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Intro Terminal Cancer: drugs, addiction, wants, desires and MXE

DeucerPro

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 5, 2022
Messages
385
Location
Texas
Thank you for posting what you did on MXE. I was going to respond there but I cover a lot of other issues so I’m going to start with an introduction post and see what happens from there. Of course feel free to ask any questions and don’t hesitate to shoot me a message…

Since some years have passed now hopefully we can have a thread about this without it being considered sourcing. I'm not trying to fish for the names of long gone vendors here either. I'm just curious about others experience with the quality of MXE in the last months/year of its availability.

I got into MXE late compared to most people here. By the time I came along we were up to the second or third megathread. The popularity on the internet was one of the things that drove me to trying it. I discovered it was just as wonderful as everyone said it was. When I jumped in grams were still very cheap and people were still claiming the batches going around were just as good as the early ones. They were mostly just complaining about the price which had doubled or something even though it was still very reasonable.

I ordered MXE five or six times I think. The first few batches, including my larger order, were all excellent quality. It was the pre-China era stuff (UK synth I guess?). I never had problems reaching a hole with this material. Even a small amount would get anyone wacky. It was strong but you could keep it under control. When it came time to order again you couldn't get this anymore. Everyone was selling MXE that was claimed to be from China. It was still nearly as strong as the first batches I got but it didn't look the same. It has more of a yellow-tint to it.

I was using the China stuff for many months. I couldn't really complain about the quality for what I was getting. Every now and again a batch would come through that was almost as good as the first batches. This went on for about a year I think.

When the bans started to hit in China I decided I wanted to stock up while I could. I ordered a gram from two places I had been using before to try the new batch. Both sent me pretty much the same thing. It didn't even look like the same substance anymore. It was more powdery, almost comparable to Phenibut FAA powder. It tested positive for MXE and you could get MXE-like effects from it but it was impossible to hole. I got the impression it was just the last of the China stuff cut to shit with baking powder or something. Others have told me it was just a really shitty synth and the labs screwed the vendors on the way out. Whatever it was I was hoping someone here would know.

Does anyone else find it odd this chemical isn't available anywhere? I thought for sure that this one had obtained enough popularity to go into the mainstream. I never gave it to anyone that said they disliked it. People that don't even know the RC scene still talk about it. The people in-the-know will pay almost anything for it. I don't understand why this one isn't seen more often. It's so popular there are people still using its name to pass off similar dissos and sometimes even K. Is this one just hard to make or something? I don't understand why PCP is available on the street but crude MXE synths aren't.

Oh well. If anyone can tell me about those later batches of MXE and their experience with them I'd appreciate it.

So, I’m dying of stage 4 terminal metastatic cancer and if there was only ONE thing I could have, without a doubt and forevermore, it will be MXE/methexotamine/3 meo pco …

There were two types and I liked both of them but one type is so versatile plus very light & feathery. It could be done in any format and came back forever if one did it in a format that would return. It was fluffy and so inexpensive. I really backtracked when I ended up trying disassociatives. I had tried DXM or some such but can’t say I ever had any enjoyment from even an idea of a disassociative state.

Once I’d done MXE, i enjoyed insufflation more than any other ROA although each way had its merits. The thing that was so great was for me it was a non-drug. It was the best anti-depressant, mood stabilizer or self-assisted psychic change that has ever been created for someone like myself. I could laugh or cry, get energy/stay awake or sleep peacefully, i could do anything I wanted to do and it manifested blind honesty to the nth degree. Strangely for me it’s the only substance that i can pretty much create whatever mood I want. Occasionally there were surprises but they were always pleasant for me.

I had never had a desire for a disassociative that I am aware of or that I could’ve comprehended even though I was game to do everything and I’m sure I have for the most part except for the dark web buffet that I wish I was a part of still.

Never could I have imagined after having done the big three for a lifetime, playing around the dark web with bevys of samples. And I had confidence since the chems arrived from actual clinical labs with material safety sheets. I had to get micro milligram scales and a gram was a massive amount in comparison to what I had ever seen before. Occasionally I would buy five or 10 different grams of substances and if the MDSS said you’re going have this, this and this occur over exactly 16 hours PLUS redosing will not change things in a positive way - that was gospel. If the literature said don’t try to be tough by thinking you’re a bad ass - oh my God! I don’t regret trying things but with a lot of them, I was in for the long-haul as far as suffering really badly like 2FA, 4FA and AVP, MDAI… but it lasted forever! It lasted exactly as long as the lab literature said it would last through the minute. I tried a few things and some of them were so strange because it might’ve caused only peeping & geeking for exactly 16 hours of a neck strain from unwaveringly staring out the blinds so I wouldn’t be surprised by approaching cars in some residential neighborhood while at home. I do you recall a couple of times mixing things together not considering about the SSRI response which was highly unpleasant but that was all after the MXE was gone.

MXE wasn’t a drug and I hated even calling it that because yes of course it altered my ability to think in a way yet that was so cool which is to me, I guess, the very definition now of a true disassociative. It allowed me to see instead of through problems, around them and it was beautiful! Occasionally I saw what might be God, the bokeh lights and helplessness but the main thing I enjoyed was just lack of depression or if I wanted to cry it felt so good!

The reason I’m bringing up the light feathery version which I don’t know if it came from Europe or from China - I don’t think it came from China because I got rice shard crystalline darker stuff eventually from one half but the most coveted for me was the blindingly white, poofy, clean sinuses, smells so awesome stuff. I really think these are two different substances and were not just manufactured differently. One was heavier, thicker and more like it left something behind cumulatively. The other was just very light and airy. Both were powerful but harmless just the same.

WHILE I loved anything I received except for one bunk shipment of it, I have a sensation in my mind that just maybe I have a have a chemical off in my equation and maybe although I know it’s not AVP or any other chem too far off - just *maybe* there’s something out there, some derivative that’s closer and available. … or maybe I had the right stuff and unfortunately, to my extreme dismay, that ship sailed a long time ago. If that is the case, I’m so glad that I had the opportunity to experience it at all. What a gift! I could’ve tried ketamine 30 years ago and probably wouldn’t have messed with it again…we’ll probably if it was in the room but that’s how different it really is to me maybe in some distance far off cousin format can I slightly possibly recognize some resemblance but it’s so minute that it’s absolutely not there really it’s just not the same stuff. Ketamine and MXE do not equal one another in any way or by any stretch of the word. Just like for me to take cough syrup and search for those plateaus - it just doesn’t do it for me. Just like I have some acid or I could try some psychedelics but there’s no longer a desire for that. MXE is strange because there is a class of drugs called disassociatives so it would seem that there’d be another disassociative logically that I would enjoy equally but that’s not been the case. However, I am putting it out there because with the huge bevy of analogues, there’s a GREAT chance that something and not just something but a whole lot of substances surely exist that have markers or resemblances to MXE.

I bought from multiple sources all in multiple vacuum packs so I probably did get the right stuff. I saw someone mention that everyone seemed to like it. In my experience it was fantastic because suddenly I didn’t need any other drug and had no desire for them even if they were right beside me which is insane in itself. I mean theoretically MXE is a cure for drug addiction. I wasn’t interested in meth, Coke or heroin… I had 10g huge pile of powder in front of me and nobody wanted to touch it as they were afraid or just thought they’d not want it - and I’m not one to ever beg another to check it out - much less would I even encourage or give away what a cool deal it was. As long as it stayed under the radar, it was safe. As long as it stayed under the radar even in my possession then no one would steal my shit! And if you ever thought that one drug can make it like you never took a hit of another (like you do coke but have meth so you can ‘no harm no foul’ if you please if you have the right tools in your arsenal), MXE will make anything go away like it’s a cure… a cure for any other drugs you do instantly IMO.

I could be around people who say kept trying to pass me a pipe or some bullshit and I had no desire whatsoever yet they had no desire for mine. The few people that did try it except for a few exceptions often became terrified and ran off into the night. I don’t even know what that is because the only thing I can imagine is say perhaps how things change with psychedelics once we grow a healthy fear or gain even any inkling of mortality. Lol I guess it required a slightly open mind but not much because the benefits so far outweighed the complete lack of negatives that I can even think of! It was always a wonderful gift. I literally called it a gift from God because nothing could’ve been more perfectly made to accommodate me! Unfortunately, I’m not a spiritual person but what else can I call it?!

There were a few people who did get a little tiny bump and proceeded to steal 10g or 15g after I got them completely high and ended up passing out. Amazingly they would blame it on me because they were so enthralled by it. Generally, there’s a pattern because those are the people who are the more type. I am a more type rather than a DOC type of person. Hmm Well that just makes it complicated because I’m addicted to a whole lot more… but the MXE more thieves were those who have a really strong desire always for more more more and can’t stop. They wake up in a ditch or don’t even know where their car is every single time.

It always kind of made me laugh though because it was so cheap although I didn’t always have it when I wanted it but I knew that those people that stole a vial from me or a baggie or a gram or two or 10… that’s great, but they’ll never get it again. They won’t know how. It will just be a memory which I guess is how it is for me now, too.

I’ve bought ketamine and can get it for about $40 a bottle across the border (less occasionally). I did it with an acquaintance once and he just loved it to death. It was something very exotic for the type of person he is. I didn’t talk to him for about a month and when I talked to him again, he had told everyone in a small town that I have some fantastic new stuff that all will love. I had to explain to him that most people don’t feel that way because it’s true but also if you tell everybody and let’s say it was true which it’s not, the demand would skyrocket, the product would disappear and that would be it. Aside from all of that it’s not cost-effective in any way and I’m not trying to make money. It’s always been my belief that if you use something - don’t sell it! I powder the liquid K and I like it while feeling it’s nothing in comparison to MXE. It dawned on me not to even try to describe to him the difference in K and MXE. It is impossible. There’s just no way that a comparison can be made without a person having those experiences themselves also dependent on their experience/enjoyment or lack thereof. I’ve done 15g of K in 10 days and thought wow what a waste and I’ve done a gram of it over a few months. I hoped K could be a distant 10 minute memory here and there. It’s not because it isn’t reminiscent of MXE. The other way - MXE was way of life - it wasn’t a wishful, trigger event. It wasn’t a trippy quickie…it was deep and spiritual.

Again I’d give about anything if anybody knows of something that’s even remotely similar that’s obtainable. I’m not sourcing. We talk about so many hundreds of thousands of analogues out there which a quick look makes it seem there is some availability although I’m sure the South African and guy next door rip-off’s are through the roof… I will admit when mephedrone hit the scene oh and I guess K2 as well that stuff was coming out of people’s garages. Mephedrone was highly addictive and very unique but I’d much prefer to have something vacuum packed from an actual laboratory rather than someone’s garage involving stickers and canisters.

I probably haven’t even looked at what was going on with analogues for benzodiazepines which were of great importance to me some 10 years ago since that time. However I do remember I was really excited because what was happening before the federal analog act was put into place was that we were going to break free from the Xanax nightmare that we have in the United States. I recall bromazepam and flourobromazepam post etizolam (garbage) availability and labs were coming out with 100,000 different benzodiazepines that even then would have beat the shit out of Xanax - just not etizolam. I had so much hope because they talked of plain and simple anxiolytic meds with 36 hour half-lives! no hypnotism, no drowsiness, no nothing except for anxiolytic properties! I don’t know if I’d like that but I think so because any problem I’ve ever had which doesn’t happen anymore but any I had ever had in my life was due to memory loss, sedation or hypnosis. It also has a cumulative effect as it builds in one’s system. It works because it makes people crazy if it works for them. So it’s unbelievable with so many of these analogues that are being created out there which are so far superior to what we have available to us and that are actually being taken away right before eyes all underneath terrorism and the federal analog act for our protection which is complete bullshit. They can take so many drugs not just illicit drugs for any kind of ailment and remove all the bad side effects - remove every single last one of them and give us a polished form unimaginable to us now. It’s already even out there! It’s already been done! I don’t even want to think about cancer medication because we’re dealing with leeches in that area. But because of the war on drugs and the money game we’ll never see it. The analog act ruined a lot of things making some of the most asinine things fall into the schedule one category such as for instance, papaver straw. Not the latex heroin opium pods or any other of the 48+ alkaloids contained within the head… it’s poppy straw that will put you in prison as a schedule one drug which has the least amount of any chemicals at all in it. It’s the stems. It’s the offshoot grasses. Poppy straw does not include the poppy pod itself. However any processing of a cut flower/pod is a form of creating poppy straw.

