Mental Health The Rant Thread Vs. Really? How Does That Make You Feel?

[Jerry Atrick]

Hello fellow Mental Healthers,

Welcome to our very own vent/rant thread. Anything bothering you?

This thread will be a little more laid back as far as topics are concerned but that doesn't mean it is a Wild West free-for-all either. Please be respectful of other people's feelings and do not post any material that could be triggering. As always, the Mental Health Forum Guidelines as well as Bluelight User Agreement (BLUA) are still in effect. Rude and/or abusive language will not be tolerated.

So step inside.... Let us know you you really feel.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Speaking of how we really feel, a few months ago I had a therapist who followed that cliche to a T.

He offered zero advice, guidance, suggestions, anything honestly. All he would do is ask me to reveal something and then literally try to get me to describe what I physically felt after saying it. I was like Dude, I'm pretty heavily medicated on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants and don't really feel what you're asking me to feel. It got to the point where I was almost convincing myself that I was feeling something even though I wasn't, just to give him fodder. Needless to say, after a few sessions I realized it was going nowhere and cancelled him.

 

[Eligiu]

I had an experience with someone recently and I'll keep it as vague as possible. I requested some help. Someone sort of put their own conditions on it which arose from their situation. Didn't approach the situation with an open mind which is what this requires. Gave a whole bunch of frankly shocking advice after not really listening and not bothering to clarify what they didn't interpret correctly, misinterpreting statements I made and made it seem like I was existing my substance use when my actual statement was that injecting meth is actually as a matter of fact less harmful to me than severe third degree burns and until I resolve the reasons behind all my self destructive behaviour I'll continue to swap and subtitute them in. They suggested I work on one at a time and I said I have tried but it doesn't work. They kept asking what exactly I wanted and I was trying to explain but they kept jumping in to add more shit advice. Eventually I explained a therapy activity my trauma therapist (who is very good) walked me through. This person took issue with it. The activity is writing something along the lines of 'given my history of abuse that I blame myself for it is understandable that I would develop self destructive behaviours to engage in often' and I think he interpreted it as excusing the behaviour when it's actually just allowing yourself some self compassion.

The guy had the fucking audacity to suggest I get a new therapist - yes thanks random internet stranger who I've spoken to for 5 minutes you sure know best. Then he goes 'i need to leave this conversation because it's really hard for me.' which look fair, but like don't tap in if you're gonna tap out so early, especially considering it made me feel like I'd done something wrong and somehow managed to fuck up asking for help.

Plus it was odd that the nature of the place strongly implied that when I stated initially at the start I wanted advice with IV users that I *probably* was also that kind of user but he opens with how he used to do meth and wouldn't recommend it and I'm like well. You're about 7-8 years late there.

Cut to then asking me if I'm in active addiction, and I dislike that phrase because I find in 12 step fellowships it's used as a loaded term filled with shame. And I told the truth. I'm In recovery. I attend regular treatment, take maintenance therapy, and my goal is still a drug free life. 12 steps do not have a monopoly on what recover means. But I probably annoyed him with that. Goes on to ask if I'm high and I say barely which is the truth, and this is what I mean about his own conditions. Help in this place specifically is given freely regardless of where someone is in recovery or addiction and unless they're being rude or aggressive, their current status of being high or sober is redundant. I get the feeling he was using those questions to guage me up and I didn't pass the test.

So after It all, he probably disengaged thinking I didnt want help and I wanted to stay in addiction. I didn't want his help because I thought it was crap. A second person arrived and gave me the most astoundingly helpful insight and advice I've been given for ages. They were empathetic, kind, compassionate, inquisitive, curios, asked questions to clarify, restated things, and professed when they were out of their depth. I'm so glad they came second because it restored my faith. The two really couldn't be compared.

The first guy had messaged me. I messaged back but then I felt obliged to tell him he hadn't done an amazing job as Honestly I would want to know if I unintentionally did something wrong when meaning to help. I now get that he probably didn't want to hear it. But also as a person in charge there I actually felt like the people doing the job he professed to do have a certain standard to maintain and if I'd have been fresh in the channel and my only interaction was him? I probably would have left straight after. And that worries me. It went very awry. To me, the correct thing to do when a person in a position of authority gives you constructive feedback on a role you are upholding in that place you should accept it, reflect, learn from it, and change your approach.

