Pushing people away

[MsDiz]

Just to add there is more than one way to be violent and it’s not always physical.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Could it be the case they don’t tell you because they worry about you reacting negatively?

Maybe.

I guess i should ask people but i never really cared until i recently came to realize that fucking everyone just avoids me, it feels like.

It took a lot of losses to introspect this.

 

[MsDiz]

Maybe.

I guess i should ask people but i never really cared until i recently came to realize that fucking everyone just avoids me, it feels like.

It took a lot of losses to introspect this.

I understand and I’m sure it confuses you a lot. I think it would help you to ask those questions though. Try to be sincere and say that you’d like to know where things went wrong so you can work on it for the future.

Like you said, you aren’t a mind reader and as much as you don’t care really, it would do you good to understand people better.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Of course i care - i want to treat my future wife like a princess. I just meant it took all the losses to finally hit me.

Yeah i need to phrase it as im becoming a better person otherwise i won't get an honest answer - you're right.

Tempted to FB call my 500 person graduating class to ask but maybe ill just have to fail a couple more times.

I asked my most recent ex why she thinks im cruel and she more or less told me that she can't figure out if my intentions are good or bad. Probably not the best person to ask since ive already lost her trust.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@madness00 I vividly remember one of our first interactions. I think it was in a DM but I’m not certain. Anyway I’d formed this opinion of you as a very intelligent and quite sensitive person from your public posts since I’d joined. Then one day you mentioned something about your police charges and I just naturally assumed you’d been stitched up for some non-violent drugs charge as often happens in America and said I thought it sucked.

However, then you blithely responded with something like “Oh no. It was violent”. There was no sense of regret, remorse, or even explanation or justification. I found that response so jarring in comparison to everything else you post on BL I initially thought you might be a bit psychopathic and thought I should best avoid you like I do other violent people (except for some reason @DeadManWalkin' and @TripSitterNZ). You went from a person I thought I really like to one I was really dubious about.

Anyway I can see now you might have some blind spots in how your interactions might be perceived other people. I don’t think you are as casual or unfeeling about hurting people as that interaction suggested. And as I’m sure you can tell, I am very glad we have continued interacting here.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

@madness00 I vividly remember one of our first interactions. I think it was in a DM but I’m not certain. Anyway I’d formed this opinion of you as a very intelligent and quite sensitive person from your public posts since I’d joined. Then one day you mentioned something about your police charges and I just naturally assumed you’d been stitched up for some non-violent drugs charge as often happens in America and said I thought it sucked.

However, then you blithely responded with something like “Oh no. It was violent”. There was no sense of regret, remorse, or even explanation or justification. I found that response so jarring in comparison to everything else you post on BL I initially thought you might be a bit psychopathic and thought I should best avoid you like I do other violent people (except for some reason @DeadManWalkin' and @TripSitterNZ). You went from a person I thought I really like to one I was really dubious about.

Anyway I can see now you might have some blind spots in how your interactions might be perceived other people. I don’t think you are as casual or unfeeling about hurting people as that interaction suggested. And as I’m sure you can tell, I am very glad we have continued interacting here.

I truly appreciate your feedback. No one ever breaks it down like that to me.

And man, i am sensative. Especially when i smoke weed i get very docile and introspective and start to over think things that normally i wouldn't even care to analyze.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Anyway I can see now you might have some blind spots in how your interactions might be perceived other people. I don’t think you are as casual or unfeeling about hurting people as that interaction suggested. And as I’m sure you can tell, I am very glad we have continued interacting here.

Thank you. I like you too.

And i don't enjoy hurting people.

Hurt people hurt people.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Ayyy, @Atelier3 bro.. why you gotta do this to me? I'm a good diplomatic guy.
I'm honestly pretty calm once you get to know me. I look a lot of shit through my fingers.
Let's go talk about this.. just you and me.. behind the bar... just talk... bro...

It’s a common misconception that people with ASPD can’t feel love or loneliness because that’s just not true. It may not be to the same degree someone without that diagnosis feels it but it’s still valid.

