The kratom was just too expensive and ordering it online just seems like it would be a pain in the ass to keep up with. I switched back to rationing low mg oxy because its surprisingly cheaper that way and I have other financial burdens that need to be dealt with ASAP. Seeing that I only need 2.5mg a night to avoid withdrawals, I'll attempt to quit again at the end of summer (but without the help of kratom if I can avoid it). On top of everything else, I might need to get a couple of fillings. I went my whole life without having dental issues aside from getting braces and my wisdom teeth pulled (which led to my addiction to pain meds 15yrs ago), and now that I tried to recover and my mental state was vulnerable, the timing couldn't have been worse. Funny, an ex-coworker was telling me she has to get most of her teeth pulled (despite the fact that they looked okay). She told me that she never had issues with her teeth until she quit meth. I guess drugs can preserve some health issues or make them go dormant until drug use is stopped. It just sucks that I gotta back to work to pay for dental work. The fact that we're moving in a month to top things off makes my situation more stressful as well. I suppose it was almost inevitable that I would relapse around this time. Funny how things work out. Oh well. Better luck next time. Maybe my life won't be so disorganized by the end of summer.
Hey there. It's what we do. We aren't perfect. We might fall off the bandwagon, and you are so brave and honest for coming clean from it and trying it again.
I recall having 1 pupil larger than the other coming off benzos and was in the hospital for awhile. That shit sucked because I liked to get high, and nearly stroked the fuck out.
Time after time after time, I'd get on drugs, and my thing this last time was IV fentanyl and alcohol and I remember how fucked it was reusing cottons, again and again thinking there was still shit there. Then go lay in the tub(dry) shake and cry. Like seriously had I really got that bad AGAIN? yup. I picked that phone up and called a friend whom picked me up. (Oh btw i was up for a week in psychosis driving my car to my parents so they could watch my dog). Talk about hearing shit and seeing shit driving , It wasn't luck I made it.
Long story short, I checked myself into detox, out of my gd mind. Turtle suit again
. Seeing the doctor, not sure if you know those stories, but had a moment of clarity there. Like I was wanting to die.
Now for today, my sobriety date is 1-21-23. Not super long but the program that I'm in now is great because for once I'm working the 12 steps as a junky drug addict alcoholic. I'm finally treating this as an illness where I would just meh il do it on my own.
I cannot do this alone, and that's the great thing about Bluelight is you never have to be alone nor worry about being judged because lord knows we've judged our damn selves long enough.
Just be happy you made it back, you seem smart as hell, and its true that sometimes relapse is part of recovery. You just added on your story. Just think of the other women you might be able to help someday
.