With the war on drugs and with what’s going on pharmaceutically and always has been, there’s no excuse that we can’t have far superior medications. The only possible thing that stands as a blockade is industry/money. The patent process and 10 year’s exclusivity has left us with Xanax, Lortabs and they’ve taken soma away finally. You can still get it but it’s not covered by insurance and if you’re not on insurance, they told me initially that they don’t make it anymore. Then I said I’d pay cash bc I wasn’t even offered it as available any longer. Well then my doctor says it’s not medically necessary in the United States. That’s actually not true it’s because it’s part of the California Cocktail whereas for whatever reason it’s believed that two Lortabs, two soma and two Xanax equals heroin. Whatever but soma actually isn’t much of a medication, it’s something I’ve taken my entire life and I can get it in India for $.30 each though I’ve gone without now for quite some time. I can’t tell that I take it but I’m well aware if I have none. With cancer it’s kind of one thing that I could actually use at this time to help control the tremors in my neck but they asked me if I would like to see a pain specialist and I said well hell yes! So they give me a referral the pain place. They call me and say that first off we want to tell you that we prescribe no medication whatsoever - are you OK with that? Hell no I’m not OK with that! What do you mean you prescribe no medication? Daily I take cancer meds plus a host of other meds so I have benzodiazepines, at the time I had soma, 120 useless Lortabs, get a bunch of 15mg morphine (must have 6 months bc they do NOTHING)…

Honestly none of my meds except for possibly having a benzo here and there is my best bet because pain is never optional in my life and never has been. The people that get relief in the form of pain management from pain pills is because it makes them goofy IMO, knocks them out or diverts their attention because opiates don’t stop pain. They just divert attention or medically they do quell the cough mechanism. I don’t think that if you can’t get high from taking pills that there’s any reason to take any pain management. Everything is addiction. If you’re not getting high or itching or whatever moderation and control one might think they have at a certain point in the game… Without any of that all that remains is addiction and it’s very unpleasant. Opiates are just addiction and I’m pretty freaking mad at myself that I walked into that again after 15 years or so. Because of course I don’t get any enjoyment whatsoever only terrible withdrawal and Lortabs haven’t worked since I was in my 20s. I don’t even get sick to my stomach. I get a huge amount each month which are worthless to helping with any type of pain but I don’t expect that. Obviously they are not worthless $ because something has to cover the rest of it so I quietly asked them after the fiasco of if I was changing doctors to get no medication if they could give me something for breakthrough pain because I know what I need to stop IV injections.

You can’t or rather, I can’t just tell specialists that I’m an addict if I want to continue receiving treatment without going to inpatient lockup or something but I can guarantee you no medication will continue to be prescribed. So I can’t really go into my history with them but because of my history of being on over 400 mg of methadone in a split dose back in the day and then on a starting dose of 32 mg of Suboxone… I already know and I thought that there isn’t an opiate on earth that’d work. And if say I miraculously felt a Demerol or Dialudad or something, it would be once and three days later tears will be streaming down my face. I’ve done this too many times!

My veins are so burned out from the chemo. Anywhere I touch creates an instant scar so it kind of sucks. I originally came here after a few years away to see about plugging as an actual possibility because I do know the merits of it in comparison since it bypasses the gastrointestinal system. I heard that someone I know has stopped IV and is plugging. Well I accidentally IM 99% of the time. Luckily it is more soluble than it used to be or normally that would be a complete and total waste. However from reading about plugging, it seems like not a better answer only better to say ROA‘s such as smoking or eating or putting it in your nose which I would never do any of that because it’s just a waste. I found something which surprised the hell out of me and my best thinking is that maybe it’s because I didn’t abuse it or maybe it’s just because it’s exactly what I need for whatever reason because of whatever is in what’s on the street right now and that is I can actually survive with four oxycodone instant release tablets per day so one every six hours and I’m totally fine. 30IR which seems like nothing but not to a prescriber…I’d prefer 40IR but would gladly take non counterfeit 30IRs. At 6 hrs like clockwork the wds hit hard but it blew my mind to see that’s all I needed! I can maintain that I would never let tolerance rise bc I know - I’ll be fine but with the DEA laws that are in place, every doctor I can even imagine or have ever heard of are so terrified of writing a prescription for anything elicit that it’s just is not going to happen.

It’s my understanding that if I will sign off of any additional curative surgeries or treatment then they’ll give me whatever drugs I want to ease me out of this world. Well no ketamine or mdma lol… within reason… I’ve heard some nightmares about people waiting two weeks, hospice never shows up and they die in agonizing pain. I don’t want to go through it at all, of course - would anyone?! But it sure would be nice to go through it without any anxiety which I’ve got that covered as pain relief is a non-issue so the best thing I’m hoping for is what I have …probably a thousand xans on standby, not for assisted but just because my fear lies around anxiety about the pain and not actual pain. It sure would be nice to go through it without any anxiety which I’ve got that covered.

I wish I had some MXE.

OK maybe my post was mostly about MXE.

A little about me, I’m a chick. I felt really sorry for myself when I was under the age of 50 when I got the terminal diagnosis on day one. I’m bat shit crazy by now but I think I always was. I was really pretty. Lol. Things are changing at this time and I’m over 50. I have far outlived the statistics since I was given three months some six years ago and then again twice in the last four years one of which is now. I’m tired. I have been a drug addict my entire life and I have no desire whatsoever to get clean. I just want to stay comfortable and of course it would be bonus if I could have some enjoyment of quality of life in the moments in between.

I stopped having friends and dating the day I heard so I’m very alone but it’s been very empowering when I can get out of bed. If you have any questions I’d be glad to answer. Call me Johnette.

❤️
(morning song…)
 
Hey there. Nice intro but this post that has a lot of value and you put time into it so it should be more visible. Not many people read new member intros but they read Health and recovery and The dark side in larger numbers.

Your thread will get seen by many more if I move it or you can leave it here and see if you get some comments.

Welcome to bluelight and I hope you are finding some threads that you like and can relate to.
 
Yes please move it anywhere it should go. Thank you. I want to try to get out of the house. Woo hoo! Yay. Lol
Would you like The Dark side or Health and recovery? It fits in both of those and would get high traffic.

Your thread is full of heartfelt emotions and maybe someone else is where you are at this time in their life.

Nice intro and glad you are here.
 
Don't worry, we are here to listen to you. In fact, your story is quite interesting. You're such a strong woman, I send you lots of love ❤🧡🤍💙🤍💙
Cough cough… Bullshit. I’m not tough or strong in any way. But please keep blowing smoke up my ass LOL. I mean that with the utmost of sincerity but I am about the most negative person in the world.

I know the power of positive thinking but I have so little control over it. And right now just typing overnight here, I realized this is mania caused by steroids. I remember the last time I had this was in September because I had brain surgery and I felt the same way. I didn’t sleep at night, I had tons of energy - I was planning to drive across the border and didn’t understand what the problem was of why I hadn’t gone yet. It’s so unfortunate that in different frame of mind it’s impossible for me at least to see how I felt in the other frame of mind. Even if I can faintly remember it I don’t know how to get back to it. It’s like I don’t leave a lifeline.

All right well I’m right there now. I don’t see why not and just here at Bluelight overnight made me realize that I had fallen back into the life is misery mindset. Life sucks because I have no quality of life because I’m not enjoying it and what I enjoy in life is getting high.

It’s wonderful to have this freedom of being able to say that here. It’s like I can’t be honest like that if I even wanted to and if I did, someone would argue with me and say that that’s my excuse for some such but it absolutely is not - it’s what I have always done and what I will - OK what I didn’t realize I have lost the ability to do easily so that’s a crisis!

I remember well once I stop taking this medication I try to hang onto the energy but it just goes until I can’t remember what it felt like to want to ever leave the house or clean it or do a damn thing. So I have a pretty short window of time. It was so powerful last time though that I considered continuing to take them against doctors orders but I did not. It’s almost like drug seeking on steroids but for what? A little excess energy? If you have zero and can’t hardly move because you’re so sedentary and down, unsatisfied and unable to even envision tomorrow … I can’t say having a little energy is my favorite kind of high because I don’t see that as a high. Energy or drive should come naturally so it’s something.

I don’t have to rush out. I can wait till tomorrow or even the next day. And if I didn’t go to spend $1000 and just spent 100 so what it’s just a trip right? It’s something to do right? Yes it’s a little scary because I’ve fallen asleep sometimes but I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be able to go. I wear a mask, I wash my hands and I have the energy! That’s what’s always lacking. I don’t have any clothes that fit because of these steroids so maybe I’ll go shopping today hey! Those things aren’t getting high but they don’t sound too bad.

I wish I could think of substances that I actually enjoy that I haven’t already killed. Yes I saw the drugs Inc. on ketamine and that’s a little bit different than anything I’ve ever endured. If I went by that show alone I would’ve never ever touched that stuff.

I can’t really think of what else there is maybe I’ll do research into disassociates because I do know I like them but I have a really strong feeling that just like some other classes of drugs that are difficult to get these days such as barbiturates or tranquilizers there just really isn’t anything available unless it’s cut with huge amounts of caffeine and APAP and I don’t know how much I like that feeling but at least it’s a different feeling… I had paregoric that was no fun. If I could get some real shake and bake but that’s not gonna happen.

You know I cannot even remember how I went for so many years where there was no other way on earth that I would’ve put meth in my body other than IV because any other way was a complete and total waste of dope. Yeah talk about insanity and visions and illusions and men in flak jackets and parades and shooting dealers and things that never happened that I truly believed with every fiber of my being occurred. I tried one shot maybe two or three years ago instead of hitting the floor or anything expected because that wasn’t even an expected response to have fear, I busted out my front door ran downstairs to someone who I knew used and frantically knocked at their door loudly in an apartment complex. They did not answer the door. I came back upstairs and just peaked out the window for maybe the next eight hours and I said that’s it! I don’t want that anymore!

It baffles me how I could’ve loved shooting for so many years how I would never have used a meth pipe for anything in the world but now I don’t know any other way to do it. Ok well yes I do - I know every way to do it but it sure doesn’t sound appealing. Also it’s salty to taste right now and while I understand amphetamine salts it shouldn’t stay that way after being melted down or be that strong in the stem. It’s been cut heavily with salt. I was just trying to remember …I know I used to break down various things, esp coke but I’m not sure I never melted down and re-cooked meth and if so why? I guess to eliminate Imperfections but if it’s mostly cut and salt it’s not going to matter. I don’t think that’s a common practice or is it? I can’t remember? I would be tasting it if I didn’t either way probably. So that’s an option. I’m assuming I can get high with Iv meth but at what cost because I have a healthy fear now?

This is really highly interesting to realize that I haven’t been high in forever. Certainly there’s something I’m not thinking of. Sidenote not sourcing but I have 150 yellow gabapentin wrapped and ready for mail in the car. They are useless for me so I’d planned to mail them no cost to a dude I was playing a video game with. I dragged my feet so I’m guessing he thought I was full of shit so he blocked me. Screw him but I kind of wanted him to admit that he was getting that cheap high off of them anyway but he wouldn’t. I don’t even care now they’re packed and ready to go if somebody needs them and of course I don’t want anything In return just to get them out of my car. I’d like to say they are not really scheduled. Not so but shouldn’t be. (Delete if necessary)

Do you know you can take gabapentin or Lyrica or a whole host of those which I have at some point realized that even though I tried to reason I may have taken 10 or 12 or 15 (in real addict style) at a time just to see because that’s what some people say works like tramadol. I used to have hundreds of tramadol and they didn’t even help one iota for getting off of opiates …same with Kratom.

Yeah if anybody ever needs to get off of opiates in a place where they don’t want to be and where they have no choice, from lope, I’m glad to share. I did lope management for opiates for years and was so terrified of that half-life. I’d love to share what it was really like because I couldn’t have imagined the effect of the buildup of how bad I thought it was going to be. Should that be the case, at that time, I can share exactly what occurred and why. I know for a fact what happened and why.

Yes and thank you so much for letting me talk through some of this because until last night I don’t think I realized the gravity of my problem which is a prob with who I am. Somewhere along the line I just allowed that to become OK when nothing makes me happier than being true to myself. So I need to get to work here. Just eating or resting… doctors appointments or doing any responsible thing which I seldom do is absolutely not enough to create any kind of happiness in my life. So I am slacking as I must have accepted things saying OK happy days are over and I’ve just been laying in bed man. This is a lot to think about. I’m glad and again I hope that I can hang onto it once I get off of the steroids
 
Cough cough… Bullshit. I’m not tough or strong in any way. But please keep blowing smoke up my ass LOL. I mean that with the utmost of sincerity but I am about the most negative person in the world.

I know the power of positive thinking but I have so little control over it. And right now just typing overnight here, I realized this is mania caused by steroids. I remember the last time I had this was in September because I had brain surgery and I felt the same way. I didn’t sleep at night, I had tons of energy - I was planning to drive across the border and didn’t understand what the problem was of why I hadn’t gone yet. It’s so unfortunate that in different frame of mind it’s impossible for me at least to see how I felt in the other frame of mind. Even if I can faintly remember it I don’t know how to get back to it. It’s like I don’t leave a lifeline.

All right well I’m right there now. I don’t see why not and just here at Bluelight overnight made me realize that I had fallen back into the life is misery mindset. Life sucks because I have no quality of life because I’m not enjoying it and what I enjoy in life is getting high.

It’s wonderful to have this freedom of being able to say that here. It’s like I can’t be honest like that if I even wanted to and if I did, someone would argue with me and say that that’s my excuse for some such but it absolutely is not - it’s what I have always done and what I will - OK what I didn’t realize I have lost the ability to do easily so that’s a crisis!

