Listening
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2009
- Messages
- 821
My love affair with dissociatives started back when MXE first became available in 2010. I remember that first taste so well. I was so happy, so energized, so full of creativity and vitality. I felt like a new person. Then I noticed something. "Hold on," I said to my partner, "if I close my eyes, and let go... Do you notice that too? It's..." Ohhhhhhh... The ecstasy. The oneness with the universe. The feeling of wholeness. That vibration. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...
In fact it was that vibration that I would be chasing, but seldom encountering, for the next 10 years. One thing that you have to understand is that I did not take very heavy doses: Big doses did not agree with me (I would become nauseous with little good effect). Instead I would do small bumps here and there. They were entirely functional doses, removing my baseline depression completely and pushing me to create in a myriad ways. I would also receive incredible insight into self, and be able to talk to my partner without being affected in the habitual ways, allowing me to break out of my reactionary patterns of relating. In the early days of MXE, I labeled the drug as "100% wholesome." I felt like it was a source of pure good.
Still early in our courting, I already made the disturbing discovery: Even if MXE was totally good, my relationship with it was not. Almost immediately I was doing it without ever telling my partner. My partner is a particularly judgmental person, and I am particularly sensitive to being judged. A match made in heaven. Needless to say, it was much easier to just not tell her about my life change. And so it was for the ~10 years that I continued to chase after that good vibration. Partially because of this, that chase was filled with shame, confusion, insecurity, and self-hatred.
Even in that first year, I remember getting a different batch of MXE, from a different vendor, and feeling like it was not MXE. I was convinced that it wasn't the same stuff. Where was that good vibration? This vendor-paranoia would continue with batch after batch over the coming years. I did reagent tests, with inconclusive results every time. Finally, this culminated in a slew of GCMS tests that removed all doubt that at least some of these "bad" batches were, in fact, pure MXE... That was a tough pill to swallow.
That was one of the reasons that I began experimenting with other dissociatives. I tired so many different dissociatives that I cannot name them all anymore. Whatever came on the market, I tried it. They were all pretty good in their own way. They all satisfied me to an extent, but none of them satisfied me completely. I started to think outside the box. I tried vaporizing some. I tried plugging. I tried mixing with other drugs. Still frustration, but still no stopping.
I should mention that my wife gave birth to two children throughout this adventure. I have so many memories of profound connections with my kids because of these drugs. It was amazing and horrible at the same time. The shame in thinking about it now is almost too much to bear, but at the time I felt compelled. Mostly I felt unable to face my life without the help of some altered state. It was too painful otherwise.
I probably would have continued like this, but I was paranoid about what these things were doing to my health. My doses were very low by most peoples standards, but I was doing them pretty consistently about two or three times per week. On the off days I would have chronic colds, and lack of energy, and I was petrified that this was because of my dissociative usage and that I was doing horrible damage to my body. Blood-work and other tests always showed nothing, but I was sufficiently freaked out about it much of the time.
I tried to control my usage (i.e. to take long breaks), by keeping my entire stash in the freezer, knowing that I would have to plan to get some out by letting the jar thaw sufficiently before opening it, etc. This worked sometimes, but not always. Invariably, I would have a fight with my wife and would thaw the jar and take some out. I can't count the number of times that, after doing that bump, I would then dump into the garbage the rest of what I had taken out of the jar... I created a cycle of resisting, indulging, and then regretting and finally trying to get back on track.
This went on for a while until I realized that I couldn't be trusted with this jar in my freezer. However, by this time my collection was substantial and I didn't want to just get rid of it completely! MXE isn't even available anymore and surely one day I would be mature enough to use it responsibly! Right? I had something like 10g+ of MXE (from various sources), and even more of other dissociatives in this jar. So I did what I do when anything else in my house breaks. I used krazy glue. I glued the glass jar shut and put it back in the freezer, to be returned to in a future iteration of my life (in my imagination: 20 years down the road).
Predictably, that was a short-term solution. I think I lasted something like six months before a bad fight with my wife led me to dark places and had me taking a hammer to the jar. That was a bit over a year ago. She went out of town for work and I had the kids for the weekend. I needed to release some energy. I did a bump, put my kids in my bicycle trailer, and started biking. We live in Montreal and my kids had never seen the cross at the top of Mount Royal, up close. I decided that I was going to take them there. I biked up and up and up and didn't stop until we got to the top. The last time that I had done that bike ride, I had probably been 15 years old. As we got closer, it occurred me that I had never actually touched the cross so, when we finally arrived, I stuck out my hand and brushed it, before heading back down.
