Only in recent years I realise the damaging effect masturbation has had on my mind. 25 years of living 18 years of masturbating. I'd say i have a mild personality disorder and dissociative disorder purely because of it. It's difficult to notice but there are slight changes to my personality every time I've masturbated based on how i do daily activities and emotional responses. My personality shifts dramatically every time i masturbate and shifts slightly/gradually without masturbation. Just like how one may make an excuse to use a drug I make an excuse to shift my mood/personality/mind to feel better. It's never better though sometimes i make myself believe it.
Also I realise how every year, my days of happiness have reduced from many to few to seriously none. I feel like this constant masturbation has sapped me of my emotions and ability to sense or give love. It's gradually becoming more rare now, but there are periods of time in which i feel like myself, im able to love, im able to feel angry or happy or sad and i feel like i can take on anything. these moments i have of myself currently occur less than once a week and when it does its lasts until i wake up the next day to being emotionally numb again. If i have not masturbated i start feeling glimpses of this true self but the overwhelming negative withdrawals drive me to use again. Even so, feelings of happiness entice me just as much as sadness/depression to wank again.
I wholeheartedly believe that masturbation/sex is a drug of choice for addictive/pleasure-seeking personalities especially since I've compared myself to my mother addicted to CC. The bigger picture of addiction behaviour (conscious and subconscious ways of obtaining that pleasure) in myself and mother signifies my drug is porn and her drug is crack. Her itch is a lot worse than mine of course but my itch is so easily scratched and sometimes I make that itch when its not even there. The mental disorders (dissociation depression anxiety) and the need for ejaculation have mutual causality just as any other addictive substance or thing.
I know that if i stop i can recover myself from the 'devil's grasp' and lead a normal life but it's so hard for me to make a step
Also I realise how every year, my days of happiness have reduced from many to few to seriously none. I feel like this constant masturbation has sapped me of my emotions and ability to sense or give love. It's gradually becoming more rare now, but there are periods of time in which i feel like myself, im able to love, im able to feel angry or happy or sad and i feel like i can take on anything. these moments i have of myself currently occur less than once a week and when it does its lasts until i wake up the next day to being emotionally numb again. If i have not masturbated i start feeling glimpses of this true self but the overwhelming negative withdrawals drive me to use again. Even so, feelings of happiness entice me just as much as sadness/depression to wank again.
I wholeheartedly believe that masturbation/sex is a drug of choice for addictive/pleasure-seeking personalities especially since I've compared myself to my mother addicted to CC. The bigger picture of addiction behaviour (conscious and subconscious ways of obtaining that pleasure) in myself and mother signifies my drug is porn and her drug is crack. Her itch is a lot worse than mine of course but my itch is so easily scratched and sometimes I make that itch when its not even there. The mental disorders (dissociation depression anxiety) and the need for ejaculation have mutual causality just as any other addictive substance or thing.
I know that if i stop i can recover myself from the 'devil's grasp' and lead a normal life but it's so hard for me to make a step
