LittlBlackKitty
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2020
- Messages
- 9
I was a member here and made posts in the past but quit after two reasons. The first is a user blasted me for a post, claiming it was a long read. Administrators said you can make long posts, I checked. So, to anyone who is going to blast me for the long post, I have one thing to say to you: why the fuck are you on this page to begin with. There are other posts that are short/your standards you can read. Go read them. I am usually not rude but everything I have gone through, especially last year, has made me become a lot more of a bitch.
The second reason is a user was nasty to me regarding something I posted but since the administrators decided it wasn't nasty or anything wrong with it I had enough so I deleted my posts and quit. In real life I put up with being treated like shit/people claiming they weren't rude yet they were to me, I have put up with so many rude people that it's enough for me to say I am done with going out for walks or anything else - I only go where I have to, such as my Narcissistic Mother's house since she's paying part of the rent from my late-father's money that is my inheritance - I'm on Income Support since nobody wants to hire me; I have a disability but it's not visible, yet it's enough for people to treat me like shit, CONSTANTLY - because I'm on Income Support, I can't have more than $3,000.00 in the bank. Mom sends me the money Income Support won't pay for my rent each month; I consider the money she sends me payment for my unspoken - but obvious - job of being the scapegoat and doormat for her and anyone associated with her since if I defend myself, even though I'm not rude or vulgar, I risk losing the money). I am treated like shit everywhere; here is something I wrote this morning:
I have had it with people.
I appreciate all that mom does but just because I disagree about something or defend myself against something does not mean that I don't appreciate what she did - even if what we're talking about does not have to do with what she did.
My mother is a covert narcissist with one golden, unspoken rule (that she refuses to admit but it's an obvious rule - my late-father, who she left in 1999, even told me that this is a rule when I mentioned it to him in 2011: Thou Shalt Not Speak Thy Mind, which means no opinions are allowed to be expressed by me, which I sometimes stupidly break and am punished for. I broke this rule on Friday and was punished (screamed at, kicked out, and told to go back to my apartment). This happened despite the fact that I had just come (she picked me up) from a place that stresses me out for more than one reason - the hospital. She even took back the $2,000.00 she gave me, which was from my late-father; it was supposed to be my inheritance. If I could move I would but financial reasons prevent me from doing so; I am even forced to make her secondary holder on my bank accounts (more about that later, possibly another post).
The hospital stresses me out because of not only stressful appointments but also if I go to the emergency room I will be dismissed (this happens 99% of the time) even though I'm sick. I have a brain injury, it's a cyst on my brain since birth; it was partially removed but grew back and is now covering the entire right side of my brain and NOTHING can be done, it's too big to do any surgery to fix it. My parents and I didn't know this was growing back while I was growing up since we thought I was seeing a pediatric neurologist; in 2018 we found out, after putting in a complaint about not being properly followed by him, that he was a general pediatrician (who used exam rooms in the fucking pediatric neurology ward, that's why we thought he was a fucking pediatric neurologist) since test results were never discussed when I was sent for CT Scans, MRIs, and EEGs - if they had been we would have known the cyst was growing back and replace the shunt, it disconnected when I was 12 but that same general pediatrician said something would be done only if I was having severe migraines and throwing up. I only had those with Grand-Mal Seizures. I was having other variants of seizures as well (Simple-Partial Seizures - two versions of Simple-Partial Seizures) and Dissociative Seizures, which I found out from my adult neurologist, after having a Grand-Mal Seizure on November 15, 2008 (legal issues were involved in this, more about that later). Also, my general pediatrician would sent reports of each visit to my family doctor. The general pediatrician did the same fucking physical examination I would get at a family doctor's office. If I did this myself I would be charged with doctor shopping, this actually happened (but I got the charge dropped) when I was looking for a doctor who would take me (but nobody would since I have a brain injury; my options for doctors is limited since I can't drive due to epilepsy, taxis are expensive, and the only doctors taking new patients are halfway across the shithole province I live in - I considered it a shithole since I was 12 due to bullying; I'm in Newfoundland by the way). I was basically doctor shopping from the time I was two years old until I was 17 years old since I was seeing a general pediatrician and family doctor at the same fucking time.