He went into a rant going 'look I don't really know what you want from me but I'm not going to give it to you' (I would like you to do this job better with less pre judgement and more consideratation)

Then 'i deal with active addicts all the time it's very draining' (so throwing my drug use at me which funnily enough you only knew because of the prior interaction so you misused a support duty job to sling that at me, as well as the old 'activw addict' derogatory statement in an attempt to shame me into silence'

I explained that my use currently would be deemed recreational. I work, play sport, hang out with friends, pay my bills, engage in various hobbies. It's bad for my mental health but it's not intruding on much.

'whatever man' (lol ok let's just get dismissive instead of acknowledging that you may have done the wrong thing here because I didn't do things your way and you got frustrated.

And then blocked me and I am honestly like Jesus I would ban you for that I have literally zero energy for people who get a couple months or years clean then treat still using people worse than trash and weaponise the 'active addiction' label to literally dismiss any valid criticism of anything at all they may have as illegitimate because oh they're using therefore they cannot be trusted.

I just really fucking despite the holier than thou attitude.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I had an experience with someone recently and I'll keep it as vague as possible. I requested some help. Someone sort of put their own conditions on it which arose from their situation. Didn't approach the situation with an open mind which is what this requires. Gave a whole bunch of frankly shocking advice after not really listening and not bothering to clarify what they didn't interpret correctly, misinterpreting statements I made and made it seem like I was existing my substance use when my actual statement was that injecting meth is actually as a matter of fact less harmful to me than severe third degree burns and until I resolve the reasons behind all my self destructive behaviour I'll continue to swap and subtitute them in. They suggested I work on one at a time and I said I have tried but it doesn't work. They kept asking what exactly I wanted and I was trying to explain but they kept jumping in to add more shit advice. Eventually I explained a therapy activity my trauma therapist (who is very good) walked me through. This person took issue with it. The activity is writing something along the lines of 'given my history of abuse that I blame myself for it is understandable that I would develop self destructive behaviours to engage in often' and I think he interpreted it as excusing the behaviour when it's actually just allowing yourself some self compassion.

The guy had the fucking audacity to suggest I get a new therapist - yes thanks random internet stranger who I've spoken to for 5 minutes you sure know best. Then he goes 'i need to leave this conversation because it's really hard for me.' which look fair, but like don't tap in if you're gonna tap out so early, especially considering it made me feel like I'd done something wrong and somehow managed to fuck up asking for help.

Plus it was odd that the nature of the place strongly implied that when I stated initially at the start I wanted advice with IV users that I *probably* was also that kind of user but he opens with how he used to do meth and wouldn't recommend it and I'm like well. You're about 7-8 years late there.

Cut to then asking me if I'm in active addiction, and I dislike that phrase because I find in 12 step fellowships it's used as a loaded term filled with shame. And I told the truth. I'm In recovery. I attend regular treatment, take maintenance therapy, and my goal is still a drug free life. 12 steps do not have a monopoly on what recover means. But I probably annoyed him with that. Goes on to ask if I'm high and I say barely which is the truth, and this is what I mean about his own conditions. Help in this place specifically is given freely regardless of where someone is in recovery or addiction and unless they're being rude or aggressive, their current status of being high or sober is redundant. I get the feeling he was using those questions to guage me up and I didn't pass the test.

So after It all, he probably disengaged thinking I didnt want help and I wanted to stay in addiction. I didn't want his help because I thought it was crap. A second person arrived and gave me the most astoundingly helpful insight and advice I've been given for ages. They were empathetic, kind, compassionate, inquisitive, curios, asked questions to clarify, restated things, and professed when they were out of their depth. I'm so glad they came second because it restored my faith. The two really couldn't be compared.

The first guy had messaged me. I messaged back but then I felt obliged to tell him he hadn't done an amazing job as Honestly I would want to know if I unintentionally did something wrong when meaning to help. I now get that he probably didn't want to hear it. But also as a person in charge there I actually felt like the people doing the job he professed to do have a certain standard to maintain and if I'd have been fresh in the channel and my only interaction was him? I probably would have left straight after. And that worries me. It went very awry. To me, the correct thing to do when a person in a position of authority gives you constructive feedback on a role you are upholding in that place you should accept it, reflect, learn from it, and change your approach.

