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Anyone with experience of self - harm..?

Also WHY THE FUCK have I just typed the same damn message 5 times in the course of an hour and I'm still failing to send it because this page will reset itself apparently to your initial 2 sentences for NO damn reason during typing
 
cut myself pretty bad when i was 13..... still got the scars.

as soon as i twigged it would scar i started just taking the first layer of skin off with my nails. its really painful but all evidence heals in like 6 months to a year.

done stuff like chain smoked just cos it was bad for me not sure if that counts cos it doesn't bring immediate pain.
 
I have pretty extensive experience with self destructing in various types of ways. Cutting, compulsive dangerous drug use, impulsive suicide attempts, punching walls, etc. I am doing a lot better these days being sober, but I can't get complacent because this is the kind of stuff that happens if I'm not careful and taking care of myself.

I still have suicidal ideation daily though. That's been my biggest struggle. I just can't stop thinking about it and wishing for it. I'm borderline jealous of people that get sick and die, just because that's what I wish I had. A way to escape this life without me stooping to the level of killing myself, which would destroy my family.

I haven't cut or tried to kill myself in about 3 months though.
 
For me, cutting - up, mainly.

Mostly with very sharp knives like my hunting knife (also some kitchen ones).
Vain as fuck though, so limit cutting to the non - dominant arm in order to keep the other one 'inviolate' and 'whole'.

Tried out a razor blade one time thinking it'd leave less visible scarring. Shocked at how the thing sliced through my flesh like it was warm butter with no resistance at a slight flick.
Saw the bones of my lower arm exposed.
Wouldn't do razors again because too frightening and too tempting at the same time.

Apart from cutting I'd hit myself. And I can hit way harder than anyone would think from my stature or appearance so can punch myself black and blue when I feel like it.
 
My MO to self destruct is rushing into the most harmful situations presented. without a thought and with no regard to life, love or freedom.
im old now and do the same just a little slower these days. :cautious:
more homicide than suicide... i didnt start the fire
 
I started self-harming when I was very young, before I even knew what I was doing. I'd purposefully try to bruise or otherwise injure myself when I was a kid.
When I was about 14 I started cutting myself regularly. As an adult I've continued to cut myself here and there, at times when I'm very depressed, trapped by addiction, and feeling overwhelmed and/or out of control with my circumstances.
I've been hospitalised twice from cutting too deep. One time I very nearly bled out and died. I was extremely high on opiates and very drunk so a) I didn't realise how deep I was cutting, b) my addled brain couldn't figure out what to do once I realised I was bleeding profusely, and c) I passed out/fell asleep. I'm very lucky my girlfriend at the time came home and found me on the floor, and took me to hospital. Otherwise I wouldn't be alive. Well, that's one of about 8 incidents that truly I could've/should've died.
I also started punching and kicking walls about 10 years ago, usually only when very drunk. I've broken several fingers and toes, broken my right pinky finger a few times and now it's permanently deformed, and last year I broke both my hands at the same time from punching the wall. That sucked lol.

These days I'm clean, sober, and self-harm free. I feel like a lot of it has to do with growing up/growing out of it. Also my life circumstances are drastically different, for the better. I have pretty much zero stressors in my life now. I've finally learned boundaries, the value and importance of taking care of myself, I love my job, I have an extremely supportive partner, I'm back in touch with my family and they are a great support network, I am safe, I really have no cause for concern or stress. All the countless hours of therapy and rehab have finally fallen in to place.
 
First post*, sorry for dragging up an oldish thread but weirdly this was what made me join so I could comment.

Pretty much same as above, been self harming for years, it never seems to go away. Most recent "event" was quite serious, being very high and drunk as hell and psychotic and yeah... not a good time in my life. Much like n3ophy7e's experience, very nearly bled out locked in the bathroom. Had to be rescued by my now ex girlfriend and police and ended up in hospital for quite a few months.

I find that people don't "get" self harm. It's not an easy thing to explain or for other people to deal with. I've put a lot of people though a lot of shit because of it.

