Increasingly close to getting in street brawls - I'm worried about my future

[JohnBoy2000]

First, whenever I make it out of this mental health/cognition/relationship cluster fuck, I intend to return to university.

As a grad applicant, we're police vetted, and if I have a criminal record, uni admins aren't about to put a big ass graduate applicant with convictions for violent behaviour into a program with a bunch of 18 year old school leavers, boys and girls (physiotherapy, so many gals).

i.e. a conviction here could destroy my entire future.

My back story is I decided at 22 or so I was going to break free of all historical cultural and conventional ties and live free.
I learned that being an outcast is a big no-no when it comes to girls expressing an interest in you, so from there I had to determine essentially the optimal personality - to put them at ease and make them attracted to me spontaneously.

I spent 10 years learning how to do this - and did so by applying a cognitive application based on optimal emotional flow.

However, this optimal emotional state (what I contend is an optimal personality), revealed itself as being based almost exclusively in sexual gratification - which is unfortunately closely associated with a non-externalized form of violence.

i.e. to "fuck" = a violent act, but specifically passionate, so it's like "intimate violence".

The point is, does it turn girls on?

It does.

But it unfortunately has a similar affect on men as it does on women, and if said men are of a deviant homosexual persuasion, (emphasis on deviant, I have no problem with ghey dudes, only creepy predators), it elicits their predatory deviant tendencies.

And this has happened time and again over the last 12 months.

This evening I was coming home on a train and a dude about early 20's, slightly intoxicated, made an obscene homosexual pass on me.

I came within a microsecond of going absolutely loco on this creep.
When he sensed this he immediately backed away.

Unfortunately my physiological response doesn't seem to be, "calmly handle the situation" so much as, "smash his face until he stops moving".

I've already spoken to law enforcement in relation to my concern in this regard, as one local former felon and known scumbag was persistently pestering me and I was terrified I was actually going to go psychotic on him.
We made an arrangement that they would prosecute him the next time he approached me, and I don't know if they spoke to him but, he hasn't approached me since.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Gay panic is no longer recognised in law as a viable defence when charged with assaulting homosexuals. It’s just common assault.

Gay panic defense - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[bingey]

Wish I could help you with this, sounds messed up not trusting oneself to use violence.

 

[deficiT]

What constitutes an obscene homosexual pass?

 

[G_Chem]

What constitutes an obscene homosexual pass?

That’s a good question..

Anything short of grabbing you physically, and I don’t see much reason for the aggression. Shit I take it as a compliment, say my thank yous and move on.

-GC

 

[JohnBoy2000]

What constitutes an obscene homosexual pass?

I was sat down, he pushed his groin area toward my face and began making a masturbating motion with this hand in my face.

If I hadn't shown him I was prepared to engage violently, it felt like he would have actually taken out his penis.

Then once he felt the violent potential, suddenly it was all one big joke and he was backing away.

 

[JohnBoy2000]

That’s a good question..

Anything short of grabbing you physically, and I don’t see much reason for the aggression. Shit I take it as a compliment, say my thank yous and move on.

-GC

Yeah if you saw this little piece of street trash scumbag, I'd be highly dubious of you taking it as a compliment, whether you like men or otherwise.

 

[9th Euclidean Sphere]

You’re describing sexual assault, and in that case depending on your state, you’re within legal right to defend yourself and exist the situation immediately.
IF
that was the case.

 

[deficiT]

I was sat down, he pushed his groin area toward my face and began making a masturbating motion with this hand in my face.

If I hadn't shown him I was prepared to engage violently, it felt like he would have actually taken out his penis.

Then once he felt the violent potential, suddenly it was all one big joke.

Wow. Yeah I'm sorry that definitely seems vulgar and inappropriate.

I struggle with anger too. The best course of action is to use your words the best you can. I understand you might reflexively feel violent, but it's important that you don't act on those feelings if you want to stay out of trouble. If someone were to touch you, that's a different story. But even then, there are ways to defend yourself without turning it into a brawl.

Are you sure that was someone coming on to you and not just some fucking asshole?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeah. As you describe it I think it is better to describe this guy as a sexual deviant, not a homosexual.

 

[Bella Figura]

I probably would've punched him in the dick repeatedly.

Ive had plenty of gay men come on to me over the years, doesnt bother me. But with something that invasive of personal space, I wouldn't hesitate to smash their face in.

 

[G_Chem]

Yea I would’ve gotten at least a little physical over that, anyone touching me to “sit me down” probably would only make it that far. So I completely understand your reaction now.

Agreed with @Perforated this has nothing to do with homosexuality. This was some, probably drunk, street punk that needs hit the pavement one of these days.

-GC

 

[Jabberwocky]

As you describe it, if I was highly intoxicated and in a particularly bad way that day I would definitely have gotten physical.

