I'm being sexually harassed.

[Hexenstahl]

Not sure if you're joking.

Nah I wasn't joking. My social circle is quite open and relaxed when it comes to the topic sex and it's always very interesting for me to see how incredibly responsive and engaged men suddenly become when I talk about sexual stuff the same way men like to talk about when they are by themselves. It's hilarious actually. First, he looks at you completely befuddled, thinking "wtf? Did my long-time platonic friend just make the suggestion to go into a strip club with me and check out some boobs together?" and then he realizes that he has just encountered a rare breed of a woman that is openly hypersexual and aggressive about it too. He wakes up from his momentary trance and says enthusiastically and excitedly "omg omg yeah right right that's what I also like...huh, you say that you always wanted to touch Jennifer's juicy, amazonian, watermelon crushing thighs??? Daaaamn I thought I was the only one who wants to do dat!!!"
And the whole time while talking the dudes look like this:

Another thing that bothers me about this is: I think I'm actually looking at it differently because she's a woman and I'm a man. In my mind I think it's not as bad if it's a woman doing it to a man. It should be exactly the same, but it isn't... and I'm not sure why it isn't.

The answer is very simple: women aren't perceived as predatory and when she makes sexual innuendoes it is therefore simply not perceived as nasty behaviour. Maybe there is also an evolutionary psychobiological cause for this perception...who knows.

I've never mastered German humour.

Sen you vill soon see teh iron might of teh german peepel ven it coms to se humor and our not dry jokes.

 

[bird.is.the.word]

it's always very interesting for me to see how incredibly responsive and engaged men suddenly become when I talk about sexual stuff the same way men like to talk about when they are by themselves. It's hilarious actually. First, he looks at you completely befuddled, thinking "wtf? Did my long-time platonic friend just make the suggestion to go into a strip club with me and check out some boobs together?" and then he realizes that he has just encountered a rare breed of a woman that is openly hypersexual and aggressive about it too.

It's 2022. I'm not at all surprised about anything any more. If a female friend of mine said let's go to a strip club, I'd say no thanks but I wouldn't be surprised. I went to a strip club once. Didn't like it. I'd much rather people be fucking on stage. If it was a better performance, I might have been a bit more interested. But, it was just like: here's a naked woman.

I know what a naked woman looks like. I'm not twelve.

I thought Germans were all hypersexual.

 

[arrall]

I honestly don't completely understand why it bothers me, which is confusing because I usually understand myself 100%. Maybe this is why it bothers me, because it confuses me...

Maybe because it is extremely natural and normal to be bothered by somebody sexually harassing you?

 

[arrall]

I'd grey that bitch. Whatever she says, just answer in blunt affect "Okay."

Grey rocking her is probably a decent idea.

 

[bird.is.the.word]

@arrall

I don't know.

I think I feel like if it bothers me, then she wins... or something.

I need to learn to not be bothered by it.

That's the ideal situation.

Maybe not.

 

[Hexenstahl]

It's 2022. I'm not at all surprised about anything any more

Yeah we live in a clown world I know.

I went to a strip club once. Didn't like it. I know what a naked woman looks like. I'm not twelve.

This is not the reason you go there. I once went to a strip club during my trip to LA 10 years ago with a bunch of friends and they had these women who were all dressed in uniforms like the one you see on my profile pic. It's not about just seeing naked wahmen, it's about the atmosphere, dance performance and music...it's about the sum of the parts.

I thought Germans were all hypersexual.

We germans are notoriously boring in sexual and romantic matters...

 

[bird.is.the.word]

The strip club I went to was a depressing dive. If it was more like Moulin Rouge or dominatrix shit, that works for me on some level... but (like I said) I don't see why I can't just go and watch people fuck on stage. Why does that not exist?

I don't have any problem with strip clubs, they just don't interest me.

I go to nudist festivals, so that probably has something to do with it.

We germans are notoriously boring in sexual and romantic matters...

I've seen enough German porn to know that can't be true... unless your porn is compensating for boring German sex?

 

[Hexenstahl]

I've seen enough German porn to know that can't be true

Porn is an entirely different matter altogether. People usually don't behave like porn actors when wanting to have sex. Btw, I never really liked porn. The only times I watch porn is when I'm high as fuck on speed.

 

[arrall]

@arrall

I don't know.

I think I feel like if it bothers me, then she wins... or something.

I need to learn to not be bothered by it.

That's the ideal situation.

Maybe not.

Then grey rocking (being as boring as possible in conversation and just responding “OK” to everything she says) is your best bet.

 

[Mjäll]

My first thought is she could use a violent dominant fucking but not sure that's your job at all...

Seems a bit humiliating for you. Like you're a boy or something.

 

[assclass]

I thought Germans were all hypersexual.

highly repressed people will act in hyper (-sexual) ways.

If you stop little boys from touching themselves, they will touch themselves more.