I remember well once I stop taking this medication I try to hang onto the energy but it just goes until I can’t remember what it felt like to want to ever leave the house or clean it or do a damn thing. So I have a pretty short window of time. It was so powerful last time though that I considered continuing to take them against doctors orders but I did not. It’s almost like drug seeking on steroids but for what? A little excess energy? If you have zero and can’t hardly move because you’re so sedentary and down, unsatisfied and unable to even envision tomorrow … I can’t say having a little energy is my favorite kind of high because I don’t see that as a high. Energy or drive should come naturally so it’s something.

I don’t have to rush out. I can wait till tomorrow or even the next day. And if I didn’t go to spend $1000 and just spent 100 so what it’s just a trip right? It’s something to do right? Yes it’s a little scary because I’ve fallen asleep sometimes but I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be able to go. I wear a mask, I wash my hands and I have the energy! That’s what’s always lacking. I don’t have any clothes that fit because of these steroids so maybe I’ll go shopping today hey! Those things aren’t getting high but they don’t sound too bad.

I wish I could think of substances that I actually enjoy that I haven’t already killed. Yes I saw the drugs Inc. on ketamine and that’s a little bit different than anything I’ve ever endured. If I went by that show alone I would’ve never ever touched that stuff.

I can’t really think of what else there is maybe I’ll do research into disassociates because I do know I like them but I have a really strong feeling that just like some other classes of drugs that are difficult to get these days such as barbiturates or tranquilizers there just really isn’t anything available unless it’s cut with huge amounts of caffeine and APAP and I don’t know how much I like that feeling but at least it’s a different feeling… I had paregoric that was no fun. If I could get some real shake and bake but that’s not gonna happen.

You know I cannot even remember how I went for so many years where there was no other way on earth that I would’ve put meth in my body other than IV because any other way was a complete and total waste of dope. Yeah talk about insanity and visions and illusions and men in flak jackets and parades and shooting dealers and things that never happened that I truly believed with every fiber of my being occurred. I tried one shot maybe two or three years ago instead of hitting the floor or anything expected because that wasn’t even an expected response to have fear, I busted out my front door ran downstairs to someone who I knew used and frantically knocked at their door loudly in an apartment complex. They did not answer the door. I came back upstairs and just peaked out the window for maybe the next eight hours and I said that’s it! I don’t want that anymore!

It baffles me how I could’ve loved shooting for so many years how I would never have used a meth pipe for anything in the world but now I don’t know any other way to do it. Ok well yes I do - I know every way to do it but it sure doesn’t sound appealing. Also it’s salty to taste right now and while I understand amphetamine salts it shouldn’t stay that way after being melted down or be that strong in the stem. It’s been cut heavily with salt. I was just trying to remember …I know I used to break down various things, esp coke but I’m not sure I never melted down and re-cooked meth and if so why? I guess to eliminate Imperfections but if it’s mostly cut and salt it’s not going to matter. I don’t think that’s a common practice or is it? I can’t remember? I would be tasting it if I didn’t either way probably. So that’s an option. I’m assuming I can get high with Iv meth but at what cost because I have a healthy fear now?

This is really highly interesting to realize that I haven’t been high in forever. Certainly there’s something I’m not thinking of. Sidenote not sourcing but I have 150 yellow gabapentin wrapped and ready for mail in the car. They are useless for me so I’d planned to mail them no cost to a dude I was playing a video game with. I dragged my feet so I’m guessing he thought I was full of shit so he blocked me. Screw him but I kind of wanted him to admit that he was getting that cheap high off of them anyway but he wouldn’t. I don’t even care now they’re packed and ready to go if somebody needs them and of course I don’t want anything In return just to get them out of my car. I’d like to say they are not really scheduled. Not so but shouldn’t be. (Delete if necessary)

Do you know you can take gabapentin or Lyrica or a whole host of those which I have at some point realized that even though I tried to reason I may have taken 10 or 12 or 15 (in real addict style) at a time just to see because that’s what some people say works like tramadol. I used to have hundreds of tramadol and they didn’t even help one iota for getting off of opiates …same with Kratom.

Yeah if anybody ever needs to get off of opiates in a place where they don’t want to be and where they have no choice, from lope, I’m glad to share. I did lope management for opiates for years and was so terrified of that half-life. I’d love to share what it was really like because I couldn’t have imagined the effect of the buildup of how bad I thought it was going to be. Should that be the case, at that time, I can share exactly what occurred and why. I know for a fact what happened and why.

Yes and thank you so much for letting me talk through some of this because until last night I don’t think I realized the gravity of my problem which is a prob with who I am. Somewhere along the line I just allowed that to become OK when nothing makes me happier than being true to myself. So I need to get to work here. Just eating or resting… doctors appointments or doing any responsible thing which I seldom do is absolutely not enough to create any kind of happiness in my life. So I am slacking as I must have accepted things saying OK happy days are over and I’ve just been laying in bed man. This is a lot to think about. I’m glad and again I hope that I can hang onto it once I get off of the steroids
Hahaha I can relate to various things in your post. I'm pretty ill at the moment too and I'm a very sensitive person, I feel like giving up almost everyday but yet I keep going. I had a psychotic break from injecting cocaine a year ago and I've been bedridden ever since after falling from a 10 ft height . I need like 3 surgeries and shit ton of rehab to walk again. We are tough mofos, I know because despite the circumstances we keep going. I know the uncertainty is scary but I truly admire you for fighting back with your depression and not giving up. If I could I'd give you an Oz of methoxetamine and do some lines with you. Go girl. 🤍✊
 
Hahaha I can relate to various things in your post. I'm pretty ill at the moment too and I'm a very sensitive person, I feel like giving up almost everyday but yet I keep going. I had a psychotic break from injecting cocaine a year ago and I've been bedridden ever since after falling from a 10 ft height . I need like 3 surgeries and shit ton of rehab to walk again. We are tough mofos, I know because despite the circumstances we keep going. I know the uncertainty is scary but I truly admire you for fighting back with your depression and not giving up. If I could I'd give you an Oz of methoxetamine and do some lines with you. Go girl. 🤍✊
My hero! What else did you say besides an ounce of MXE?
 
So far I’m really liking the new forum guys. You know I’ve been here often on over at the least a decade probably or however long the forum’s even been around …a long time here and Erowid.

There was a time when I’ve written silly things or really got into legal highs when I wasn’t allowed to use or talked about growing pods or shared about trying The newest (prophex) a drine… or whatever it was called but one of the most stupid things I’ve ever done although there were three hours that were extremely pleasant before two days of throwing up. I never felt really welcome here when I shared. It was reallyl important to learn how to step off with loperamide and I’ve never got a good feeling but I’ve lurked and posted when I can.

I just want to say I really like the new format everybody’s really cool so far and it’s unbelievably freeing to tell it like it is.

I really studied the step down method using loperamide over a week. I read about people stealing them off of the shelves. The benzedrex (whatever I did) is not in CA so what’s $5 on the CVS aisle, CA is paying like $10 last glance. Man sure wish I still had that drive to sell things because I loved selling things on eBay and Etsy. …

On the step down though, after careful study so that I really felt I was going to do it, I decided to make sure and take 96 of them, you know for good measure. The next day I took 200.
 
My hero! What else did you say besides an ounce of MXE?
Haha, you're not alone I'm struggling for my life. I want to kill myself everyday for putting me in this position...but yet I continue. I've been bedridden for 1 year and a half, van u believe that? 1 year and 4 months in the same room? I can barely move, I'm going crazy yet I Carry on with Ms journey.
 
Hahaha I can relate to various things in your post. I'm pretty ill at the moment too and I'm a very sensitive person, I feel like giving up almost everyday but yet I keep going. I had a psychotic break from injecting cocaine a year ago and I've been bedridden ever since after falling from a 10 ft height . I need like 3 surgeries and shit ton of rehab to walk again. We are tough mofos, I know because despite the circumstances we keep going. I know the uncertainty is scary but I truly admire you for fighting back with your depression and not giving up. If I could I'd give you an Oz of methoxetamine and do some lines with you. Go girl. 🤍✊
Omg my hero. It occurred to me to get to whatever is Left of the dark net I don’t even know where to start anymore… There must be something out similar but i don’t even know where to start anymore…there MUST be something out there I bet there is…SURELY.

I had an episode like that where I did a shot and slid down the bathroom wall. apparently I went to another place with my eyes wide open for a good 20 minutes or so. I remember everything as clear as day exactly what I saw it was a whole lot like a spiritual dream which I’ve had those often around various religious events and I’m not a religious person. But that time when I finally came to - someone’s voice really far off I started hearing it and it woke me back up but my first question was what the hell just happened and how long was I like that?

They said I stared wide eyed Ave straight ahead unflinching for a good at least 20m. Shocked I Said what? What did I look like? They said that I had my eyes wide open and was just staring off into space the whole time which blows my mind because I know exactly what I saw.

Really I guess it blows my mind’s eye.

It was & is mine blowing to think that I was fully present and eyes wide open remembering everything i saw.

Now I am unsure if I was on coke or meth because it was - wow maybe 8-10 yrs back But we were trying to get off of powdered coke which was quite enjoyable doing diff ROAs but I recall we had *just* finally found a meth connect which is not as easy to find or it used to not be in big cities as it is in the country. Actually when we refound meth bc I hadn’t much had it since HS again I remember saying it’s Coke with a smile because I hated crack man I thought I would die that way. And honestly I don’t remember although there’s another episode of some kind of stroke or something but I have never been the same since then and I can’t remember if it was Coke or meth either but i don’t remember a ton of things after that event. Most time someone said to me was probably a synapsis misfiring. So the next day when they had a little gummy lipped fit Where they couldn’t talk… I’m sorry I laughed Saying back to them, it was probably a brain synappsis misfiring. LOL

You know how they say if you don’t want To get drunk, don’t go to a bar? That’s never been so true in my life for a lot of reasons for a lot of things but sure enough a couple years passes and I have put lipstick on the pig or excuse my French here, polished that turd so conveniently forgetting all the bad things only remembering the best. So every few years I try crack again and luckily so far I say see that’s why I hate this shit. What’s unfortunate is that’s not what happened when I kept some H in the freezer for six months… I knew just don’t do it more than a day and even then I’m going to have wds bc I always do. People ask why do you have tears streaming and I don’t?? well because I was on over 400 mg methadone and over 32 mg of Suboxone when that time came and I was miserable. So it’s all my fault. I’m really disgusted.

I don’t drink anymore but I’ve been talking a lot about it lately and sure enough in the cabinet is a bottle of vodka That’s been there for over a year. The more I keep talking about it because I don’t have any cravings it’s not like I care if I drink, I just have not had any desire. I drank heavily the first couple of years. Like water bottle full of vodka drinking. The more I talk about it the more I remember a time when if I didn’t have one jigger of alcohol or 1 ounce of grain alcohol, my Xanax didn’t work properly. That may or may not have been true but it was definitely true by the time I ran out of Xanax. I was in Utah and you had to go to the state liquor store to get liquor so I got there with no money and no Xanax. So for like the first time in a year I had a Xanax with no shot of alcohol. I can’t express to you how miserable it made me so much so that I didn’t even notice blacking out.

I remember I came to about three in the morning and the last time I looked at the clock it was like 10 o’clock at night. The person I was talking to was just getting up to leave pissed off saying why did I have to be such a fucking bitch! They left but that’s when I realized oh my God I just lost a block of time!

I never did get any Xanax the whole nine months I was there but when I came back home - I don’t remember ever having Xanax and alcohol anymore. I’ve got the Xanax plenty of it but unfortunately I don’t want to sleep anymore than I do. That’s not a problem due to the dexamethasone and I’ve got two months well the end of this month finally I will be tapered/weaned back off of them will be finished.

Yet while talking so much about how i used to mix Xanax vodka, I’m starting to think maybe that’s what’s missing? See if you don’t want to drink don’t go into a bar! But it’s OK if I drink it’s just this dexamethasone has me so fucking manic that I cannot shut up. I stay glued to my phone but still can’t go play games or visit places like HERE that I would really like to until I calm down. I just get glued to the phone I’m in the middle of trying to move… Which will be wonderful I can’t wait. Yet my talking is incessant it has nothing to do with methamphetamine. If anything that would probably help me sleep.

Someone stole $300 worth of shit and then came to my house and hung out all night and since she left I haven’t been able to find any of that stuff anyway. Same old bullshit . People just find someone weak and you know I attract them like gangbusters - Those looking for a payout or for some meds or some money because I can’t pay attention. I’m running on like three cylinders maybe if I’m lucky so that brings up a song…

hey sincerely, thanks for listening and hanging on with me.

 
Omg my hero. It occurred to me to get to whatever is Left of the dark net I don’t even know where to start anymore… There must be something out similar but i don’t even know where to start anymore…there MUST be something out there I bet there is…SURELY.

I had an episode like that where I did a shot and slid down the bathroom wall. apparently I went to another place with my eyes wide open for a good 20 minutes or so. I remember everything as clear as day exactly what I saw it was a whole lot like a spiritual dream which I’ve had those often around various religious events and I’m not a religious person. But that time when I finally came to - someone’s voice really far off I started hearing it and it woke me back up but my first question was what the hell just happened and how long was I like that?

They said I stared wide eyed Ave straight ahead unflinching for a good at least 20m. Shocked I Said what? What did I look like? They said that I had my eyes wide open and was just staring off into space the whole time which blows my mind because I know exactly what I saw.

