One Year with Heroin: Let's Recap!

[wirkdy]

Alright here I am writing this text with some really fragrant h, it's actually not been exactly a year since I started doing h which will be next month but I'm ready to make a full recap right now!

Why did you start doing h?
I was in deep pain, dickhead doctors as usual won't/are reluctant to prescribe opioids as anti-pain even if that's the only scientific solution for certain type of pain.
I was also suddenly and often very agitated with high heart rate.

H is also something I wanted to try to combat stress and give me a good mental reset, I don't know if I actually would have tried heroin just for that and without the pain and without the reluctance of the doctor to give me opioids though, so this particular circumstance made me buy heroin without hesitation...quite crazy since I hadn't been part of any group of people who used drugs in a loooong time.

How did you take it?
Nasal insufflation, I snort it, I tried smoking it a few times but I never got nothing out of this ROA.

How much heroin did you consume?
A few mg daily for approx. 2.5g/month but if I had more I would have probably done 4-5g/month.

Did all of this lead to addiction?
Yes I'm addicted to heroin, it's mostly a psycological addiction, I'd say 70% psycological, 30% physical because without it I feel myself stiff, tense, somewhat cold, nervous and my nose runs.

Without it I don't feel well overall or at least I don't feel as well as when under the effect of h and without it I go like: "What the hell am I gonna do today without heroin? The day is too damn long, boring and stressfull without it!".
When I have it I only do it in the evening, never during the day, it's become a sort of ritual for me, I start at approx. 7pm, I keep on snorting while I read, browse the internet, listen to music, watch stuff and lately got into retro-gaming...so I do this routine until midnight/1am when I go to bed. It's quite a few hours which fly by feeling very well, I also sleep like a baby thanks to h.

What do you like most about it?
The feeling of extreme well-being that embraces you, the pleasant warmness and comfortability, the sensation of lightness of your body and head and then the nodding, I love the nodding, I truly do, slowly losing the senses and briefly passing out, that's the apex of heroin's effect.

What don't you like about it?
Effects-wise I like everything about it, just the dry mouth you get after hours since you used it is a little bit annoying.
I don't like that it gets you addicted and that your life will somewhat revolve around it.

I don't like that it is illegal and risky to deal with it, also the consequences in case you are caught using it (driving license may be suspended) and I don't like to having to deal with stupid dealers who aren't smart and whom I may dislike.

Would you be able to quit it?
If I had something/someone I would care much about I'm sure I'd be able to quit it cold and immediately.

Does heroin prevent you from being productive?
If you have a job/activity you like and care about, heroin (at least snorted) doesn't prevent you from being productive and overall in order but if you have nothing to do or to care of you might spend long time in bed and that's not nice, that's not h's fault though but depression's together with h.

Would you recommend it to others?
I would (not that I'm ever gonna do it though, stigma against it is too strong in this world) only to adults in certain circumstances e.g. under severe pain, heavy stress and similar.
I got an acquaintance who is very ill, they (gangsters=doctors) filled this person with medicines which mostly worsened their ill-being, some heroin would just make this person spend their last time feeling well and with a smile on their face, unfortunately in this sick society if you need h for justified causes they make you suffer while more and more teens are using heroin just for the hell of it! A 15 yo girl (of normal family!) over-dosed not long ago! Symptoms of a very sick society.

What are you planning to do with heroin in the future?
I'm gonna use it for more months but I actually don't know how long, got zero goals and no motivation for anything else at the moment and that's also what keeps most people into heroin, it's not much of a person's fault to be into heroin but the broader circumstances a person is in are mostly at fault.

 

[mu_master]

Sounds like you need some direction in life. Stop being a passenger inside your body and take control. But you're an adult and you should be able to do as you please.

 

[wirkdy]

Sounds like you need some direction in life. Stop being a passenger inside your body and take control. But you're an adult and you should be able to do as you please.

yes that's right, I just don't have any motivation to do anything alone! I believe I just need my partner (woman) in life, I don't know...

 

[mu_master]

yes that's right, I just don't have any motivation to do anything alone! I believe I just need my partner (woman) in life, I don't know...