I'm usually dismissed as soon as the doctor or nurse finds out, either from me or my electronic medical record, that I have a brain injury which has been present since birth. If I go there for seizures I'm accused of making it up or crazy (I was there last week and overheard one of them, whose name is Natasha - she has been nasty to me in the past, gossiping about me and how I'm just an attention-seeker; the ambulance brought me there, it wasn't my choice that this happened since it was outside the mall). I have had all three types of seizures in front of doctors (usually Simple-Partial and Dissociative due to the unique trigger) THIS HAPPENED THREE TIMES LAST YEAR, and was dismissed because of them, even though they were triggered on purpose! (If I'm not dismissed and treated instead, I'm very lucky. The doctor either didn't look up my electronic medical record or the doctor did and decided to treat me anyway, despite the fact that I have a brain injury (I have even been turned away because I have a brain injury when I came in with a swollen foot that I broke twice in the past, thanks to bullies).
It's a unique trigger that doesn't involve flashing lights. My intuition said, since I was four years old, that if I EVER disclosed the trigger, which is something non-invasive that's ironically medical (even reading words related to it make me have Dissociative Seizures) I would be treated like a lying, crazy, freak. My intuition was RIGHT. I only disclosed it last year because the seizures got worse, even involving the disturbing trigger randomly coming into my head - I feel like a freak when it happens yet nobody knows it's happening. And, when I'm triggered at the fucking doctor's office I feel like a freak the entire time since I'm terrified I'm going to have a seizure and make a fool of myself, which basically happened last year IN THE EMERGENCY ROOMS. ONE OF THOSE WAS A PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL, WHICH I LEFT SHORTLY AFTER BEING REPRIMANDED FOR HAVING A SEIZURE, WHICH I AM 100% CONVINCED THEY TRIGGERED ON PURPOSE, IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE I DISCLOSED THE TRIGGER. I actually went back there, several months later, and questioned this incident since there were options that I suggested to make the seizure less intense, NONE OF WHICH INVOLVED DRUGS yet my options were denied and I was reprimanded for having a Simple-Partial Seizure when triggered! Instead of answering my questions regarding why my suggestions were denied and I was reprimanded, the hospital tried to buy my silence with a Clonazepam prescription; the person I spoke to wouldn't talk about what the reasons could be even though she wasn't there. When I further challenged this and said that I have thought about this for a long time (and have PTSD from it; I have Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to bullying), especially the past two weeks of that month (this was in January 2021; the seizure incident with them was July 9, 2020). It took me two weeks to decide since I have only had THREE good experiences with that place since 2009! I was even calm, didn't swear or call anyone names (I have started, on December 11, 2020 calling out people, including doctors, out on their behaviour but not cursing or name calling) but was firm in January with the hospital that decided, instead of answering my questions and/or providing a proper, non-generic "we're sorry that happened to you" apology, to write a prescription and release me instead.
After having an incident at another hospital on August 8, 2020, that I was there due to seizures (including a Grand-Mal Seizure), where I was dismissed and told off for having a seizure when a woman I will NEVER call a doctor due to her behaviour triggered me (I usually just have a Simple-Partial Seizure or Dissociative Seizure when triggered and can hide it even though I'm mentally feeling like a freak due to it happening; I try not to feel this way but I do - I thought people would treat me like a freak if they knew the actual trigger if I told them when it happened and I was right) I decided I won't put up with anyone's shit anymore. The same day I was treated like shit by that woman I exited through a door that didn’t lead to the emergency department exit; there were no arrows pointing to the emergency department exit so I followed the arrows to the main entrance instead. A male doctor that heard the woman say my name yelled at me and followed me – he kept berating me for what exit I was going out of. I walked ahead of him and told him to show me the right way out then (exits apparently matter because of Coronavirus regulations). He didn’t. When I got near the exit, I said “you care more about what exit I go out of than you do about me. That is sick and disgusting. The next time you see me at this hospital I will be in a body bag, which this place has made me wish I was in more than once.” He was still following me so when I got to the exit, with my back still turned, I stuck my middle finger in the air and kept walking (I haven’t done that since nor do I curse at doctors or nurses since becoming a bitch). There are three hospitals in the area of Newfoundland I live in by the way.
