Thank you for the observation. Yeah, I'm not trying to come across as a shill for mainstream psychiatry but I have often thought that the reason I am level headed is because of the APs.
When I was bad, I walked around a rambling mess talking about nonsense and wandering off and becoming homeless for no serious reason other than I was too paranoid to stay with family. I guess that was a serious reason for choosing homelessness but I've seen many people become homeless for far worse reasons like drug addiction, losing their job and house, other forms of physical and emotional trauma, etc.
At my worst, I was completely catatonic meaning I couldn't speak or communicate at all, just sat their silent doing nothing. I was still aware of what was going on around me but unable to do anything about it. Like being trapped in a glass box with no way to tell anyone why you can't talk. Luckily I wasn't homeless at that period in time, I was with family again. But that was also when I was ordered on Risperidone injections in the state hospital.
Back full circle, I don't entirely know what would happen if I quit APs. If I did, I would certainly do it under doctor supervision and taper off very slowly. My doc told me Abilify is currently the weakest of all APs. So who knows? I'm afraid if I did come off then I might slide back to how I used to be and I definitely don't want that to happen again. I don't feel like I have anhedonia as bad as I did when on Risperidone injections and later pills. I certainly no longer have the brain fog, can mostly hold a job, and am able to drive and have romantic relationships (at least before covid). Maybe I've just grown used to mild anhedonia where it doesn't bother me as much anymore. After enough time on these drugs, we begin to forget our old selves and become accustomed to our new selves for better or worse. I wonder if that's what they mean when they talk about being institutionalized.
I know I talk a lot about being med compliant but I'm still trying to figure this stuff out too. Being med compliant has helped me gain traction in life after recovering from the injections but I also need to remember that med compliance doesn't mean the same thing for everyone. Especially after reading a book by Dr Joanna Moncrieff, I feel that many people don't need to take APs long term. At this point, I'm relatively happy where I am and will likely continue taking them unless something major in my life changes. Anyways, I'll get off my soap box. Y'all stay safe out there.