You can't rely on external sources of meaning and motivation. It has to come from within. I suggest throwing yourself into a challenging scenario. Take on a responsibility. You need to move toward the things in life that seem uncomfortable and hard. That's where the true happiness lies. Otherwise H will just eat you alive. Think about what matters to you and what you wanna be remembered for. Do you have any strong beliefs that are worth fighting for?

 

[xtcgrrrl]

OP, you said that you believe you just need a woman to help keep you off of h. Well, supposing you do find such a woman. What are you going to do when you face stressors that inevitably arise from such a relationship? Every relationship has conflicts, or other sources of anxiety…don’t you think that you might then turn to heroin to relieve the stress? Then you’re right back where you began. That’s why you need healthy coping methods to cope with pain and stress. I myself have an enormous amount of physical pain, to the point where I recently exclaimed to my partner that if I had access to perfectly safe heroin, I would take it. But I don’t, and even if I did, I know well enough that that isn’t the answer.

I hope you can dig down deep within yourself and find the motivation to exist without heroin. It is possible! and meanwhile there are a ton of better solutions to coping with physical pain.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

I don’t condone n is what sucks is I thought this was 1yr w/o unfortunately it’s another post of someone wanting a pitty party smh I don’t get y’all anyway I have nothing good to say, I just hope you don’t anyone or anything depending on you if you do you’d best get your shit together even a dog I’m tired of people that can’t put effort towards what’s needed in the simplest and assume someone or whatever can fix them lol you’ll fix you if desired otherwise you’d be bringing others into misery n just as old saying goes it’s all about dragging others down w it. God I really hope you don’t have kids bc I was one of those kids who needed a father yet he was too invested in anything that would’ve been pro life, family or community.
Lol a year w heroin n need a partner, H isn’t your partner? Hell you’re invested awful deep

Let’s not be too harsh here, I realize that you are coming from the perspective of your own upbringing, but all I see here is someone trying as hard as they can to take stock, objectively, of the total sum of their year’s worth of experiences with this substance. While I happen to agree with you, and I don’t think that this is a particularly good way to cope with one’s problems, your response here could be taken as being insulting. And that has never convinced anyone, ever, to change their ways

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

For what it's worth, apart from just simply straight-up enjoying the effects and finding them pleasurable on their own account, heroin use at times has been very beneficial to my mental health and helped me cope with shit I otherwise didn't have the resources to.

And while it's absolutely true that if you have an addiction problem, ultimately nobody can 'fix' it but yourself, it is also true that human beings DO need things outside of themselves. Chronic loneliness was a big part of why I used to the level I did, because it acted as a replacement for a very basic human need that was unfulfilled. Or at least enabled me not to care so much about the fact.
I also have severe PTSD and the only fucking thing that would ever REALLY help it is for the shit that caused it in the first place to not have happened. That's not possible, so.... you do the best you can.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

What the fuck? You consume heroin daily but only 2.5 grams a month? You are one lucky and low tolerance motherfucker. That wouldnt last me a 2 days and I dont even have an h habit.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

What the fuck? You consume heroin daily but only 2.5 grams a month? You are one lucky and low tolerance motherfucker. That wouldnt last me a 2 days and I dont even have an h habit.

... I was thinking that.

 

[wirkdy]

Do you have any strong beliefs that are worth fighting for?

Honestly they are over, that's the sad point I ain't motivated to do nothing much, you're right in what you say and I still have some moments of "I gotta shake myself up", I'll do it in the end I guess, it's just that an "external force" would motivate me far more.

 

[wirkdy]

... I was thinking that.

yeah I don't consume much luckily, 2.5g/month was in the first months, anyway I don't go over 5 or 6g per month.

