Hopeless Help

[Jabberwocky]

I volunteer at my moms churches food pantry.
I also used to volunteer at the local animal shelter

I find that it’s hard and I have to force myself to get there but once I am there I am lifted outside of myself and realize that as bad as I feel I still can be of service to another human being or an animal.

a lot of loss of interest in hobbies can be depression

all these things feel impossible when you are depressed which is what it sounds like is going on but I think the antidote for feeling like life is hopeless and meaningless is to put yourself in service of others

it is hard to feel sad when you are doing good for people who are genuine need

edited to add you could also be a peer mentor or big brother big sister and pay it forward all your experience with being bullied and how if effected you or write a short film about it and how it made you feel

theses experiences can be used for fuel your art instead of taking all your love for it away

 

[Señor Moreno]

Like Arral said, I think seeking profesional help may be the way to go. I know it's easier to say it than to find a good and helpful therapist (sp?), tho.

Yours is not a blame game, what your parents did was truly fucked and you are on your perfect right to feel mad about it.
You are at a low point in your life now, but you are 30 years old
Do you realize how young you are?

Five years ago I had and accident and lost my job and my career and got disabled. Forever. Was given a shitty monthly money. Not enough to live on.
Three months ago I got divorced after 20 years. I am close to 50 yo. and now I have to figure out where and how to live. My life is suddenly empty. By now I am more than thankfull for having a family willing to help.

But I can't let myself stop fighting, stop smiling, stop loving.
I am not bringing myself into a self-pity party.
I am not willing to see myself as a victim because I am not.
I refuse to grow bitter and become a cunt, losing my friends out of resentment and feeding myself dark thoughts.

And I am not that utterly positive person who allways see the half full bottle. Not at all. But I have lived enough to see how things change, how the imposible of today is the ordinary of tomorrow. I have seen my situation changing for the worst... why shouldn't it change one day for the best??

I know you won't believe me, but, by taking your time, you will find a job, you will find new, actual friends, you will find fun, sex, hobbies... If you want, you will find love again.

I don't have any recipe or advise to you, wish I had.
I can't tell you how, but we need to learn to put a safe distance between our problems and our true self, it is a kind of dissociative exercise that can yield nice results.

Also, I am a stoner, but there are times when cannabis makes you overthink these matters. If you're feeling depressed to some degree, avoid smoking if you can.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I've tried writing songs. Actually, i've been pretty desperate to write songs but I just can't seem to make it happen. I'm self taught and never had anyone to play with so I'm missing a lot of information and experience. No matter what I do, I just can't structure a complete song or make lyrics fit. I have endless reaper projects and they all amount to little more than a progression that I can't figure out how to build on or play over.

My work experience and how i'm supporting myself is sort of a long, pathetic and deeply embarrassing story. Don't worry, not doing anything illegal or dangerous and I do have a roof over my head but finding a job has been difficult

Hey, just trying is a step in the right direction! What's that old cheesy cliche? "If at first we don't succeed, try and try again." Or the other one? "A walk of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

A little about me. I'm completely self taught on acoustic guitar, never had a paid lesson in my life. Didn't even touch a guitar until I was 24 years old. Didn't play with others until I was like 35 years old. But between the time I learned my first three chords and the time I first played with another person, I had already written over 100 songs. I'm not trying to brag, I will however say that the first dozen or so songs I wrote were trash. I wrote about what were in my immediate surroundings, like weed and my cat. I started off trying to mimic John Prine. His songs are lyrically so simple and many of them seem to be written from the point of view and with the vocabulary of a child, which is exactly what I needed having never previously written a song. Not to mention Prine used very simple chord structures, like literally three chords and the truth.

I was never really one to do covers but I would use the chords and rhyme schemes of John Prine and others to write my own lyrics. It was great practice and eventually I became able to come up with my own progressions.