This is a good read. It would be interesting for you too @DeadManWalkin'

Life with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)

Receiving a Personality Disorder diagnosis can be really difficult and can come with a lot of negative associations attached. There are many who disagree with the medicalising of these experiences altogether. But for a lot of people, a diagnosis is a way to understand their problems and find a...

www.mind.org.uk

Yeah, I definetly feel emotions and can get attached to people. I hate when I was honest about this shit to one chick, she'd always use it against me in arguments "Oh, you don't feel anything anyways."
That's not how it works, I wish I didn't feel anything at all. I think it's more of how you process your feelings and handle them.
Not having empathy can also come from coming from an envirioment where it's seen as weakness and sometimes having empathy is literal weakness.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Yeah, I definetly feel emotions and can get attached to people. I hate when I was honest about this shit to one chick, she'd always use it against me in arguments "Oh, you don't feel anything anyways."
.

Fuckin 100%.

People use it against me too saying i fake cry and shit. Well, maybe i can overdramatize but i cant fake cry.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Fuckin 100%.

People use it against me too saying i fake cry and shit. Well, maybe i can overdramatize but i cant fake cry.

Yep, some people try to label you just as the diagnosis to oversimplify you.
It's just in a negative way. I think my diagnosis has done me harm, because sometimes I end up thinking like "Oh well, I'm like that anyways" and justify dumb things with it.
We oversimplify people all the time, because they're extremely complicated.
Trusting people is oversimplifying. It's like a deal that goes like this
"Okay, you're complicated as fuck. I don't wanna think about it and all the possibilities, so here's the rules, you do what you say and I do what I say."

 

[MsDiz]

I’ll be honest with you too. I would class you as being higher on the ASPD spectrum.

I think you’re very good at charming people and playing a part but I have seen posts of yours where the mask slips and it’s clear you’re very typical ASPD. It’s very natural for someone with ASPD to mimic in order to fit in.

I want to reiterate again though, there are a lot of misconceptions about ASPD/psychopathy. There are millions with that diagnosis but the media only shows the ones who are at the very very extreme end of the scale. That’s why I shared the link of that guys life, to show it’s a personality disorder and it doesn’t always mean a person has no understanding of love, even if it’s in their own way.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

.
It's just in a negative way. I think my diagnosis has done me harm, because sometimes I end up thinking like "Oh well, I'm like that anyways" and justify dumb things with it.

I get like this sometimes too.

But i posted this in H&R for a reason. I'm trying to learn to break old habits.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

I’ll be honest with you too. I would class you as being higher on the ASPD spectrum.

I think you’re very good at charming people and playing a part but I have seen posts of yours where the mask slips and it’s clear you’re very typical ASPD. It’s very natural for someone with ASPD to mimic in order to fit in.

I want to reiterate again though, there are a lot of misconceptions about ASPD/psychopathy. There are millions with that diagnosis but the media only shows the ones who are at the very very extreme end of the scale. That’s why I shared the link of that guys life, to show it’s a personality disorder and it doesn’t always mean a person has no understanding of love, even if it’s in their own way.

Thank you for being honest.

Yeah totally - like DMW said, i feel great emotions. I know love. Sometimes i say it when i don't mean it and it's HARD to know how much you really care until something drastic happens.

I feel like a lot of my sadness is just self pity though, with break ups for example. So its hard to know.

 

[MsDiz]

Thank you for being honest.

Yeah totally - like DMW said, i feel great emotions. I know love. Sometimes i say it when i don't mean it and it's HARD to know how much you really care until something drastic happens.

I feel like a lot of my sadness is just self pity though, with break ups for example. So its hard to know.

I think it would be hard to come to terms with for anyone. I do think you should speak more openly with your psychologist though. They are there to help you and ASPD can be managed well enough to help you lead somewhat of a normal life, if that makes sense?

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

I think it would be hard to come to terms with for anyone. I do think you should speak more openly with your psychologist though. They are there to help you and ASPD can be managed well enough to help you lead somewhat of a normal life, if that makes sense?

TBH, Diz, last year she called me "treatment resistant".. Yeah, to talk therapy.

