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Venting Who else is surprised they did not die from overuse?

punkndrublic said:
thank you, and thanks for replying. i guess i just wanted to start talking about my brother, he yesterday finally managed to OD, after like at least 5 or 6 times waking up in hospital, at least once with 2 weeks coma. and yeah, now he did manage to, and i cant understand putting himself and his family to that risk. i love him to bits, and i certainly understand his love for substances. we still dont know what went wrong, seems he had his tolerance go down due to some waiting for a shippment, or maybe it was bad stuff (partner tells us "synthetic H" and sadly enough probs synthatic cannabis). went to bed in good spirit, apparently got up later to re-dose or whatever and next thing vomit all over the place and noway to get him breathing. he was certainly aware of dangers, he forwarded this site when i got prescribed anti depressants and benzos and then painkillers. he had mad tolerance for pregabalin (3g is what he admitted to) and oxy, would take 100mg of valium before doing h. i have great support from my partner, from friends, but i was kinda the only one who had a bit of a glimpse into the world of chemicals beyond weed and booze, i guess that s why i posted. only made this account few weeks ago cos i didnt get ahold of my brother and wanted to ask about some pain medication strategy. funny enough that pain as well as my anxiety is kinda just gone now. i couldnt get my self to take any of my prescribed meds since my dad called, but somehow my brain seems to take care of that now without outside chems.
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punkndrublic said:
i am just realizing that not every OD is final and fatal; his was
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I'm sorry this happened to your brother. I am glad you found bluelight and are able to come here to help process some of what you may be feeling right now. If he was a member here, please feel free to add a memorial to the Bluelight Shrine https://bluelight.org/xf/forums/bluelight-shrine.89/

Do you mind if I ask, what are the prescribed meds that you are foregoing? You don't have to divulge which specific meds, the only reason I ask is that certain meds like the psychiatric variety can make things worse if they are stopped cold turkey.
 
Jerry Atrick said:
I'm sorry this happened to your brother. I am glad you found bluelight and are able to come here to help process some of what you may be feeling right now. If he was a member here, please feel free to add a memorial to the Bluelight Shrine https://bluelight.org/xf/forums/bluelight-shrine.89/

Do you mind if I ask, what are the prescribed meds that you are foregoing? You don't have to divulge which specific meds, the only reason I ask is that certain meds like the psychiatric variety can make things worse if they are stopped cold turkey.
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thank you for replying

i wouldnt know his username, but yes, i was thinking of that, too, i am sure this site saved his live many times

thank you for your concern, its oxys and pregabalin now, the psycho meds (mainly amtitryptalin, valium) i had to / wanted to stop when i had to start painkillers for sciatica over a year ago. i have been reducing oxy and pregabalin for a long time now (from prescribed 60 down to 25 respectivley 450 to 150), i do not feel any too bad wd from that right now, some cold symptoms but that might be the grief cry as well - but thank you for caring
 
I'm super lucky to be alive.

I once spilled a spoonful of meth in a tent then I sucked it up into a syringe and injected it into my arm. I started coughing and choking immediately, but I didn't die. Years later, in the middle of a psychotic episode, I started scooping shit out from the gaps in my floorboards and injecting it. I was 100% convinced - at the time - it was crystal. In retrospect, I probably injected asbestos or table salt or something.
 
I always thought I was virtually indestructible and immune from opioid+benzo OD, and I was.

The thing that actually almost killed me funny enough was the "research chemical" known as etaqualone (a "Quaalude" analog). One minute I was smoking it, next thing I know it's six days later and i wake up in the ICU with an intubation tube down my throat. I start gagging of course and instinctively I start pulling it out of my throat, and they run and strap down my arms and finish taking it out. The first thing someone says to me, a nurse, "did you try to do this to yourself?" (ie suicide). Then i realized oh shit that fucking etaqualone.

They were worried I would have brain damage since when i taken there I was blue and not breathing at all. I was fine of course. Though I felt like for around 6 months after something in me was missing.
 
