• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Venting Man, I've been fucking up

deficiT

deficiT

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
25,362
So, for those that don't know me, I've been sober for nearly four months after a recent stint I did in jail. This after a year of suicide attempts, breakups, and breakdowns. I live in a halfway house where I'm drug tested regularly, and I'm on supervised probation and can get tested anytime.

Recently, I've been a little anxious and I decided to try taking phenibut, as it's something I can get away with taking and I didn't think it'd be a huge deal. Well, yesterday, I nodded out in my room on my couch and the tech that works here got all kirked out about it and piss tested me. Obvs I passed so that's whatever I guess. But yesterday morning I had what felt like a seizure, and then when I woke up last night I was sick to my stomach and ran to the toilet to throw up. I've kinda realized that maybe it's not the best idea for me to take this stuff, as I also take gabapentin and Baclofen, and seeing as it kinda makes me nod out it could jeopardize my living situation.

It's required I attend a few meetings a week, but anyone that knows me knows that I'm far from a twelve step book thumper. When I first got sober, like every other time, I got really enthusiastic about it, always attended meetings and read the literature. Life has been getting better. I'm going back to school, and for the first time in a decade, I have something of a plan. But I'm at the point now where I'm just kinda over it and my enthusiasm has run dry. Like every addicts great obsession, it's also my dream to one day be able to use again. I've even been considering hopping on the dark web and getting some GHB, as it's something else I could get away with taking.

Idk, I'm not like in a bad place really, and it's not like I've been using compulsively again. But I've gone through this pattern before. I start to think I can use again, and then all of a sudden my life is in shambles once more. I don't know what to do. I'm trying not to beat myself, and obviously I'm not gonna say anything to anyone because my living situation depends on me being clean. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really worried about these things. Idk, I don't really know what to think, but I could definitely use some support.
 
Last edited:
Brother ya takin too much. If ya did 2.5Gs that is what fucked ya up. Keep it low and slow with this as it is a very weird "drug" in my experience.
Do ya not feel anything on 1.5Gs? There is that point of diminishing returns on this substance IMO/e
Hope ya feel better and sorry ya had to learn it this way... I had to learn this the same way and it sucked. lol
BTW... are you on any other substances (Rx-ed)? Not judgemental I ask cause maybe some other med didnt mix well with the phenibut.
I'd put my money (if I had any) on the 2.5 Gs... that would fuck me up.
 
6am-64-14m said:
Brother ya takin too much. If ya did 2.5Gs that is what fucked ya up. Keep it low and slow with this as it is a very weird "drug" in my experience.
Do ya not feel anything on 1.5Gs? There is that point of diminishing returns on this substance IMO/e
Hope ya feel better and sorry ya had to learn it this way... I had to learn this the same way and it sucked. lol
BTW... are you on any other substances (Rx-ed)? Not judgemental I ask cause maybe some other med didnt mix well with the phenibut.
I'd put my money (if I had any) on the 2.5 Gs... that would fuck me up.
Click to expand...
Well the "seizure" I don't know was related to the phenibut because I didn't really take any the whole day leading up to it. But it could have been related for all I know.

Yeah I'm on a few other meds, Vyvanse, gabapentin, Baclofen, abilify wellbutrin and seroquel. I've since decided I don't want to take Wellbutrin anymore due to the seizure risk.

So I've taken it like 4 times. Each time I skipped a day except the second. The third time I had virtually no effect, and that was on 1.5g. I should've just tried 2 but I jumped to 2.5 for some reason
 
Yeah, with the baclofen and gabbies adding phenibut is 3 meds that are all doing pretty much the same thing. No wonder you had a little nod going on. Anyone would. Man oh man I have been where you are. Started saying to myself " oh for fucks sake girl, why are you doing this? Are you that self destructive? Just when things are looking up you are gonna slide down that rabbit hole again? I start really getting mad at my own self for making the same wrong decisions all the time.

Good thing here is that right now, at this moment in time, you are still okay. You nodded because you took so much but no harm no foul. You still have a roof over your head and you are still doing fucking great in your recovery. The subs are keeping you off the streets and that's all that matters. Why don't ya not take the gabbies and baclofen on the days you want to dose the phenibut. Then you won't be so drowsy because you will just have the one in you and not three. Or decrease the dose of your 2 scripts and then just take less of the phenibut.

Whatever you do .....don't forget how far you have come. 4 months aint chicken feed. I have 2 years under my belt and I still wanna use. I don't give into it but man oh man I miss it. But if I start doing that shit again my life is over. I just can't do it. Take a deep breath. Take another one. It's all going to be okay. Just gotta keep your eye on the prize and fight that dirty litlle demon in your head that's telling you it wants you to end up homeless. Fuck that prick.
 
Pumpkin2021 said:
Yeah, with the baclofen and gabbies adding phenibut is 3 meds that are all doing pretty much the same thing. No wonder you had a little nod going on. Anyone would. Man oh man I have been where you are. Started saying to myself " oh for fucks sake girl, why are you doing this? Are you that self destructive? Just when things are looking up you are gonna slide down that rabbit hole again? I start really getting mad at my own self for making the same wrong decisions all the time.