On December 11, 2020 I confirmed, by a young female doctor I mentioned earlier named Natasha (who was claiming I should be in the psychiatric hospital because of my seizures - she told me this even though I told her what happened) why doctors don't want to treat me: it is because I have a brain injury. I was taken to the emergency room because of a Grand-Mal Seizure that a neighbour in the apartment building I live in witnessed. I have now spoken to the neighbour, everyone I know in the building, and superintendent about this issue and told them to NOT call 911, to call my mom instead, whose number is on my Medic Alert bracelet, which mom and, after telling my neighbours and superintendent about my experiences, agreed to). I looked at Natasha and said, "you don't want to treat me because I have a brain injury, right?" she quickly said "yes" then, when she realized what she did, tried to change her answer. I put my hand up and said "Your first answer was the truth. I suspected this for years but never asked it. I finally did and you confirmed my suspicions. I won't seek health care from anyone again since you admitted why. Thank you." I then left. Interestingly enough I have seen Natasha since then; not just at the hospital. She recently walked down a hospital corridor and said hello to everyone, including random patients just brought in. She saw me and hung her head. She did the same thing twice in Walmart in February 2021 - the first time she looked away as she passed me and the second time she hung her head when she saw me. Yet she still decided to talk about me and say nasty things when I was brought to the hospital by ambulance recently).
This post is continued in Part Two, Part Three, etc. since there is A LOT - this isn't a vent; this is basically a message that I'm done with everyone and why, if someone who personally knows me sees this they will know what shit I have been through and that I am FINISHED with putting up with it.
The second reason is a user was nasty to me regarding something I posted but since the administrators decided it wasn't nasty or anything wrong with it I had enough so I deleted my posts and quit. In real life I put up with being treated like shit/people claiming they weren't rude yet they were to me, I have put up with so many rude people that it's enough for me to say I am done with going out for walks or anything else - I only go where I have to, such as my Narcissistic Mother's house since she's paying part of the rent from my late-father's money that is my inheritance - I'm on Income Support since nobody wants to hire me; I have a disability but it's not visible, yet it's enough for people to treat me like shit, CONSTANTLY - because I'm on Income Support, I can't have more than $3,000.00 in the bank. Mom sends me the money Income Support won't pay for my rent each month; I consider the money she sends me payment for my unspoken - but obvious - job of being the scapegoat and doormat for her and anyone associated with her since if I defend myself, even though I'm not rude or vulgar, I risk losing the money). I am treated like shit everywhere; here is something I wrote this morning:
I have had it with people.
I appreciate all that mom does but just because I disagree about something or defend myself against something does not mean that I don't appreciate what she did - even if what we're talking about does not have to do with what she did.
My mother is a covert narcissist with one golden, unspoken rule (that she refuses to admit but it's an obvious rule - my late-father, who she left in 1999, even told me that this is a rule when I mentioned it to him in 2011: Thou Shalt Not Speak Thy Mind, which means no opinions are allowed to be expressed by me, which I sometimes stupidly break and am punished for. I broke this rule on Friday and was punished (screamed at, kicked out, and told to go back to my apartment). This happened despite the fact that I had just come (she picked me up) from a place that stresses me out for more than one reason - the hospital. She even took back the $2,000.00 she gave me, which was from my late-father; it was supposed to be my inheritance. If I could move I would but financial reasons prevent me from doing so; I am even forced to make her secondary holder on my bank accounts (more about that later, possibly another post).
