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Exhausted I Feel the Weight of the World Crushing Me

Ketamania

Ketamania

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Dec 30, 2017
Messages
1,120
Location
Running with the wild horses in ketamine land
I haven't had any sleep at all this night, and I have a shit ton of assignments due tomorrow because work takes takes up half my week. Somebody broke into my car two weeks ago. And my car isn't getting out of the shop until a week later than projected because the parts were on backorder. I have to order new tires for my shitbox ford ranger so my fiance can go to work in the snow and I'm frankly running very low on money.

I'm working my ass off (in a depressionall health care job) to cover as many expenses as I can but my expenses are getting greater than my income.I can only work part time as a full time college student, and even part time leaves me little time to do school work. Working=less time for school so my grades are suffering. I missed a group project which was large part of my my grade and my teacher won't let me do anything to get partial credit, even though she took down the discussion board so we couldn't communicate with our classmates.

I'm just so freaking overwhelmed right now I feel like my head is about to explode. My fiance and I are moving to a different apartment this week and we haven't started packing, and in addition to moving I still have work and school to do.... I very possibly may have to retake one of my classes putting me behind schedule of my 4 year degree.

I wish the world would just freeze for like a week in order to get all this stuff done. I truly envy all the college students who have parents to pay for everything. They think they have it hard and complain, well look at me. I'm a self made college student who pays for everything themselves since my parents are dead, and it is no easy task. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but it is not easy and I feel like breaking down every day.

It is so nice to vent. I know my struggles may not be anywhere close to you guys, it just feels good to get it out. It'd be good to just get just some permanent relieve.
 
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BellaJewel said:
Hi @ashwolf22101,
Did I read in another forum that you were taking courses to earn a biomedical, biology degree or something of a similar nature, and you are also working p/t as an EMT?
I’m not going to respond here further until I know
I’m responding to the person I have in mind, in
case I’m confusing you with someone else. Please respond here.
Click to expand...
Yup that's me!
 
Hey man, just hang in there. It can only get so bad before it has to get better.
I was a manager at a gas station working 50 hours a week and going to college full time at night with a two year old at home. It was really rough and hard to balance that. I started using meth and everything went downhill. Later down the road I ended up dropping my classes because I wasnt disciplined enough to do my homework and j got fired for oversleeping so many times from staying up so much. That was just the start of my downward spiral. Just hang in there.
And moving sucks ass. Just try to do it and get it over with and you will feel happy and relaxed in your new place.
 
Fuck man, you're strong. Don't forget that. I've cracked under far less pressure, many times.

Don't know what I can say but alot of clichés, but this shit will solidify you for the future.
After each breakdown I've had, I've become more resiliant to stress;
eventually that stress will feel like summer-rain and you my friend, will be fucking GoreTex.
 
There's something there, right, that is pushing you in this direction? Something that tells you that what you are doing is RIGHT. What you're dealing with is the resistance of living up to YOUR expectations, YOUR goals, YOUR dreams. And if you've got to where you are today having lost what most people take for granted and never expect to lose, what you have within you is stronger than you could ever begin to realize. I never lost my parents but I was adopted and they used the adoption to exploit me because they are both narcissistic/sociopathic and so while they never died, what represents them died along time ago. They pretty much did die. I mourned them way before I was even old enough to understand what was going on. I will never have that relationship and at the age of 15-16 I had to go into the big wide world alone with more mental, emotional, psychological baggage than twice my bodyweight.

I'm not sure if you'll see this message because it's been nearly a month and I know sometimes people like to post to vent and then disappear. Either way, you're a leader my friend. YOU are what WE need in society today. YOU are what we need to preserve and what others need to recognize and appreciate. Some people genuinely are struggling more than others and while it's not a competition, the loss of family way before that time is due is one of the hardest things to face. My entire family never existed. I know what it feels like. The key? Getting off the start line and if you're holding down a job, paying for college, looking after your girlfriend, maintaining a relationship, setting life goals and you're able to actually have the humility and the vulnerability to write your message? You are the fucking man. Don't ever let anybody or anything make you think differently.

You are the man. You might not see it but it's people like you that are the shining light in this sometimes dark world.
 
finitelifeform said:
There's something there, right, that is pushing you in this direction? Something that tells you that what you are doing is RIGHT. What you're dealing with is the resistance of living up to YOUR expectations, YOUR goals, YOUR dreams. And if you've got to where you are today having lost what most people take for granted and never expect to lose, what you have within you is stronger than you could ever begin to realize. I never lost my parents but I was adopted and they used the adoption to exploit me because they are both narcissistic/sociopathic and so while they never died, what represents them died along time ago. They pretty much did die. I mourned them way before I was even old enough to understand what was going on. I will never have that relationship and at the age of 15-16 I had to go into the big wide world alone with more mental, emotional, psychological baggage than twice my bodyweight.

I'm not sure if you'll see this message because it's been nearly a month and I know sometimes people like to post to vent and then disappear. Either way, you're a leader my friend. YOU are what WE need in society today. YOU are what we need to preserve and what others need to recognize and appreciate. Some people genuinely are struggling more than others and while it's not a competition, the loss of family way before that time is due is one of the hardest things to face. My entire family never existed. I know what it feels like. The key? Getting off the start line and if you're holding down a job, paying for college, looking after your girlfriend, maintaining a relationship, setting life goals and you're able to actually have the humility and the vulnerability to write your message? You are the fucking man. Don't ever let anybody or anything make you think differently.

You are the man. You might not see it but it's people like you that are the shining light in this sometimes dark world.
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Hey man I really really appreciate that. I just came back and saw all these responses and it made my day. Your response (and many others) mean a ton to me <3
 
cduggles said:
How are you doing now? ❤️
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A lot better actually! My psych adjusted some of my meds and I've been on winter break so I've gotten some self-care time. I've been drawing a lot recently. I'll post them somewhere (I just don't know where.. hmm..). Although, I have been stressed and anxious lately about starting school back up. So today I dropped a hard class and replaced it with an easier one since I'm already taking organic chemistry. Thanks for asking!! <3
 
ashwolf22101 said:
A lot better actually! My psych adjusted some of my meds and I've been on winter break so I've gotten some self-care time. I've been drawing a lot recently. I'll post them somewhere (I just don't know where.. hmm..). Although, I have been stressed and anxious lately about starting school back up. So today I dropped a hard class and replaced it with an easier one since I'm already taking organic chemistry. Thanks for asking!! <3
Click to expand...
That’s great. I’ve been following this thread, hoping that you are okay!
You can start your own thread in LAVA for your art or post in this one: https://www.bluelight.org/xf/threads/share-your-artwork-v-bls-got-talent.510670/

I’m taking just one class and it’s so stressful, so I sympathize. I think you made a good decision to focus on organic chemistry. I liked biochemistry a lot better!
 
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