He went into a rant going 'look I don't really know what you want from me but I'm not going to give it to you' (I would like you to do this job better with less pre judgement and more consideratation)

Then 'i deal with active addicts all the time it's very draining' (so throwing my drug use at me which funnily enough you only knew because of the prior interaction so you misused a support duty job to sling that at me, as well as the old 'activw addict' derogatory statement in an attempt to shame me into silence'

I explained that my use currently would be deemed recreational. I work, play sport, hang out with friends, pay my bills, engage in various hobbies. It's bad for my mental health but it's not intruding on much.

'whatever man' (lol ok let's just get dismissive instead of acknowledging that you may have done the wrong thing here because I didn't do things your way and you got frustrated.

And then blocked me and I am honestly like Jesus I would ban you for that I have literally zero energy for people who get a couple months or years clean then treat still using people worse than trash and weaponise the 'active addiction' label to literally dismiss any valid criticism of anything at all they may have as illegitimate because oh they're using therefore they cannot be trusted.

I just really fucking despite the holier than thou attitude.

Damn, that sounds like it was a brutal experience. Are you or were you able to have any repeat visits with the second, more empathetic person?

 

[Eligiu]

Damn, that sounds like it was a brutal experience. Are you or were you able to have any repeat visits with the second, more empathetic person?

Yeah I added them to privately message them as they're also trans and my age, so theu and I could connect. We've been talking about heaps of other stuff too. It was good.

 

[hylite]

The depression is getting worse. I feel like it has killed me. I am trying to live again. But I don't make enough of an effort, I think. It's just that for some reason I have no energy so I can barely even try to make an effort anymore even brief moments when I really want to. I think when I break down and start to cry as hard as I can and then ask God for more help again I will do much better. I am still just too weak currently however. Last summer was really bad, stressful. And two summer's ago I was stricken with painful cluster headache attacks. I am running out of time. I have to try to do better and have to start as soon as possible. I didn't do well today. I am going to do one more dab for the night to try to feel as best as possible. This takes the least amount of energy for the best possible of a result. Please God, I can't sit through therapy. It would kill me faster than I am almost done right now. I am so full of despair. Life can be so ridiculous. Thank you for your thread, though. Thank you.

 

[hylite]

I finally gave up energy drinks. All of them. Thank you @AutoTripper for all of you empathy and truth. You are such an inspiration at such a dire time for me currently.
I wish you all the best and all that you deserve from all of your kindness that you share with others. I am not trying to be a whiner. I just have a very real tough time with stress from forever but lately I just want to give up and just cry. I hope this will be the tipping point that will snap me out of my weakness of just wanting to give up forever. At least I gave up those poison energy drinks that were not helping in the long run. So maybe, maybe that was a start. I feel so bad though I can barely tell if a difference is even being made at all yet.

 

[AutoTripper]

I finally gave up energy drinks. All of them. Thank you @AutoTripper for all of you empathy and truth. You are such an inspiration at such a dire time for me currently.
I wish you all the best and all that you deserve from all of your kindness that you share with others. I am not trying to be a whiner. I just have a very real tough time with stress from forever but lately I just want to give up and just cry. I hope this will be the tipping point that will snap me out of my weakness of just wanting to give up forever. At least I gave up those poison energy drinks that were not helping in the long run. So maybe, maybe that was a start. I feel so bad though I can barely tell if a difference is even being made at all yet.

You just gotta hold tough girl, patience!

How you feel mentally, emotionally will change massively once the terrible poisons are removed and replaced with actual fuel, sustenance and medicine.

Your outlook will more than brighten.

And lol, not helping in the long run!

Haha imagine a knight on battlefield taking fresh arrows 5 times daily saying that.


Really I promise, it's not near as bad, (or hopeless at all) as you can't help to see presently.

If we sat down with some coffee or something acceptable I could elaborate on this so much further and so clearly with definitive guide and instruction almost every step of the way regarding general dietary practise and how this massively affects our mental and emotional mindset as well as physical well-being.