The hospital stresses me out because of not only stressful appointments but also if I go to the emergency room I will be dismissed (this happens 99% of the time) even though I'm sick. I have a brain injury, it's a cyst on my brain since birth; it was partially removed but grew back and is now covering the entire right side of my brain and NOTHING can be done, it's too big to do any surgery to fix it. My parents and I didn't know this was growing back while I was growing up since we thought I was seeing a pediatric neurologist; in 2018 we found out, after putting in a complaint about not being properly followed by him, that he was a general pediatrician (who used exam rooms in the fucking pediatric neurology ward, that's why we thought he was a fucking pediatric neurologist) since test results were never discussed when I was sent for CT Scans, MRIs, and EEGs - if they had been we would have known the cyst was growing back and replace the shunt, it disconnected when I was 12 but that same general pediatrician said something would be done only if I was having severe migraines and throwing up. I only had those with Grand-Mal Seizures. I was having other variants of seizures as well (Simple-Partial Seizures - two versions of Simple-Partial Seizures) and Dissociative Seizures, which I found out from my adult neurologist, after having a Grand-Mal Seizure on November 15, 2008 (legal issues were involved in this, more about that later). Also, my general pediatrician would sent reports of each visit to my family doctor. The general pediatrician did the same fucking physical examination I would get at a family doctor's office. If I did this myself I would be charged with doctor shopping, this actually happened (but I got the charge dropped) when I was looking for a doctor who would take me (but nobody would since I have a brain injury; my options for doctors is limited since I can't drive due to epilepsy, taxis are expensive, and the only doctors taking new patients are halfway across the shithole province I live in - I considered it a shithole since I was 12 due to bullying; I'm in Newfoundland by the way). I was basically doctor shopping from the time I was two years old until I was 17 years old since I was seeing a general pediatrician and family doctor at the same fucking time.
I'm usually dismissed as soon as the doctor or nurse finds out, either from me or my electronic medical record, that I have a brain injury which has been present since birth. If I go there for seizures I'm accused of making it up or crazy (I was there last week and overheard one of them, whose name is Natasha - she has been nasty to me in the past, gossiping about me and how I'm just an attention-seeker; the ambulance brought me there, it wasn't my choice that this happened since it was outside the mall). I have had all three types of seizures in front of doctors (usually Simple-Partial and Dissociative due to the unique trigger) THIS HAPPENED THREE TIMES LAST YEAR, and was dismissed because of them, even though they were triggered on purpose! (If I'm not dismissed and treated instead, I'm very lucky. The doctor either didn't look up my electronic medical record or the doctor did and decided to treat me anyway, despite the fact that I have a brain injury (I have even been turned away because I have a brain injury when I came in with a swollen foot that I broke twice in the past, thanks to bullies).