Japanese are also pretty sexually repressed, and they have weird sexual habits and culture.

 

[G_Chem]

I don't know. I think it would actually bother me less if she was less objectively attractive. Something that annoys me about this situation is her assumption that I am interested. She thinks she has a power over men. I'm not interested. I don't like vanity. It's a huge turn off for me. But, I'm human at the end of the day.

That paragraph took me ages to write. It frustrates me that this situation confuses me as much as it does.

I don't think it would make any difference if she was my boss.

This is exactly why I shut women like that down. Nothing less attractive then to think your shit don’t stink and you can get any man you want. I want that girl that doesn’t need that validation in her life. As I’ve said on here before, I’ll straight up walk away leaving you lookin like a fool.

-GC

 

[Jabberwocky]

I don't want her to be fired either. She is an asset in every imaginable way aside from the inappropriate behaviour towards me. We need her. If anything, she should be promoted

Then you should definitely make few voice records and then tell her to leave you the fuck allone! Obviously tell it mire calm and rationally. Something like "I truly respect you as a coworker but you are naking me feel bad with all this intimacy sharing. From now on I don't want to talk about anything that is not work related. I feel horrased and this kind of talking stops right now. Or I will sue you to the police. I am at my end and cant be stretched any further. So either only business talk or you go tovthe police department and everyone, including youtr husband.

If that doesn't change her behaviour and she keeps thinking...

I "jokingly" said to her I was going to report her for sexual harassment and she told me she doesn't care.

...then she us not an asset and could be a liability. I don't know specifics of your work, but imagine if she is bullying other employees. How many have left cause of her an how many are in the similar boat. That cant be good for atnosphere and motivation of your colleagues. Take care.

 

[alasdairm]

it does bother you so i think you need to own that.

i think that your first step depends on company policy but i think you should consider scheduling a meeting with her, perhaps with a neutral witness, and tell her clearly and unequivocally that her behavior is unwelcome and you would like her to stop.

alasdair

 

[Eligiu]

Sexual harassment makes anyone uncomfortable. The best thing to do is tell people it's inappropriate (as I'm sure you know I do when people do it to me frequently) then escalate it if it doesn't stop.

As I mentioned in the abuse thread, there is a clear double standard where sexual harassment or sexual abuse/assault is concerned regarding female perpetrators. The only way to help rectify this is to point out the hypocrisy and use proper avenues for complaint.

This doesn't mean she needs to be fired, but her behaviour needs to stop because it will continue to cause issues and it's actually unacceptable regardless of whether you find it traumatic, just as it's unacceptable for people to do it to me because they're curious. Their reasons don't come into the equation. Harassment is harassment. End of story.

 

[Eligiu]

Another point I wanted to make but couldn't before I drove to work (but can now that my client is folding his laundry) is that the societal issue which causes the problem here and which is why she probably continues in some respect is that *you are expected to be enjoying the attention* because it's from a woman.

Society accepts that women do not want unsolicited and pushy inappropriate male attention and that happened a while ago. Individual men may not have realised this, but the vast majority of people in countries where women have better rights have.

Society has not come to the conclusion that men do not want the same type of attention. We are supposed to want it, because it 'shows' that we are desirable.

You have to make it crystal clear that you do not want the attention, and that means escalation if she won't stop without that.

I'm not going to say that you have a personal responsibility to do this because otherwise she will do it to someone else, because I once had a senior clinical psychologist of all fucking people tell me that I should have reported my father's sexual abuse when I was younger because he may have abused other young people as well due to the fact that I didn't, and that infuriated me and actually made me feel even more shame and guilt that I hadn't previously felt for a whole new reason and it took disclosing that comment to my rehab psych who was giving me free therapy for my PTSD while I was in outpatient for me to understand that what the other psychologist said to me was inappropriate and insensitive and victim blaming.

She probably is doing this to you because she has never had consequences for her actions. If you give her consequences, she may very well stop.

 

[Robi]

i feel for you Bird and this all has hit home, i will stop sexually harassing people just because Im female, just wanted the old biddies to laugh and have fun at work, but yes its wrong, ty for all the informative posts, poor fellahs.

 

[Conky]

I thought Germans were all hypersexual.

Only the new Germans.

 

[bird.is.the.word]

 

[bird.is.the.word]

Thanks for the responses. I'm not going to do anything about it.

The problem with grey rocking or grey rolling or whatever it's called (I couldn't be bothered scrolling up) is: she often does it in front of people we are supposed to support emotionally... and they think it's funny. So, if I don't engage with it, I end up looking like an asshole and a buzzkill and my job is harder as a result.

I've thought about it and I don't think there's anything I can do to make the situation better. Every possible action makes the situation worse. So, I have two choices. I need to either stay and put up with it or leave. I'm seriously considering the latter. It might be time for a career change.