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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

dealing with inevitable decline of parents

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
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so i know there's some old cunts in here that must have been through this and can give me some pointers.

this few months living back with my mum and dad has been quite distressing.

my mum is quickly declining both mentally and physically. she's not even 70 yet but she's always been overweight and i've never known her to do any real exercise so i guess its not surprising.

i'm trying to encourage her to go to a doctor cos recently she is in pain just walking but she won't listen. i'm scared that if her mobility is reduced for a long time it will swiften her decline.

for most of my life i haven't even liked her as a person. i still think she fucked up massively bringing me up. but i'm pretty upset seeing her in this state.

apart from trying to start hating her again, what can i do? how can i help her? how do i step back? (other than moving out, which i'm doing next week hopefully).
 
chinup said:
i'm trying to encourage her to go to a doctor
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can ya kinda push her to a doc? I mean really get her to a doc before you bounce.
Fuck this is tough. Haven't had comms with my moms in decades so not even sure how she fares. Dad basically killed himself drinking and put a round of 22 cal rat shot into his brain and I believe the lead really created a big toxic thing that took him down rather quickly. My parents were cruel to each other and us. Not the issue, though.
All I got is to make her go to a doc if ya can and if not live your life as long as it is not for selfish reasons you will do well.
I am sorry ya have to make this decision and hope someone more in tune with this situation can offer more than I could.
I feel like I shouldnt even post this for some reason but imma hit the button
 
Sorry, I have no advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that I empathize and that you are not alone. I live with my 91 year-old mother (I am her only living relative) who is in fairly good shape physically but has been showing signs of dementia for a couple of years.

Our relationship has had its ups and downs but for the last 3 decades or so we've gotten along pretty well as long as we don't talk politics. Mom used to be a math teacher and she's always been relatively sharp, so it's disturbing to watch her rapid mental decline. The worst is her memory. We can have a serious conversation about something and 15 minutes later she'll have no memory of it whatsoever. Some days she'll ask me the same question (and get the same answer) 10 or 15 times.

It's frustrating. It's depressing. It's annoying. But what can we do? Just do our best and try to be a comfort in someone's final days.
 
chinup said:
so i know there's some old cunts in here that must have been through this and can give me some pointers.

this few months living back with my mum and dad has been quite distressing.

my mum is quickly declining both mentally and physically. she's not even 70 yet but she's always been overweight and i've never known her to do any real exercise so i guess its not surprising.
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Perhaps have a chat with your Dad, and he could steer your mom to the doctor? Late 60's is not too late to address health problems, and could make her quality of life in the coming decades better

I have very old parents, but they are independent as it gets
 
For each person weather young or old being independent or self sufficiency is of great importance. You noticed her decline and seem willing to help.

Try to have her make the dr. calls self, you can advice her or take over if it gets to hard for her. But in the end it will help her if she makes the first move. And you can advise her on what to say, do some research for and such. Till a professional takes over.

Respect that despite your not all to good relationship with her you are willing to help. Being there is the nr. 1 thing you can do. And try to find someone to who you can talk about this. Bluelight could work but a real live person would be my preference.
 
What are your mum's reasons for not phoning her doctor, If you don't mind me asking? I would really try encouraging her as much as you can, she might be putting on brave face not wanting to be a worry or something like that - maybe not though that's why I'm asking. Dangerous though because as you said not getting about for whatever reason could in fact speed up any decline plus covid waiting times etc.
I take it you have had a heart to heart and expressed your concerns and fears. I know you probably have but maybe even ask if not for herself for you?
Ahh ☹️ this is so hard, I hope your mum takes your advice and sees her GP or something soon. ❤️
Maybe you could ask if you could phone on her behalf, with her present (or not), just whatever she feels would be more comfortable and easier.
.
 
I've been thinking of this for a few years, especially lately as my father's mental state has really taken a shit, both are in 70s. It's going to suck not to hear from them anymore and I hope it's a long way away. I am young for such old parents I think, not even 30.

jasperkent said:
Sorry, I have no advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that I empathize and that you are not alone. I live with my 91 year-old mother (I am her only living relative) who is in fairly good shape physically but has been showing signs of dementia for a couple of years.

Our relationship has had its ups and downs but for the last 3 decades or so we've gotten along pretty well as long as we don't talk politics. Mom used to be a math teacher and she's always been relatively sharp, so it's disturbing to watch her rapid mental decline. The worst is her memory. We can have a serious conversation about something and 15 minutes later she'll have no memory of it whatsoever. Some days she'll ask me the same question (and get the same answer) 10 or 15 times.

It's frustrating. It's depressing. It's annoying. But what can we do? Just do our best and try to be a comfort in someone's final days.
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I've wondered if my dad is trying to be annoying repeating questions or losing his memory on top of emotionally immaturing
 
thank you so much for your responses guys. sorry to others who are going through similar, i guess its something most people have to face

i have spoken to my dad and sister, dad hadn't even noticed (he doesn't tend to with these things, even in the case of people he cares about deeply) but he seemed worried so will hopefully speak to her.

he said she probably doesn't think its worth seeing a GP cos she's seen them about arthritis in her hands before and they haven't done anything. but i think when its affecting your ability to walk they should offer something. like even if its just pain management. and she isn't qualified to even know that it is arthritis, maybe its something curable.

i'd always hoped my parents would die together in a car crash in maybe 20 years... full life and no decline. i need to face reality and just do what i can to help.
 
I'm also familiar with stubbornness about medical issues. My mom has never trusted doctors and never went in for routine physicals. She'll only see a doctor for emergencies--- giving birth, broken wrist, appendicitis. In her 91 years, I'd guess she's been to a doctor less than a dozen times.
 
jasperkent said:
I'm also familiar with stubbornness about medical issues. My mom has never trusted doctors and never went in for routine physicals. She'll only see a doctor for emergencies--- giving birth, broken wrist, appendicitis. In her 91 years, I'd guess she's been to a doctor less than a dozen times.
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You should never trust a dr. trust can be earned.

What you can do is use a dr to try and heal your ailment's.
 
Its hard to see your parents get old My mom had another breast removed because of cancer and has deteriorated a lot this time. Try to talk to your mom and explain your concern other than that there is not a lot you can do I'm afraid
 
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