It's a unique trigger that doesn't involve flashing lights. My intuition said, since I was four years old, that if I EVER disclosed the trigger, which is something non-invasive that's ironically medical (even reading words related to it make me have Dissociative Seizures) I would be treated like a lying, crazy, freak. My intuition was RIGHT. I only disclosed it last year because the seizures got worse, even involving the disturbing trigger randomly coming into my head - I feel like a freak when it happens yet nobody knows it's happening. And, when I'm triggered at the fucking doctor's office I feel like a freak the entire time since I'm terrified I'm going to have a seizure and make a fool of myself, which basically happened last year IN THE EMERGENCY ROOMS. ONE OF THOSE WAS A PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL, WHICH I LEFT SHORTLY AFTER BEING REPRIMANDED FOR HAVING A SEIZURE, WHICH I AM 100% CONVINCED THEY TRIGGERED ON PURPOSE, IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE I DISCLOSED THE TRIGGER. I actually went back there, several months later, and questioned this incident since there were options that I suggested to make the seizure less intense, NONE OF WHICH INVOLVED DRUGS yet my options were denied and I was reprimanded for having a Simple-Partial Seizure when triggered! Instead of answering my questions regarding why my suggestions were denied and I was reprimanded, the hospital tried to buy my silence with a Clonazepam prescription; the person I spoke to wouldn't talk about what the reasons could be even though she wasn't there. When I further challenged this and said that I have thought about this for a long time (and have PTSD from it; I have Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to bullying), especially the past two weeks of that month (this was in January 2021; the seizure incident with them was July 9, 2020). It took me two weeks to decide since I have only had THREE good experiences with that place since 2009! I was even calm, didn't swear or call anyone names (I have started, on December 11, 2020 calling out people, including doctors, out on their behaviour but not cursing or name calling) but was firm in January with the hospital that decided, instead of answering my questions and/or providing a proper, non-generic "we're sorry that happened to you" apology, to write a prescription and release me instead.
After having an incident at another hospital on August 8, 2020, that I was there due to seizures (including a Grand-Mal Seizure), where I was dismissed and told off for having a seizure when a woman I will NEVER call a doctor due to her behaviour triggered me (I usually just have a Simple-Partial Seizure or Dissociative Seizure when triggered and can hide it even though I'm mentally feeling like a freak due to it happening; I try not to feel this way but I do - I thought people would treat me like a freak if they knew the actual trigger if I told them when it happened and I was right) I decided I won't put up with anyone's shit anymore. The same day I was treated like shit by that woman I exited through a door that didn’t lead to the emergency department exit; there were no arrows pointing to the emergency department exit so I followed the arrows to the main entrance instead. A male doctor that heard the woman say my name yelled at me and followed me – he kept berating me for what exit I was going out of. I walked ahead of him and told him to show me the right way out then (exits apparently matter because of Coronavirus regulations). He didn’t. When I got near the exit, I said “you care more about what exit I go out of than you do about me. That is sick and disgusting. The next time you see me at this hospital I will be in a body bag, which this place has made me wish I was in more than once.” He was still following me so when I got to the exit, with my back still turned, I stuck my middle finger in the air and kept walking (I haven’t done that since nor do I curse at doctors or nurses since becoming a bitch). There are three hospitals in the area of Newfoundland I live in by the way.
On December 11, 2020 I confirmed, by a young female doctor I mentioned earlier named Natasha (who was claiming I should be in the psychiatric hospital because of my seizures - she told me this even though I told her what happened) why doctors don't want to treat me: it is because I have a brain injury. I was taken to the emergency room because of a Grand-Mal Seizure that a neighbour in the apartment building I live in witnessed. I have now spoken to the neighbour, everyone I know in the building, and superintendent about this issue and told them to NOT call 911, to call my mom instead, whose number is on my Medic Alert bracelet, which mom and, after telling my neighbours and superintendent about my experiences, agreed to). I looked at Natasha and said, "you don't want to treat me because I have a brain injury, right?" she quickly said "yes" then, when she realized what she did, tried to change her answer. I put my hand up and said "Your first answer was the truth. I suspected this for years but never asked it. I finally did and you confirmed my suspicions. I won't seek health care from anyone again since you admitted why. Thank you." I then left. Interestingly enough I have seen Natasha since then; not just at the hospital. She recently walked down a hospital corridor and said hello to everyone, including random patients just brought in. She saw me and hung her head. She did the same thing twice in Walmart in February 2021 - the first time she looked away as she passed me and the second time she hung her head when she saw me. Yet she still decided to talk about me and say nasty things when I was brought to the hospital by ambulance recently).
This post is continued in Part Two, Part Three, etc. since there is A LOT - this isn't a vent; this is basically a message that I'm done with everyone and why, if someone who personally knows me sees this they will know what shit I have been through and that I am FINISHED with putting up with it.
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