help with your recovery, for me the process of change started with asking for help.

29 is young, you have the majority of your life to come.

 

[yubacity]

Im not sure why I'm trying anymore. In 2016 I got arrested for robbing a bank strung out on meth and ever since that day my head and my heart have been at odds.
I used to enjoy life and drugs were kinda a boost. They werent necessary but brought things to the next level. I was a very social person. I had a open door policy at my houses for any friends and most took advantage of that. I worked but work wasnt why I lived. I'd always had problems with opioids because I was born with a club foot so I was put on alot of morphine and codeine at a young age. But the opioids were something I did in private ussually. I also was on alot of adhd meds as a kid. So I was already a addict before I was in junior high.

But I never let it defeat me until I smoked meth. 3 months after my first time doing meth I'd sold everything I own including my bed and I had to leave my house. So in a last ditch effort I robbed a bank. I thought I'd either get some money to get a hotel room and a bag or I'd go to jail and get off this shit.... Haha yeah cause life is always that cut and dry.
I got sentenced 3 years. I did 1 and got parole.... then overdosed on parole. I should have died from the od I was out for 3 hours cause I didnt tell anyone. Broke everyone's heart... so I went back to jail for another 18 months... it was awful... but then they told me I wouldnt get out for another 10 unless I got on suboxone.... long story short I did and now iv been on it for 5 and a half years.
For the last 5 years iv felt like a stranger to myself... like I'm being controlled by someone else... I cry alot when I'm alone and dont know why... Iv been single for 7 years..iv contimpaled suicide several times. Iv tried to kick it with no success. And if gotten good jobs just to lose them because I have a mental breakdown and go into manic depression spells.

So after all that. After losing myself and losing most of my adult life (I'm 29) to suboxone and jail... I did it... i got off the suboxone. I weened and iv been off for 3 weeks with minimal withdrawls. . But now idk how I got to where I am. Idk how to live a happy life... I'm fucking scared and alone and I literally dont want to leave my room. I saw some friends a few days ago and we went to a concert and it was amazing. Until the next morning.. and I realized I'm almost 30 and I gotta figure my shit out. Only problem is i cant see a way to live a life anymore. I'm gunna relapse and i gotta live with trauma. I cant talk to women anymore because I just make them depressed. Idk who the fuck I am anymore man. And that really sucks. . .

It can take a while before life nstarts to feel good after addiction it took me over a year after heroin just to feel any joy but the brain does heal . One day you will feel joy return but it takes time

 

[deficiT]

I'm in a similar boat, so I can definitely feel your pain. Learn to stop. And breathe. Just breathe the air, and sometimes you'll feel better after a period of brief meditation.

Most of all you've just got to learn to be patient with yourself, and build yourself back up. I also suggest black seed oil for the opioid withdrawals, it definitely takes the edge off.

 

[yubacity]

Paws is what always gets me back in it always starts with I just want to have one day without the fatigue anxiety sadness

 

[swilow]

Paws is what always gets me back in it always starts with I just want to have one day without the fatigue anxiety sadness

I know the feeling but if you watch closely, you can start seeing minor improvements- maybe just a 5 min spell of normality, or anxiety at only 95% magnitude for a little while. Tiny increments which lengthen over time and tell you that your brain is healing, slowly but surely. And then one day you realise you feel basically okay. For me, the longest wd period was 6 awful months of insomnia, anxiety, self loathing...it just went on and on until one night I slept really well and woke up feeling maybe 30% better than normal. Over the next 2-3 months, I completely recovered.

The temptation to relapse died in me when I came to realise that, no matter how I negotiated it or planned it or promised to do differently, using the drug which had caused me to feel so horrible in the first place was utterly illogical and maladaptive. Doing it was the cause, not doing it was the solution. It eventually became simple.

My situation was different in that I am on opioid maintenance therapy and was the entire time after a huge 18 month extremely high dose bender (and a decade of preceding on and off addiction).It really only prevented acute wd but allowed some deep long term behavioural change to take root. I still had to go through the suffering of healing a broken life, and the joy of achieving that.

 

[nznity]

Im not sure why I'm trying anymore. In 2016 I got arrested for robbing a bank strung out on meth and ever since that day my head and my heart have been at odds.
I used to enjoy life and drugs were kinda a boost. They werent necessary but brought things to the next level. I was a very social person. I had a open door policy at my houses for any friends and most took advantage of that. I worked but work wasnt why I lived. I'd always had problems with opioids because I was born with a club foot so I was put on alot of morphine and codeine at a young age. But the opioids were something I did in private ussually. I also was on alot of adhd meds as a kid. So I was already a addict before I was in junior high.