I probably wouldn't have curb stomped him or been that violent... I'm generally a very calm, non confrontational person but sometimes my limit gets worn thin and something can make me snap.

I think it would help a lot if I had a good way to release built up stress and emotions.

 

[negrogesic]

So you're saying your cognitive approach to an optimal personality has made you so attractive to women that homosexual men now find you irresistible

I'm a bit of a brawler by nature, i enjoy boxing and fighting, and im also a pretty man, which means i get hit on by gay men but never has it bothered me aside from maybe a few times. I did get into a bit of a scuffle once in a public bathroom but he was the very large bearded muscled probably motorcycle riding type (who appeared to be difficult to defeat in a fight) and was being very aggressive, so i hit him first very hard to incapacitate to him and left. I'd rather get into a fight with a heterosexual person it feels more right. But i havent in years due to risk of arrest, you cant settle something through violence these days without getting arrested, too many I'm a relatively enlightened man but my natural testosterone serum levels are in the near supraphysiological levels (~1000ng/dl) which made me a little edgy in my youth

Whats odd about your question is that you describe this as an ongoing problem. Where have you been hanging out exactly

 

[negrogesic]

You on TRT? 1000ng/dl is puberty levels.

No its natural. Not too long ago i came in at 980ng/dl but i lift weights alot. Its genetic though, it runs in the family (and on all sides of the family oddly enough, and accordingly so, so does prostate cancer ).

 

[JohnBoy2000]

I think it would help a lot if I had a good way to release built up stress and emotions.

This is a good point, and I'm in a unique kind of place currently; my long term hope is that I'll attain this and the problem of potentially psychotic emotional outbursts will become less of a problem.

At least that's my hope, but it's still quite theoretical.

Part of what I'm questioning about this process is, is being sexually attractive to women and being violent, does one basically come hand in hand with the other?

 

[Bella Figura]

No

 

[Jabberwocky]

is being sexually attractive to women and being violent, does one basically come hand in hand with the other?

no

 

[JohnBoy2000]

So you're saying your cognitive approach to an optimal personality has made you so attractive to women that homosexual men now find you irresistible

Whats odd about your question is that you describe this as an ongoing problem. Where have you been hanging out exactly

It's like this (I suspect this may be a long post).

Remember Ted Kaczynski? (una-bomber).
He was known for one thing or another, trying to regress technology etc., but did you know he was a cross dresser?

He felt he couldn't relate to women, and in fact contended that, to be able to relate to women as a man, one must become a woman (thus he cross dressed).

"Cognitive" application is basically self instruction, i.e. self dialogue, words we/I tell myself to influence how I think, thus how I behave.

The very first word I implemented 11 years ago, was the word "female".
i.e. become female, so you'll be able to relate to women better.
The idea was, personality wise, to become less of an imposing man bastard, be more docile and passive so women will be able to relate to and connect with you.

And, IT WORKED - I think I implemented the cue "female" for 6 months, and it worked.

But I realized having sex like that, whilst pleasant and intimate, I COULD NOT SATISFY THEM, could not make them orgasm.
The climax was weak as hell for me, and non-existent for them.

Thus the conundrum became a paradox - how to be "savage" enough to satisfy them in bed, whilst being sweet and approachable like a "female", such that they could connect with and relate to you.

The answer is all in "emotion".

Never be overtly physically imposing, but bring them into a position of highly internalized intimacy ("love"), and then when the application of violence happens for their sexual gratification, it happens only in that internalized zone.

Thus it precludes overt physical imposition, whilst still being able to apply the violence for their sexual pleasure.

To "bring them into" "love", we use the polar opposite of "love", and then emotionally guide them in....

i.e. make them crazy with "jealous", guide them into intimacy with "union", and the intimacy itself is "love".

i.e. "jealous union, love....."

And the gratification itself once they're in that intimate zone, is "force".

Thus the complete cognitive application = "jealous union, love force".

So as to your question,

your cognitive approach to an optimal personality has made you so attractive to women that homosexual men now find you irresistible

What you must understand is that, "jealous union, love...." = making someone crazy ("jealous"), then presenting with vulnerable/approachable states ("union/love"), before culminating with self assertion ("force").

The affect this has on sexual deviants = it's like a fucking lightening rod for them, it draws them like flies onto dog shit.

Women love it.
Sexual deviants get crazy (via "jealous" - which turns them on), then sense the subsequent vulnerability (via "union/love") and think, "jackpot".

It basically elicits their predatory nature - and they don't back off until they've pushed so far into my personal space (like mimicking the obscene act of masturbation on my face, as per this complaint), until they feel "force" - the assertive element, the violence.

i.e. they don't back off until they feel the potential for violence - and that only happens when they've already obscenely crossed the boundaries of my personal space.

 

[JohnBoy2000]

no

No

It's more complicated than that.

I've just made a long ass post explaining it.