Lost I see the spiral happening, I feel guilty about my secret, but I also love it, i feel all over the place.

[Kara7490]

I'm maybe 6 months or so into my drug habit, which so far contains adderall presses (really just for the meth, tbh) and i dunno if klonopin counts bc i was on that for years and i'm finding i'm taking more now, but just so i can sleep. basically everything was 'okay', you know the bs that you tell yourself. I was going to work, feelin good, wasn't tweaking, had that nice subtle mood lift, little energy, plus extra focus that I didn't even notice, until I did, if that makes sense. The suppression of appetite? the best part but we'll get to that. so i work in a hospital, and don't worry, i wasn't intoxicated at all, or tweaking, i just feel like, i did not put anyone in danger, i know you have your doubts, and i'm not going to argue bc i don't blame you. then, i got covid. all of the sudden i'm home all of the time with nothing to do. that was exactly 3 weeks ago. now my entire way of life has changed. and to add this in, i am not covered by 'covid pay' because i did not have a positive test. Here's the bullshit about that, our institutions administration and even employee health said that during this second wave they're getting multiple false negatives from those who worked through the first wave (me).

so, three weeks, at home, isolation... once i felt better it wasn't so bad. i live by myself in a nice little studio, i just have lingering breathing issues so my dr won't allow me to go back to work. and now, as you can see, i stay up all night on the computer, sleep during the day, and literally do nothing but sit on my bed with my computer. I had a tearful zoom session with my family, asking for their help bc i can't afford rent, and felt awful bc i'm thinking, it's all the drugs. otherwise id be okay. my sister immediately venmos me a couple grand, which i haven't touched. two days later she gets covid. like, fuck! shes doing okay thankfully. So I wake up, take my pills, and off i go into my little world. but now i'm up all night. i've actually not slept at all once and felt fine. i'm thinking, and so it begins... my main worries through all this? i still need to buy my drugs. because above all i need to keep my appetite suppressed. so now i have a relapse of my eating disorder plus a substance abuse issue.

I've had an eating disorder for like, 15 years maybe? I've been in treatment programs, i think 10 times exactly. now that i've found pills that suppress appetite, illicit or not, here we all. i'm lying to my therapist and doctor who are planning on fighting my employer for covid pay for me, i'm living this secret life that's betraying them. if i'm a night owl, then so be it. i worked night shift for 11 years. but, obviously, new cause for insomnia.

I'm hoping that this week I can return to week. with reduced hours, but i'll take it. sometimes i just get in this reflective state of what the FUCK am i doing? and it's all going to come out at some point. i'm kinda surprised my dr & therapist haven't asked for a drug test yet. anyways i could go on and on. i don't feel unstable, i'm aware of the bad decisions i'm making, and i'll be sent to collections before i use any of my sisters money. I guess, I don't know what i'm asking, no one knows anything, that i know of. my best friend who lives overseas, i did tell her but now she won't speak to me because i'm 'anesthetizing' myself through life (so?) but she did what she felt she had to do. I know a majority of you all have been through this point. and i'm not even asking for advice, though it is welcome. how did you handle it when your old life was twisting into your new drug life, but you're not so detached that you still have a ton of guilt. okay i'm pretty sure almost everyone here has been where i am. just venting. respond with anything. even a gif. sorry so long.

 

[MsDiz]

As someone who also has an eating disorder and who’s watched loads of friends die from theirs I’m gonna tell you a harsh truth. If you’re taking meth to suppress your appetite and you’re not eating. With a history of inpatient for eating disorder? You’re going to kill yourself. Your heart will fail, without a shadow of a doubt.

I guess you need to ask yourself if it’s actually worth it. You need to focus on the things tying you to this earth and try to make positive changes. You also need to be honest with your therapist and Dr about the meth and how a big factor is your eating disorder. It’ll be hard but they will help you.

You already know the future for you if you keep this up. You’re already asking family for money.

If you need to talk my PMs are always open.

 

[Kara7490]

Yes, kpins count. You have a benzo habit. I would imagine this is effecting you more than you know. Benzos are the wildest addiction that exists. You are taking handfuls of stims, then staying up all night, then taking a bunch of benzos to come down. This certainly fucking counts and is actually worst than the adderal. Your CNS is being destroyed with them too. Sadly some doctors script these like candy without knowing what they actually are.

How often do you take them? How much do you take? When you take more, how much more do you take? When was the last time you have been without them for like a week?

By no means am I say to stop them. You are on them for what?

But here is a little something to show the severity of kpin dependence. Certainly a drug!!!!!