But I never let it defeat me until I smoked meth. 3 months after my first time doing meth I'd sold everything I own including my bed and I had to leave my house. So in a last ditch effort I robbed a bank. I thought I'd either get some money to get a hotel room and a bag or I'd go to jail and get off this shit.... Haha yeah cause life is always that cut and dry.
I got sentenced 3 years. I did 1 and got parole.... then overdosed on parole. I should have died from the od I was out for 3 hours cause I didnt tell anyone. Broke everyone's heart... so I went back to jail for another 18 months... it was awful... but then they told me I wouldnt get out for another 10 unless I got on suboxone.... long story short I did and now iv been on it for 5 and a half years.
For the last 5 years iv felt like a stranger to myself... like I'm being controlled by someone else... I cry alot when I'm alone and dont know why... Iv been single for 7 years..iv contimpaled suicide several times. Iv tried to kick it with no success. And if gotten good jobs just to lose them because I have a mental breakdown and go into manic depression spells.

So after all that. After losing myself and losing most of my adult life (I'm 29) to suboxone and jail... I did it... i got off the suboxone. I weened and iv been off for 3 weeks with minimal withdrawls. . But now idk how I got to where I am. Idk how to live a happy life... I'm fucking scared and alone and I literally dont want to leave my room. I saw some friends a few days ago and we went to a concert and it was amazing. Until the next morning.. and I realized I'm almost 30 and I gotta figure my shit out. Only problem is i cant see a way to live a life anymore. I'm gunna relapse and i gotta live with trauma. I cant talk to women anymore because I just make them depressed. Idk who the fuck I am anymore man. And that really sucks. . .

Damn dude, you've been through a lot of shit at such a young age. I can empathize with what you're feeling. My 20s hsve been filled with misery and torture.
Although, i think you're expecting for things to change but the thing is, you neither have the motivation nor want to change at all. Going through a transformation of your soul, person,character is going to hurt. It's painful as fuck, you might be scared cause things have been shit for you for so long you might think it's a waste of time. That it's going to take a long time for things to get better, but if you do that jump and adventure yourself into the unknown...things ultimately get better, i can guarantee you that. Nevertheless, it's gonna take a lot of hard work, perseverance, consistency, if you want to improve your life. But you gotta decide buddy, it's up to you if you wanna keep going depressed for another 5 years+ or if you finally wanna get out of that cesspool in which you said you feel trapped.
I would advice you to start with lil things, make a schedule. Start with discipline, you won't be able to accomplish shit in your life if there is no order. Then make both short and long term objectives u wanna accomplish.
Examples: exercising, eating well, sports, meetings, try meeting New ppl but no dating yet until you have worked more in your selfesteem.
the most important thing tho is: FIND YOUR PASSION IN LIFE.
every single person in this world(with no exception) is good for something. It seems to me that you seem lost in life cause you haven't found what u want to do with your life. Ask yourself: what am I good for? What thing that I do, I can do it better than other ppl? Where do I want to be in another 5 years?
If you have difficulty with this, try going to a psychologist so he/she can assess you with this. Dont be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.
Man you and I have both the same age, I'm going through a real odyssey too but we are still young and can turn our lives around. It's not the end of the world.
Well, the Ball is in your court. You decide buddy, it's up to you whether you are gonna stay In this bubble of comformism or you gonna say fuck it and start fighting for your life.
I send u a big hug, the best positive vibes for you.
xx,
Nico

 

[Heroes Inc.]

My guy, you are so young..Shit man, I’m 40, and just got off coke, trying to ween off oxys, trying to stay away from booze, all while seeing my wife suffer with terrible daily pain (endometriosis) which has lead to infertility. Not to mention my brother passed away 5 months ago, as did my wifes brother 5 years ago. Shit, I’m proud of myself for the steps I have taken to be in control. And fight the stupid bitch (depression) in the back of the room DAILY. You should be very very proud of yourself. It’s actually quite amazing you have this much introspection for a 29 year old considering your past. Man, you made it through the worst! Mentioned above, get on some black seed oil, and maybe dabble in low does psilocybin? It has really helped me out, but it is easy for me to get in California. You have people here from all walks of life that are willing to just listen. I’m here for ya.

