Venting I want to peel off my skin and yeah.

[r3claim]

I literally want to peel off my skin and rot. I want to bang my head against a wall until the world ends but it seems that most people don't feel this way. Oh no. I am just so exhausted, of life, of everything, and I want to melt into my floor or more ideally I want to fade into the universe and simultaneously be everything and nothing at once. I am coming up on three years clean and I am slowly losing my mind (not related to drugs, but personal) and I cant help but think that it would be easier if I was barred out. I found a journal entry of mine, and when I read it, I couldn't help but laugh into hysterics- everything with existing is so so so so so incredibly wrong and everything is wrong and I hate it. But I love it. Quite unfortunate. I want to have a black hole open up in my stomach and for me to be swallowed into the blackhole which simultaneously contains everything known to man and nothing at the same time and is me but also not me and I want to exist in fugue state of what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. Anyways, did y'all hear about that train? Idk man. Just had to write.
Sending love..
-R

p.s. I feel like saturn eating his son, yeah. That's about right. I feel like both of them though, not just Saturn. Anyways. Bye.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

It’s awesome that you have 3 years clean! Life is a struggle and we suffer in so many ways. As you know, drugs just make it worse. I hope you find peace.

 

[Asclepius]

I literally want to peel off my skin and rot. I want to bang my head against a wall until the world ends but it seems that most people don't feel this way. Oh no. I am just so exhausted, of life, of everything, and I want to melt into my floor or more ideally I want to fade into the universe and simultaneously be everything and nothing at once. I am coming up on three years clean and I am slowly losing my mind (not related to drugs, but personal) and I cant help but think that it would be easier if I was barred out. I found a journal entry of mine, and when I read it, I couldn't help but laugh into hysterics- everything with existing is so so so so so incredibly wrong and everything is wrong and I hate it. But I love it. Quite unfortunate. I want to have a black hole open up in my stomach and for me to be swallowed into the blackhole which simultaneously contains everything known to man and nothing at the same time and is me but also not me and I want to exist in fugue state of what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. Anyways, did y'all hear about that train? Idk man. Just had to write.
Sending love..
-R

p.s. I feel like saturn eating his son, yeah. That's about right. I feel like both of them though, not just Saturn. Anyways. Bye.

What you wrote, feels so familiar. I feel this less intensely, nowadays but absolutely get it (even though, you never really 'get it'; unless you're 'in it')...though, I can tell you with certainty - you keep in mind, orient your mind to reject anything other than what you deserve - that which castrates you - to feel so punitive (even if that's how you feel) is insane - you cement that shit, in your mind by reinforcing how awful you are -its lies, you are nothing of that thing that makes you feel that way, it's a ruse! Destroy what poisons you over &over relentlessly, with justified anger and rejection toward everything stupidly, ignorant both within & without you. It's a start. Work from a strong foundation.

 

[r3claim]

What you wrote, feels so familiar. I feel this less intensely, nowadays but absolutely get it (even though, you never really 'get it'; unless you're 'in it')...though, I can tell you with certainty - you keep in mind, orient your mind to reject anything other than what you deserve - that which castrates you - to feel so punitive (even if that's how you feel) is insane - you cement that shit, in your mind by reinforcing how awful you are -its lies, you are nothing of that thing that makes you feel that way, it's a ruse! Destroy what poisons you over &over relentlessly, with justified anger and rejection toward everything stupidly, ignorant both within & without you. It's a start. Work from a strong foundation.

Definitely feeling much better today, and definitely needed to hear this. I will conquer those thoughts and things I do not deserve, things and thoughts and feelings and people which do not deserve me shall not suit me. I made it through yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and that is all that matters. How do you eat an elephant? Bite by bite, am I sick of eating this elephant? Sure. Will I ever stop? No. The main thing I can do is keep on going and going, to plateau is to lose momentum and growth. Nobody ever said things had to be linear, it sure is easy to feel that anything other than linear is torture but every step, every bit helps. Thank you again, sending thoughts your way ..

 

[Asclepius]

^ imho to plateau, is to be human; if you can aim to be compassionate with yourself, when you feel the worst and then, plan-on & upward - you've done yourself and your spirit good.
To make an impossible situation, tolerable enough to 'sit down and handle eye-to-eye', therein is the key to living. Always keep the roots strong & nurtured.
You're doing great love. Much admiration & respect for you. Never let yourself down.

You will pass it on.

 

[PtahTek]

Being the lion and the lamb.
Light and dark.
Giving and consuming.
I think I would rather stay high than have to engage with all the ugliness I see when I am sober. No condoning or urging anyone to use anything... just saying dealing with what I see sober gets me way too anxious but this isnt the right word. I mean I can go a year here and there but to abstain completely forever would probably be the ruin of me and maybe others IDK and not gonna find out.
Paradoxes and enigmas. Gotta love and/or hate em.
Always,

 

[Mimi Bordeaux]

I literally want to peel off my skin and rot. I want to bang my head against a wall until the world ends but it seems that most people don't feel this way. Oh no. I am just so exhausted, of life, of everything, and I want to melt into my floor or more ideally I want to fade into the universe and simultaneously be everything and nothing at once. I am coming up on three years clean and I am slowly losing my mind (not related to drugs, but personal) and I cant help but think that it would be easier if I was barred out. I found a journal entry of mine, and when I read it, I couldn't help but laugh into hysterics- everything with existing is so so so so so incredibly wrong and everything is wrong and I hate it. But I love it. Quite unfortunate. I want to have a black hole open up in my stomach and for me to be swallowed into the blackhole which simultaneously contains everything known to man and nothing at the same time and is me but also not me and I want to exist in fugue state of what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. Anyways, did y'all hear about that train? Idk man. Just had to write.
Sending love..
-R

p.s. I feel like saturn eating his son, yeah. That's about right. I feel like both of them though, not just Saturn. Anyways. Bye.

Hello. I don't know you obviously but I think you have a distinct way with words. Have you tried writing as a hobby? It is something that you could do indeed of having a meltdown every day and night:-
Let me know. I am fascinated. Ciao Bella