Heroin I had 30 days clean...

[Prettyboy12]

I am so upset at myself. I had 30 days then relapsed and shot up a dime of black tar. Idk what to do now BC I want more...im fighting with everything I have to not do anymore!

 

[Zephyn]

I am so upset at myself. I had 30 days then relapsed and shot up a dime of black tar. Idk what to do now BC I want more...im fighting with everything I have to not do anymore!

I know what you've mean. There were times I got in my car, drove 30 minutes to score, turned around multiple times halfway through trying to fight the craving, and thus took hours to get there but eventually did it. It can be very very difficult. Usually I try to get as far away from the source of it as possible, though thats not always possible.

 

[Prettyboy12]

I know what you've mean. There were times I got in my car, drove 30 minutes to score, turned around multiple times halfway through trying to fight the craving, and thus took hours to get there but eventually did it. It can be very very difficult. Usually I try to get as far away from the source of it as possible, though thats not always possible.

Yeah I wish I could but I know to many ppl to get it from.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Realize the real point here: you are actively trying.

A relapse is not failure or admitting defeat, it's part of the process.

I beat myself up for relapsing, too, but always pick myself up and try again.

Don't hate yourself for "failing", applaud yourself for trying.

 

[Zephyn]

Yeah I wish I could but I know to many ppl to get it from.

Yeah when its like a trap house or open air market or something, or even if you have your dealers on social media i guess (tho in this case you could say, create a long string of random characters hundreds of letters long, copy and paste it and reset your password, also create a new email with username just as random, then delete history), but otherwise you can lose your phone, delete backups, and change number. I've done both of these things, for different reasons. If you can't find the inspiration, have you tried lsd? Obviously not guaranteed but its helped me.

If you have a job it can be difficult to move to another city, which I've also done, but usually because when I get strung out I get fired anyway.

Unfortunstely i have to move back to a city where there is a giant open air market in the city center with pretty high quality and often unadulterated heroin, and it makes me nervous. So I feel you. Have you thought of moving, at least for a whiel?

 

[Prettyboy12]

Yeah when its like a trap house or open air market or something, or even if you have your dealers on social media i guess (tho in this case you could say, create a long string of random characters hundreds of letters long, copy and paste it and reset your password, also create a new email with username just as random, then delete history), but otherwise you can lose your phone, delete backups, and change number. I've done both of these things, for different reasons. If you can't find the inspiration, have you tried lsd? Obviously not guaranteed but its helped me.

If you have a job it can be difficult to move to another city, which I've also done, but usually because when I get strung out I get fired anyway.

Unfortunstely i have to move back to a city where there is a giant open air market in the city center with pretty high quality and often unadulterated heroin, and it makes me nervous. So I feel you. Have you thought of moving, at least for a whiel?

Im on disability and living back with my parents. I wish I could move out and move back to Colorado but I cant afford living on my own.

 

[Zephyn]

Im on disability and living back with my parents. I wish I could move out and move back to Colorado but I cant afford living on my own.

Colorado is where that giant open air market i was talking about is

I don't know your circumstances, I struggle with mental illness myself so I've thought about applying for disability. You still are able to work part time I believe up to 2k a month. Are you unable to eventually save up and move? Is losing your dealers numbers and abandoning social media not an option? Small town?

 

[Zephyn]

Either way, wherever you go if you try hard enough you can find drugs. I recommend trying to cut contact with your dealers, and avoiding areas you know you can score. Other than that, its just sheer willpower. You got this!

 

[deficiT]

Hey buddy, it's not a total failure, and you didn't lose all of your progress in one setback. If you can overcome the cravings, you can get back right where you were. Recovery isn't a zero sum game.

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

You were able to make it 30 days, that proves that you are strong enough to stay off the shit. Mark this is a small speed bump in your successful recovery, shit happens. Find something else, anything else that is a healthy to occupy your mind.

 

[JessFR]

I am so upset at myself. I had 30 days then relapsed and shot up a dime of black tar. Idk what to do now BC I want more...im fighting with everything I have to not do anymore!

People who haven't had a heroin habit, or at least some other addiction, they can't truly appreciate how hard it is.

Just deciding not to use on the moment can take so much effort.

But you made it 30 days and you can do it again. What matters more than anything else is to keep trying. Just keep making it through the next minute, the next half hour, the next hour, the next day. Little by little. Your best is all you can do.

If you can delete your dealers phone numbers I'd recommend it. Anything you can do to create more work to relapse is creating more time in which you might stop yourself when you wanna use.

Don't be afraid to seek help, here on bluelight, NA meetings. Whoever you can get sympathetic people who wanna help.

It does start to get easier with time.

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

Definitely farrrr from abnormal. You're good man.

The amount of relapsing is heavily under-reported because of shame and addicts wanting to look victorious when pressured by the family and friends to "just stop." Opiate life is not something anyone can walk away from. Almost everyone will be back and to a degree I wonder if relapsing can be avoided 100% when trying to quit unless teleported into a place where one has zero access.

It's just most important that you do not overdose when you relapse. You won't get another chance if you're not alive anymore. Too many ghosts around here from a relapse gone wrong. No one wants to think that they'll relapse but I'm sure along the line they almost always will. Keep trying is all you have to do.

 

[Prettyboy12]

I really appreciate everyone here. Unfortunately im actually friends with the people I get my H from. Another unfortunate thing is i take daily pain meds for severe chronic pain. I take hydrocodone and oxycotin. I chose not to disclose my heroin addiction to my pain doctor.
Its a daily struggle. I do have aftercare that im doing since I completed rehab. I will be doing weekly group via zoom and I also see a shrink monthly.

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

I really appreciate everyone here. Unfortunately im actually friends with the people I get my H from. Another unfortunate thing is i take daily pain meds for severe chronic pain. I take hydrocodone and oxycotin. I chose not to disclose my heroin addiction to my pain doctor.
Its a daily struggle. I do have aftercare that im doing since I completed rehab. I will be doing weekly group via zoom and I also see a shrink monthly.

I know people will generally say "you should tell your doctor about everything" but I really disagree with this one. Unless you are trying to receive suboxone or medication of that sort to help ease withdrawals and quit--I highly suspect that most doctors would simply flag you as an addict/take away your medication/worse. I know that's very pessimistic.. but there has to be a wall between patient/doctor and its hard to navigate when you should or not tell them a certain aspect of your life.

The friendship thing with heroin buddies is going to be an insanely difficult one to conquer, lol. I won't recommend just ghosting them but I do trigger my buddy very hardcore whenever I see him despite how long he's been clean(ish) for. Its a hard topic.. but yes best of luck just keep trying

 

[Xorkoth]

The most important thing is to not beat yourself up about it, and don't fall into the NA/AA trap of feeling like your progress was lost/wasted. You relapsed, it happens. The important thing is that you had 30 days clean, that's awesome! Good job.

But trust me, I know how you feel. The "brain bug" really comes back when you relapse. But you can get past it again.