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Mental Health My "schizophrenia" is going away and I'm starting to miss it...

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
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Nov 3, 1999
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For summed up history I have over spoken about on this forum:

I did a lot of drugs. Specifically 3 years ago I did wayyyyyy too many psychedelics, too frequently, combined with alcoholism, chronic sleep deprivation, chronic stress and anxiety... blah blah blah... my brain completely fucking snapped one night.

I was unwell for 2 years - being homeless for most of the 1st. I abstained from all psychedelics for fear of a repeat episode. After about 2 years I'd say I was about 70%-80% back to normal. Then I started doing LSD again. Did it once and felt fine. I'm good. I'm back to normal... right? Well like my weird psychosomatic psychedelic addicted mind does, I started using very high doses of LSD every 10-14 days, on repeat for about 10 months. I also relapsed on fentanyl, ketamine, oxymorphone, mdma, various benzos, etc... but that was near the beginning and I got through all of that after a very nasty 2-3 week fent withdrawal. Continued the LSD, though... I'm not crazy, I thought.

I felt relatively normal during this. I was used to being about 75% less severe schizo... yet I noticed every time I took LSD my schizo symptoms would get about 5% worse...

Hahaha, well you took LSD bro, of course you need to readjust. My thinking is so backwards. I justify my drug use in the face of complete madness. Anything but the drugs.... ANYTHING BUT THE DRUGS....

Well after all that my schizo was back in force I was still tripping just as much. Then I stopped. Last trip was 3 months ago.

About 2.5 months ago I ate 50mg of sertraline (Zoloft). This drug made my schizo go haywire. My schizo went from -80% of what it used to be.... to right back where it was almost at 100%. My serotonergic system is FUCKED. SSRI's make me hallucinate vividly. Not cool.

So I never took it again. And I haven't.

Now 3 months later I am no longer getting my usual nightly hypnagogic hallucinations and... well... I honestly kind of miss them in some weird fucking way.

Every night for 3+ years when I closed my eyes I would have AMAZINGLY LUCID visuals ranging from DMT type trip visuals to out of body experiences....

Now, don't get me wrong - I would also wake up to people screaming in terror, huge rocks falling on my bed, or some other weird hallucination that would jolt me awake and produce a huge almost painful body spasm (hypnagogic jerks) - I got used to these terrifying aspects of my condition, though...

and now they're gone. Haven't had one for a week... and it used to be nightly, predictable and on time.

for 3 years I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me.... and now I think there is something seriously MISSING from me?

I wish I could explain to you the sheer beauty of magic of the visions I used to have. So damn lucid. So amazing. It was literally like dreaming while awake... accessing my brain while it's asleep...

I miss hallucinating... I miss this condition...

what the fuck am I supposed to think when falling asleep used to be a challenge and journey and now I don't even remember it???????????? Can you see through my eyes here???

For anyone wondering: My schizo is not genetic. It was diagnosed by a shrink/neurologist. Did I actually have schizo? maybe, I'm officially diagnosed with it. Maybe prolonged psychosis... But it certainly was NOT all in my mind for 3 years. I hate how many times I hear "you aren't schizo, it's HPPD". No the fuck it's not hppd, and 2 doctors disagree with you.

for me... ultimately... falling asleep is much less exciting, interesting and eventful than it used to be... and I actually miss that aspect of my mental illness.

I'm quite confident if I start taking acid again it will come back. One day.... not now.

I'm focused on as much sobriety as possible.

I do, really miss hallucinating with my eyes closed, though... I really do... but I DO NOT miss the voices and scattered distressed brain

it was almost like a free visual trip every single night... that I now miss
 
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Snafu has schizophrenia? Nah I don't see it. What can i say, most people don't know I have it lol
 
Was you ever diagnosed with ADHD, because real ADHD untreated is an early form of schizophrenia
 
@Coxenormous I have drug induced schizophrenia which seems to, in most peoples mind, resemble being permafried from LSD more than typical schizo. I have several very typical schizo symptoms, though.

I was never diagnosed with ADHD. I've been diagnosed as ADD and ADD cat. 4 overfocus (or whatever) several times
 
SnafuInTheVoid said:
@Coxenormous I have drug induced schizophrenia which seems to, in most peoples mind, resemble being permafried from LSD more than typical schizo. I have several very typical schizo symptoms, though.

I was never diagnosed with ADHD. I've been diagnosed as ADD and ADD cat. 4 overfocus (or whatever) several times
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I didn't used to do drugs. After myn hit at age 19. I'm 25 now, but wasn't doing drugs then. I do them now to cope
 
There are a lot of beautiful things in the real world. If you are driven by visual things, look into being an artist. Blow glass, make horror masks, make wigs for drag queens, spray graffiti, make fractal computer art, neon signs for stores... the list of visual arts is endless

Or just travel the world seeking the most scenic sunsets. Things that drugs do can only use the pathways already in our minds. There are other ways to ignite those pathways. They're a lot more work than drugs, but work out better in the long run

You can also invest in meditation. Spend years doing it, and you can see some cool shit in a pitch black room... or any room, if you're that badass.
 
I keep to think schizophrenia is a lazy approach to medicine. Think of it as the side effect of psychedelics. Mine was mdma.
 
ions said:
@SKL This may be true but also one sided
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OK, I was trying for a burn in the above post, but since you're answering seriously, so will I. Something of a crossover with discussion beginning here.

The perspective of the service user (a term that I don't care for but is probably best for this context) is important, but psychiatry is something of a unique beast. It's critics are very much correct that it is not like other branches of medicine and this includes the level of ontological certitude in it's diagnoses. One would generally not generally think to critique the work of one's surgeon after a cardiac bypass and, even if there were a bleed-out or an infection, one finds these results distressing but nobody questions the discipline surgery or the existence of obstructed arteries. Psychiatry is very much different as it concerns either the perceptual or the behavioral aspects of the human experience (and these two are, in fact, tightly intertwined.)

One has interactions with psychiatrists either because one's perceptions sufficiently disturb him, or because his behaviors sufficiently disturb others. People who fall in the latter category are often understandably distressed by the experience if treatment is not to their liking (a particular problem in today's environment where it is exceedingly difficult to hospitalize someone involuntarily, especially for any productive length of time; therefore, there is no time for proper treatment to take place even though the very distressing involuntary hospitalization is already in place.)

All of this leads to a hot mess when doctor and psychiatrist disagree. However, this doesn't mean that the underlying facts of psychiatry are wrong. Psychiatry is on shaky epistemological ground when it gives diagnoses, this is true, but it is on very sound footing when it gives treatments because these treatments help many people. These two things ought not to be confused.
 
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