TheOriginalChair
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2021
- Messages
- 94
Hello fellow Bluelighters in recovery Mode, i wish you all the best on your road to recovery,
wanted to let out some steam here and ask a question...
So i kept hearing when i went to Detox, that addiction is for life...i HATED everytime i heard that because i took it like, "Hey you're FUCKED forever" and
i always knew on the back of mind imma stop, but my family is so scared of losing me, they prefer i be hooked on Suboxone and its been over 4 years of
taking it...im only 28 btw... every now and then i fuck up and slip up, i moved back with my family because my ex girl, would not stop taking E, so i had to dump her..
she ended up stripping (i was SUPER IN LOVE with this girl even got her a wedding ring, had $400-500 in a lock box with it, one day i came home and she had ripped it open..yes the lck box by the side, took everything without permission cause she was spoiled but i owed that money, she paid her friends and herself brand new tattoos and took a fuckin roadtrip at my expense and "lost" the ring during a rave cause she was so out of it on rolls, next day had a trashbag waiting for her with all her clothes)
That destroyed me...i was heavily into benzo's and opiates... suddenly my 150mg oxy daily routine got f'ed up because of greedy m'f'rs with fent.... so many friends died, like 3 and like 2 more i did not know but hang out in the same scene as me died... i OD'ed 4 times.... The one i wanted to talk about was in my Parents house, since i moved back cause i quit my job and roommate also was also taking my rent money and shoving it all up his nose instead of giving it to the landlord).
Anyways i got f'ked because no more real OXY, started doing H, which if you seen my other thread heavily cut, so i couldnt find....decent opiates anymore started going down a really really dark path, hit the needle and all the sudden im blastin .3 pure disco COLA up tha veins, then using fent to come down cause my anxiety mad me think my dad was lookin though the window or listenin through the door (which he does after what imma bout to tell you) so i iv .3 of cola and a hole $6 dollar bag of dope without testin it cause i was F'ed up on BENZOS( theres where i messed up, which later i found out the 2 i took were fent, no benzos in my bloodwork) so i start feeling good all the sudden my body is jerking and im losing motor skills i try to make it to the door to remove the lock cause i knew i f'ed up... i removed the needle so fast and threw it to the closet but i bounced back on the floor next to me, i hear my parents calling me.....dad knocked down the door, im already passed out, like 4min in the floor *(i do not condone suicide) i felt like i was floating..... gone, sleeping all the sudden i hear my father crying and mother screaming ( they in there late 50's) i couldnt move, my dad had NALOXONE, THANK GOD I ASKED FOR IT WHEN I WENT TO DETOX CAUSE I WOULDNT BE WRITTING THIS. Then when i wake up im in a hospital bed with straps cause supposedly i was hitting myself HARD in the face (lol probably my subcosious punching me in the face for being an IDIOT)...
then i realize since i was transported to a hospital while unconscious where im from they take you to a REHAB by law, cause you are a danger to yourself, they have to interview you...i was only a Week there, but still MY CONCERN IS, i dont want to tilt, f' up, flip, make my parents go crazy, cause another f' up like that can really scar my mother even more emotionally, they wont let me out the house unless i take a SUB, i hate it cause its been 4 YEARS of taking it, im hooked...been swallowing the pill since it doesnt do anything if you down it or i spit it out, but they stay with me 10mins to make sure it dissolves...MAY I REMIND AGAIN IM 28 almost 30 years old... I FEEL LIKE THE MOVIE STEPBROTHERS....i know im lucky to have such loving parent and that they still care about me and have NOT giving up on my... i would after the 3rd time if it were my son, i wouldve sent him to Iboga treatment, which my parents nor i have enough money for it... ive had a lot of exp with psych, i really think this would cure me, i keep slippin up automatically.... i know nobody forces me to do it... it just i feel a chest pain and when i do a bump of H it goes away... my hunger comes back... i forget bout my father physically abusing my and my mother when we were kids (doc says its my trigger, i already learned to apologize for the past, but it happend again after SO MANY YEARS my father beat me up for just crying...