As for song structure and making lyrics fit, I recommend dissecting some Bob Dylan. He had/has a knack for creating (or stealing) all types of different and unique rhyme schemes as well as cramming as many syllables into a phrase as possible. IMO his style proves that many rules can and should be broken.

If you have some progressions down on reaper, that means you are probably very close to achieving something however tiny or miniscule it may be. If you haven't already, I recommend creating a Bluelight Discord account and checking out the Music section over there. I'm sure if you uploaded some of your progressions to soundcloud and posted them on Discord, that someone would be able to chime in and give you some pointers.

⫸STICKY⫷ - 📶 Bluelight Social Media Links + Discord #️⃣

NEW DISCORD LINK https://discord.gg/bluelight - OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA LINKS BELOW So, we have been undertaking and implementing a fairly ambitious endeavor to get Bluelight out there further into the cybersphere, and drive traffic to our forum. BUT... we need your help spreading the word and...

bluelight.org

 

[Ds]

@S-Dog

You are not alone , a good perspective to think is when you are having a terrible time, there is someone else out there having an even shittier time. Not saying we don't have bad times,

I'm wanting to speak with a mother whom lost her son because of an overdose, and now she has to deal with the funeral home, Her co worker mentioned that they had found tons of bodies in the back of a funeral home or something, and she doesn't know if that is her son's ashes or not in her urn.
That mom is having a shitty day.

I hope you can find peace.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi @S-Dog and welcome to The Dark Side You're part of a good community here now, so I hope you'll stay

I am really saddened to hear about how difficult and shitty things have been for you. Your struggles sound very similar to my husband's. His parents were incredibly shit, neglectful, irresponsible, emotionally abusive, he ended up running away from home in his early teens. He still has a lot of difficulty dealing with his emotions and coping with anxiety and low self worth, the immense damage that his parents did to him when he was just an innocent little boy. But he's getting better. We just had a baby boy ourselves actually. My husband has had a difficult transition to fatherhood because it's brought up a lot from his childhood. He finally said today that he's going to get some counselling. That was a huge relief for me to hear to be honest.

If and when you feel ready I honestly believe that you have so much to gain from working together with a good therapist. Are you male or female? (Don't answer that if you're not comfortable doing so). It sounds like you have a lot of really painful wounds that need to heal, and you deserve to know what it feels like to heal.

 

[S-Dog]

Hi @S-Dog and welcome to The Dark Side You're part of a good community here now, so I hope you'll stay

I am really saddened to hear about how difficult and shitty things have been for you. Your struggles sound very similar to my husband's. His parents were incredibly shit, neglectful, irresponsible, emotionally abusive, he ended up running away from home in his early teens. He still has a lot of difficulty dealing with his emotions and coping with anxiety and low self worth, the immense damage that his parents did to him when he was just an innocent little boy. But he's getting better. We just had a baby boy ourselves actually. My husband has had a difficult transition to fatherhood because it's brought up a lot from his childhood. He finally said today that he's going to get some counselling. That was a huge relief for me to hear to be honest.

If and when you feel ready I honestly believe that you have so much to gain from working together with a good therapist. Are you male or female? (Don't answer that if you're not comfortable doing so). It sounds like you have a lot of really painful wounds that need to heal, and you deserve to know what it feels like to heal.

i'm male. And i'm looking for a therapist but it's not being easy. none of them are accepting new patents because of covid... it looks like it could be months before I find anyone and to be honest... I don't know if I can keep handling this on my own in the meantime...

 

[PtahTek]

i use delta-8

We had a discussion on discord somewhere (confusing to me) and the subject of thc-o cessation was brought up with some bad withdrawal symptoms (me) on the third morning without it. I mean bad and depressing.
Another chimed in and wrote that not only did thc-o do this to him but so did d8 and d9. He was thinking he was the only one and never thought about posting I reckon.
Not saying the d8 ois causing this at all just throwing it out there.

it must be my fault in the end

It is not our fault that others trample on us daily. They been on my freakin neck since birth. Look around... everyone we see may outwardly show a smile but it is plastic as fuck. Everyone is a victim of exploitation or sapped for every bit of energy they have.
I am sorry.