You are right in the crossfire still, wounded from it. You just need to remove yourself from that battle plane and treat yourself rightly which is so much easier than I know you imagine or cannot conceive mentally right now and healing will automatically commence but as things are you have not quite taken this step yet you are mentally and emotionally preparing and the suffering you are going through will ironically serve as the motivating tool all going forward and as invaluable reflection to appreciate where you are going and why to commit.

The energy drinks is probably about 4% of the actual underlying cause diet wise of how you feel.

A simple revamp is required. Trust me, be patient, give it time, go all the way without actually needing to go out of your way, and I bet you will be so thankful in near time honestly.

Just gotta step off the crash course first. Into the right shoes.

Now this! Alone. But the elimination of fake toxic garbage is still paramount.

Will change your life. FAST.

I swear. It's easy too. Make this happen. We will bring in the rest as the treacherous old is discarded.




If only you appreciated exactly why you feel how you do, and how fast and far you will move uphill once on track....well you'd be taking some great solace now despite the current pain.


I say this here as if sending a basic important Morse code message.

Pure absolute fundamentals broken down to emphasise bottom line and gist.

It's really frustrating to me that I can't grab this bull's horns for you and straighten them out, smooth the edges off already.

At least get a decent 3D model to look at. My present energy and cognitive state is so limiting. My own survival is in such balance. Mentally I am in what old English call "Dire straits" also a UK rock band lol.

Physically it's been pure mind over matter and miracle all the way.


I am having such serious problems with my nerves though. The direct impact Covid has had on me really trumps everything in life by a giant Beanstalk.

I have gone technically insane recently. Covid does this. They all speak about....virus, biology, immunity, politics! Etc.

Covid is another level. It's spirutual. Like, demonic. Employed at this stage of the great spiritual war to divide and conquer.

I am working so hard to just keep my mind here too. Drugs never made me feel this way.


This song inspires me lately. Forever we will be. This is a moment.



Stay positive in mind for now @hylite
Doesn't mean being happy, yet.

Belief though and I don't just mean wishful thinking. But genuine belief.

I want to help you with this. I'm so helpless atm though.

I really need a good acid trip but Covid has made it impossible for now.

Very faint atm, 2 hrs sleep, toilets, not restful so unwanted really drugs, will be a sickly day as nerves already fired up by my mum always waking SO early with this major nerve grating chinese water drop torture style helpless sudden cyclical cough hours on end every 49 seconds, then 45, 41, 37, 2 mins, 20 seconds, over hours.


I know I know, but tell my physical nerves and their memory this, they can't help blow through the roof at key triggers.

 

[AbbeyLee]

The depression is getting worse. I feel like it has killed me. I am trying to live again. But I don't make enough of an effort, I think. It's just that for some reason I have no energy so I can barely even try to make an effort anymore even brief moments when I really want to. I think when I break down and start to cry as hard as I can and then ask God for more help again I will do much better. I am still just too weak currently however. Last summer was really bad, stressful. And two summer's ago I was stricken with painful cluster headache attacks. I am running out of time. I have to try to do better and have to start as soon as possible. I didn't do well today. I am going to do one more dab for the night to try to feel as best as possible. This takes the least amount of energy for the best possible of a result. Please God, I can't sit through therapy. It would kill me faster than I am almost done right now. I am so full of despair. Life can be so ridiculous. Thank you for your thread, though. Thank you.

I can relate to a lot of this

You probably make a big effort and are doing better than you think. I have to tell myself these things constantly, sometimes out loud. I don't know *why* we are so hard on ourselves.. Probably something to do with my social-climbing mother who has always been ridiculously judgemental and critical.

At least the days are getting shorter and colder. I need the dark half of the year so badly.

Be kind to yourself..