SoCalShordie said:
Yup lol y’all know I’m all about the Henny haha. I’m so glad I’m through with opiates and benzos for good, no matter how delicious they might be for a moment in time.
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good on you :) i guess i am lucky that i am a totally afraid of everything person, i never got myself to take large amounts of anything depressant that would get me a high that was really enjoyable - besides crazy amounts of alcohol and the risks of being drunk in public when i was young. paranoia and fear that i d take too much and would be found dead by my partner would totally ruin any brief euphoria or rush i would get from oxys when i first got them prescribed, and those fears would go up exponentially with higher doses
 
Eldritch Palmer said:
No. That's no way to be.
You have an anxiety disorder.
Go slam some goat milk!
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yes, you are totally right, fear crippled me for way too long. i did however make some really unprecedented progress the last few weeks, like going out and swimming in the ocean for the first time in over 15 years; i hope i can work on that, the high i got from splashing in the ocean like a child was still leaves me impressed lol
 
Last month I dreamt that I relapsed and shot up the meth only it wasn’t any good. Instead of the rush I immediately had the heart attack followed by nothing but tension, ears were hot and I was grinding so hard I cracked my teeth. It was shitty.. and then a week later I actually had a heart attack. That’s my second one.. fucking 35 years old man.

Lately I’ve just been thinking about all of it and it breaks my heart to think as much as I know I used meth to self medicate and that it personally helps me with my adhd.. I can’t help but feel the pain, agony, aches and pains, all the injuries and whatever damage has been done to my insides because of my drug use.

I wish I would of at least gotten the meth from doctors this whole time rather then off the streets but I guess it doesn’t matter now. I’ve just gotta worry about staying sober and not killing myself. Finding my purpose and trying to figure out how I can make a positive impact and heal the world some how so when I die I can leave something good behind and not die just another failed man that people forget about. I don’t know.
 
FallenOne86 said:
Last month I dreamt that I relapsed and shot up the meth only it wasn’t any good. Instead of the rush I immediately had the heart attack followed by nothing but tension, ears were hot and I was grinding so hard I cracked my teeth. It was shitty.. and then a week later I actually had a heart attack. That’s my second one.. fucking 35 years old man.

Lately I’ve just been thinking about all of it and it breaks my heart to think as much as I know I used meth to self medicate and that it personally helps me with my adhd.. I can’t help but feel the pain, agony, aches and pains, all the injuries and whatever damage has been done to my insides because of my drug use.

I wish I would of at least gotten the meth from doctors this whole time rather then off the streets but I guess it doesn’t matter now. I’ve just gotta worry about staying sober and not killing myself. Finding my purpose and trying to figure out how I can make a positive impact and heal the world some how so when I die I can leave something good behind and not die just another failed man that people forget about. I don’t know.
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hey mate,

i am no expert and have probs too many issues myself to given much worthy advice, but i d say that you have and articulate the will to improve your life is already an important step, and it is admirable that you want to heal the world - maybe start really looking after yourself first. you mention you body, maybe start with that as a goal. your loved ones will love you for just doing that, and it will improve their lives. that s already a positive impact. and if you then got energy left and make the world a better place, for few or for many, well then respect! if it took your journey so far to get there - the pain and demons might have been worth it.
or maybe your post here just inspired someone to take a turn for the better in whatever way. dont worry about becoming or being a failed man.

all the best!
 
punkndrublic said:
hey mate,

i am no expert and have probs too many issues myself to given much worthy advice, but i d say that you have and articulate the will to improve your life is already an important step, and it is admirable that you want to heal the world - maybe start really looking after yourself first. you mention you body, maybe start with that as a goal. your loved ones will love you for just doing that, and it will improve their lives. that s already a positive impact. and if you then got energy left and make the world a better place, for few or for many, well then respect! if it took your journey so far to get there - the pain and demons might have been worth it.
or maybe your post here just inspired someone to take a turn for the better in whatever way. dont worry about becoming or being a failed man.

all the best!
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I needed to hear this right now!! You had no idea especially this very second! I appreciate you saying that! I’ll keep this in mind and start taking better care of myself and not being so hard on myself because of the past. Still working out and eating clean but boy I love my cheat days! I checked my body fat though and I’m not gonna lie I almost cried when it said 8% body fat because I know I’ve been getting jacked again but I figured I’d at least 12% or 13% but I was way off and haven’t been giving myself that much credit but the gym has helped tremendously with my sobriety. That and boxing. Life has been rather odd. People seem so damn detached now days it kinda breaks my heart seeing that. Wasn’t like this a few years back man.
 