Really I guess it blows my mind’s eye.

It was & is mine blowing to think that I was fully present and eyes wide open remembering everything i saw.

Now I am unsure if I was on coke or meth because it was - wow maybe 8-10 yrs back But we were trying to get off of powdered coke which was quite enjoyable doing diff ROAs but I recall we had *just* finally found a meth connect which is not as easy to find or it used to not be in big cities as it is in the country. Actually when we refound meth bc I hadn’t much had it since HS again I remember saying it’s Coke with a smile because I hated crack man I thought I would die that way. And honestly I don’t remember although there’s another episode of some kind of stroke or something but I have never been the same since then and I can’t remember if it was Coke or meth either but i don’t remember a ton of things after that event. Most time someone said to me was probably a synapsis misfiring. So the next day when they had a little gummy lipped fit Where they couldn’t talk… I’m sorry I laughed Saying back to them, it was probably a brain synappsis misfiring. LOL

You know how they say if you don’t want To get drunk, don’t go to a bar? That’s never been so true in my life for a lot of reasons for a lot of things but sure enough a couple years passes and I have put lipstick on the pig or excuse my French here, polished that turd so conveniently forgetting all the bad things only remembering the best. So every few years I try crack again and luckily so far I say see that’s why I hate this shit. What’s unfortunate is that’s not what happened when I kept some H in the freezer for six months… I knew just don’t do it more than a day and even then I’m going to have wds bc I always do. People ask why do you have tears streaming and I don’t?? well because I was on over 400 mg methadone and over 32 mg of Suboxone when that time came and I was miserable. So it’s all my fault. I’m really disgusted.

I don’t drink anymore but I’ve been talking a lot about it lately and sure enough in the cabinet is a bottle of vodka That’s been there for over a year. The more I keep talking about it because I don’t have any cravings it’s not like I care if I drink, I just have not had any desire. I drank heavily the first couple of years. Like water bottle full of vodka drinking. The more I talk about it the more I remember a time when if I didn’t have one jigger of alcohol or 1 ounce of grain alcohol, my Xanax didn’t work properly. That may or may not have been true but it was definitely true by the time I ran out of Xanax. I was in Utah and you had to go to the state liquor store to get liquor so I got there with no money and no Xanax. So for like the first time in a year I had a Xanax with no shot of alcohol. I can’t express to you how miserable it made me so much so that I didn’t even notice blacking out.

I remember I came to about three in the morning and the last time I looked at the clock it was like 10 o’clock at night. The person I was talking to was just getting up to leave pissed off saying why did I have to be such a fucking bitch! They left but that’s when I realized oh my God I just lost a block of time!

I never did get any Xanax the whole nine months I was there but when I came back home - I don’t remember ever having Xanax and alcohol anymore. I’ve got the Xanax plenty of it but unfortunately I don’t want to sleep anymore than I do. That’s not a problem due to the dexamethasone and I’ve got two months well the end of this month finally I will be tapered/weaned back off of them will be finished.

Yet while talking so much about how i used to mix Xanax vodka, I’m starting to think maybe that’s what’s missing? See if you don’t want to drink don’t go into a bar! But it’s OK if I drink it’s just this dexamethasone has me so fucking manic that I cannot shut up. I stay glued to my phone but still can’t go play games or visit places like HERE that I would really like to until I calm down. I just get glued to the phone I’m in the middle of trying to move… Which will be wonderful I can’t wait. Yet my talking is incessant it has nothing to do with methamphetamine. If anything that would probably help me sleep.

Someone stole $300 worth of shit and then came to my house and hung out all night and since she left I haven’t been able to find any of that stuff anyway. Same old bullshit . People just find someone weak and you know I attract them like gangbusters - Those looking for a payout or for some meds or some money because I can’t pay attention. I’m running on like three cylinders maybe if I’m lucky so that brings up a song…

hey sincerely, thanks for listening and hanging on with me.


Thx for sharing....it seems like you've had a rocky road with iv coke and crack, that garbage is utter torture. You wanna know the truth? When I was young, naive and a person who hated and still hates himself for idk why the fk my selfesteem is on the floor.
Whenever I do cocaine iv and that was the last one tbfair. I stopped iving coke for fun after the 3rd time I did it.... THEN IT WAS JUST GETTING 5 GRAM BAGS and went on massive binges...I'd glob a clonazepam then proceed to prepare a speedball or two.
I'd spend all with my door locked with this demon inside me....he wanted me to die, I wasn't hearing any voices though. I ain't schizophrenic. It was more like a really dark energy that would take control of me. I'd shoot 2 speedball almost b2b.
I would feel the coke instantly rushing through my veins. All the caustic material ravaging my body while I could feel the coca all over my throat and my tongue, I could taste that poison.
While all of this happened my heart also felt like it was about to explode, my visión went kinda blurry. The rush from the morphine would peak alongside the coca and it was a match made in heaven....or hell. I'd go deaf for a good 2-3 mins while the Metallic train sound was coming to get me. I'd get so paranoid after all of this was over and sorry but I can't continue....just the thought of it makes me sick.i just wanted to fuckin die. But that wasn't the solution. Too much harm done, for anybody whos Reading this:
GET the fuck away from it, it almost destroyed my soul. If I'm still alive is cuz my mother Lucy protects me, she's my guardian ángel. Never ever inject this garbage, there is no real high from it. Just a lot of pain,hopelessness and despair.
Your body Is a temple you must protect it, it has to last for a while and this reckless behavior is unacceptable. Once you open this Pandoras Box, the game is on.... and it will rip your soul apart.
I hope anyone gets the message of my experience with IV BOI, so nobody repeats it
Much love and respect for yall.
Sincerely,
deep down from the bottom of my heart,
Nico(nznity).
 
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person. But that time when I finally came to - someone’s voice really far off I started hearing it and it woke me back up but my first question was what the hell just happened and how long was I like that?

They said I stared wide eyed Ave straight ahead unflinching for a good at least 20m. Shocked I Said what? What did I look like? They said that I had my eyes wide open and was just staring off into space the whole time which blows my mind because I know exactly what I saw.

Really I guess it blows my mind’s eye.

It was & is mine blowing to think that I was fully present and eyes wide open remembering everything i saw.

Now I am unsure if I was on coke or meth because it was - wow maybe 8-10 yrs back But we were trying to get off of powdered coke which was quite enjoyable doing diff ROAs but I recall we had *just* finally found a meth connect which is not as easy to find or it used to not be in big cities as it is in the country. Actually when we refound meth bc I hadn’t much had it since HS again I remember saying it’s Coke with a smile because I hated crack man I thought I would die that way. And honestly I don’t remember although there’s another episode of some kind of stroke or something but I have never been the same since then and I can’t remember if it was Coke or meth either but i don’t remember a ton of things after that event. Most time someone said to me was probably a synapsis misfiring. So the next day when they had a little gummy lipped fit Where they couldn’t talk… I’m sorry I laughed Saying back to them, it was probably a brain synappsis misfiring. LOL

You know how they say if you don’t want To get drunk, don’t go to a bar? That’s never been so true in my life for a lot of reasons for a lot of things but sure enough a couple years passes and I have put lipstick on the pig or excuse my French here, polished that turd so conveniently forgetting all the bad things only remembering the best. So every few years I try crack again and luckily so far I say see that’s why I hate this shit. What’s unfortunate is that’s not what happened when I kept some H in the freezer for six months… I knew just don’t do it more than a day and even then I’m going to have wds bc I always do. People ask why do you have tears streaming and I don’t?? well because I was on over 400 mg methadone and over 32 mg of Suboxone when that time came and I was miserable. So it’s all my fault. I’m really disgusted.

I don’t drink anymore but I’ve been talking a lot about it lately and sure enough in the cabinet is a bottle of vodka That’s been there for over a year. The more I keep talking about it because I don’t have any cravings it’s not like I care if I drink, I just have not had any desire. I drank heavily the first couple of years. Like water bottle full of vodka drinking. The more I talk about it the more I remember a time when if I didn’t have one jigger of alcohol or 1 ounce of grain alcohol, my Xanax didn’t work properly. That may or may not have been true but it was definitely true by the time I ran out of Xanax. I was in Utah and you had to go to the state liquor store to get liquor so I got there with no money and no Xanax. So for like the first time in a year I had a Xanax with no shot of alcohol. I can’t express to you how miserable it made me so much so that I didn’t even notice blacking out.

I remember I came to about three in the morning and the last time I looked at the clock it was like 10 o’clock at night. The person I was talking to was just getting up to leave pissed off saying why did I have to be such a fucking bitch! They left but that’s when I realized oh my God I just lost a block of time!

I never did get any Xanax the whole nine months I was there but when I came back home - I don’t remember ever having Xanax and alcohol anymore. I’ve got the Xanax plenty of it but unfortunately I don’t want to sleep anymore than I do. That’s not a problem due to the dexamethasone and I’ve got two months well the end of this month finally I will be tapered/weaned back off of them will be finished.

Yet while talking so much about how i used to mix Xanax vodka, I’m starting to think maybe that’s what’s missing? See if you don’t want to drink don’t go into a bar! But it’s OK if I drink it’s just this dexamethasone has me so fucking manic that I cannot shut up. I stay glued to my phone but still can’t go play games or visit places like HERE that I would really like to until I calm down. I just get glued to the phone I’m in the middle of trying to move… Which will be wonderful I can’t wait. Yet my talking is incessant it has nothing to do with methamphetamine. If anything that would probably help me sleep.

Someone stole $300 worth of shit and then came to my house and hung out all night and since she left I haven’t been able to find any of that stuff anyway. Same old bullshit . People just find someone weak and you know I attract them like gangbusters - Those looking for a payout or for some meds or some money because I can’t pay attention. I’m running on like three cylinders maybe if I’m lucky so that brings up a song…

hey sincerely, thanks for listening and hanging on with me.


Hey my weights are rising and i haven’t been an H addict but since 2000. Play memory lapses and all kinds of problems going on like brain fucking cancer no I’m not mad at all… I can’t remember a lot of things.

So I need to ask y’all some serious questions. I know opiate tolerance rises. I have not felt a Vicodin since They were called Vicodin. The good all days back when I thought I had some kind of control which I did actually buy that quickly goes.

Like I said I ended up going for methadone After a cold turkey hard with raw in PICU. They tried to send me back to residential treatment after three days but I literally couldn’t take my head from beneath my legs or seashray for a good five days. You know I thought they were gonna minimize the effects of the withdrawal in PICU but no that was just a fucking lock up where they called my father and put him on speakerphone saying they needed his permission to put me into long-term treatment like 2+ years in the state hospital. I remember it was like a three and I couldn’t see straight but also couldn’t talk! And this was the head of psychiatry. I couldn’t believe I paid to go to rehab and they’re calling my father when I’m 30 years old! Like what the fuck I paid for this! Nonetheless because of the things that happened in my life when I was a kid my mom, my dad said I’m sorry I’m not gonna have anything to do with this and he hangs up.

Score one for the dad team As I can’t imagine in any universe no matter how bad my life got That going to a state hospital for extended treatment would help me at the time in a positive anyway. Why don’t I was so sick I just wasn’t there were two that would’ve been kind of walk up or you just wait watching the clock and just never miss a beat because you’re just waiting to use again.

The doctor told me even though I feel like a caveman and that’s about the extent of my speech at that time seriously my eyes could not see straight and they put me in a shopping cart to carry me back to residential treatment! I remember it was several days of groups when all of a sudden someone goes OMG! It’s you that girl they brought over! Yeah well my shirt was half over my head my ass was hanging out of my shorts and people were walking by looking at me because it was day three. I don’t think they’ve had a lot of heroin problems there yet I think I might’ve been the first treatment because I didn’t even get a patch man! It was five days before I made it to smoke a cigarette. I would crawl on the floor and scream cigarette! I said I was four hours ago as was your meal. It was a hard way to go but I needed those days except I was there 30 days I was running laps doing ROPES -all this crap. When I get out I have no desire whatsoever I drive to the house and there’s a chicks convertible car in the driveway… I only called him because I didn’t have any other numbers! I cried because I had to get high and I didn’t want to which is in the first or the last time I’m sure but man it sucks I just went through 30 days of fucking treatment to turn right around and pick the phone up and called the only dealers number I had to just happen to be the H dealer. And snacks came method down and the pecan tro but I was still sick as a dog twice a day I never once got like I saw other people on over 400 mg people could be on 30 and be nodding and happy. And they wouldn’t give any take homes because I would get so sick by noon and then again early in the evening I have restless legs and just really sick… So I ended up cross or transferring again with crack to get off the fucking methadone. I mean that was standard fare just transference - And amazingly it does always work by now especially because nothing really works yet if I went off of one thing just pick another one up once you get those big three.

There was a time that I might’ve enjoyed meth Iv. I saw a lot of shit Wichita to a lot of people who say they never in their life I’ve seen anything like the illusions that I describe but it was almost magical to realize how much power there was in manifesting something before someone’s eyes and they can do the same to you just by asking if you noticed what they were looking at… I really saw some things and that’s why I liked about using anyway that and getting punch drunk which eventually I cupidity even get there again no matter how hard I tried so it was just sleep ev.