 

[yubacity]

I know the feeling but if you watch closely, you can start seeing minor improvements- maybe just a 5 min spell of normality, or anxiety at only 95% magnitude for a little while. Tiny increments which lengthen over time and tell you that your brain is healing, slowly but surely. And then one day you realise you feel basically okay. For me, the longest wd period was 6 awful months of insomnia, anxiety, self loathing...it just went on and on until one night I slept really well and woke up feeling maybe 30% better than normal. Over the next 2-3 months, I completely recovered.

The temptation to relapse died in me when I came to realise that, no matter how I negotiated it or planned it or promised to do differently, using the drug which had caused me to feel so horrible in the first place was utterly illogical and maladaptive. Doing it was the cause, not doing it was the solution. It eventually became simple.

My situation was different in that I am on opioid maintenance therapy and was the entire time after a huge 18 month extremely high dose bender (and a decade of preceding on and off addiction).It really only prevented acute wd but allowed some deep long term behavioural change to take root. I still had to go through the suffering of healing a broken life, and the joy of achieving that.

It takes time with me after 7 to 8 months i got my energy back anxiety will never compleatly go but it was managable. I took about a year for the depression to lift and little while later i was watching staand up and i lol a proper laugh and i knew i was ok

negotiating with myself for a relapse never works i always plan one day use then i do it secondm the rest you know a full blown addiction again . Im on mainternace in states i wont touch fent . It works for me but we all back in UK for the kids summer vacation and im using heroin here . I functioned as an addict but you never get the years of addiction back and the kids growing up seem like a blur . I have never lived an adult life without drugs either meth and coke or heroin i just dont enjoy being clean

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Sounds like you're just a general mess and are feeling at sea. You were using drugs the right way during the time when you describe them as *not necessary*, but just giving things an extra boost. That's what they should be.

Now for awhile though you've obviously been using them to fill some kind of perceived lack in yourself or your life, in other words looking for them to give you something they can't. You should find a therapist or better, a good psychiatrist to help you figure your internal shit out.

Believe me I know all about regret and thinking there's no point in carrying on. I thought my life wse over at 21 at one point. I'm now about the same age as you and I've already lost irreplaceable years of most of my childhood youth to a congenital condition, then wasted another five of early adulthood on a charming little love with heroin that I nearly paid the ultimate price for.
Made me realise I didn't *quite* fancy myself zipped up in a body bag just yet. No matter how much in the shit you are right now or how messed-up and hopeless your life looks to you, at our time of life there's no reason to sling the hook prematurely unless you have some incurable terminal disease.

I've done the entire funfair roundabout ride from recreational user to addict user back to recreational, and currently (and probably indefinitely) no longer using. I have several mental health issues, my material circumstances are not great, and with any progress I make it often looks like 1 step forward and 5 steps back. Still in here pitching because I wanna see what's round the corner and this is the one lifetime I get. Don't give up man!

PS If you wanna chat to someone less publicly, feel free to drop me a note.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

There's some glitch and it won't let me edit my post, so just to add this on :

Heavy use over an extended time period does mess with your dopamine levels. The reason being, in simplified terms, that while you strive for the high, your brain strives for homeostasis, ie chemical equilibrium. So if you constantly artificially overstimulate production, eventually the brain will downregulate in response. Then when you come off the drug you're running significantly below normal baseline.

The good news is this is reversible, your dopamine function will return to normal; the bad news is it doesn't happen overnight. It generally takes a good 12-14 months on average of total abstention from your problem substance to feel 'right', since the process of dopamine depletion occurs gradually over an extended time period, the same holds true for the reverse. During this period of general anhedonia you may benefit from anti-depressants.

 

[Wishdoctor79]

You've been through Hell and back so it's natural to feel exhausted. Your body is telling you to rest and take care of yourself.

Exercise, look at your diet, and one day all of a sudden you'll get your mojo back. It could be months but eventually you'll feel a change.

One thing that helped me a lot was going to a Narcotics Anonymous NA group where I met a new friend. Just go to one meeting and if you don't like it you can leave.

 

[mr peabody]

Over many lifetimes, we who are born into the evolving worlds of time and space eventually attain the maturity necessary for star birthing. You have advanced to the celestial nursery. Find your beloved, and prepare for the next chapter of your great adventure.​

Follow the light. You know the way.

 

[endlessnameless]

Over many lifetimes, we who are born into the evolving worlds of time and space eventually attain the maturity necessary for star birthing. You have advanced to the celestial nursery. Find your beloved, and prepare for the next chapter of your great adventure.​

Follow the light. You know the way.

Interesting.
If you have any more specific instructions on how to achieve that, feel free to PM. I'm open to harbour what you're willing to enlighten. I imagine you understand what I mean, even if it wasnt worded the best.