Yes, yes I know it's a drug, it was poorly worded, and obviously I need to start looking at my scripts differently. The only other questionable one is gabapentin which I take 200mg in the morning. I know some people like the feeling they can get from higher doses, which i could see but it's a high that's not for me. Anyways back to kpin. Some days I take none, sometimes 1mg, sometimes (written for max daily of 2mg)i'll take 3mg. I've been on literally every benzo (well the commonly known ones, ativan, xanax, valium, i think that's it) through the years. Depression, anxiety, eating disorder, blah blah, the whole package. I've found that seroquel can work better sometimes when i get that empty, depressed feeling at the end of the day coming down. my seroquel script dose is 50mg 3xday as needed, and usually 25 mg is enough, maybe 50. last night i took 50mg because I was trying to not take the kpin, that is the truth - i already know you don't believe it, which is not meant to be bitchy, just honest. Anyways - back to benzo withdrawal, I would get it (well barely) with valium when I wouldn't bother taking it bc it stopped working, and the next day it was so painful to move my hands. that was the only random symptom i got and then id take like half a pill and it went away. Venting late at night, i tend to word things poorly and also for sake of the length of post, i didn't go into the kpin. thank you for reading all of that, by the way, truly. I don't really know what else to say, again thanks for responding. I hope you are doing okay.

 

[Kara7490]

As someone who also has an eating disorder and who’s watched loads of friends die from theirs I’m gonna tell you a harsh truth. If you’re taking meth to suppress your appetite and you’re not eating. With a history of inpatient for eating disorder? You’re going to kill yourself. Your heart will fail, without a shadow of a doubt.

I guess you need to ask yourself if it’s actually worth it. You need to focus on the things tying you to this earth and try to make positive changes. You also need to be honest with your therapist and Dr about the meth and how a big factor is your eating disorder. It’ll be hard but they will help you.

You already know the future for you if you keep this up. You’re already asking family for money.

If you need to talk my PMs are always open.

Yes, I am asking my family for money. And I'm not sure if that means I'm asking them for drug money, or if I need this help bc of the money I blew on drugs, or just pointing out that it's a behavior that can be a sign of what may come. I'm guessing it's a little of each. To maybe make things a little clearer, my rent is $1700. I got sick in the beginning of december, just as I was about to pay rent, but ended up not paying bc I found out I'd be taking unpaid leave, until further notice. $3400 I owe my landlord. Bills I haven't even calculated. Three paychecks I have lost. I can tell you I have not spent $3400+ on drugs, because before I shamefully asked my family over zoom I reviewed the total I've spent on crypto. I needed to know the damage I had done, and if I'd still be asking them if none of this ever started. It know it doesn't matter that would need help anyways, because the point is that Id be better prepared. My parents have not given me anything, and I have not asked again. My sister sent me money as soon as I asked over zoom. I have not spent my sister's money on drugs, I respect her too much to do that. I haven't spent any of it. So if there's any thought out there that I will, you're wrong. Call me out on fucking up my heart. Yes I am, and the chest pain I get when I breathe since I've been sick could be a lingering symptom or my heart fucking up. I've seen friends die too, I've seen women in their 50s and 60s spending their lives bouncing around treatment centers. My original plan when I took leave was to just get sent to collections for bills and file for hardship for my rent, and live off what I had. That plan changed when my doctor wanted to admit me, which I knew would keep away from work even longer. Thankfully they chose not to admit me last minute, therefor collections is still my plan with my hardship already filed. My sister took care of me when I was sick as shit from my ED, from staying in the ICU with me to driving me around to my appointments when I was on disability leave at home. She took care of my dog every time I was inpatient, even paying vet bills. She paid for both our rents for probably a year. She drove me halfway across the country to my 'last resort' treatment center, and then drove half across the country taking me home. I don't deserve everything she did and continues to do for me. Her money is the only money I've been given so far, my parents asked last night if I needed more and I said no. Sorry to go off like this. I know you didn't mean that comment to be taken in such a specifically hurtful way, but sometimes things hit a nerve in you like that. But I can tell you, as you can see, it did make me think. It really did. I know everything you said is right, but, I just needed to make it known, not my sister, that's the only way I can think to say it, if that makes sense. Shes one of the things tying me to this earth, like you said. And you can always PM me too.

 

[MsDiz]