You know I’ve noticed there’s two types of users and what and I was the one that hated every minute of it and bitched about it to no avail for far too long… But it was all about sleep deprivation for me. I remember at the end of meth IV long time could be today but I’m too afraid of it now… I don’t know I don’t know why I guess the last time I tried it I busted out my front door and went knocking on someone else’s door that’s how unafraid I was of other people but how afraid I was being alone. it was a terrifying experience all the sudden - Something we used to push really hard to get to those levels you know?

I think it’s all because f MXE because there’s no drug in the world I know of except a MXE Where is suddenly I’m buying a micro milligram scale and actually using it. Suddenly I had a buffet of all these different really cool things to test out with MSDs which for right on man. It was nice to use something not cooked up somewhere like shaking bake although I would probably really enjoy that now because now it’s all nope. I swear it is although people argue that young people are still staying up for weeks at a time. I can’t believe that The analogs have fucked everything up.

Get it’s wild in enjoying MXE after you’re only shooting anything you do because any other way is such a freaking waste or so you believe… It was really wild to only want a tiny little bump. And believe me I tried the keyhole them home right away but I’m not Ivy the more I read about it I decided I would never going to do it which I’m tough man! Yet I was afraid I guess although of everyone I know, so many people got a little too much sometimes and it would run screaming like out of the place and disappear all night and then come home say I don’t ever want that again! It was mins blowing to me because those moments for me were when I was seeing the bokeh lights And in the presence of some deity… Floating unable to drive when I just accidentally did just a lil too much. But that was enjoyable to me it just wasn’t preferable most of the time because I saw it as not a drug at all but to be honest at the perfect time really it seemed like a gift from God. I mean it was made for me! Nothing makes me happier. It didn’t make me tired it didn’t make me stay awake he didn’t make me sad I was pretty freaking happy but when I was sad it felt good.

There was a time that I started IMing it because I’m game in trying almost always different ways - ROA - I guess it’s just part of the truck repertoire to say I’ve done it every way possible so it was weird to say I don’t wish to look for the Mhole my Ivine any MXE. I was gonna say I was never scared but no I would push the limit sometimes like when we were practicing I am in because something magical actually happened which blows my freaking literal mind. I wonder if anybody else has possibly experienced this with Mxe or ANYTHING because just like going back to doing little bumps it’s just surreal I’ve backed down to where I’m pretty much afraid to shoot anything but when I have to wear is I was always like there’s no other way but Ivy well you’re just throwing it away! You know I went through times where I couldn’t swallow a pill because I had to try to IV it I heard people saying they were shooting water and stupid shit no I never did that only one time did I ever accidentally shoot alcohol and that’s because it was in paregoric… And I had yet left town without any shit back in the 90s or whatever so once I got four hours from where I can get any and suddenly found myself really ill… They were two huge files of paregoric which is something needs to sell if you don’t know at the drugstore just like to say red devil lye or real Dexedrine just various things that I was always a little bit late to the party for … Except for propoxehexadrine I think it may be called. That was so stupid I had been threatened with if I use getting out because he decided to c/t quit meth but you can’t do that! I mean you can and he did but I couldn’t comply anything I can do was I never had a soma coma, in my life I’ve seen them and witnessed them And yes toward this is pretty disgusting, it’s true. I bet it’s fun but every time I saw someone have a soma coma They literally caused such a scene falling asleep in their food choking having to have their head held up slobbering it was really tough on their mates. But I was always baffled how they could take 20 and go into a soma coma - That or that shuffling thing I never had it and believe me I’ve taken plenty as if it was going to happen it would’ve happened,

Now I did have something else occur which I found out many years later was it can to a stroke which wow I’m getting high of a stroke. I don’t know if that’s true but I did read that what was occurring was a mini stroke. And it would always happen at the most in opportune time of course. I had this habit of taking two soma right before a meal - nay before even a bite of cheese. And I still have that sensation at every time I follow food where were my two Soma! It’s something missing now in my wife even taking one actually for real medicinal problems… It’s a miracle that they work at all and I’m not sure they do but I feel more content when I have them. So the couples off in September when I had surgery last when I needed the most!

But what would happen out of the blue when I was trying to hide my summer used and I was successful for two years… World fucked me up what is the legal highs because I would just search and search and read blue light and search for things to try that I could get away with like when he was out of town for 10 days without doing meth. Actually we lost our source so I didn’t even know where to get it and it had been so long send it Coke I had no idea on that and I wasn’t about at at a age to go out to the street anymore I don’t know why but it worked so I was kept clean against my will pretty much for two years I mean it’s as clean as I can imagine just taking some soma to get by and then the occasional trying something that 150,000 people said suck ass don’t do it don’t be stupid! Propoxyphene that’s what I think it’s called I think over-the-counter at CVS I mean it one time I get off at H by using loperamide which I have an all wrong because I read this great step down method it only took about a week and about 100 of them. So you know for good measure I took 96 from Walmart the first time . I fully studied don’t want to get died on it someone eventually did but they had taken several hundred and no one knew what their usage had been before.

May well suddenly the loperamide of all things felt so damn good that instead of waiting 36 hour half life and stepping things in half, The idiot me took double that amount the next day because it felt so damn good which means that I wasn’t feeling any other opiates except to be sick and so then I suddenly get this parkinsonian type loperamide high And I like it. It’s dirty your eyes twitch when I was taking over andAnd I like it. It’s dirty - your eyes twitch - but I was taking over 400 of those things for a while a day. It even got hard to maintain and I was reading about people stealing them off shelves and sure enough at least here I looked not too long ago and you can’t buy them not in those numbers you can buy 10 but I haven’t gone to Costco or looked online because you have to have two bottles of 200 for four dollars from Costco if you’re gonna do that. I remember I left like 400 in a jacket pocket and someone accused me of having 400 Ativan while I was gone because I found them. It’s kind of funny because I cannot convince them that they were fucking what is it called shit medicine. People with laugh and say oh yeah I’m gonna shit bricks! Yeah what do you think you’re doing now on opiates now dummy? The whole blood brain barrier thing is very real and I found one study back then we only like 20 people who all tried shooting it and had immediate brainstem damage. And, there was one guy who killed himself he had been doing whatever they had whatever formula they kept replacing it ass over the years because back in the day you can go to the grocery store and buy Dexedrine or Dexatrim I guess, and I had been told you had to add a precursor to it I don’t think so because we were walking to trailer houses when I was a kid and everyone will be sitting at the table playing cards And everyone had an inhaler which I just thought the whole room was sick but it smelled like Mentholatum. The propoxyhexadrine Or whatever it’s called so I’m not gonna look it up actually surprise me.

You know after reading all these people say don’t do it don’t do it! You’ll be sick forever with the Mentholatum mixed with lavender if you don’t do a little bit of chemistry or you can be like a kid trying to get high off a legal high and just break the thing open and swallow it with a Coca-Cola. That’s what I did and to my surprise for like four hours man I couldn’t see straight I was sitting in front of my PC legs crossed akimbo just spinning but also humming. I mean it was a good feeling like this is home and I was so freaking high that it wasn’t like meth but it was. Headed up then begin while only throwing up for the next two days, we might’ve had an issue. Yeah that guaranteed that I never touched even the second file that I had. I mean it was a great hike for four hours so good that I’ve never forgotten it but it was so bad for the next two days and I didn’t lose anybody talking about being Violently ill like that. See I went through the 150 K people saying don’t do it you’ll regret it and found the one girl who said yeah make a baggie of it up keep it under the sink - The girl saying I love it I do it almost every day! So I was looking for the exception to the rule because I really found maybe three people say anything positive at all but you know I was definitely try it because I needed to get high What should I wear today I feel like a fish out of water. I can’t find anything to get inebriated on. I wouldn’t even say I get high except I’m ill obviously or I’m going through the motions hoping against hope that maybe something is working. Yet when you stop wanting to be drowsy because Xanax never made me drowsy but so much so that if I take a Xanax now I’ll fall asleep that I don’t want to. Period so I may not even like summer anymore it’s such a trip to reverse yourself out of this. A little bit late I’m sure. But it’s because of MXE and the Micro milligram analogues which you had to follow that! In fact I remember being amazing I’m not sure in what way because I can’t remember now how a gram is so much more without all that shit cut into it. I’m sure it was the same amount and I can’t quite remember what made me notice but having purity from a medicinal laboratory in China or Europe just showed me the possibilities of what could be done here instead of taking everything away & these 10y patents- I just can’t believe they’re removing the only things that even possibly can work and it’s anything that was in the California cocktail which is 2 2 & 2 - lortabs soma & bars. I know I forgot one and see dose someone with that when they asked me to get them fucked up. They were fine laying on the floor a little bit screaming I stood over them till they started snoring And I could throw a blanket over them. You know I still stood there with the phone in hand just in case which is one of the things that really test your character I think because I always wondered what people would do. I’ve heard such horror stories when I was in that situation where someone died and in an instant I was on the phone I didn’t try to put anything up and I even admitted it administering. Believe me the cops were fucking flabbergasted. They had me throw away the chocolate, that whatever they called crack because he tried crack a day too After like a year of talking on the phone having met at a rehab Yet he was there for powdered cocaine in in my mind that was almost like going to rehab for pot. So I just talk to him on the phone at night because he live like a street away from me. That was standard though because if anyone comes over when you do the big three they’re going to take it all anyway it’s not a social thing none of them are. That’s when things get serious in my opinion I didn’t know that until the day I picked up crack which was a fluke but you know now I can look back and realize all those people who said man you got a fucking problem while they’re doing a line they’re all crackheads now. Like I said I never thought I’d get away from it so why would pick it up just recently is beyond me. I picked it up in September like $5 worth for $60 bullshit but it was the night before my surgery and I wanted to get high because I can’t get high! Lol it’s kind of funny but it’s not because now I need something/ anything to work worse than ever but they told me one day things wouldn’t work anymore and it’s like how the hell do you figure that? That is, until it happens to you. For anyone worried about veins it is a huge freaking problem. Hospitals are not equipped with things to find means in fact I’ve only ever seen that machine one time during a port replacement surgery where is Dickheadz gave me fentanyl and couldn’t put me under because nothings gonna work I have found something at work so I just can’t go buy it and it may be the same cost and I can’t get a Mexico or I can’t find the doctor in town that should be giving me the shit which would actually works is one thing I never abused I used it one time in 2000 and it was like 120 OXY that I split. At the time I was a heavy heroin addict like every four hours and still so sick so no I didn’t like that at all it cost a fortune and I never touched it again until I was clean from opiates cause I’ve been clean forever from opiates because nobody needs to be addicted to opiates! I mean it’s very difficult to maintain any kind of anything from it other than not getting sick and that’s what the whole thing is about which I gladly traded my crack habit to be physically ill and I did say thanks every day that I had a physical monkey on my back rather than an underlying chorus or cacophony of the word crack crack crack crack crack crack crack driving me fucking insane. I actually had to make a story about Robert Danny Junior and how he got off of crack by switching to heroin and it wasn’t even true and I knew that but it helped me tremendously I went from I really long crack bean straight into every four hours 50 bucks and I remember I kept saying you think I’m addicted yet you think I’m addicted yet? I wanted that so badly and he did work although for a while ended up missing him and then because the methadone didn’t work, suddenly I couldn’t pass the 21 day coke test panel. I mean I was miserable the whole time anyway I was sick every single day twice a day so there was nothing I could do I actually got some cocaine paste and didn’t even know what the fuck it was it was being friendly to me about $4000 worth actually while buying H. I never paid it off but I never knew what it was until many years later cause it was yellow it would never dry it was very not gasoline but maybe turpentine. I’ve seen enough shows now that was co-paste and she wanted to dry it so she could sell it at the club but she couldn’t sell it to anybody because it would never try so she kept fronting it to me. I always wondered why it never felt like that again after it was gone because I would go to the Burger King believe it or not because I was driving around at the time cause I couldn’t be at home and at the Burger King you go in the side door and no one would see you walking to the bathroom she could sit there. So I sit there in silence with my little bottle of water and fucking drop the cap always when someone was in the stall brside me. I remember it being horrifying it’s time cause you couldn’t grab that shit up fast enough but I also remember I wasn’t missing and I couldn’t walk for 15-20 minutes after dosing. I mean I was so fucking high that I’ve never felt that before so I always thought back to it wondering why was it so good Plus why wasn’t I running out in terror or just horrified by such strength? I mean something like that any other time would’ve scared the shit out of me but I think you even did so then because it was so freaking powerful but that’s the thing it was so freaking powerful that I wouldn’t short myself. Many times after that I’ll do accidentally too Little And I kind of feel the same thing it’s still true as always which pretty much with anything that I do if I don’t get the right size the first time there is no going back it’s a waste. Whatever that stuff was was so freaking powerful I did it it’s like being unable to even walk and earthquake going while the freight trains in my head for 15 to 20 minutes. Then I’d slipped back out and leave.

