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Ever Ignore A Parent?

RhythmSpring

RhythmSpring

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Joined
Jun 19, 2008
Messages
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In short, my dad is extremely unpleasant to deal with. He isn't overtly aggressive (well, not anymore, and those were just a few spurts), but he just ...doesn't get me. He doesn't seem to actually listen to what I'm saying. I've told him things he's forgotten 5 minutes later (no, he's not senile). He pretends to listen, something I've gotten good at too, unfortunately. But I digress. He used to be super passive-aggressive, and that passive aggression has just kind of been buried deeper and deeper into the ground. You can't see it or hear it, but you can definitely feel it.

Just in the little things he says and does, it's clear to me that his mental framework is too small to actually get me. I've accepted that, but he doesn't seem to. I say things like "You wouldn't understand," and he takes personal offense at it. He's projected his low self-esteem onto me, which I don't blame him for, I understand it, I have compassion for it, but I'm done with it. I'm done with doing the emotional labor for our relationship. I'm tired. I've tried so many things. Brick wall.

So I've stopped talking to him. It's exhausting, like quicksand to engage with him. And of course, he responds to the silence by trying to appeal to my sense of obligation, then pity. I feel like whatever I say to him will be interpreted the wrong way, so I don't say anything. I don't plan on being silent forever--only until there arises an opportunity for us to speak the same language, for us to actually get somewhere with some kind of communication. Otherwise it feels completely useless and a waste of time and energy.

Has anyone else gone through this? I don't hear of it too often, but a little. I wish there was another way. I am rarely the kind of person to "ghost" someone. I prize communication as an extremely important part of my life. I aim to be clear with everyone. But with some people, it's impossible. And unfortunately, one of those people is my dad.
 
I can definitely relate, but I look at things differently now.

My father was a highly successful business man and I took a very different path in life. This frustrated him because he sacrificed so much to provide me with opportunities he never had. I didn't see that at the time, in the same way that he failed to see me.

People are just people. Raising kids is incredibly hard. I gave my father a hard time, in retrospect. Being middle aged and juggling kids and a mortgage and a job. It's not easy. Seriously. It's enough to break the best of us.

If your father is still there, he loves you. He's probably just tired and broken and he doesn't know how to show you. He's probably frustrated because he can't connect with you... and - maybe - part of that disconnect comes from your end?

Every lock has a key. The way to access your father's heart may not be the way to access your own. It sounds like you're in a better place than him, but you're younger. Life has had less time to break you.

My advice is: try a different approach and keep trying.

I've tried so many things. Brick wall.
Click to expand...

I've been there. Believe me when I say that sometimes (unexpectedly) you break through and it is beautiful.

It sounds like you care about him.

Give it some time.
 
birdup, I'm 32, and I've been at it trying to fix it since I was 18, after a year or two period of distancing myself from my father because it was just so draining. So, 14 years? I'm fucking done. Sometimes I need a break.

Thanks for the encouragement, but I've been "keep trying" for a long time now. I do care about him. And I plan to give it some time.

Damnn, Thanks for that link. I read it, and it definitely matches up with my situation. I've been told I'm "too sensitive" when I talk about things that my dad has done or said that made me feel insignificant. He used to change the subject whenever I brought up something uncomfortable about him, or he would turn whatever I said into a joke if I were venturing into the real in my conversation. It got to be so bad that I would witness him running out of "dad jokes" to try to deflect my concerns--he would fall flat on his face with stupid puns that made no sense... I hope he had the self-awareness to realize what he was doing, and I hope he has the self-awareness to remember and use his memory to try to figure out why I might be ignoring him. Because I sure as hell am not going to hand it to him on a silver platter. I've been handing it to him for years, and every time I do, he pushes it away as something insignificant.
 