Yes, I am asking my family for money. And I'm not sure if that means I'm asking them for drug money, or if I need this help bc of the money I blew on drugs, or just pointing out that it's a behavior that can be a sign of what may come. I'm guessing it's a little of each. To maybe make things a little clearer, my rent is $1700. I got sick in the beginning of december, just as I was about to pay rent, but ended up not paying bc I found out I'd be taking unpaid leave, until further notice. $3400 I owe my landlord. Bills I haven't even calculated. Three paychecks I have lost. I can tell you I have not spent $3400+ on drugs, because before I shamefully asked my family over zoom I reviewed the total I've spent on crypto. I needed to know the damage I had done, and if I'd still be asking them if none of this ever started. It know it doesn't matter that would need help anyways, because the point is that Id be better prepared. My parents have not given me anything, and I have not asked again. My sister sent me money as soon as I asked over zoom. I have not spent my sister's money on drugs, I respect her too much to do that. I haven't spent any of it. So if there's any thought out there that I will, you're wrong. Call me out on fucking up my heart. Yes I am, and the chest pain I get when I breathe since I've been sick could be a lingering symptom or my heart fucking up. I've seen friends die too, I've seen women in their 50s and 60s spending their lives bouncing around treatment centers. My original plan when I took leave was to just get sent to collections for bills and file for hardship for my rent, and live off what I had. That plan changed when my doctor wanted to admit me, which I knew would keep away from work even longer. Thankfully they chose not to admit me last minute, therefor collections is still my plan with my hardship already filed. My sister took care of me when I was sick as shit from my ED, from staying in the ICU with me to driving me around to my appointments when I was on disability leave at home. She took care of my dog every time I was inpatient, even paying vet bills. She paid for both our rents for probably a year. She drove me halfway across the country to my 'last resort' treatment center, and then drove half across the country taking me home. I don't deserve everything she did and continues to do for me. Her money is the only money I've been given so far, my parents asked last night if I needed more and I said no. Sorry to go off like this. I know you didn't mean that comment to be taken in such a specifically hurtful way, but sometimes things hit a nerve in you like that. But I can tell you, as you can see, it did make me think. It really did. I know everything you said is right, but, I just needed to make it known, not my sister, that's the only way I can think to say it, if that makes sense. Shes one of the things tying me to this earth, like you said. And you can always PM me too.

It’s hard when you’ve had an ED for so long. I get it. I’ll never recover, I’m classes as functioning eating disordered. That means I’ve to live up to certain expectations and they can admit me to inpatient easily if I don’t keep above a certain weight. I’ve bloods done/ekg ecg done every month, if anything is off I am given 3 days to rectify or I’m back inpatient. I manage because I have to.

You did take the money thing wrong but if it made you think and that helps then whatever, it wasn’t meant to be cruel though.

The meth and the ED though, having an ED on its own is bad enough but the pressure you’re putting on your heart will be massive. Your sister loves you very dearly and I’m not saying get better for her because that doesn’t work, but think about all the positive things you can both experience when you do decide to get on that road to recovery.

Christmas is a hard time and I hope you made it through ok. Am here anytime

 

[Kara7490]

Interesting.

Lots of scripts. Can I have your doctors number

So gaba, seroquel, and kpins. Yes, these are all drugs Of course viewed at as such. You need to try and get to a level where you are taking the same dosage, same time, etc. So you are the most stable. See what is working for you and what isnt, etc. Not wanting to take kpins, then taking a huge dose, or taking something more to compensate. You probably do need the kpin daily. You will probably feel much better I think after you stabilize. Also we all have that fucking covid stress. Especially hard when using drugs. Throws us off.

Well you need to eat. Do you at least take vitamins? And like fruits? Dont even think of it for your body. Think of it for your brain. Or if you can get like a nutribullet and get one down a day. I don't know anything about eating disorders. But do know taking lots of drugs and not eating will make you feel like shit. Mind and body. But your brain is really more important.

I would never touch an adderal today as it may just give me a heart attack. But would certainly do them when I was super drunk and lots of benzos. Would get tweaked from sniffing them. Better than coke. Plus it was legit. Then of course take a ton of xanax to knock it away and sleep.

Would imagine those pills you are taking with the benzos are the same. I have a little experience. Maybe did seroquel 10 times in my life. Fucked me up pretty good each time. Gabapentin used in opiate withdrawal, but not a lot, and cannot say it did much. Combined, and with a benzo. Its probably very helpful

Perhaps if you lower the levels a bit, look better at your health...you might not even crave those adderals.

Had a WTF am I doing feeling in like august. This whole covid shit and my drug usage. People around me, etc. Scared me into cleaning up a bit. My depression got less, but anxiety got more. Its like the world is at a halt. We are all stuck Later.

Interesting.

Lots of scripts. Can I have your doctors number

So gaba, seroquel, and kpins. Yes, these are all drugs Of course viewed at as such. You need to try and get to a level where you are taking the same dosage, same time, etc. So you are the most stable. See what is working for you and what isnt, etc. Not wanting to take kpins, then taking a huge dose, or taking something more to compensate. You probably do need the kpin daily. You will probably feel much better I think after you stabilize. Also we all have that fucking covid stress. Especially hard when using drugs. Throws us off.

Well you need to eat. Do you at least take vitamins? And like fruits? Dont even think of it for your body. Think of it for your brain. Or if you can get like a nutribullet and get one down a day. I don't know anything about eating disorders. But do know taking lots of drugs and not eating will make you feel like shit. Mind and body. But your brain is really more important.