The soma stroke thing Was strange but very rare and unexpected it happened a lot more in the beginning and I couldn’t hide it and when it would happen I can’t hide it so I almost got busted. It totally coincides with taking two Soma and a bite of food instantly following. What would happen on rare occasions like once a year even eventually is the second I took that bite of food, I would start slurring and shuffling my feet if I could get up. I ended up ones out in the yard kind of shaking like an idiot. So my dad or my ex will see this and they seen it before because it was always at the dinner table usually and without fail when I knew it was Soma They would be disgusted and even say so like oh my God look at you so disgusting! But it was gone in less than five minutes like nothing ever happened and I’ll be like what what are you talking about? Lol. Stooopid.


I just find it unbelievable that I was ever able toI back down so much so that I am afraid of needles - that’s kind of not true but very true in some ways. I never imagined using them again that’s all. And I still haven’t asked my question. Those 2 years meth clean i struggled taking 20-25 soma a day bc I was buying those sheets for $.35 each sheets of 10 from India and they would go right through customs marking what they were they came every Monday and I never got a blue letter or love letter, thank God.

Okay my question is of course I realize Opie it tolerance rises. When I started back I started at around 15 or 20 as in points. It’s been about a year and you know I have maintained at those levels pretty miserably at times because I didn’t need the money going beyond that because it’s hard obviously to maintain that kind of addiction especially at the prices I was getting because me being brain damage not paying attention and it was six months before I realized that I was still buying $100 per G. Then it dawned on me because no one‘s around to say oh my god you’re getting screwed… Wait a minute shouldn’t be getting a discount because I by 600 every time I see you which was 2x per/m So do the math because I’m a math tard right now … I was hoping to do three a day but was actually doing four just because that’s the pattern that I set up so long ago to my detriment and I bought 1200 straight so 12g. And I can’t tell you it gets scary because I can’t face running out obviously! I’m in it’s gotten really close and some box doesn’t work at all nor does methodown there’s no use in me even going! Except maybe to meet some people but anyway I digress because I have been thinking about that. I just can’t remember to get up at 5 o’clock and go. What a racket but anyway so right before he went to jail I found out that wait a minute I said something and he said yeah I can give you nine for six OK that’s still not a good deal lol but I was very happy because I only knew one person anyway and I’ve got to maintain. It’s been that way because everyone uses the course that I meet is one guy that didn’t but he was the one charging me 1200. You know he ripped me off pretty good too right for a went to jail and he just called me he’s out of jail after having so many egg charges he would never be out he must’ve been turning people in and he started calling me asking if he could buy things so I’m a little bit freaked out. He didn’t call again because someone Musta told him so I called someone immediately and said look I don’t need him asking me that shit much less through messenger.

Well now I’m just really happy yes price just went up but it’s like 14 for six or more I can’t remember so I was just about to get one for one thing which that’s cutting it so fucking close but if I have that Of course I have peace of mind that I don’t have otherwise I think 15 to last me a month or it could be cutting people are really hard to 12 all my talking about OK so I think now 15 can last me. Of course I try not to worry about when she flakes again. Because then there’s a problem because I don’t know where to find the person that hasn’t ripped me off yet or gone to jail. And of course she’s out of her place with high traffic so I know that’s not gonna last so in a way I want to take EVERY cent i I have & go there right now lol. FRFR.

She will disappear and there will be a problem even if she just flakes because she does that. She has two a day and she’s got her bottle of pills methadone like 240 mg she keeps trying to give them to me and I said man are you not hearing me I was taken out over 400 mg a day and it didn’t work I was sick so there’s no way I’m buying 240 these things probably eight per milligram size that I was never not sick! Those two things are off the table no Suboxone and no methadone. Now I was surprised that people are choosing some subs that I have over tats like willing to go way mor for 2 mg uncoated subs. This was during the pandemic and I went by myself and I was looking for relief big time yet going at that time is the exact right time to get counterfeit so everything I bought was not in blisters so you know that usually is something that you’re unable to get rid of because there’s no markings whatsoever so people have to trust that you say what it is so I was given on my way at face value -less than a buck Just to try to get a little something something back because it was garbage for me. So after I give someone a couple a few times they sd they didn’t want anymore tabs. OK so I instantly those white things went to eight at the time which I couldn’t if I wanted to right now I just I just don’t know anyone and I’m not going out there man not in this kind of shape I don’t wanna die in jail. So she said deal! So I’ve seen you know his trips and all that shit and you can get those but people like these 2 mg white uncoded more so then tabs I’m starting to notice people liking any subs more than tabs I just don’t understand how that can be possible even so maybe someone could explain it although I don’t expect to ever have anything like that work for me. It took me eight months to realize less is so much more with subs for me and I was still miserable I was just waiting for my opium poppies to come back because I didn’t buy both scraps at your house only bought the one crop in May which after having to go on subs never happened again for like eight years I got climate control storage just stay on top of that. It was good Times hard to get off of but you know I was most worried about getting off of the loperamide because of its half-life. I did so in jail and by now all bets are off I realize because I don’t even think about a cigarette when I used to couldn’t even eat for days because I knew I want one I barely smoke now I like vapes all of a sudden I tried I didn’t like them I was so mad because I had quit smoking for seven months all I ask with somebody please bring me a zero nicotine cinnamon Vape and then if I feel like I need to suck on something then there you go. No one was ever going to bring that to me which hurts my feelings almost because I was preaching to the choir about how it had been so long no one needed cigarettes anymore ! It was my chance to quit as the way I felt and I see the devils everywhere I guess so because people couldn’t serve pack of cigarettes at me fast enough.

All right so I asked her what she does and she said she does to a day and I need to get 2/d. So then I ask well when you miss personally does it last you longer do you think or not or less time. She said oh definitely less. See is different than it was in 2000 contact if you missed it created this coating around it and if I missed I might have to try for 45 minutes back in after I destroyed everything by not reading about harm reduction. If I missed I was never not sick it was as if I threw it away like it just stayed under your skin. That’s completely changed now at least it dissipates because I have a hell of a time ever finding something but something much more horrible happens which is not a cyst but basically a full wound bed that looks like you had chickenpox and has scarred me for life because my veins are all burned up from chemo and from years of miss you until they were so hidden I never saw them for years. So yes I was always concerned of what would happen if I ever needed blood transfusions or some such and it’s worse than I ever imagined right now to be honest. Are used to imagine I would get a medalert just so they would know what to do because they would never find a vein nothing in my arms and that’s true today but so much worse. I have a medport but they can’t use it all the time and it doesn’t work I just got a new one now this one’s not working so they’re about to do some kind of test to see why but I know why and that’s because the second anything touches my blood it clogs Or instantly without fail coagulates.

So actually the last few days but I’ve gotten away with is that jumped up to making 3 out of .8. I like it a lot because I definitely feel it way longer than I ever did 20 years ago. Back then or however long ago it was I felt that nice place for maybe all of 2 weeks. So I was really just made when I noticed everyone else we’d been doing it 20 years still nodding on nothing when I could not for anything in the world not for the rest of my career back then.

So I’m probably playing with fire but I think I’m getting by with two a day and I’m very happy with it. Of course I know all about reverse tolerance and I’ve had several episodes if not more and I have no luck so I finally pick some up but I know it would never be for me. There’s no way because you’re out now. Also I know that there’s a super high percentage of people that don’t have a sitter who passed away. So I understand the risks involved but I like much more been able to even tell that I did something and just maintaining. So my concern now is am I screwing up so bad that I’m going to need 20 a-month or something? Do I need to get back down to 15 and just occasionally imbibe ? Buddy know the answer to this question? Because there’s a part of me is brain dead as I am that knows damn well that opiate tolerance rises so there’s no way that I’m not screwing up my bed unless I can just stay at two a day even though that’s way more than 15×4. I never did 15 it was more like 20×4 so it’s the same amount in my opinion I just split it up into two maybe three instead of four so I got to be safe right? I don’t mean safe don’t take it that way there’s nothing about it is safe esp with me finding a level that actually is satisfying. I’m amazed I just don’t wanna screw it up. All right thanks for listening to my long winded crap. I promise you it’ll be the end of the month but then I’ll be off of the steroids and back to normal quality talking. I hate it I can’t even be around anyone because I can’t shut the fuck up. It’s not mess like I said I wish it was but maybe only if I could get some shake and bake or something because whatever’s out there just doesn’t do it. I just had some that was great But idiot me when I have no business open the doors somebody and let some in which I don’t do for this very reason but especially now when I can’t pay attention and I’m walking in the bathroom and shutting the door All the while saying yeah I trust you it’s great to trust someone! I don’t know what that was based upon except hope.

So if you made it this far and you saw my question please do tell what you know because I can’t remember or when I do I’ll be really upset and wonder how I ever freaking forgot. Thanks y’all.
 
Hey my weights are rising and i haven’t been an H addict but since 2000. Play memory lapses and all kinds of problems going on like brain fucking cancer no I’m not mad at all… I can’t remember a lot of things.

So I need to ask y’all some serious questions. I know opiate tolerance rises. I have not felt a Vicodin since They were called Vicodin. The good all days back when I thought I had some kind of control which I did actually buy that quickly goes.

Like I said I ended up going for methadone After a cold turkey hard with raw in PICU. They tried to send me back to residential treatment after three days but I literally couldn’t take my head from beneath my legs or seashray for a good five days. You know I thought they were gonna minimize the effects of the withdrawal in PICU but no that was just a fucking lock up where they called my father and put him on speakerphone saying they needed his permission to put me into long-term treatment like 2+ years in the state hospital. I remember it was like a three and I couldn’t see straight but also couldn’t talk! And this was the head of psychiatry. I couldn’t believe I paid to go to rehab and they’re calling my father when I’m 30 years old! Like what the fuck I paid for this! Nonetheless because of the things that happened in my life when I was a kid my mom, my dad said I’m sorry I’m not gonna have anything to do with this and he hangs up.

Score one for the dad team As I can’t imagine in any universe no matter how bad my life got That going to a state hospital for extended treatment would help me at the time in a positive anyway. Why don’t I was so sick I just wasn’t there were two that would’ve been kind of walk up or you just wait watching the clock and just never miss a beat because you’re just waiting to use again.

The doctor told me even though I feel like a caveman and that’s about the extent of my speech at that time seriously my eyes could not see straight and they put me in a shopping cart to carry me back to residential treatment! I remember it was several days of groups when all of a sudden someone goes OMG! It’s you that girl they brought over! Yeah well my shirt was half over my head my ass was hanging out of my shorts and people were walking by looking at me because it was day three. I don’t think they’ve had a lot of heroin problems there yet I think I might’ve been the first treatment because I didn’t even get a patch man! It was five days before I made it to smoke a cigarette. I would crawl on the floor and scream cigarette! I said I was four hours ago as was your meal. It was a hard way to go but I needed those days except I was there 30 days I was running laps doing ROPES -all this crap. When I get out I have no desire whatsoever I drive to the house and there’s a chicks convertible car in the driveway… I only called him because I didn’t have any other numbers! I cried because I had to get high and I didn’t want to which is in the first or the last time I’m sure but man it sucks I just went through 30 days of fucking treatment to turn right around and pick the phone up and called the only dealers number I had to just happen to be the H dealer. And snacks came method down and the pecan tro but I was still sick as a dog twice a day I never once got like I saw other people on over 400 mg people could be on 30 and be nodding and happy. And they wouldn’t give any take homes because I would get so sick by noon and then again early in the evening I have restless legs and just really sick… So I ended up cross or transferring again with crack to get off the fucking methadone. I mean that was standard fare just transference - And amazingly it does always work by now especially because nothing really works yet if I went off of one thing just pick another one up once you get those big three.

There was a time that I might’ve enjoyed meth Iv. I saw a lot of shit Wichita to a lot of people who say they never in their life I’ve seen anything like the illusions that I describe but it was almost magical to realize how much power there was in manifesting something before someone’s eyes and they can do the same to you just by asking if you noticed what they were looking at… I really saw some things and that’s why I liked about using anyway that and getting punch drunk which eventually I cupidity even get there again no matter how hard I tried so it was just sleep ev.

You know I’ve noticed there’s two types of users and what and I was the one that hated every minute of it and bitched about it to no avail for far too long… But it was all about sleep deprivation for me. I remember at the end of meth IV long time could be today but I’m too afraid of it now… I don’t know I don’t know why I guess the last time I tried it I busted out my front door and went knocking on someone else’s door that’s how unafraid I was of other people but how afraid I was being alone. it was a terrifying experience all the sudden - Something we used to push really hard to get to those levels you know?

I think it’s all because f MXE because there’s no drug in the world I know of except a MXE Where is suddenly I’m buying a micro milligram scale and actually using it. Suddenly I had a buffet of all these different really cool things to test out with MSDs which for right on man. It was nice to use something not cooked up somewhere like shaking bake although I would probably really enjoy that now because now it’s all nope. I swear it is although people argue that young people are still staying up for weeks at a time. I can’t believe that The analogs have fucked everything up.