 

[wirkdy]

update: I've been without gear for almost a whole week after months of daily use (insufflation), what to say, I'm hooked, luckily I still have some tramadol till next load come in otherwise it'd be really harder, this is what I'm suffering:
- can't sleep (also when I was on tramadol without heroin)
- feel goddam cold, just stand like a tree so close to the stove daily
- nervous and exhausted
- just uncomfortable everyfuckingwhere
- can't really find fucking peace

but overall I reckon I could stop if I wanted to, I mean I could go right now to buy from dealers I like less but I don't, it'd not be extremely hard with daily physical excercise to stop, that would take the mind away from the thought and drain energy which in turn would lead to the need of sleeping!

 

[Xorkoth]

but overall I reckon I could stop if I wanted to

That's what they (we) all say. At first anyway. I stopped saying that a long time ago, myself, but that's what I said for years...

I even DID stop for 5 years... didn't even think about it anymore. Then I relapsed in a really hard time and since then, it doesn't leave my mind, and I'm on suboxone, trying to slowly taper.

Opiate addiction is the worst. I have no bigger regret in life than ever trying opiates.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

That's what they (we) all say. At first anyway. I stopped saying that a long time ago, myself, but that's what I said for years...

I even DID stop for 5 years... didn't even think about it anymore. Then I relapsed in a really hard time and since then, it doesn't leave my mind, and I'm on suboxone, trying to slowly taper.

Opiate addiction is the worst. I have no bigger regret in life than ever trying opiates.

It is absolutely true that you CAN stop if you want to. The snag is getting to a place where you truly WANT to. And the confusion arises by what we define as 'wanting'.

The way I use that word is if I really 'want' something, that means I PREFER it to any other option. Where so many of us get confused is when we can't tell apart our wants/desires from what's a mere aspiration or better judgement.

Case in point: I tried to cut down my heroin use several times thinking that's what I genuinely wanted, and coming away time after time defeated because I couldn't seem to stick to it. It only gradually dawned on me that I didn't ACTUALLY want to reduce my use - I still desired the stuff all day every day. But I was tired of all the bad shit that came with it. The only thing I truly wanted to stop was all the crap consequences. I didn't wanna stop the drug itself. I merely WANTED TO WANT to stop. It was an 'I should'. 'It would be better / the sensible thing to do'. 'I owe it to myself / my family / society / whatever'. But if I could've just kept going at several shots a day without any negative repercussions then I would have done.

The point where it finally worked was the point where I literally STOPPED wanting the same amount of heroin. Like that's IT. Unfortunately there's no failsafe 'strategy' you can prescribe to someone to get to that point ; if there was there'd be no addiction problems.

The only thing I'm saying is what you believe you want and wonder why you can't seem to achieve, generally isn't the thing you want, as in FEEL DRIVEN TO, deep down.
The difference is between saying you want to go on a diet for health reasons, and you sit there forcing down healthy food while constantly dreaming of cheeseburgers and constantly feeling miserably deprived as a result, and ACTUALLY PREFERRING and enjoying the healthy food.

To use this metaphor for my own personal situation, I made myself eat salad when all I wanted all the time was burgers. Predictable result: repeated burger binges which made me feel simultaneously satisfied and revolted with myself. Now, I still love burgers but do emphatically not want them for breakfast, lunch and dinner because then I get fucking sick of them. These days I LIKE the salad and all the other variety of foods I can eat.

 

[ItsclearlyFake]

It is absolutely true that you CAN stop if you want to. The snag is getting to a place where you truly WANT to. And the confusion arises by what we define as 'wanting'.

The way I use that word is if I really 'want' something, that means I PREFER it to any other option. Where so many of us get confused is when we can't tell apart our wants/desires from what's a mere aspiration or better judgement.

Case in point: I tried to cut down my heroin use several times thinking that's what I genuinely wanted, and coming away time after time defeated because I couldn't seem to stick to it. It only gradually dawned on me that I didn't ACTUALLY want to reduce my use - I still desired the stuff all day every day. But I was tired of all the bad shit that came with it. The only thing I truly wanted to stop was all the crap consequences. I didn't wanna stop the drug itself. I merely WANTED TO WANT to stop. It was an 'I should'. 'It would be better / the sensible thing to do'. 'I owe it to myself / my family / society / whatever'. But if I could've just kept going at several shots a day without any negative repercussions then I would have done.

