Things we going so well for so long... but in my typicl fashion i self sabotage, overworked myself into isolation and then quit working out and spending time wiht family and friends. Just work as much as possible, even when i didn't need to... it was overmy own businesss I thought how could working too much be n issuee.
started out with just smoking lots of weed lone or with a few friends i have left in state. Usually just after really good days or bad days. Things got stressfull nd I started taking small amounts(.5mg on a weekend( of xanax. over the last 6 months it progressed to daily, and things with business ogt even more stressful so went up to 2-4mg/day. Last month things got worse, and went on a bender, now 10 mg spaced out over the daay oesn't black me out... although extremely forgetful and uncoordinatedwhen on high odoses like right now.
antwats. the thoughts been building more and more the past 2 weeks with some family stuff and have no real friends bcause i psuhed them all away.
Th first time I remember thinking baout suicidie was about 8--9 uears old, was in tears because i could pull the tiggger. Whatt worries me now is that money isn't an issue anymore but everythomg else is and I eel to be the cause of all of them, although i know that not true probably just most of them. The idea of partioning out my savings to my few loved ones left and peacefully ending it(i've well thoguht out exactly how and where, know itd work nased off my chemistry knowledge. crude, simple and painless. remove the burden from my family, kinda quit while i'm ahead. I know theh'll wish I hadn't in the momemnt but feel like in 2-3 uears they'll be at much greater peace if not sooner.
I'mm debating getting help but i'm not goigng on antidepressants and antipsychotics. and i'll probably actually go throguh with it if sent to a psyh ward. was able ot figiure it out in solitaryy confinement but chickened out last minute because i couldn't stnad the idea of my mom and sister crying but i think i'm just ausing them more pain. I think i'm the problem and have the solation,, but clearly i''m high and not thinking ratinoal other than i should probably try to geth elp. refuse to spend money on rehab,, maybe higher outpatient counselor'
i know it's the drugs but its been there before the rdrugs. maybe try NA or sober af or sometjing
started out with just smoking lots of weed lone or with a few friends i have left in state. Usually just after really good days or bad days. Things got stressfull nd I started taking small amounts(.5mg on a weekend( of xanax. over the last 6 months it progressed to daily, and things with business ogt even more stressful so went up to 2-4mg/day. Last month things got worse, and went on a bender, now 10 mg spaced out over the daay oesn't black me out... although extremely forgetful and uncoordinatedwhen on high odoses like right now.
antwats. the thoughts been building more and more the past 2 weeks with some family stuff and have no real friends bcause i psuhed them all away.
Th first time I remember thinking baout suicidie was about 8--9 uears old, was in tears because i could pull the tiggger. Whatt worries me now is that money isn't an issue anymore but everythomg else is and I eel to be the cause of all of them, although i know that not true probably just most of them. The idea of partioning out my savings to my few loved ones left and peacefully ending it(i've well thoguht out exactly how and where, know itd work nased off my chemistry knowledge. crude, simple and painless. remove the burden from my family, kinda quit while i'm ahead. I know theh'll wish I hadn't in the momemnt but feel like in 2-3 uears they'll be at much greater peace if not sooner.
I'mm debating getting help but i'm not goigng on antidepressants and antipsychotics. and i'll probably actually go throguh with it if sent to a psyh ward. was able ot figiure it out in solitaryy confinement but chickened out last minute because i couldn't stnad the idea of my mom and sister crying but i think i'm just ausing them more pain. I think i'm the problem and have the solation,, but clearly i''m high and not thinking ratinoal other than i should probably try to geth elp. refuse to spend money on rehab,, maybe higher outpatient counselor'
i know it's the drugs but its been there before the rdrugs. maybe try NA or sober af or sometjing