Get it’s wild in enjoying MXE after you’re only shooting anything you do because any other way is such a freaking waste or so you believe… It was really wild to only want a tiny little bump. And believe me I tried the keyhole them home right away but I’m not Ivy the more I read about it I decided I would never going to do it which I’m tough man! Yet I was afraid I guess although of everyone I know, so many people got a little too much sometimes and it would run screaming like out of the place and disappear all night and then come home say I don’t ever want that again! It was mins blowing to me because those moments for me were when I was seeing the bokeh lights And in the presence of some deity… Floating unable to drive when I just accidentally did just a lil too much. But that was enjoyable to me it just wasn’t preferable most of the time because I saw it as not a drug at all but to be honest at the perfect time really it seemed like a gift from God. I mean it was made for me! Nothing makes me happier. It didn’t make me tired it didn’t make me stay awake he didn’t make me sad I was pretty freaking happy but when I was sad it felt good.

There was a time that I started IMing it because I’m game in trying almost always different ways - ROA - I guess it’s just part of the truck repertoire to say I’ve done it every way possible so it was weird to say I don’t wish to look for the Mhole my Ivine any MXE. I was gonna say I was never scared but no I would push the limit sometimes like when we were practicing I am in because something magical actually happened which blows my freaking literal mind. I wonder if anybody else has possibly experienced this with Mxe or ANYTHING because just like going back to doing little bumps it’s just surreal I’ve backed down to where I’m pretty much afraid to shoot anything but when I have to wear is I was always like there’s no other way but Ivy well you’re just throwing it away! You know I went through times where I couldn’t swallow a pill because I had to try to IV it I heard people saying they were shooting water and stupid shit no I never did that only one time did I ever accidentally shoot alcohol and that’s because it was in paregoric… And I had yet left town without any shit back in the 90s or whatever so once I got four hours from where I can get any and suddenly found myself really ill… They were two huge files of paregoric which is something needs to sell if you don’t know at the drugstore just like to say red devil lye or real Dexedrine just various things that I was always a little bit late to the party for … Except for propoxehexadrine I think it may be called. That was so stupid I had been threatened with if I use getting out because he decided to c/t quit meth but you can’t do that! I mean you can and he did but I couldn’t comply anything I can do was I never had a soma coma, in my life I’ve seen them and witnessed them And yes toward this is pretty disgusting, it’s true. I bet it’s fun but every time I saw someone have a soma coma They literally caused such a scene falling asleep in their food choking having to have their head held up slobbering it was really tough on their mates. But I was always baffled how they could take 20 and go into a soma coma - That or that shuffling thing I never had it and believe me I’ve taken plenty as if it was going to happen it would’ve happened,

Now I did have something else occur which I found out many years later was it can to a stroke which wow I’m getting high of a stroke. I don’t know if that’s true but I did read that what was occurring was a mini stroke. And it would always happen at the most in opportune time of course. I had this habit of taking two soma right before a meal - nay before even a bite of cheese. And I still have that sensation at every time I follow food where were my two Soma! It’s something missing now in my wife even taking one actually for real medicinal problems… It’s a miracle that they work at all and I’m not sure they do but I feel more content when I have them. So the couples off in September when I had surgery last when I needed the most!

But what would happen out of the blue when I was trying to hide my summer used and I was successful for two years… World fucked me up what is the legal highs because I would just search and search and read blue light and search for things to try that I could get away with like when he was out of town for 10 days without doing meth. Actually we lost our source so I didn’t even know where to get it and it had been so long send it Coke I had no idea on that and I wasn’t about at at a age to go out to the street anymore I don’t know why but it worked so I was kept clean against my will pretty much for two years I mean it’s as clean as I can imagine just taking some soma to get by and then the occasional trying something that 150,000 people said suck ass don’t do it don’t be stupid! Propoxyphene that’s what I think it’s called I think over-the-counter at CVS I mean it one time I get off at H by using loperamide which I have an all wrong because I read this great step down method it only took about a week and about 100 of them. So you know for good measure I took 96 from Walmart the first time . I fully studied don’t want to get died on it someone eventually did but they had taken several hundred and no one knew what their usage had been before.

May well suddenly the loperamide of all things felt so damn good that instead of waiting 36 hour half life and stepping things in half, The idiot me took double that amount the next day because it felt so damn good which means that I wasn’t feeling any other opiates except to be sick and so then I suddenly get this parkinsonian type loperamide high And I like it. It’s dirty your eyes twitch when I was taking over andAnd I like it. It’s dirty - your eyes twitch - but I was taking over 400 of those things for a while a day. It even got hard to maintain and I was reading about people stealing them off shelves and sure enough at least here I looked not too long ago and you can’t buy them not in those numbers you can buy 10 but I haven’t gone to Costco or looked online because you have to have two bottles of 200 for four dollars from Costco if you’re gonna do that. I remember I left like 400 in a jacket pocket and someone accused me of having 400 Ativan while I was gone because I found them. It’s kind of funny because I cannot convince them that they were fucking what is it called shit medicine. People with laugh and say oh yeah I’m gonna shit bricks! Yeah what do you think you’re doing now on opiates now dummy? The whole blood brain barrier thing is very real and I found one study back then we only like 20 people who all tried shooting it and had immediate brainstem damage. And, there was one guy who killed himself he had been doing whatever they had whatever formula they kept replacing it ass over the years because back in the day you can go to the grocery store and buy Dexedrine or Dexatrim I guess, and I had been told you had to add a precursor to it I don’t think so because we were walking to trailer houses when I was a kid and everyone will be sitting at the table playing cards And everyone had an inhaler which I just thought the whole room was sick but it smelled like Mentholatum. The propoxyhexadrine Or whatever it’s called so I’m not gonna look it up actually surprise me.

You know after reading all these people say don’t do it don’t do it! You’ll be sick forever with the Mentholatum mixed with lavender if you don’t do a little bit of chemistry or you can be like a kid trying to get high off a legal high and just break the thing open and swallow it with a Coca-Cola. That’s what I did and to my surprise for like four hours man I couldn’t see straight I was sitting in front of my PC legs crossed akimbo just spinning but also humming. I mean it was a good feeling like this is home and I was so freaking high that it wasn’t like meth but it was. Headed up then begin while only throwing up for the next two days, we might’ve had an issue. Yeah that guaranteed that I never touched even the second file that I had. I mean it was a great hike for four hours so good that I’ve never forgotten it but it was so bad for the next two days and I didn’t lose anybody talking about being Violently ill like that. See I went through the 150 K people saying don’t do it you’ll regret it and found the one girl who said yeah make a baggie of it up keep it under the sink - The girl saying I love it I do it almost every day! So I was looking for the exception to the rule because I really found maybe three people say anything positive at all but you know I was definitely try it because I needed to get high What should I wear today I feel like a fish out of water. I can’t find anything to get inebriated on. I wouldn’t even say I get high except I’m ill obviously or I’m going through the motions hoping against hope that maybe something is working. Yet when you stop wanting to be drowsy because Xanax never made me drowsy but so much so that if I take a Xanax now I’ll fall asleep that I don’t want to. Period so I may not even like summer anymore it’s such a trip to reverse yourself out of this. A little bit late I’m sure. But it’s because of MXE and the Micro milligram analogues which you had to follow that! In fact I remember being amazing I’m not sure in what way because I can’t remember now how a gram is so much more without all that shit cut into it. I’m sure it was the same amount and I can’t quite remember what made me notice but having purity from a medicinal laboratory in China or Europe just showed me the possibilities of what could be done here instead of taking everything away & these 10y patents- I just can’t believe they’re removing the only things that even possibly can work and it’s anything that was in the California cocktail which is 2 2 & 2 - lortabs soma & bars. I know I forgot one and see dose someone with that when they asked me to get them fucked up. They were fine laying on the floor a little bit screaming I stood over them till they started snoring And I could throw a blanket over them. You know I still stood there with the phone in hand just in case which is one of the things that really test your character I think because I always wondered what people would do. I’ve heard such horror stories when I was in that situation where someone died and in an instant I was on the phone I didn’t try to put anything up and I even admitted it administering. Believe me the cops were fucking flabbergasted. They had me throw away the chocolate, that whatever they called crack because he tried crack a day too After like a year of talking on the phone having met at a rehab Yet he was there for powdered cocaine in in my mind that was almost like going to rehab for pot. So I just talk to him on the phone at night because he live like a street away from me. That was standard though because if anyone comes over when you do the big three they’re going to take it all anyway it’s not a social thing none of them are. That’s when things get serious in my opinion I didn’t know that until the day I picked up crack which was a fluke but you know now I can look back and realize all those people who said man you got a fucking problem while they’re doing a line they’re all crackheads now. Like I said I never thought I’d get away from it so why would pick it up just recently is beyond me. I picked it up in September like $5 worth for $60 bullshit but it was the night before my surgery and I wanted to get high because I can’t get high! Lol it’s kind of funny but it’s not because now I need something/ anything to work worse than ever but they told me one day things wouldn’t work anymore and it’s like how the hell do you figure that? That is, until it happens to you. For anyone worried about veins it is a huge freaking problem. Hospitals are not equipped with things to find means in fact I’ve only ever seen that machine one time during a port replacement surgery where is Dickheadz gave me fentanyl and couldn’t put me under because nothings gonna work I have found something at work so I just can’t go buy it and it may be the same cost and I can’t get a Mexico or I can’t find the doctor in town that should be giving me the shit which would actually works is one thing I never abused I used it one time in 2000 and it was like 120 OXY that I split. At the time I was a heavy heroin addict like every four hours and still so sick so no I didn’t like that at all it cost a fortune and I never touched it again until I was clean from opiates cause I’ve been clean forever from opiates because nobody needs to be addicted to opiates! I mean it’s very difficult to maintain any kind of anything from it other than not getting sick and that’s what the whole thing is about which I gladly traded my crack habit to be physically ill and I did say thanks every day that I had a physical monkey on my back rather than an underlying chorus or cacophony of the word crack crack crack crack crack crack crack driving me fucking insane. I actually had to make a story about Robert Danny Junior and how he got off of crack by switching to heroin and it wasn’t even true and I knew that but it helped me tremendously I went from I really long crack bean straight into every four hours 50 bucks and I remember I kept saying you think I’m addicted yet you think I’m addicted yet? I wanted that so badly and he did work although for a while ended up missing him and then because the methadone didn’t work, suddenly I couldn’t pass the 21 day coke test panel. I mean I was miserable the whole time anyway I was sick every single day twice a day so there was nothing I could do I actually got some cocaine paste and didn’t even know what the fuck it was it was being friendly to me about $4000 worth actually while buying H. I never paid it off but I never knew what it was until many years later cause it was yellow it would never dry it was very not gasoline but maybe turpentine. I’ve seen enough shows now that was co-paste and she wanted to dry it so she could sell it at the club but she couldn’t sell it to anybody because it would never try so she kept fronting it to me. I always wondered why it never felt like that again after it was gone because I would go to the Burger King believe it or not because I was driving around at the time cause I couldn’t be at home and at the Burger King you go in the side door and no one would see you walking to the bathroom she could sit there. So I sit there in silence with my little bottle of water and fucking drop the cap always when someone was in the stall brside me. I remember it being horrifying it’s time cause you couldn’t grab that shit up fast enough but I also remember I wasn’t missing and I couldn’t walk for 15-20 minutes after dosing. I mean I was so fucking high that I’ve never felt that before so I always thought back to it wondering why was it so good Plus why wasn’t I running out in terror or just horrified by such strength? I mean something like that any other time would’ve scared the shit out of me but I think you even did so then because it was so freaking powerful but that’s the thing it was so freaking powerful that I wouldn’t short myself. Many times after that I’ll do accidentally too Little And I kind of feel the same thing it’s still true as always which pretty much with anything that I do if I don’t get the right size the first time there is no going back it’s a waste. Whatever that stuff was was so freaking powerful I did it it’s like being unable to even walk and earthquake going while the freight trains in my head for 15 to 20 minutes. Then I’d slipped back out and leave.

The soma stroke thing Was strange but very rare and unexpected it happened a lot more in the beginning and I couldn’t hide it and when it would happen I can’t hide it so I almost got busted. It totally coincides with taking two Soma and a bite of food instantly following. What would happen on rare occasions like once a year even eventually is the second I took that bite of food, I would start slurring and shuffling my feet if I could get up. I ended up ones out in the yard kind of shaking like an idiot. So my dad or my ex will see this and they seen it before because it was always at the dinner table usually and without fail when I knew it was Soma They would be disgusted and even say so like oh my God look at you so disgusting! But it was gone in less than five minutes like nothing ever happened and I’ll be like what what are you talking about? Lol. Stooopid.


I just find it unbelievable that I was ever able toI back down so much so that I am afraid of needles - that’s kind of not true but very true in some ways. I never imagined using them again that’s all. And I still haven’t asked my question. Those 2 years meth clean i struggled taking 20-25 soma a day bc I was buying those sheets for $.35 each sheets of 10 from India and they would go right through customs marking what they were they came every Monday and I never got a blue letter or love letter, thank God.