The point where it finally worked was the point where I literally STOPPED wanting the same amount of heroin. Like that's IT. Unfortunately there's no failsafe 'strategy' you can prescribe to someone to get to that point ; if there was there'd be no addiction problems.

The only thing I'm saying is what you believe you want and wonder why you can't seem to achieve, generally isn't the thing you want, as in FEEL DRIVEN TO, deep down.
The difference is between saying you want to go on a diet for health reasons, and you sit there forcing down healthy food while constantly dreaming of cheeseburgers and constantly feeling miserably deprived as a result, and ACTUALLY PREFERRING and enjoying the healthy food.

To use this metaphor for my own personal situation, I made myself eat salad when all I wanted all the time was burgers. Predictable result: repeated burger binges which made me feel simultaneously satisfied and revolted with myself. Now, I still love burgers but do emphatically not want them for breakfast, lunch and dinner because then I get fucking sick of them. These days I LIKE the salad and all the other variety of foods I can eat.

Man this is fucking gold. Every 'addict' needs to understand this. I´ve learned people don't quit until they really literally prefer the sober life vs the drug life.

This might sound radical for some people, but imo The whole 'addict' identity it's B.S. And people love to play that identity to keep lying to themselves in what they actually want.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Man this is fucking gold. Every 'addict' needs to understand this. I´ve learned people don't quit until they really literally prefer the sober life vs the drug life.

Why thank you.

And yes. The rehabs totally give themselves away on that count as well. They market addiction as a disease but in the same breath tell you that 'you have to want it' and if you go back to drugs then you just didn't want it enough. Volition however isn't a factor in any genuine illness. You can't just decide to not have diabetes one day.

The entire way society handles addiction problems to my observation is based on a false dichotomy : either you're morally deficient and therefore worthy of blame and punishment , or you're sick in which case we can relegate you to the category of passive victim and at least see you as deserving of help and compassion. I find it obvious it's neither.
If you're using to excess you're neither a flawed individual nor do you suffer from a made-up disease, you have developed a maladaptive compulsive behaviour. But no matter HOW obsessed, how driven, how compelled or desperate you feel (and I have lived that life), it's still YOU sticking that needle into your arm at the end of the day.

I noticed the difference between those who successfully abstain or moderate and those who find it a Sisyphus-like struggle and constantly backslide, is the first group find they're GENUINELY HAPPIER with the change, while the second group is feeling deprived and their main driver for abstinence is fear of the consequences of their use. (That was also me.)

I've been repeatedly asked 'oh I wanna do what you do, tell me how you do this' and I tell those people : there's no magic formula. It's a change of mind. And if you're having to ask HOW then you're not there yet.

This might sound radical for some people, but imo The whole 'addict' identity it's B.S. And people love to play that identity to keep lying to themselves in what they actually want.

I wouldn't be that harsh. I think most are just confused by the prevailing rhetoric and disease paradigm. This is further complicated by the fact that very often an actual disease, such as a severe mental illness or chronic pain condition, predicates addictive use.

I also remember what it was like half-believing it. When you're right in the filthy depths of it where you find yourself denigrating your own self-respect in ways you never before would have entertained just to secure your next fix, you DO feel helpless, you do feel trapped. It feels like there's this 'thing' that's somehow pushing you. This generally happens at the point where your desire to better your life and your desire for the drug are pretty much holding the balance, with the scales still just tipped in favour of the drug. THAT'S when it starts to feel plausible that something is 'making' you do this against your will somehow. It's like when it comes to drug use we collectively forget there's such a thing as experiencing two conflicting wants of equal strength, or that tough choices exist where neither option is devoid of pain - while we readily acknowledge this to be a feature of human life in all other areas.