Good thing here is that right now, at this moment in time, you are still okay. You nodded because you took so much but no harm no foul. You still have a roof over your head and you are still doing fucking great in your recovery. The subs are keeping you off the streets and that's all that matters. Why don't ya not take the gabbies and baclofen on the days you want to dose the phenibut. Then you won't be so drowsy because you will just have the one in you and not three. Or decrease the dose of your 2 scripts and then just take less of the phenibut.

Whatever you do .....don't forget how far you have come. 4 months aint chicken feed. I have 2 years under my belt and I still wanna use. I don't give into it but man oh man I miss it. But if I start doing that shit again my life is over. I just can't do it. Take a deep breath. Take another one. It's all going to be okay. Just gotta keep your eye on the prize and fight that dirty litlle demon in your head that's telling you it wants you to end up homeless. Fuck that prick.
Click to expand...
Thanks. Yeah, I actually have been consciously skipping those on the days I've dosed.
 
deficiT said:
Well the "seizure" I don't know was related to the phenibut because I didn't really take any the whole day leading up to it. But it could have been related for all I know.

Yeah I'm on a few other meds, Vyvanse, gabapentin, Baclofen, abilify wellbutrin and seroquel. I've since decided I don't want to take Wellbutrin anymore due to the seizure risk.

So I've taken it like 4 times. Each time I skipped a day except the second. The third time I had virtually no effect, and that was on 1.5g. I should've just tried 2 but I jumped to 2.5 for some reason
Click to expand...
Your last lines are what I am really afraid of so I haven't ordered it yet. There is nothing worse than not knowing if you can control yourself. I gave myself until Friday 10/1 to decide and I am still on the fence. Saving grace for me is I'm not any scripts or street drugs but fuck me my personality is still give me more. Stay strong.
 
Pumpkin2021 said:
Your last lines are what I am really afraid of so I haven't ordered it yet. There is nothing worse than not knowing if you can control yourself. I gave myself until Friday 10/1 to decide and I am still on the fence. Saving grace for me is I'm not any scripts or street drugs but fuck me my personality is still give me more. Stay strong.
Click to expand...
I mean, I've definitely really enjoyed it for the most part. I was just bummed the third time I took it because I was waiting all day for some kind of effects and there were virtually none. Maybe there were a little bit idk. Yeah, I'm not really considering it a "relapse" or anything but the mindset has definitely been there lately.
 
And also, only getting a couple hours of sleep deffo contributed to the passing out thing. I even overslept for work. Luckily he texted me said I didn't need to come in, so all good
 
deficiT said:
So, for those that don't know me, I've been sober for nearly four months after a recent stint I did in jail. This after a year of suicide attempts, breakups, and breakdowns. I live in a halfway house where I'm drug tested regularly, and I'm on supervised probation and can get tested anytime.

Recently, I've been a little anxious and I decided to try taking phenibut, as it's something I can get away with taking and I didn't think it'd be a huge deal. Well, yesterday, I nodded out in my room on my couch and the tech that works here got all kirked out about it and piss tested me. Obvs I passed so that's whatever I guess. But yesterday morning I had what felt like a seizure, and then when I woke up last night I was sick to my stomach and ran to the toilet to throw up. I've kinda realized that maybe it's not the best idea for me to take this stuff, as I also take gabapentin and Baclofen, and seeing as it kinda makes me nod out it could jeopardize my living situation.
Click to expand...
:( damn homie

hey have you been taking baclofen and phenibut together? I'd imagine that would easily lead to an interaction that could be overdose. Phenibut overdose as given me crazy unpleasant symptoms that kinda almost feels seizure like. How much did you take? Taking too much phenibut has fucked me several times, there's a reason I don't fuck with it anymore

deficiT said:
When I first got sober, like every other time, I got really enthusiastic about it, always attended meetings and read the literature. Life has been getting better. I'm going back to school, and for the first time in a decade, I have something of a plan. But I'm at the point now where I'm just kinda over it and my enthusiasm has run dry.
Click to expand...
I know exactly what you mean and it happens to me every time. Motivation will always be temporary, that's when discipline and being hyper focused on your goals takes over from there.

deficiT said:
I've even been considering hopping on the dark web and getting some GHB, as it's something else I could get away with taking.
Click to expand...
We both know where that is going to end up <3 Try to get your mind off drugs (I know how hard that is lol)

Let me ask you man - what are your goals right now? That's what you need to be focused on right now.

House ownership, careers, peace of mind, health, hot trophy wife... all these things are better than drugs, right?