Abbey x

 

[AbbeyLee]

this major nerve grating chinese water drop torture style helpless sudden cyclical cough hours on end every 49 seconds, then 45, 41, 37, 2 mins, 20 seconds, over hours.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

The depression is getting worse. I feel like it has killed me. I am trying to live again. But I don't make enough of an effort, I think. It's just that for some reason I have no energy so I can barely even try to make an effort anymore even brief moments when I really want to. I think when I break down and start to cry as hard as I can and then ask God for more help again I will do much better. I am still just too weak currently however. Last summer was really bad, stressful. And two summer's ago I was stricken with painful cluster headache attacks. I am running out of time. I have to try to do better and have to start as soon as possible. I didn't do well today. I am going to do one more dab for the night to try to feel as best as possible. This takes the least amount of energy for the best possible of a result. Please God, I can't sit through therapy. It would kill me faster than I am almost done right now. I am so full of despair. Life can be so ridiculous. Thank you for your thread, though. Thank you.

Hey @hylite, I know you and I have not interacted much on here but it looks like you and @AutoTripper have had some conversations. I don't have much to add that AutoTripper didn't say other than I think a good cry can be very therapeutic and is absolutely not a sign of weakness. There are times I wish I could cry but I'm pretty much unable to do so, not from any form of feeling macho, but because I've been on psych meds for so long that I am essentially numb to extremes in emotion.

Aside from that, I'm not sure how long you were on energy drinks or how long you have been off them. I found when I quit coffee that probably 80% of my anxiety, and general feeling of not being able to relax or find calmness, went out the window. After quitting coffee, well once the headaches went away, I finally was able to sleep better at night, which in and of itself can work wonders for one's mental health. Not to mention being hungry and eating better again as stimulants such as caffeine can cause dysregulation of the appetite.

I truly hope you are able to find equilibrium and peace for your body and mind

 

[AutoTripper]

Hey @hylite, I know you and I have not interacted much on here but it looks like you and @AutoTripper have had some conversations. I don't have much to add that AutoTripper didn't say other than I think a good cry can be very therapeutic and is absolutely not a sign of weakness. There are times I wish I could cry but I'm pretty much unable to do so, not from any form of feeling macho, but because I've been on psych meds for so long that I am essentially numb to extremes in emotion.

Aside from that, I'm not sure how long you were on energy drinks or how long you have been off them. I found when I quit coffee that probably 80% of my anxiety, and general feeling of not being able to relax or find calmness, went out the window. After quitting coffee, well once the headaches went away, I finally was able to sleep better at night, which in and of itself can work wonders for one's mental health. Not to mention being hungry and eating better again as stimulants such as caffeine can cause dysregulation of the appetite.

I truly hope you are able to find equilibrium and peace for your body and mind

I support that.

Crying heals.

Anger damages.

I know exactly what you mean too about wanting to cry (it's a need, with function, never a weakness, I actually consider it a strength)

But for years I could never get into it.

I have overcome this, past 6 months,

Able to let go. Release the hurt and grief, but not just dwelling IN it in a miserable state of self pity (no tef to anybody certainly not hylite), because wallowing in pain is not releasing it.

It can be so releasing too. And opens the heart too.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'd like to cry about my GF just leaving me but I think the meds stop me. I'd like to cry about my dad dying 18 years ago but I think the meds stop me. I probably want to cry about being a total ass-hole to my entire family for 25 years but it never comes out. I well-up sometimes in films or with particular pieces of music but it never comes out. The last time it happened was after a row we'd had (ex-GF) and she left and went to work and I felt awful and had to cry into a towel, so it is in there somewhere but I still had to hide it from myself.

 

[Eligiu]

I'm gonna fucking cry bad the very next time someone tells me I'm 'not that autistic' because I did something that they don't understand from their autistic point of view. I may actually cry. It is bad enough having services say this to me so they can deny the support all the official reports have suggested, but when laypeople say it too? Today's was some guy telling me in this forum or a related one, that I was just being an asshole for not picking up a guy I invited over to have lunch and work on a puzzle that he wanted sex and I was just being rude and using the autism (that I wasn't diagnosed with at that time) as an excuse.

Like sorry? So because this dude misinterpreted a direct statement of 'come over and have lunch then we can work on a puzzle' as sex, I'm somehow obliged to indulge this? And if I don't, I'm somehow deliberately misleading them?

I. Did. Not. Pick. It. Up.

Just because some people are mildly affected by autism, doesn't mean we all share that privilege.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

I have some real issues being myself that I'm trying to work on. It's hard for me to negotiate the merge between what is expected of me and what it is truly like to behave like me. Can be confusing!