Lastly I think many people also buy into the victim complex not only because the general public discourse actively discourages them from understanding their predicament in any other way, but because it is, in a fucked-up way, COMFORTING. I certainly felt a morbid kind of relief for the brief time I more - or - less bought this shit. Sticking that label on myself served a function of shoring up my already fragile self-regard. If I was 'sick', then I wasn't really responsible for my actions. I didn't have to feel bad about whatever I did to others or myself in pursuit of my little bags of powder. I could relax into just accepting I was doomed to be an addict for life, that fatalism made it easier to forgive myself when I slipped. Also to anyone who's been dealt a harsh hand in life it's ABSOLUTELY tempting to adopt the 'I' m sick you need to help me and go easy on me ' victim role, because you might never have had the consideration and empathy from others that is a basic need for all of us, and this way you can get it fulfilled. There are many very complex interacting factors involved.

PS sorry if this turned into a bit of an armchair lecture, but I feel very passionately about this issue.

 

[Xorkoth]

Man this is fucking gold. Every 'addict' needs to understand this. I´ve learned people don't quit until they really literally prefer the sober life vs the drug life.

This might sound radical for some people, but imo The whole 'addict' identity it's B.S. And people love to play that identity to keep lying to themselves in what they actually want.

I agree with this, I think twelve step programs that teach you to always fear yourself, repeat to yourself daily that you are powerless against your addiction, leave you forever a slave to your own mind. You become addicted to working the steps and are a slave to the drugs still, but in a different way. A healthier way, to be sure. But I think it's healthier to teach people to realize that they DO, actually, have control over their actions.

Don't get me wrong, I won't deny 12 step programs have saved lives, and work for some people. But personally, I am not interested in being a victim for the rest of my life.

 

[ItsclearlyFake]

I noticed the difference between those who successfully abstain or moderate and those who find it a Sisyphus-like struggle and constantly backslide, is the first group find they're GENUINELY HAPPIER with the change, while the second group is feeling deprived and their main driver for abstinence is fear of the consequences of their use. (That was also me.)

That's so accurate LoL

I also remember what it was like half-believing it. When you're right in the filthy depths of it where you find yourself denigrating your own self-respect in ways you never before would have entertained just to secure your next fix, you DO feel helpless, you do feel trapped. It feels like there's this 'thing' that's somehow pushing you.

I see. Maybe I haven't tried enough addictive drugs to be able to really comprehend that drive. My father used to smoke heroin for most of his life, for the most part I saw him as a victim of a 'terrible compulsive drug' and I felt pity and sad for him, later I had a theory that the drug wasn't that powerful, but rather the seeking of using something that turns OFF the trauma-energy / negative emotions that he had been carrying on since ever, and so the fact of not being able to get their fix on any day, more than the pain of withdrawal, would be the pain of not being able that day to 'forget'. (but that was probably my romantic imagination).

Probably a little of the two? Even though I´ve tried countless drugs and RC's (although not dope), I've never have felt that impairing animalistic drive to use, my closest example I can think of something compulsive that you can´t control is some porn binges I used to do not long ago. Sometimes I have thought that if truly some addicts feel that way when they use, then yeah, they completely have ALL of my sympathy.... It's strange that it has been with a non-substance compulsion that I have felt more trapped by dopamine, than with any other substance that ive tried.

Lastly I think many people also buy into the victim complex not only because the general public discourse actively discourages them from understanding their predicament in any other way, but because it is, in a fucked-up way, COMFORTING. I certainly felt a morbid kind of relief for the brief time I more - or - less bought this shit. Sticking that label on myself served a function of shoring up my already fragile self-regard. If I was 'sick', then I wasn't really responsible for my actions. I didn't have to feel bad about whatever I did to others or myself in pursuit of my little bags of powder. I could relax into just accepting I was doomed to be an addict for life, that fatalism made it easier to forgive myself when I slipped. Also to anyone who's been dealt a harsh hand in life it's ABSOLUTELY tempting to adopt the 'I' m sick you need to help me and go easy on me ' victim role, because you might never have had the consideration and empathy from others that is a basic need for all of us, and this way you can get it fulfilled. There are many very complex interacting factors involved.

For sure, that comfort can be appealing at first but it can be very damaging long term, not assuming responsibility just wastes you time in life.

PS sorry if this turned into a bit of an armchair lecture, but I feel very passionately about this issue.

Not at all! Glad to find like-minded individuals