Mental Health Think I Am Kinda Figurrin A Coupla Things Out

PtahTek

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Wanted to post in lounge (love the mods-no offenses to threes ;) ) and if they wanna retitle, remove, reword, reprimand, move or burn the sumbitch its all good to me. :)
OK, so I have had this some stuck in my head for days - maybe weeks - and it made no sense as it brought no particularly good or bad memories or emotions just gad this feeking that there was something I was missing... ya know that feelin? Mah, yall mf prolly got it all. lol
The words:

"And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it
To find it
To find it
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it
To find it
To find it
To find it
To find it
To find it"

Find fuckin what?

My fears are that I am no longer around to provide at least a sense of security for my wife and if I am not mf will always "attack" the most vulnerable (that "type" smells it). This has been such a terrifying incessant continuous weight on me for ever - well ~26 yrs.

Back to the words of the song:
It turns from "when" to "do" find her. Like yeah it's gonna happen or whatever. Sad in itself.
But what is this time shit gotta do with it I ask myself....

It actually provides the most reasonable "answer" to an age old question of mine (an possibly others) of why the fuck should we even wanna be "blessed" by waking each mornin we are "gifted". Yeah, a slight sarcasm.
Again: All I gotta do is outlive her. That's it. That is the single most reasonable to this answer afytre all the "searchin" for why we even care to stay around,

"When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it
To find it
To find it"

Thre is no other thing in ife U want more thab to make sure these fuckin jackels dont catch her alone and create a terror, fear, lonely, vulnerable, unsupported, lost etc life for her. I was just talkin this morn with a neighbor about jackels and their tactics. The most effective control tactic to remediate a pack of jackals being greedy is to lob a grenade. Literally: Tick, click...BOOM. Figuratively: Stand there and let them devour your ass.

So, one lesson learned today from years of angst and uncertainty: "Why bother trying and how the fuck is it a blessing to wake up every morning?"
"Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow"
I got no better reason to wait to see what happens tomorrow. :)

I know this is a lot of bs but something became real and a little more weight is getting lightened.
Got another one but gotta pt it into words that at least I can understand. Hold a sec lemme drop anotha mg of benz....

Gonna find out if them fuckin dogs gonna smell here... not in a jealous sense she is free to do whatever she wishes with all the support i can muster.

Edit:
Mental Health?
Yep. A good addition fo sho!





"
 
If that helps you do something to move on, I've been stuck for over a year now and last eight moths... i don't even know what it was all about anymore or who I am. I feel like im not myself, like im not there, like someone else.
Best advice i can give you, don't think that much, do something about it. I was always able to get myself together but it's been too long now, and i've lost myself in all of it. Wish you best man.
 
I've just turned against myself at some point, and that ruined me, thought i deserve this for my mistakes.
 
@n3ophy7e if not my mother at this point i would be homeless and deep in some drugs or dead, i was fighting my whole live, this time i could not get up again..
 
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