*I swear I posted this last night, obviously didn't! So this is actually my third post.
 
Crash Override said:
First post*, sorry for dragging up an oldish thread but weirdly this was what made me join so I could comment.

Pretty much same as above, been self harming for years, it never seems to go away. Most recent "event" was quite serious, being very high and drunk as hell and psychotic and yeah... not a good time in my life. Much like n3ophy7e's experience, very nearly bled out locked in the bathroom. Had to be rescued by my now ex girlfriend and police and ended up in hospital for quite a few months.

I find that people don't "get" self harm. It's not an easy thing to explain or for other people to deal with. I've put a lot of people though a lot of shit because of it.

*I swear I posted this last night, obviously didn't! So this is actually my third post.
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I try to explain to people it's like a safety valve. Often they immediate jump to me having a death wish ; I actuzlly very much want to live. Thing is when shit gets completely unbearable I might end up topping myself without really meaning to. Self - injury grounds me and lets some of that pressure off. But try telling a health professional you were in actual fact practising a form of damage LIMITATION when you sliced your arm to the bone and they understandably look at you like you've lost it.

PS never mind 'dragging up' a thread that's not brand - new, I do this constantly when I trawl the site and find something I have thoughts on.
 
deficiT said:
I have pretty extensive experience with self destructing in various types of ways. Cutting, compulsive dangerous drug use, impulsive suicide attempts, punching walls, etc. I am doing a lot better these days being sober, but I can't get complacent because this is the kind of stuff that happens if I'm not careful and taking care of myself.

I still have suicidal ideation daily though. That's been my biggest struggle. I just can't stop thinking about it and wishing for it. I'm borderline jealous of people that get sick and die, just because that's what I wish I had. A way to escape this life without me stooping to the level of killing myself, which would destroy my family.

I haven't cut or tried to kill myself in about 3 months though.
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I am glad you found sobriety surely it can only improve with more time or else that is a lot of needless suffering to return to sounds like using will tear you down quick I certainly can see myself getting there too if I let myself go here as I have been
 
n3ophy7e said:
I feel like a lot of it has to do with growing up/growing out of it. Also my life circumstances are drastically different, for the better. I have pretty much zero stressors in my life now. All the countless hours of therapy and rehab have finally fallen in to place.
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.. That to me just sounds straight - forwardly like your circumstances improved and you learned to take better care of yourself, so you feel no need to engage in these behaviours now.
Which is what happens with the majority of people that have these problems. They find ways and motivations to MOVE ON.

You probably wouldn't even have needed the 'countless hours'. It's just that everyone tells you you need that and then you give some therapist the credit for what you ultimately achieved out of your own resilience.
 
The UltimateFixx said:
I try to explain to people it's like a safety valve. Often they immediate jump to me having a death wish ; I actuzlly very much want to live. Thing is when shit gets completely unbearable I might end up topping myself without really meaning to. Self - injury grounds me and lets some of that pressure off. But try telling a health professional you were in actual fact practising a form of damage LIMITATION when you sliced your arm to the bone and they understandably look at you like you've lost it.

PS never mind 'dragging up' a thread that's not brand - new, I do this constantly when I trawl the site and find something I have thoughts on.
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Thanks man. I guess I felt very strongly that I needed to comment here.

I completely understand the safety valve analogy. People do tend to think it's always a suicide attempt but often, like you say, it's preventing worse things from happening, although for me it is usually part of the slippery slope towards something worse anyway. I'm used to how professionals react to it all, their opinions don't bother me any more, there are plenty of ignorant doctors who should know better and treat me the same as any other patient without forcing outdated judgement about it. It's the reactions of family and friends who have been there for years that bothers me, it's their resigned and/or traumatised faces I remember when they have to pick me up and fix me up over and over again. That's not something anyone should have to see repeatedly or be used to seeing.

It's good to hear of people getting through it, whether by pure hard work or a change in life circumstances. It proves that it's doable.
 
