Day 10 (if you don't count 30mg codeine yesterday, it really wasn't anything except a headache which gave me an excuse). As for opiates I'm ignoring their existance and right now I am sipping on my first ever cup of kratom. I wasn't sure how to make so I just did the same as for pod tea, stuck the powder in an insulated flask with boiled water and give it a good shake for ten minutes, strain and repeat. Doesn't taste as bad as it smells. I'm probably going to sleep soon, I got the opiate wd strength and used two level teaspoons, it seems strong, more sedating and less stimulating than my usual brew.
@Squeaky, thank you, hugely, you made a difference. I read your last reply to me while stoned and was thinking, this guy doesn't know it's not smack I'm on, if it were any of the usual people here, they know I'm not a smackhead and would know I'm just one of those people who says they're an addict because it's a damn sight easier than explaining the difference between me continually taking opiates by choice and a real addict. I digested the words then looked who posted it. OMG, it was Squeaky. I recoiled in shock, honestly. I trust Squeaky. He is the most consistant person on here that I've seen, you know, he's the least crazy of all of us. And I went to sleep then (I'm using one benzo per three nights for sleeping).
It's like I woke up properly. I don't think my husband would ever leave me, he keeps telling me the biggest fear he has is of losing me. I should not put that burden on the love of my life, that he fears losing me to either overdose, mental illness or I simply choose the drugs. Right now I'm once again choosing life over death. I gotta say death didn't cause me much fear except I kept telling myself that my kids are adults, but I had them deliberately, my choice for them to be here, my responsibility to see them right. And me dying would kill my husband (their Dad) within a year or two after me, just as him nearly dying 30 months ago made this whole journey seem like such a good idea, I felt the future was ripped from us so what the hell, live for now. He was never able to return to work after what happened, I nursed him better and he's been looking after me ever since because I was nodding through the day, stoned as well and not a lot of fucking use to anyone. Managing to work some days, but I'm self employed and while the extra money is handy, my husband has always said earning money is his responsibility, I can if I want, but he's still paying the bills and he finally got his ill health early pension a few months ago, so I'm working because I want to. I actually do want to work even though it doesn't excite me much these days. If I lost that I'd be more adrift than ever.
So I get it now. I'm not some exception, I'm exactly the same as any other addict choosing my DOC as a choice every day until this time and also being very fucking addicted . Definitely physically, I NEED bupe. Mentally, well of course I love it, how could anyone not?
So I'm day 10 off opiates, more or less, except my buprenorphine patch of course, it's the smallest one I have and it's going ok. It's weed I cannot put down. I abstained Sunday until Thursday last week, it was over a year since I've had a day without it and it wasn't working so well any more. OMG, That bong blew my fucking head off and I keep trying to repeat it, but I can't because it's every day again and I can't manage to quit for a few days so I can get max effects again. Yesterday I actually followed a woman walking down the street so her cigarette smoke was blowing my direction and I was gulping it, god I wanted one, I've not had nicotine in years, why am I craving even that now?
I only started cigarettes because I needed them for joints, although even as a child I was perfectly capeable of making anything from a matchbox pipe to a full size bong. So I don't know if I can ever quit the flower, I was getting stoned before I was even first drunk, although our parents allowed us cider as kids, I never liked the fizziness. Still hate soda drinks unless there's a vodka in there.
Weed was my first drug, well hash actually, from age twelve, I loved it. I'd smoke a joint and my mind would clear of nasty things. After some trauma age 14 it got to be a real habit, so good for removing unwelcome thoughts and giving you a brain a goldfish wouldn't envy for it's memory. Age 16 I ran away, alone, with my money in my right bra cup, my dope in the left cup and a tent slung across my back. My mum caught me going, but didn't bother to stop me leaving the country, just told me to phone her when I decided where I was going. Fuck, she sure knew how to take the wind out of my sails, lol. I was no longer a runaway (which would have been pretty cool to my young mind), I'd fucking
permission to go get lost and fend for myself overseas, in fact anywhere away from her and her fella was fine with my mum. She knew I'd not enough money, less chance of me coming back maybe? That shit all comes back as well as the trouble I ran into on a regular basis over the next eight years until my husband fell in love with me, practically at first sight he reckons (I scrubbed up well that night). Which was very lucky for my homeless drug addicted 24yo ass at that point in my life.
So Kratom, rest and good food. I've apologised a hundred times a day since day1, my husband says I've nothing to apologise for, but I know without him I wouldn't be ok.
The Kratom must be working, I want to say I love all of you on this thread, but I'd sound like even more of a loon if I did.
Thank you all for helping me to this point.