It's tough because i want to desperately be accepted for who i am, but i know who i am can off putting. So i need to be better about not making people run.

 

[jose ribas da silva]

i think that there are so many stupid people in the world that is difficult to meet someone nice and as the time goes by one is not able to deal with bullshit anymore so that is hard to have new friends because of the high standards

 

[MsDiz]

TBH, Diz, last year she called me "treatment resistant".. Yeah, to talk therapy.

It's tough because i want to desperately be accepted for who i am, but i know who i am can off putting. So i need to be better about not making people run.

I imagine you pushed back a bit but really she should know that you would do that and she should have tools in place to help.

I think you just need a bit of social education I guess. It’s nice to be accepted for who you are but it’s also a two way street. This makes it tricky to be in a relationship with someone with ASPD and for them to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand.

Keep going to her though, keep trying. It’s a new year, if you want it enough you’ll get there.

 

[Sirena Oscura]

Snap. This could be me exactly. I have absolutely no problem initially interacting with people and (as far as I can tell) most people who meet me think I am a super nice stand-up kind of guy. I’ve basically never turned down an opportunity to help someone to the extent of my abilities and within the bounds of common sense (I’m not re-homing the homeless guys in my neighbourhood in my spare room for example).

Yet I basically have no friends except a few people who are weirdly persistent about staying connected to me but that I don’t really see often.

I’ve spent years trying to understand this because I actually feel really lonely in life. At different times in my life I thought it was different things. In no particular order:

1. My tendency to push boundaries when manic (way worse when younger). I would do risky things outside the bounds of what people around me would consider socially acceptable. People just felt I might unexpectedly embarrass them in front of their other friends/parents/employers.

2. My tendency towards introspection that makes me go silent for long periods. People apparently assume I’m angry with them or not interested in them or not engaged with being with them. In actual fact I just tend to forget that they are there while I’m thinking my thoughts.

3. My actual anger (way worse when younger). This was a non-specific anger not about anyone or anything in particular, but it would cause me to shut down people and conversations with a sarcastic, cruel, or dismissive one-liner. It was like I was daring people to keep liking me in spite of revealing myself to deep down be a cunt.

4. Being intellectually intimidating and making people feel insecure. I used to think I was always right and I never hesitated about making every question the topic for a winner-takes-all-debate in which I had to prove I was right. I most often was, but I really lacked any empathy for the other person because I thought only the idea mattered and it wasn’t personal. But people always take things personally unless they are actually in debate club.

Basically, I can/could put on really charming and engaging persona when first interacting with people but over time other aspects of my personality would start leaking out and scare/upset/alienate people. However, I don’t think I am psychopathic because that initial engaging persona was authentically me also - just not all of me. Though as I get older I think it is becoming a bigger part of me - but now I am gun-shy about trying to make new friendships/relationships.

I like the way you write. 35% of the time you’re like this... but then the rest of the time you engage in the same degeneracy as others on this site. I’m glad you posted too- I know you started talking to me and I got little pangs of guilt when the convos wouldn’t last like I was doing something wrong or I should try harder (I probably still am, but in this case I believe you’re probably the same and it takes two so it’s both of us at least).

 

[Sirena Oscura]

I myself am great at pushing people way- mostly subconsciously. I’m kinda glad for it really. Look I’ve tried people, they’re just not for me. They bring drama I don’t want. I’m actively trying to avoid meeting new people. Everyone seems great and puts on a great impression first up but then it all goes down hill. I wish people were just their worst selves first up so I can know what kind of asshole I’m dealing with, whether I wanna deal with that or not. Depends how much of an asshole they are. But they’ll never tell you straight up...

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

I think it would be hard to come to terms with for anyone. I do think you should speak more openly with your psychologist though. They are there to help you and ASPD can be managed well enough to help you lead somewhat of a normal life, if that makes sense?

Sometimes for sure, but often not - anyone at or beyond a certain point in the spectrum is gonna struggle in a big way

madness doesn't sound anywhere near that point though so your assertion is valid in this instance