he said "cryin is for p*ssies*" ... i told em so you were a pussy when your mom DIED!? then he started choking me and i was afraid for my life and he slapped me twice hard, i smelt the alcohol in his breath so i stood down.... im always scared of him when he gets really drunk, he is an alcoholic but he got his sh*t straight a long time ago, but recently his brother passed away and he's been drowin in liquor and screamin random stuff and throwing stuff like my weights off the second floor in my house and making random animal noises (like he is possessed by a demon, like really sounds like that crazy scary for me i lock myself and my mother in room till next day and he acts like nothing.... already talked with my sister and mother, next time he does that we getting a court order so he has to go to a twelve step or a detox hospital to get his sh*t straight....
I ask fellow recovering friends.... am i ever gonna be able to just stop using... stop feeling anxiety everyday when i wake up....does this shit ever stop?
subs aint doing shiz, my dr wont switch me to methadone..i dont want it but tried it and felt amazing and didnt want more H, but i heard so many horror stories' i wont change another addiction for another... I'm currently taking 2mg ativan every morning since i wake up with a pressure like feeling in my chest, it had stopped for a few days a week back, but now i get anxious when i just hear my parents walking to my door....today i just came home HIGH ASF since i got PAID for all my hard work from a week straight of working and i blew em...... mom saw me walk it..she was like "why do you look like that" i said i was just high on weed and some beers, but she aint stupid, she asked me to sleep without my LOCK on the door which i always do....but my mother's afraid i might die in my sleep.. and dont get me wrong i slip up but dont continue doing it...it like a 1-2 day thing....but i get mega f*ed up and sometimes i get caught lackin since im so f'ed up... i really want to stop and make my parents happy and proud of me again, was thinking on buying an ounce next time i get paid.... staying home for a MONTH cause i know i wont go into any WD's thank god!
What would you do in my position....my father supplies me with ativan if i get really anxious and i got my cannabis license so i can smoke while getting subs from my DOC....
MUCH LOVE-The OG Chair....sit down and have some fun!
wanted to let out some steam here and ask a question...
So i kept hearing when i went to Detox, that addiction is for life...i HATED everytime i heard that because i took it like, "Hey you're FUCKED forever" and
i always knew on the back of mind imma stop, but my family is so scared of losing me, they prefer i be hooked on Suboxone and its been over 4 years of
taking it...im only 28 btw... every now and then i fuck up and slip up, i moved back with my family because my ex girl, would not stop taking E, so i had to dump her..
she ended up stripping (i was SUPER IN LOVE with this girl even got her a wedding ring, had $400-500 in a lock box with it, one day i came home and she had ripped it open..yes the lck box by the side, took everything without permission cause she was spoiled but i owed that money, she paid her friends and herself brand new tattoos and took a fuckin roadtrip at my expense and "lost" the ring during a rave cause she was so out of it on rolls, next day had a trashbag waiting for her with all her clothes)
That destroyed me...i was heavily into benzo's and opiates... suddenly my 150mg oxy daily routine got f'ed up because of greedy m'f'rs with fent.... so many friends died, like 3 and like 2 more i did not know but hang out in the same scene as me died... i OD'ed 4 times.... The one i wanted to talk about was in my Parents house, since i moved back cause i quit my job and roommate also was also taking my rent money and shoving it all up his nose instead of giving it to the landlord).