Goals are the #1 key for me, personally, to stay off drugs. I want these things more than I want to get high. I truly do.

keep ya head up brother
 
word. i’m in sober living and i got a bottle of phenibut in my drawer. i got it hoping it would mix well with my lyrica script; it doesn’t. phenibut is such a dirty high that throws your mind and body out of wack way harder than the buzz.

if you throw it away i bet you wouldn’t buy more. i’ve been telling myself to throw it away. would make a problem disappear.
 
deficiT said:
2.5g. Yeah, I probably took too much. I took 1.5 previously and didn't get any effects. I should've just taken 2g.
Click to expand...
2.5g would definitely give me dizziness and the weird "brain zaps" and visual hallucinations/flashes. Every minute or so it feels like an electric zap in your brain and I would see an accompanying flash of light/blind spot/distortion in my vision.

if you added baclofen to that, yeah, that's pretty much an OD :/ - I'm not sure about the pregab

also gotta remember that phenibut has a half life longer than 24 hours and it builds up in your system, dosing again 24 hours later is just adding to the first dose
 
deficiT said:
So yeah, my main big things are just keeping up with school and getting my own place to stay
Click to expand...
well... I'd argue those really aren't even goals just necessities. School is something you do to reach a goal. Owning a house is a goal, for sure though. I want my own place too - at 30 I had to move back in with the parents. I miss my independence. Also sucks dating when you don't have your own place.

I'd imagine you want to be happy just like every other person. Imagine yourself drug free in 10 years... in that mental picture - what is making you happy? Go for that.

For me finding a partner and getting a house are huge goals. Ultimately, though, my main goal is just to be healthy, find peace of mind and have a career that I enjoy passionately.
 
I been fucking up too brother and I am in the same boat, in and out of treament centers, halfway houses and sober living. Started taking kratom in my sober house, then started drinking and eventually got kicked out because I did cocaine with a girl.

It's only a matter of time man you know the patterns and how history has played out.

Flush the phenibut, stick the commitment you made, go to meetings and try to benefit, or get high and lose it all.

You still have hope to turn it around but for me when I'm being sneaky or dishonest about shit I always end up back on the drugs.

best wishes
 
A halfway house is a good place to be if you’re fucking up. But it’s also hard to get away from. Be better if they let you smoke pot in public housing without a piss test. Yea growing pains you get over it and move up. Who knows maybe one day bluelight is big enough to be a paying gig chin up
 
deficiT said:
When I first got sober, like every other time, I got really enthusiastic about it, always attended meetings and read the literature. Life has been getting better.
Click to expand...

This has been my downfall every time. I have all the motivation and desperation to get sober, I do so and my life gets better,

Then life begins to take priority, my girlfriend, work, the gym, etc become more important than recovery. I forget where I came from quick when just months ago I was dying from withdrawal.

Some of the withdrawals I have put myself through have been nothing short of traumatic. But the brain is trained to forget pain and recall pleasure. I forget the sweats, I forget the pain, the anxiety, the insomnia, the yawning and tears…

And further and further I drift from AA and meetings and recovery as I work overtime and spend my free time fucking around with girls.

Eventually a drink sounds like a good idea, especially if women are involved, and I begin to sneak drinks and sleep out more often to avoid breathalyzers or chances of getting caught.

Once I’ve started using or drinking, there’s no stopping for me. It lights the flame that cannot be extinguished without severe resistance.

I tell everyone around me I’m good, life’s good I’m sober but deep inside I am slowly dying a spiritual death as my conscious mind struggles to justify what I’m doing.

I suppress the fact that deep down I know I’m fucked and it’s a matter of time before a needle is in my arm, my bank account is drained and I’m alone, isolated, and fucked.

And I repeat this cycle over and over and over again never recognizing that my condition is terminal and progressive and without true sobriety and constant treatment I’m fucked beyond a reasonable doubt.

Just my 2 cents.
 
Hey @deficiT, while you have not yet achieved perfection I think you have a lot to be proud of in the insights you’ve gained and the work you’ve done on yourself after that last jail stint.

From what others have posted on this thread it’s so clear that we many are all so alike in how we let our lives unravel again and again even when everything seems to be going good and we are well aware of what will happen if we have even a little drink, sniff, shot, puff or whatever.

I think about this all the time because my life is perpetually on a razors edge where losing everything seems like a 50/50 chance most days. I have absolutely nothing to complain about in life, just about all the material things I want, a great apartment, a degree of respect from people in my field of work, pretty good health, my looks (mostly), a huge amount of personal freedom. So many people must look at my life and wish they had it. And getting it was hard. I never went to prison (though I deserved to) but I was bankrupted, couch surfing, sectioned, and at total rock bottom more than once and had to fight my way back:

Yet every other day it feels pointless and worthless and I realise I just want to get high. Even if I fight the feeling every third day or so I do get high one way or another. And every time I do I put everything good in my life at risk because I’m incoherently fucked up and can’t meet any commitments or responsibilities to any one.

After cycling through this many times over 30 years I think what drives it is a lack of emotional connectedness to other people and therefore always being lonely and also never feeling that I have meaningful purpose in the world. I’m just killing time wastefully and pointlessly until my time is up.

I don’t know about your life, but I think these two things are the drivers of self-destruction for lots of us. We’ve learned that getting high takes away the feeling of being trapped and alone in a meaningless life.

If we only knew how to really connect with people in a healthy way and could find a way to feel we actually mattered in the world I think we would soon become much less self-destructive.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top