Okay my question is of course I realize Opie it tolerance rises. When I started back I started at around 15 or 20 as in points. It’s been about a year and you know I have maintained at those levels pretty miserably at times because I didn’t need the money going beyond that because it’s hard obviously to maintain that kind of addiction especially at the prices I was getting because me being brain damage not paying attention and it was six months before I realized that I was still buying $100 per G. Then it dawned on me because no one‘s around to say oh my god you’re getting screwed… Wait a minute shouldn’t be getting a discount because I by 600 every time I see you which was 2x per/m So do the math because I’m a math tard right now … I was hoping to do three a day but was actually doing four just because that’s the pattern that I set up so long ago to my detriment and I bought 1200 straight so 12g. And I can’t tell you it gets scary because I can’t face running out obviously! I’m in it’s gotten really close and some box doesn’t work at all nor does methodown there’s no use in me even going! Except maybe to meet some people but anyway I digress because I have been thinking about that. I just can’t remember to get up at 5 o’clock and go. What a racket but anyway so right before he went to jail I found out that wait a minute I said something and he said yeah I can give you nine for six OK that’s still not a good deal lol but I was very happy because I only knew one person anyway and I’ve got to maintain. It’s been that way because everyone uses the course that I meet is one guy that didn’t but he was the one charging me 1200. You know he ripped me off pretty good too right for a went to jail and he just called me he’s out of jail after having so many egg charges he would never be out he must’ve been turning people in and he started calling me asking if he could buy things so I’m a little bit freaked out. He didn’t call again because someone Musta told him so I called someone immediately and said look I don’t need him asking me that shit much less through messenger.

Well now I’m just really happy yes price just went up but it’s like 14 for six or more I can’t remember so I was just about to get one for one thing which that’s cutting it so fucking close but if I have that Of course I have peace of mind that I don’t have otherwise I think 15 to last me a month or it could be cutting people are really hard to 12 all my talking about OK so I think now 15 can last me. Of course I try not to worry about when she flakes again. Because then there’s a problem because I don’t know where to find the person that hasn’t ripped me off yet or gone to jail. And of course she’s out of her place with high traffic so I know that’s not gonna last so in a way I want to take EVERY cent i I have & go there right now lol. FRFR.

She will disappear and there will be a problem even if she just flakes because she does that. She has two a day and she’s got her bottle of pills methadone like 240 mg she keeps trying to give them to me and I said man are you not hearing me I was taken out over 400 mg a day and it didn’t work I was sick so there’s no way I’m buying 240 these things probably eight per milligram size that I was never not sick! Those two things are off the table no Suboxone and no methadone. Now I was surprised that people are choosing some subs that I have over tats like willing to go way mor for 2 mg uncoated subs. This was during the pandemic and I went by myself and I was looking for relief big time yet going at that time is the exact right time to get counterfeit so everything I bought was not in blisters so you know that usually is something that you’re unable to get rid of because there’s no markings whatsoever so people have to trust that you say what it is so I was given on my way at face value -less than a buck Just to try to get a little something something back because it was garbage for me. So after I give someone a couple a few times they sd they didn’t want anymore tabs. OK so I instantly those white things went to eight at the time which I couldn’t if I wanted to right now I just I just don’t know anyone and I’m not going out there man not in this kind of shape I don’t wanna die in jail. So she said deal! So I’ve seen you know his trips and all that shit and you can get those but people like these 2 mg white uncoded more so then tabs I’m starting to notice people liking any subs more than tabs I just don’t understand how that can be possible even so maybe someone could explain it although I don’t expect to ever have anything like that work for me. It took me eight months to realize less is so much more with subs for me and I was still miserable I was just waiting for my opium poppies to come back because I didn’t buy both scraps at your house only bought the one crop in May which after having to go on subs never happened again for like eight years I got climate control storage just stay on top of that. It was good Times hard to get off of but you know I was most worried about getting off of the loperamide because of its half-life. I did so in jail and by now all bets are off I realize because I don’t even think about a cigarette when I used to couldn’t even eat for days because I knew I want one I barely smoke now I like vapes all of a sudden I tried I didn’t like them I was so mad because I had quit smoking for seven months all I ask with somebody please bring me a zero nicotine cinnamon Vape and then if I feel like I need to suck on something then there you go. No one was ever going to bring that to me which hurts my feelings almost because I was preaching to the choir about how it had been so long no one needed cigarettes anymore ! It was my chance to quit as the way I felt and I see the devils everywhere I guess so because people couldn’t serve pack of cigarettes at me fast enough.

All right so I asked her what she does and she said she does to a day and I need to get 2/d. So then I ask well when you miss personally does it last you longer do you think or not or less time. She said oh definitely less. See is different than it was in 2000 contact if you missed it created this coating around it and if I missed I might have to try for 45 minutes back in after I destroyed everything by not reading about harm reduction. If I missed I was never not sick it was as if I threw it away like it just stayed under your skin. That’s completely changed now at least it dissipates because I have a hell of a time ever finding something but something much more horrible happens which is not a cyst but basically a full wound bed that looks like you had chickenpox and has scarred me for life because my veins are all burned up from chemo and from years of miss you until they were so hidden I never saw them for years. So yes I was always concerned of what would happen if I ever needed blood transfusions or some such and it’s worse than I ever imagined right now to be honest. Are used to imagine I would get a medalert just so they would know what to do because they would never find a vein nothing in my arms and that’s true today but so much worse. I have a medport but they can’t use it all the time and it doesn’t work I just got a new one now this one’s not working so they’re about to do some kind of test to see why but I know why and that’s because the second anything touches my blood it clogs Or instantly without fail coagulates.

So actually the last few days but I’ve gotten away with is that jumped up to making 3 out of .8. I like it a lot because I definitely feel it way longer than I ever did 20 years ago. Back then or however long ago it was I felt that nice place for maybe all of 2 weeks. So I was really just made when I noticed everyone else we’d been doing it 20 years still nodding on nothing when I could not for anything in the world not for the rest of my career back then.

So I’m probably playing with fire but I think I’m getting by with two a day and I’m very happy with it. Of course I know all about reverse tolerance and I’ve had several episodes if not more and I have no luck so I finally pick some up but I know it would never be for me. There’s no way because you’re out now. Also I know that there’s a super high percentage of people that don’t have a sitter who passed away. So I understand the risks involved but I like much more been able to even tell that I did something and just maintaining. So my concern now is am I screwing up so bad that I’m going to need 20 a-month or something? Do I need to get back down to 15 and just occasionally imbibe ? Buddy know the answer to this question? Because there’s a part of me is brain dead as I am that knows damn well that opiate tolerance rises so there’s no way that I’m not screwing up my bed unless I can just stay at two a day even though that’s way more than 15×4. I never did 15 it was more like 20×4 so it’s the same amount in my opinion I just split it up into two maybe three instead of four so I got to be safe right? I don’t mean safe don’t take it that way there’s nothing about it is safe esp with me finding a level that actually is satisfying. I’m amazed I just don’t wanna screw it up. All right thanks for listening to my long winded crap. I promise you it’ll be the end of the month but then I’ll be off of the steroids and back to normal quality talking. I hate it I can’t even be around anyone because I can’t shut the fuck up. It’s not mess like I said I wish it was but maybe only if I could get some shake and bake or something because whatever’s out there just doesn’t do it. I just had some that was great But idiot me when I have no business open the doors somebody and let some in which I don’t do for this very reason but especially now when I can’t pay attention and I’m walking in the bathroom and shutting the door All the while saying yeah I trust you it’s great to trust someone! I don’t know what that was based upon except hope.

So if you made it this far and you saw my question please do tell what you know because I can’t remember or when I do I’ll be really upset and wonder how I ever freaking forgot. Thanks y’all.
Wow I didn’t mean to post that yet… And God isn’t long man I’m telling you I will shut the hell up eventually. Keeps me hiding behind closed doors for sure which is where I’m safest. But I’d really love to hear some feedback on the H part. Speaking of which I think I’m chipping a little bit too like making a little extra. So the other option is I have step down is it easy enough to get back to 20 if I have to? Or am I making it impossible already know the answer a bit but it seems like I’ve already done it a couple times I took some extra strength to do it but by waking up super super sick and putting things off think I’ve managed to go back down several times. So does that option work for anyone? The people that Are able to take subs or methadone I know that’s a respite and you can probably reset tolerance with that if it works for you so does that even work for anyone Because if so then I know that with a little suffering I can get back down. My hope is that my going to two maybe three max that I maybe come out ahead?!

Lol
 
Thx for sharing....it seems like you've had a rocky road with iv coke and crack, that garbage is utter torture. You wanna know the truth? When I was young, naive and a person who hated and still hates himself for idk why the fk my selfesteem is on the floor.
Whenever I do cocaine iv and that was the last one tbfair. I stopped iving coke for fun after the 3rd time I did it.... THEN IT WAS JUST GETTING 5 GRAM BAGS and went on massive binges...I'd glob a clonazepam then proceed to prepare a speedball or two.
I'd spend all with my door locked with this demon inside me....he wanted me to die, I wasn't hearing any voices though. I ain't schizophrenic. It was more like a really dark energy that would take control of me. I'd shoot 2 speedball almost b2b.
I would feel the coke instantly rushing through my veins. All the caustic material ravaging my body while I could feel the coca all over my throat and my tongue, I could taste that poison.
While all of this happened my heart also felt like it was about to explode, my visión went kinda blurry. The rush from the morphine would peak alongside the coca and it was a match made in heaven....or hell. I'd go deaf for a good 2-3 mins while the Metallic train sound was coming to get me. I'd get so paranoid after all of this was over and sorry but I can't continue....just the thought of it makes me sick.i just wanted to fuckin die. But that wasn't the solution. Too much harm done, for anybody whos Reading this:
GET the fuck away from it, it almost destroyed my soul. If I'm still alive is cuz my mother Lucy protects me, she's my guardian ángel. Never ever inject this garbage, there is no real high from it. Just a lot of pain,hopelessness and despair.
Your body Is a temple you must protect it, it has to last for a while and this reckless behavior is unacceptable. Once you open this Pandoras Box, the game is on.... and it will rip your soul apart.
I hope anyone gets the message of my experience with IV BOI, so nobody repeats it
Much love and respect for yall.
Sincerely,
deep down from the bottom of my heart,
Nico(nznity).
Thank you for sharing actually. I got away from Coke about her room and 15 years ago for the most part I don’t know how I went backwards except the MXC really but I am setback now it’s not gonna happen I wouldn’t do Ivy Coke can I have that option. I do have a strong desire to get a Hyram and when you said

I'd go deaf for a good 2-3 mins while the Metallic train sound was coming to get me.

Yeah yeah a little bit of a trigger but you know I was always afraid speedballs man. The best I could ever do was 20 years ago back to back we’re not together. I was too scared and way back then - the Coke rush not from the cocoa paste. That was just a short time but just from regular changing routes of administration up switching things around I remember getting those ones just like you described I’m going to have a freight train I’m feeling it sprinkle on my tongue feeling it go across my chest and terrified me man! Same I even tried to replicate that a couple of times because sometimes you want to push the envelope but I couldn’t bring my hand to do it which was just as well because the pit was already destroyed and I learned really quickly to feel sprinkling down your tongue of pixie dust or something going across your chest across your heart so freaking terrifying I couldn’t do it again anyway because it Hass to be I found that exact same thing which I must’ve destroyed that day because I never hit it again. I have never hit the pit again I ruined that within a week or so all because I got so hardheaded I didn’t wanna know how bad the shit was not ever thinking about harm reduction.

Hey thanks Nico for sharing. 🙃
 
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Thank you for sharing actually. I got away from Coke about her room and 15 years ago for the most part I don’t know how I went backwards except the MXC really but I am setback now it’s not gonna happen I wouldn’t do Ivy Coke can I have that option. I do have a strong desire to get a Hyram and when you said

I'd go deaf for a good 2-3 mins while the Metallic train sound was coming to get me.

Yeah yeah a little bit of a trigger but you know I was always afraid speedballs man. The best I could ever do was 20 years ago back to back we’re not together. I was too scared and way back then - the Coke rush not from the cocoa paste. That was just a short time but just from regular changing routes of administration up switching things around I remember getting those ones just like you described I’m going to have a freight train I’m feeling it sprinkle on my tongue feeling it go across my chest and terrified me man! Same I even tried to replicate that a couple of times because sometimes you want to push the envelope but I couldn’t bring my hand to do it which was just as well because the pit was already destroyed and I learned really quickly to feel sprinkling down your tongue of pixie dust or something going across your chest across your heart so freaking terrifying I couldn’t do it again anyway because it Hass to be I found that exact same thing which I must’ve destroyed that day because I never hit it again. I have never hit the pit again I ruined that within a week or so all because I got so hardheaded I didn’t wanna know how bad the shit was not ever thinking about harm reduction.

Hey thanks Nico for sharing. 🙃
I keep nodding off from the morphine I've taken today.by the way, I got real bad PTSD FROM ABUSING THAT SHIT, I WASNT DOING IT FOR FUN, I HATED MYSELF. I WANTED TO DIE. IM NOT SCARED OF IT, BUT I HAVE RESPECT FOR IT NOW. ESPECIALLY MY BODY, ITS SACRED. HEALTH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING .
MY BODY IS A TEMPLE LIKE I SAID...
I KEEP NODDING OFF AND I WANT A CIGGY SO BAD. ANYWAY HOPE AT LEAST SOME PEEPS UNDERSTAND THAT IV COKE IS A NONO. Stick to weed, .mdma acid and only oral opiates.
The needle is too savage man, stay away from thdt shit.
Have a beer, lit up a fag
Sit down and enjoy the show.



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