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I have some real issues being myself that I'm trying to work on. It's hard for me to negotiate the merge between what is expected of me and what it is truly like to behave like me. Can be confusing!

I know how you feel. Like all my life when I was about to go to work, people usually family would say, "Don't work too hard." Well does that mean I shouldn't work hard or that I should work hard as some kind of reverse psychology. Still haven't figured this out.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I know how you feel. Like all my life when I was about to go to work, people usually family would say, "Don't work too hard." Well does that mean I shouldn't work hard or that I should work hard as some kind of reverse psychology. Still haven't figured this out.

Omfg this reminds me of my mum. She was always a perfect domestic goddess, one of the most intelligent and successful women I ever knew, never put a foot wrong, was extremely well-mannered, tactful, a perfectionist...well, you get the picture.
Every time I would spend a considerable amount of time and effort doing something to appease her, e.g. homework, cleaning my room, trying to learn a new skill like cooking or piano or embroidery etc, I would proudly present my completed efforts to her, hoping for some kind of positive feedback and encouragement!!!!
I got the same response every time.....

"Well, love...that's a good start..."

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Omfg this reminds me of my mum. She was always a perfect domestic goddess, one of the most intelligent and successful women I ever knew, never put a foot wrong, was extremely well-mannered, tactful, a perfectionist...well, you get the picture.
Every time I would spend a considerable amount of time and effort doing something to appease her, e.g. homework, cleaning my room, trying to learn a new skill like cooking or piano or embroidery etc, I would proudly present my completed efforts to her, hoping for some kind of positive feedback and encouragement!!!!
I got the same response every time.....

"Well, love...that's a good start..."

I know, right? My dad always considered me lazy for wanting to be efficient in my labors. I've always been a work smart, not hard type of person. Like if someone did something half-assed, he would say, "It looks like they did a [my name] job." So in turn, if someone overdid something like he was prone to do (think killing a fly with a sledgehammer), I would call it the [dad's name] overdo. Parents and their unwillingness to validate our efforts

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I feel like I have reached a crossroads with my current therapist.

We had been meeting via video chat every week since like November 2021. At first she was just getting to know me as I told her my story. She would give me advice and pointers and activities like suggesting I do things to stimulate my vagus nerve, make it outside more often, and even yoga; I still haven't started the yoga.

Due to billing issues with her office, we started meeting every other week until we sorted through my insurance and stuff. Now that the billing issues have been resolved, we are continuing to meet every other week mainly because I just don't have much going on in my life. All that said, our sessions have kind of evolved from her leading me to improve myself to her only listening to me and not much else. I mean I understand the importance of having someone to listen but I feel like she should offer more that just an ear.

Am I wrong here? I usually let her take the lead and ask me questions like how I've been doing since we last met, how's my living situation, how's the job. But other than that, not much happens. Even if I tell her something like an awful dream I had where I literally jumped out of bed and woke up when I hit my head on something, she couldn't offer much insight. I asked her advice on how to deal with someone who I was having problems with and she was abruptly like avoid that person when they act that way, Next?

So my actual question is, should I dump her or at the least communicate my problem with her and see if she changes? I don't want to be a pushover and keep the status quo but I also don't want to come off as being unreasonable or even non-compliant with therapy.

I know I'm a paying customer and ultimately it's up to me what I wanna do. It's just a pain in the ass searching for new therapists and finding one with the right personality. I really do like her, I just feel like I'm not getting what I signed up for.

 

[Bleaney]

I definitely think that you should communicate openly with her, in the most constructive way possible of course. I have had a few courses of therapy and counseling over the years, and I definitely found that bringing my concerns, doubts or fears to the table, even if they were about the process of the therapy, helped move things forward, either with the therapy itself, or if the therapist is a proper professional she may start thinking along the lines of 'ok maybe we might need to look at something else that might be of more benefit to you'

You should absolutely be open to discuss your concerns, and that will either improve things, or maybe suggest a different approach, maybe with a different therapist. I found that if I didn't discuss my concerns then I didn't get much out of things until I did.