Anyways i got f'ked because no more real OXY, started doing H, which if you seen my other thread heavily cut, so i couldnt find....decent opiates anymore started going down a really really dark path, hit the needle and all the sudden im blastin .3 pure disco COLA up tha veins, then using fent to come down cause my anxiety mad me think my dad was lookin though the window or listenin through the door (which he does after what imma bout to tell you) so i iv .3 of cola and a hole $6 dollar bag of dope without testin it cause i was F'ed up on BENZOS( theres where i messed up, which later i found out the 2 i took were fent, no benzos in my bloodwork) so i start feeling good all the sudden my body is jerking and im losing motor skills i try to make it to the door to remove the lock cause i knew i f'ed up... i removed the needle so fast and threw it to the closet but i bounced back on the floor next to me, i hear my parents calling me.....dad knocked down the door, im already passed out, like 4min in the floor *(i do not condone suicide) i felt like i was floating..... gone, sleeping all the sudden i hear my father crying and mother screaming ( they in there late 50's) i couldnt move, my dad had NALOXONE, THANK GOD I ASKED FOR IT WHEN I WENT TO DETOX CAUSE I WOULDNT BE WRITTING THIS. Then when i wake up im in a hospital bed with straps cause supposedly i was hitting myself HARD in the face (lol probably my subcosious punching me in the face for being an IDIOT)...
then i realize since i was transported to a hospital while unconscious where im from they take you to a REHAB by law, cause you are a danger to yourself, they have to interview you...i was only a Week there, but still MY CONCERN IS, i dont want to tilt, f' up, flip, make my parents go crazy, cause another f' up like that can really scar my mother even more emotionally, they wont let me out the house unless i take a SUB, i hate it cause its been 4 YEARS of taking it, im hooked...been swallowing the pill since it doesnt do anything if you down it or i spit it out, but they stay with me 10mins to make sure it dissolves...MAY I REMIND AGAIN IM 28 almost 30 years old... I FEEL LIKE THE MOVIE STEPBROTHERS....i know im lucky to have such loving parent and that they still care about me and have NOT giving up on my... i would after the 3rd time if it were my son, i wouldve sent him to Iboga treatment, which my parents nor i have enough money for it... ive had a lot of exp with psych, i really think this would cure me, i keep slippin up automatically.... i know nobody forces me to do it... it just i feel a chest pain and when i do a bump of H it goes away... my hunger comes back... i forget bout my father physically abusing my and my mother when we were kids (doc says its my trigger, i already learned to apologize for the past, but it happend again after SO MANY YEARS my father beat me up for just crying...
he said "cryin is for p*ssies*" ... i told em so you were a pussy when your mom DIED!? then he started choking me and i was afraid for my life and he slapped me twice hard, i smelt the alcohol in his breath so i stood down.... im always scared of him when he gets really drunk, he is an alcoholic but he got his sh*t straight a long time ago, but recently his brother passed away and he's been drowin in liquor and screamin random stuff and throwing stuff like my weights off the second floor in my house and making random animal noises (like he is possessed by a demon, like really sounds like that crazy scary for me i lock myself and my mother in room till next day and he acts like nothing.... already talked with my sister and mother, next time he does that we getting a court order so he has to go to a twelve step or a detox hospital to get his sh*t straight....
I ask fellow recovering friends.... am i ever gonna be able to just stop using... stop feeling anxiety everyday when i wake up....does this shit ever stop?
subs aint doing shiz, my dr wont switch me to methadone..i dont want it but tried it and felt amazing and didnt want more H, but i heard so many horror stories' i wont change another addiction for another... I'm currently taking 2mg ativan every morning since i wake up with a pressure like feeling in my chest, it had stopped for a few days a week back, but now i get anxious when i just hear my parents walking to my door....today i just came home HIGH ASF since i got PAID for all my hard work from a week straight of working and i blew em...... mom saw me walk it..she was like "why do you look like that" i said i was just high on weed and some beers, but she aint stupid, she asked me to sleep without my LOCK on the door which i always do....but my mother's afraid i might die in my sleep.. and dont get me wrong i slip up but dont continue doing it...it like a 1-2 day thing....but i get mega f*ed up and sometimes i get caught lackin since im so f'ed up... i really want to stop and make my parents happy and proud of me again, was thinking on buying an ounce next time i get paid.... staying home for a MONTH cause i know i wont go into any WD's thank god!
What would you do in my position....my father supplies me with ativan if i get really anxious and i got my cannabis license so i can smoke while getting subs from my DOC....
MUCH LOVE-The OG Chair....sit down and have some fun!