 

[n3ophy7e]

i'm male. And i'm looking for a therapist but it's not being easy. none of them are accepting new patents because of covid... it looks like it could be months before I find anyone and to be honest... I don't know if I can keep handling this on my own in the meantime...

That is so frustrating, I'm sorry to hear that it's been difficult, especially when you're trying to do the right thing and get help and you feel like you're getting nowhere. What about online counselling services? I'm currently "seeing" my psychologist via online video calls and it's better than nothing If you have the energy and drive to look for a therapist and to start seeing a therapist, don't let the covid thing stop you. There are ways around it. And it definitely sounds like you want help The reason I asked your gender is because it's usually best that you see a therapist of the same gender as you, unless you would feel more comfortable speaking with the opposite sex.
I just want to reiterate what others have said, none of this is your fault. You had a rough start to life, your parents missed the mark on some things, they neglected some key parts of parenting and as a result your emotional growth greatly suffered. None of that is your fault. But unfortunately you're the one who has to wear it all. It is massively unfair, but you can still turn things around and learn all the things you missed out on. Things like controlling your emotions, self-soothing, sitting with uncomfortable feelings, setting appropriate personal boundaries, a good therapist can help you with this stuff.

 

[S-Dog]

That is so frustrating, I'm sorry to hear that it's been difficult, especially when you're trying to do the right thing and get help and you feel like you're getting nowhere. What about online counselling services? I'm currently "seeing" my psychologist via online video calls and it's better than nothing If you have the energy and drive to look for a therapist and to start seeing a therapist, don't let the covid thing stop you. There are ways around it. And it definitely sounds like you want help The reason I asked your gender is because it's usually best that you see a therapist of the same gender as you, unless you would feel more comfortable speaking with the opposite sex.
I just want to reiterate what others have said, none of this is your fault. You had a rough start to life, your parents missed the mark on some things, they neglected some key parts of parenting and as a result your emotional growth greatly suffered. None of that is your fault. But unfortunately you're the one who has to wear it all. It is massively unfair, but you can still turn things around and learn all the things you missed out on. Things like controlling your emotions, self-soothing, sitting with uncomfortable feelings, setting appropriate personal boundaries, a good therapist can help you with this stuff.

the therapists i've been contacting that are full have all been online.

 

[n3ophy7e]

the therapists i've been contacting that are full have all been online.

Oh I see. That must be really disheartening. I am sure there is another way, sometimes you just have to persist (which can take a LOT of energy, which you often don't have when you're depressed), or you get lucky and find a contact who can get a foot in the door with someone. For example the psychologist I'm currently seeing is a perinatal specialist who I got in with via a social worker at the hospital my newborn son was in the NICU at. If it weren't for that social worker I would've had no idea a perinatal psychologist even exists.
That's just an example.
Have you asked your doctor if they have any recommendations for a therapist? Sometimes they have good leads.
Where do you live by the way?

 

[S-Dog]

Oh I see. That must be really disheartening. I am sure there is another way, sometimes you just have to persist (which can take a LOT of energy, which you often don't have when you're depressed), or you get lucky and find a contact who can get a foot in the door with someone. For example the psychologist I'm currently seeing is a perinatal specialist who I got in with via a social worker at the hospital my newborn son was in the NICU at. If it weren't for that social worker I would've had no idea a perinatal psychologist even exists.
That's just an example.
Have you asked your doctor if they have any recommendations for a therapist? Sometimes they have good leads.
Where do you live by the way?

in in PA and don't really have a doctor

 

[PtahTek]

in PA

Insurance? I found it really easy to get it going here in PA (if its USA).
Hell they even called me and call every year to renew been twice now, Number is logged. lol

 

[S-Dog]

Insurance? I found it really easy to get it going here in PA (if its USA).
Hell they even called me and call every year to renew been twice now, Number is logged. lol

I unfortunately don't have insurance

 

[n3ophy7e]

I unfortunately don't have insurance

Ahhh shit. I'm not sure how it works in the States (I'm in Australia). Can you still see a doctor using your social security?