Yeah my parents wanted me to be a racist, stay drunk and shoot at anything that moves.
Fuck that. I broke off around the first grade and life has been both heaven and hell since. The hell of no family and the heaven of no hatreds.
I still love to fire up anything that moves. ;)
 
That's a simplistic question with a very complex answer, as it is probably for anybody. Do we ever 100% get anyone? I certainly don't get a lot about my dad, but he also keeps himself hidden and always has throughout my life. Very emotionally closed.
 
@RhythmSpring

It sounds to me like you are in a better place than your father. It's pretty difficult to connect with people in a meaningful way if you're miserable. People misinterpret misery as something personal. It's not. When people are depressed, they give off negative vibes which makes them socially dysfunctional and (therefore) more depressed.

Do something nice - and unexpected - for your father.

Give him a present when it isn't his birthday.

It sounds like he needs your help.

neversickanymore said:
Do you get him?
Click to expand...

QFT.
 
birdup said:
@RhythmSpring

It sounds to me like you are in a better place than your father. It's pretty difficult to connect with people in a meaningful way if you're miserable. People misinterpret misery as something personal. It's not. When people are depressed, they give off negative vibes which makes them socially dysfunctional and (therefore) more depressed.

Do something nice - and unexpected - for your father.

Give him a present when it isn't his birthday.

It sounds like he needs your help.



QFT.
Click to expand...
I do feel like I'm in a better place than my father.

I already have been doing unexpected nice things for him. I showed him some music I've been working on, and he appreciated it. Then he went back to mourning my lack of contact with him.

I have already entertained the viewpoint that he needs my help. It helped for a while--it helped me come from a place of generosity. But honestly, it doesn't help the big picture. It's like he eats it up and then things are still the same.

And what's annoying is he thinks I'm ignoring him because I'M miserable. I'm fine--interacting with him is what makes me miserable. I mean, I'm not without my problems, but talking to him about any of them never seems to help anything. There always seems to be this power dynamic between us, like he's the master, teaching me the ways, whenever I talk about anything important in my life. I'm sick of that. He's really not the master--I struggle to look up to him.
 
What was his relationship with his father like?

That is often key.

Showing him music might come across as something he is doing for you.

birdup, I'm 32, and I've been at it trying to fix it since I was 18, after a year or two period of distancing myself from my father because it was just so draining. So, 14 years? I'm fucking done. Sometimes I need a break.
Click to expand...

Take a break.

I was older than 32 when I finally made progress with my parents in that department. In retrospect, it is obvious that I was sabotaging my chances of success in many ways but I just couldn't see it at the time.
 
I didn't just ignore my parents, I moved across the country to be completely away from them. That's how badly I needed a hard boundary. That was years ago and our relationship is much better now.

When we weren't talking, I really found myself, processed a lot of trauma, and found new "chosen family" that made me feel more appreciated. It wasn't easy because I was really young and didn't have a lot of support, but I muddled through. My parents still trigger me to this day, but I have developed a much better inner way of being that helps me to deal with them.

Now the reverse has kind of happened. I was so far away from all of my heritage and ancestry that I started to feel rootless. I also got really ill and that called back in family. My near death brushes with illness really made us fix all our priorities. Now I wish I lived closer to them, but I don't!
 
My partner has pretty much cut ties with his mother. She has unmedicated bipolar and is a narcissist. She is a real piece of work and is so incredibly emotionally abusive. It's taken my partner 38 years to let her go, out of his life, because he's better off without her. It's also taken years of therapy for him to come to this point as well. I'm so proud of him because all she has ever done is manipulate and emotionally abuse him, he's tried to help her so many times, but sometimes you just have to let people go...even if it is your own mother.
 
birdup said:
What was his relationship with his father like?
Click to expand...
Fine, ultimately. I did hear that there was a kind of switching pattern in my dad's side of the family, though. My grandpa hated his dad, who loved his dad, who hated his dad, etc.
birdup said:
That is often key.

Showing him music might come across as something he is doing for you.
Click to expand...
That's a good point. I never thought of that.
 
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