Hopeless Please kill me, I'm burning everything down

[rightkindofpasta]

My boyfriend is gonna leave me if I don't stop shooting up. I fucking hate this, idk what the fuck I'm gonna do if he leaves. It's like I can't stop. I mean I did for now but God fucking damn it I don't know how much longer. I can't tell him this bc it's manipulative af but if he leaves I'm gonna kms. I'm so fucking scared. I can still shoot up with him but not by myself. I turned into something I hate guys, I never wanted to be a liar, he caught me with needles like 4 times.ill throw them all away, swear to only use with him, then something will happen and I'll buy another box and do it again, rinse and repeat. I hate it. I can't stand myself. Goddamn it learn some self control!! Have some fucking willpower you fucking bitch. You're ruining everything. I don't wanna die, but I'm not sure I can handle losing him

 

[deficiT]

My boyfriend is gonna leave me if I don't stop shooting up. I fucking hate this, idk what the fuck I'm gonna do if he leaves. It's like I can't stop. I mean I did for now but God fucking damn it I don't know how much longer. I can't tell him this bc it's manipulative af but if he leaves I'm gonna kms. I'm so fucking scared. I can still shoot up with him but not by myself. I turned into something I hate guys, I never wanted to be a liar, he caught me with needles like 4 times.ill throw them all away, swear to only use with him, then something will happen and I'll buy another box and do it again, rinse and repeat. I hate it. I can't stand myself. Goddamn it learn some self control!! Have some fucking willpower you fucking bitch. You're ruining everything. I don't wanna die, but I'm not sure I can handle losing him

Hey there, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It might not seem that way at the moment, but it will be alright, truly.

If you are feeling suicidal and unable to stop injecting, I think you should really consider an inpatient rehab, or even a short detox. This can give you the break you need to get your head right and make some progress.

At least in my state, if you go into a hospital and say you're having suicidal thoughts, they will admit you to detox or psych ward and then possibly transfer you to an inpatient rehab.

I know it might sound scary, but I think it's important for you to try and think this through. I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't want to lose you or leave you either.

It's not about self control. It's about finding a moment of clarity in which you can finally realize what it is you have to do to get better, and make a plan to do it.

I have been in a very similar position. I have had multiple hospital trips and rehab stays over the past seven years, and if I hadn't made it there, I would be dead.

Even if a hospital sounds scary or like too much to you, at least consider reaching out to someone. Whether it's family, friends, or anyone you are close with.

If you really have no one you can reach out to, my inbox is always open and I'm available to chat with you anytime, feel free to call me if necessary. Please reach out.

Sending lots of love and prayers your way

 

[Ds]

My boyfriend is gonna leave me if I don't stop shooting up. I fucking hate this, idk what the fuck I'm gonna do if he leaves. It's like I can't stop. I mean I did for now but God fucking damn it I don't know how much longer. I can't tell him this bc it's manipulative af but if he leaves I'm gonna kms. I'm so fucking scared. I can still shoot up with him but not by myself. I turned into something I hate guys, I never wanted to be a liar, he caught me with needles like 4 times.ill throw them all away, swear to only use with him, then something will happen and I'll buy another box and do it again, rinse and repeat. I hate it. I can't stand myself. Goddamn it learn some self control!! Have some fucking willpower you fucking bitch. You're ruining everything. I don't wanna die, but I'm not sure I can handle losing him

@rightkindofpasta

First and foremost I appreciate the level of trust and honesty you have with us, I am hoping that other women can take power in their own relationship struggles by reading your post and the comments that follow to let them know that it's better to share that shit with us rather then hold it in for nobody.

If if your boyfriend doesn't love you at your worst then they sure as hell don't deserve to love you at your best.
For someone to value the relationship more so than your life the by no fault of yours it will not last. I say that because even when I tried to get clean or sober for my parents, or the courts, or because this person tells me to so then ultimately I will use again.
Until I learned that I had to do it for ourselves & ourselves alone. is when we might have a fighting chance at this thing.
It already sounds like they are using a form of manipulative domestic violence to be in control of whatever they think is a 'relationship' & I for one can tell you that this will not end pretty if you continue with it.
Not sure where you are located, but most cities and states across the US (I know for sure) offer some type of 'free' rehab program, or look up a number to call that refers to their program as a 'center for women and families'. The later might be the best bet here because it would provide you a safe place to get away from the dude.
You have to care about yourself first hun, and I pray that you will do what has been mentioned here and can let us know how it goes.
Stay Strong.

 

[Opi_Kid_Rock]

I’m very sorry that you are in a situation where your boyfriend may leave you if you don’t get clean. Addiction can become so strong to the point that it feels impossible to get away, it’s not a failure or lack of character on your part. If you feel that it’s time to get yourself clean because it’s what you want then google government funded detox centres and addiction services or in my case, I reached out to a psych ward where they prescribed me opioid replacement therapy medication. Will your boyfriend be using while you are clean? If that’s the case then it won’t be good for your sobriety. I feel compassion for the situation that you’re in but putting all of your happiness in your boyfriend staying with you just creates so much pain for you.

And what happens if after you get clean and you relapse, does that mean that he’ll leave at that point? He has to understand that relapse will be a possibility.

I just hope that you have a chance to get clean because you want to, because you want to stop the pain of being in a cycle of addiction, and because you deserve it, because you are a beautiful human being that deserves happiness. Please reach out to someone if life gets too heavy. I lost my best friend to suicide 6 months ago and the pain in his children, siblings, and mother’s eyes is just heartbreaking to see.

Peace.

 

[neversickanymore]

@rightkindofpasta


It already sounds like they are using a form of manipulative domestic violence to be in control of whatever they think is a 'relationship' & I for one can tell you that this will not end pretty if you continue with it.

+1 It certainly does. The idea of him only allowing you to shoot with him and threatening to leave if you do has alarm bells going off around this.

You have allot on your plate and none of its easy. A bunch of great advice posted on your thread. Id keep posting as you have a pretty complex situation, lots going on and its not going to be easy. My two cents would be to do an inpatient. Have you ever been to treatment before?

First thing is please stop beating yourself up.. sending love. It doesn't come down to self control or will power. Try not drinking water for as long as possible because that will show you in no time at all how strong will power actually is. Your not weak, This shit is hard!!! Beating ourselves up does no good, it hurts and drives use.

It takes a strong recovery plan. If you get going and end up using, make sure you don't OD as a previous standard dose will kill a detoxed person after no time. Then if you use make sure you stay alive, then make adjustments to your plan until your able to get the fuck out of addiction town. Start and then keep moving forward no matter what.

@rightkindofpasta