 

[S-Dog]

Ahhh shit. I'm not sure how it works in the States (I'm in Australia). Can you still see a doctor using your social security?

i can see a doctor if i pay out of pocket. it'll be the same with a therapist. but they have to allow out of pocket payment in the first place

 

[n3ophy7e]

i can see a doctor if i pay out of pocket. it'll be the same with a therapist. but they have to allow out of pocket payment in the first place

I see. Do you have the funds for that?
If not, there are free counselling services. You just often have to dig a bit deeper down the rabbit hole to find them.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I see. Do you have the funds for that?
If not, there are free counselling services. You just often have to dig a bit deeper down the rabbit hole to find them.

@S-Dog, this ^^

I'm not sure about PA but where I live, I was able to hunt down and find a list of sliding scale therapists. You still have to pay out-of-pocket but they charge based on your income. Sometimes you can even find a free one if they are counseling grad students at a local university. May not seem ideal but they are usually closely supervised by a more experienced therapist.

 

[wareika]

Hi S-Dog,

Real sorry to hear you've been on the rocks.

A lot of stuff swarms around us when we're in those places - the worthlessness, feeling we're basically flawed, that there couldnt be any more road ahead, that we've achieved less than anyone else alive, that our existence somehow doesn't compute or perhaps matter.

I get lost in all of the above. And it's like a sandstorm & a maze & extremely hard to convince myself that they aren't absolute truths.

To step outside of the sandstorm and move ahead involves an updated and undiluted map - a sense of where we're at, what our feelings are, recognising the influence of what has happened to us - things we haven't chosen but which left their mark anyway - We cannot undo those things.

Something else i can say for pretty certain is that trauma and its unresolved effects are alive and well in your life. Nothing to feel strange about. A wise friend of mine used to tell me '..we're living in the age of trauma'..a trauma zeitgeist)

I hope this clarity help you realize where you're at does make sense in a crazy kind of way.

So I really encourage you to explore any & all options for mental health / trauma-specific therapies that are available to you. Where i live in australia there's been an expansion for the number of appts i can have with mental health professionals this year due to COVID. Point is we often don't know what mental health assistance is available & funded by govt until we really dig around to discover it.

I hope you have the energy to do that with the help of any family/friends. The first stop is likely to be a GP - but your own research beforehand will be the key. I was able to find a list of trauma specialists that cater to low-income or unemployed people like me.

Somatic Experiencing & EMDR (Eye Movement Desentisation & Reprocessing) are 2 forms of therapy i have heard excellent results about. A few people actually have told me how powerful EMDR is. I'm interested in things like this because they are body/mind somatic based. I've tried SE twice with a specialist and was amazed by how it unleashed so much stuff below the surface. Colour, feeling, energy. Trippy! There is so much energy and life below the surface of traumatised people. Some more about EMDR: https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

For a general picture about trauma i *really* recommend books by Peter A. Levine's. Atm i am reading "Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma". Also a good overview of what types of therapy can help do this thing of gently unfolding trauma to its organic conclusion.

He describes the importance of coming into contact with the "feel sense" that your body-mind needs to process the trauma (tuning in, without judgement) We can start our journey again & again. And a professional will be able to confirm that where you're at & what you're feeling does make sense realizing acceptance of what traumatic events lived in us & shaped us. Its all living - which is why it requires some attention so it can come to a natural end, and the real you (and me) can begin a real beginning.

For those of us with traumas, we're already in it at this point. Still here. We can renew ourselves for real living, free of the prisons we've been thrust into. The therapies available atm are expanding, so i really hope you go discover any help available.