As I touched that cross, I told myself, "I will end this today." When I got home I disposed of the jar, once and for all. The feeling of relief then, and in the coming days, and even now, a year later, was and is monumental. I still have plenty of battles to fight, but I'm glad to be done with that one.
Goodbye MXE. You truly were a thing of pure goodness, but you were no good for me.
In fact it was that vibration that I would be chasing, but seldom encountering, for the next 10 years. One thing that you have to understand is that I did not take very heavy doses: Big doses did not agree with me (I would become nauseous with little good effect). Instead I would do small bumps here and there. They were entirely functional doses, removing my baseline depression completely and pushing me to create in a myriad ways. I would also receive incredible insight into self, and be able to talk to my partner without being affected in the habitual ways, allowing me to break out of my reactionary patterns of relating. In the early days of MXE, I labeled the drug as "100% wholesome." I felt like it was a source of pure good.
Still early in our courting, I already made the disturbing discovery: Even if MXE was totally good, my relationship with it was not. Almost immediately I was doing it without ever telling my partner. My partner is a particularly judgmental person, and I am particularly sensitive to being judged. A match made in heaven. Needless to say, it was much easier to just not tell her about my life change. And so it was for the ~10 years that I continued to chase after that good vibration. Partially because of this, that chase was filled with shame, confusion, insecurity, and self-hatred.
Even in that first year, I remember getting a different batch of MXE, from a different vendor, and feeling like it was not MXE. I was convinced that it wasn't the same stuff. Where was that good vibration? This vendor-paranoia would continue with batch after batch over the coming years. I did reagent tests, with inconclusive results every time. Finally, this culminated in a slew of GCMS tests that removed all doubt that at least some of these "bad" batches were, in fact, pure MXE... That was a tough pill to swallow.
That was one of the reasons that I began experimenting with other dissociatives. I tired so many different dissociatives that I cannot name them all anymore. Whatever came on the market, I tried it. They were all pretty good in their own way. They all satisfied me to an extent, but none of them satisfied me completely. I started to think outside the box. I tried vaporizing some. I tried plugging. I tried mixing with other drugs. Still frustration, but still no stopping.
I should mention that my wife gave birth to two children throughout this adventure. I have so many memories of profound connections with my kids because of these drugs. It was amazing and horrible at the same time. The shame in thinking about it now is almost too much to bear, but at the time I felt compelled. Mostly I felt unable to face my life without the help of some altered state. It was too painful otherwise.
I probably would have continued like this, but I was paranoid about what these things were doing to my health. My doses were very low by most peoples standards, but I was doing them pretty consistently about two or three times per week. On the off days I would have chronic colds, and lack of energy, and I was petrified that this was because of my dissociative usage and that I was doing horrible damage to my body. Blood-work and other tests always showed nothing, but I was sufficiently freaked out about it much of the time.
I tried to control my usage (i.e. to take long breaks), by keeping my entire stash in the freezer, knowing that I would have to plan to get some out by letting the jar thaw sufficiently before opening it, etc. This worked sometimes, but not always. Invariably, I would have a fight with my wife and would thaw the jar and take some out. I can't count the number of times that, after doing that bump, I would then dump into the garbage the rest of what I had taken out of the jar... I created a cycle of resisting, indulging, and then regretting and finally trying to get back on track.
This went on for a while until I realized that I couldn't be trusted with this jar in my freezer. However, by this time my collection was substantial and I didn't want to just get rid of it completely! MXE isn't even available anymore and surely one day I would be mature enough to use it responsibly! Right? I had something like 10g+ of MXE (from various sources), and even more of other dissociatives in this jar. So I did what I do when anything else in my house breaks. I used krazy glue. I glued the glass jar shut and put it back in the freezer, to be returned to in a future iteration of my life (in my imagination: 20 years down the road).
Predictably, that was a short-term solution. I think I lasted something like six months before a bad fight with my wife led me to dark places and had me taking a hammer to the jar. That was a bit over a year ago. She went out of town for work and I had the kids for the weekend. I needed to release some energy. I did a bump, put my kids in my bicycle trailer, and started biking. We live in Montreal and my kids had never seen the cross at the top of Mount Royal, up close. I decided that I was going to take them there. I biked up and up and up and didn't stop until we got to the top. The last time that I had done that bike ride, I had probably been 15 years old. As we got closer, it occurred me that I had never actually touched the cross so, when we finally arrived, I stuck out my hand and brushed it, before heading back down.
As I touched that cross, I told myself, "I will end this today." When I got home I disposed of the jar, once and for all. The feeling of relief then, and in the coming days, and even now, a year later, was and is monumental. I still have plenty of battles to fight, but I'm glad to be done with that one.
Goodbye MXE. You truly were a thing of pure goodness, but you were no good for me.