FallenOne86 said:
I needed to hear this right now!! You had no idea especially this very second! I appreciate you saying that! I’ll keep this in mind and start taking better care of myself and not being so hard on myself because of the past. Still working out and eating clean but boy I love my cheat days! I checked my body fat though and I’m not gonna lie I almost cried when it said 8% body fat because I know I’ve been getting jacked again but I figured I’d at least 12% or 13% but I was way off and haven’t been giving myself that much credit but the gym has helped tremendously with my sobriety. That and boxing. Life has been rather odd. People seem so damn detached now days it kinda breaks my heart seeing that. Wasn’t like this a few years back man.
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hahaha - see, and your reply in return gave me a smile i really, really needed all day!

yeah, dont be to hard on yourself about your past, we cant change that anyway, right. i spent too much time judging my past, that is so often a waste of time and energy. often i mix that with self pity and how unfair everything is.

sports or other natural highs, man, i am not kidding, i so just very recently learned that myself. how high i can get from things i never even considered doing sober. why have sex sober, if i can do it baked as well, i used to say. i m feeling pleasures that might have been totally masked for decades.

gym and go sweat! :)
 
Right! What if we could all just take a deep breath first thing in the morning when we wake up, go outside, seduce the day making love to the air sending our energy out and telling ourselves we have enough happiness to share.

If we can encourage each other and listen to the people around us. Even the sullen have something to add! I just want us all to be happy you know? Tired of hearing something negative in the news.. politics, war.. enough bullshit you know?
 
FallenOne86 said:
Right! What if we could all just take a deep breath first thing in the morning when we wake up, go outside, seduce the day making love to the air sending our energy out and telling ourselves we have enough happiness to share.

If we can encourage each other and listen to the people around us. Even the sullen have something to add! I just want us all to be happy you know? Tired of hearing something negative in the news.. politics, war.. enough bullshit you know?
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let s all try that :) lets say something nice to somebody when we think it, lets be a bit less egoistic and greedy.

much love and strength to you!
 
This forum helped me when i misused opioids years ago. The suicide of my sister, a terrible back injury and then coping with avoidance that led to a dark time in another country had me thinking I wouldn't make it. The opioids didn't exceed a very high dose but lazy harm reduction to APAP coupled with high pregabalin and feeling hopeless made death seem inevitable. Quitting those wasn't ever terrible for me physically but psychologically. Honestly, the biggest harm any medication damage I have had was incurred by older "designer steroid" bullshit. 1-AD and all the methylated compounds even at the lower dosages weren't that safe...at least for my genetics. 3 weeks of those and I would have ALT elevations (liver enzyme). I became quite entrenched in learning about the effects of many herbal supps and weight lifting supps on hepatoxicity. Scary stuff. Scarier is the dearth of real large scale international studies on NAFLD, NASH etc.
 
ResolvedCore said:
This forum helped me when i misused opioids years ago. The suicide of my sister, a terrible back injury and then coping with avoidance that led to a dark time in another country had me thinking I wouldn't make it. The opioids didn't exceed a very high dose but lazy harm reduction to APAP coupled with high pregabalin and feeling hopeless made death seem inevitable. Quitting those wasn't ever terrible for me physically but psychologically. Honestly, the biggest harm any medication damage I have had was incurred by older "designer steroid" bullshit. 1-AD and all the methylated compounds even at the lower dosages weren't that safe...at least for my genetics. 3 weeks of those and I would have ALT elevations (liver enzyme). I became quite entrenched in learning about the effects of many herbal supps and weight lifting supps on hepatoxicity. Scary stuff. Scarier is the dearth of real large scale international studies on NAFLD, NASH etc.
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Damn I do miss this days! I remember back in 2005-2006 when I took Spawn which had Epistane and Tren and I blew up! Gained 17 pounds and kept 11.. but orals are taxing on the liver and kidneys and I felt like crap on cycle and the lethargy affected my workouts but I still got great results from it. I think it was my second or third cycle. Now it’s just boring ole TRT for life unless the world gets more fucked up and they run out of testosterone cuz of the great reset and whatever else the government has in store
 
I'm a bit bemused I'm actually around, yeah.
I seriously didn't think I'd even make it to 25 at one time. I basically didn't care all that much whether I lived or died for a while. I'd also built up a massive tolerance and in order to feel anything at all I REALLY pushed that envelope. I was routinely taking amounts that equated to threshold overdose, on occasion drinking alcohol on top of it, which resulted in more close calls than I like to think about.

PS a safe injection site called INDRO literally saved my life twice. As long as we can't get legalisation and a standardised, pure product, there should be a lot more of these places.
 
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