Crash Override said:
Thanks man. I guess I felt very strongly that I needed to comment here.
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Happy to be the unwitting motivator for someone joining this excellent place! 😉
Crash Override said:
I completely understand the safety valve analogy. People do tend to think it's always a suicide attempt but often, like you say, it's preventing worse things from happening, although for me it is usually part of the slippery slope towards something worse anyway.
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Good to have that self - awareness. Yes for some self - harmers self - harming is a 'trial run', a way of working yourself up to putting an end to yourself. For me it was always the opposite. Even when I felt like I didn't care whether I lived or died (I shouldn't theoretically have survived all those many overdoses for one) it was always really more a case of not seeing any future or any way to be rid of the pain, rather than wanting to die outright. As a matter of fact I am terrified of dying but sometimes things were so bad it seemed like the only option to stop suffering I didn't know how to deal with.
Crash Override said:
I'm used to how professionals react to it all, their opinions don't bother me any more, there are plenty of ignorant doctors who should know better and treat me the same as any other patient without forcing outdated judgement about it.
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I remember a bad cutting incident at college and the police officer that was called saying to me, 'nothing' s that bad '.
It was all I could do to prevent myself shouting in his face, ' YES it fucking well IS, do you think I do this for shits -??! '

... I also remember being left alone in a hospital corridor in a state of acute mental crisis with some gauze and a bowl of sterile water told to 'clean yourself up before we fix you'. Another time the nurse went from caring and compassionate to cold and visibly annoyed the second she understood the wounds were self - inflicted, and stitching me up in a rough manner without giving a local anaesthetic. I felt so much like absolute lowlife trash on account of being treated that way, that I went home and shot a reckless load of heroin (NOT intending to commit suicide, merely to eradicate the self - disgust) , with the result I ended up back at the same hospital in an ambulance 2 hrs later.
Crash Override said:
It's good to hear of people getting through it, whether by pure hard work or a change in life circumstances. It proves that it's doable.
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Yeah. Never lose your belief in the fact that it 's doable. Just some of us take longer to get there and take more detours than others.
 
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Ive slit my wrists so many times high on blow, I've drawn blood with the needle once and started painting my wall with blood. I've once smashed my window with my chair and grabbed a shard and started cutting myself trying to get the fking artery. Yes, I hate myself deep down. I'm an empty shell but thats another story. That broken glass incident left me with a huge scar on my right arm. Tssssss addiction sucks.
 
I don't think it's ever been about suicide for me. It's more about the self destruction or deserving the pain and scars or sometimes just not knowing what to do with myself and my feelings that I have to let it out and talking doesn't work because I can't explain anything in that sort of state. It ends up leading to more and more risky and destructive behaviours to escape myself to the point where I don't even know whether I'm trying to die or just trying to get respite for a while. I've always said the overdoses and whatnot have never been intentional but maybe that's not entirely true. The line blurs very quickly.

It's unbelievable that so many people have the same stories about being treated in A&E - the change in treatment once they find out it's self inflicted and the lack of anaesthetic.
 
Crash Override said:
It's unbelievable that so many people have the same stories about being treated in A&E - the change in treatment once they find out it's self inflicted and the lack of anaesthetic.
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I believe it's due to there still being very much of a general perception of, 'this is a thing histrionic teenage girlies do exclusively for attention'
 
Ah yes that brings back fond memories of school. When it had been discovered that I was self harming it naturally went all around the school to the point where other kids kept saying to me "You know it's only girls who do that!" and I was nicknamed Leeanne for a long time. Although there was one fun (?) moment when group of girls in tutorial were sitting there comparing their self harm cuts so I walked up and showed them mine and told them they really weren't doing it right. Got in a lot of trouble for that but it was worth it to shut them up. Unfortunately the stereotypes stem from reality.
 
I don't know if this song does the topic justice or not. But the songwriter is one of my all time favorites. Enjoy.... or don't.

 
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