I would never touch an adderal today as it may just give me a heart attack. But would certainly do them when I was super drunk and lots of benzos. Would get tweaked from sniffing them. Better than coke. Plus it was legit. Then of course take a ton of xanax to knock it away and sleep.

Would imagine those pills you are taking with the benzos are the same. I have a little experience. Maybe did seroquel 10 times in my life. Fucked me up pretty good each time. Gabapentin used in opiate withdrawal, but not a lot, and cannot say it did much. Combined, and with a benzo. Its probably very helpful

Perhaps if you lower the levels a bit, look better at your health...you might not even crave those adderals.

Had a WTF am I doing feeling in like august. This whole covid shit and my drug usage. People around me, etc. Scared me into cleaning up a bit. My depression got less, but anxiety got more. Its like the world is at a halt. We are all stuck Later.

I had never considered seroquel a recreational drug. it just sedated the hell out of me. Seriously it is? because i initally started taking it in the hospital and had no choice, same with gabapentin, 800mg 3xday actually. thats how i know those things make you high, but was not enjoying it. then i enter the drug world and see them mentioned here and there. And 50mg of seroquel... are you familiar with those doses? the typical psychiatric dose is like, 300mg sometimes up to 800. For some reason doses less than 100mg are typically used on an as needed basis for anxiety or insomnia. Sorry I'm getting all nurse-ish on you. Gotta keep up my skills somehow lol. I just don't want you thinking I'm pouring massive dose of seroquel and gapapentin down my throat every day.

Yes I do eat fruit and take vitamins. Actually everything I eat is pretty healthy. Going through a protein drink phase right now kinda. I eat weird food. but everyone with an eating disorder eats weird food.

and yes covid really fucked me up, i live the US's original 'hot zone' and let me tell you... and being a nurse too... fuck. For a few weeks, there was never a time where you didn't hear at least one ambulance siren. That's not an exaggeration, you'd hear multiple, just all of the time. They just never stopped. And yeah, you hear them every day, but you also hear other city noises too. Not during covid. No one was out on the streets, walking or driving. Just sirens. And then seeing that shit at work, you try so hard, you legit care, and cry and panic and never stop wiping everything down, scrubbing, washing your hands... and then you just stop. its like youve exhausted your reserve of caring. You still clean, scrub, wash your hands, etc but not like you should during a pandemic. you're just like, fuck it. maybe thats where I took a wrong. into a guardrail. and now we're back at it all over again. ugh.

 

[Deleted member 521610]

had a eating disorder for 20 years avoidant selective eating really only ate like 3 foods cured it to a extent via unconventional methods to rewire the brains response while eating with very high dose psychedelic. I was addicted to stimulants for over a decade and got clean in 2018 but was still addicted to mdma which did a heavy number on me but finally got clean of mdma this year. Adderall addiction can be overcome i know the feeling after been on it so long hardcore depression inability to do anything without it etc. I can see your family deeply loves you as you sister wired you that money so i would recommend reaching out and coming clean to them and getting support with a professional. I was like 55 kg during my stimulant addiction and looked like a walking zombie. After my recovery i shot up to 88 kg within a year crazy rebound after two years now i saw massive improvements in all aspects of my mind.

 

[Kara7490]

had a eating disorder for 20 years avoidant selective eating really only ate like 3 foods cured it to a extent via unconventional methods to rewire the brains response while eating with very high dose psychedelic. I was addicted to stimulants for over a decade and got clean in 2018 but was still addicted to mdma which did a heavy number on me but finally got clean of mdma this year. Adderall addiction can be overcome i know the feeling after been on it so long hardcore depression inability to do anything without it etc. I can see your family deeply loves you as you sister wired you that money so i would recommend reaching out and coming clean to them and getting support with a professional. I was like 55 kg during my stimulant addiction and looked like a walking zombie. After my recovery i shot up to 88 kg within a year crazy rebound after two years now i saw massive improvements in all aspects of my mind.

And like, that's the thing. I know it has to come to an end. so what am i waiting for? to crash and burn? i don't know. i don't have any answers for the stupid shit I do. sometimes i cant stop thinking about it all, then other times i pretend like none of it exists.

 

[HatingThisLife]

I had an\p[o eating disorder for 7 years, started in middle school as a outlet to find control over something in my life as my parents went thru a dysfunctional ppseparation and all thru high school and in to college. I started out in 8th grade as bulimic at age 13, at 14 as a freshman in HS I joined cross country and track. I ate extremely healthy and was in great shape, I was barely ever throwing up bc I was very competitive and training at a high level. My junior year i ended up injuring my achelis tendon and was sidelined most of the cross country season, still ate ,be?,ry hesjkrtnm I took handfuls of dimetadrine (spelling?) (When it still had ephedrine when ephedrine was still legal) its similar to hydroxycut. I waa getting bottles from GNC that were $50 for 90 ct. I eating and snorting xanax bars to level myself out and/or sleep.