I don't know if this is the right place, but ...

[tubgirl.jpg]

I pretty much lost my sanity for a while after I got mock-executed. gYou accept that you will die, and you close your eyes. My life was such a mess, a bullet would be a nice solution. I didn't think that much about family and friends; I thought about all the things I wanted to do, but now, I would never do them.
That stung, but I knew everything would soon shut down.
But no bullet came. The empty chamber rattled between my teeth.

After this, accepting that I'll die and then survive, it turned my view of life and death and everything between upside down.
Most of the core values I had died; most of what I'd call illusions now, but dreams then, evaporated.

I've had two jobs since then.
But it ends up the same way; I'm thinking to myself, this is stupid. This is meaningless.
I'm selling off my life by the hour, and I'm not going to be, nor do, want a carrer within a corporation.
At my last job, I just walked away. Dropped the tools, took my clothes and went home.
Sent my boss a text.
I quit.
Bu
Since then I've been living with my dad in his big apartment; four bedrooms, two toilets, two people.
I've decided to fully commit myself to what I've been half-assing for a long time; I'm gonna write.
I most likely will fail; I won't be a new Bukowski, Baer or Palahniuk;
that's fine by me.

But I'd rather fail doing something I love than fail at something I hate (Bukowski said something like that).
I've been broke, homeless at times, living in small rooms, barely making rent and having cash for food and leisure.

Now I sling MD and tabs and a mix of other fun things for a "paycheck".

I don't want to be old either. At 50, I'll clock out. Having made that decision is an enormous relief.

I've got a debt I haven't paid a penny to for over three years. I bet I owe them closer to 250k.
That doesn't concern me either.

I spend my days cleaning the house, writing, meeting homies, writing some more, and then some.
I do what I feel like even though I'm (almost) always verging on being broke.
Having no money is not a burden to me, it makes things easier

Fuck the human drama. From up above, we're bugs under the sun.
Until one day, we aren't.
When that day comes, I want to feel I did my life the way I wanted, disastrous or not.

Have I gone completely off the rails here?
I'm happier that I've ever been.

 

[bongdong]

Have I gone completely off the rails here?
I'm happier that I've ever been.

Hey @pulverstaden. It would be nice if you don't harm other living things or refrain from actively destroying stuff, but other that that, I think you should do whatever the fuck you want! Insanity is just another label/word/construct after all. When you ask people, they will give you their opinion, whether this is useful, realistic or the "truth" is up to you to decide.

Good on you for feeling happy. How is the drug taking fit in there? You know, when one stops giving a shit, it sometimes feels like a big release; if that is meant by happiness, I don't know. If that's the trip you are on, I don't know either, but it looks a bit like that.

Anyway, take care (or not).

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

Hey @pulverstaden. It would be nice if you don't harm other living things or refrain from actively destroying stuff, but other that that, I think you should do whatever the fuck you want! Insanity is just another label/word/construct after all. When you ask people, they will give you their opinion, whether this is useful, realistic or the "truth" is up to you to decide.

Good on you for feeling happy. How is the drug taking fit in there? You know, when one stops giving a shit, it sometimes feels like a big release; if that is meant by happiness, I don't know. If that's the trip you are on, I don't know either, but it looks a bit like that.

Anyway, take care (or not).

Hey man!
I would never harm another person or animal, unless they come at me, going for the kill.
I adhere to the satanic commendments, but wouldn't call myself a satanist. If you haven't read them, its mostly about showing respect against others, not hurting animal, children or your fellow man.

As for the drugs, I'm off the opiates completely. Just took me six years.
I've been tapering my Valium use from 100mg/day (traumatic experiences made me get on then, just to get my life together) to 5mg/day.
I do speed now and then, LSD, ketamine and other psychs mostly.

I give a shit about alot of things. Just not the normal things like stuff, buyin a house, settling down. Growing up.
I dont mind people doing that, but alot of people seem to mind my new approach to life. I just laugh. Why should I get mad?

Yeah, its a trip, but isnt life just that?
I just dont want to regret not doing what I want. I compromise, of course. I have friends I love, and Ill go througg a hailstorm of bullets for them.

Anyway, take care (really, take care: enjoy your rise)

 

[Jabberwocky]

Its fantastic that you managed to get off opiates, im very much struggling with that but are psychedelics really helping your situation? Lotta ppl say that those are good for their mental health but I completely disagree, I think they fuck you up without you even knowing... it also makes me super sad knowing that im getting old (im on my twenties but....) my all time dream has always been fighting in ufc but even if I started a serious training program right now I would barely make it haha

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

Its fantastic that you managed to get off opiates, im very much struggling with that but are psychedelics really helping your situation? Lotta ppl say that those are good for their mental health but I completely disagree, I think they fuck you up without you even knowing... it also makes me super sad knowing that im getting old (im on my twenties but....) my all time dream has always been fighting in ufc but even if I started a serious training program right now I would barely make it haha

Yeah, they do still, after close to ten years of using themd. I dont take them often like I used to.
They "fuck you up" in the sense that they make you question just about everything instead of droning away. But sure, I've seen people completely loose. A childhoodfriend was taking LSD as often he could: near the end, before his suicide, he was off his head.

Yeah, getting old is a bitch. But we're born mainly to reproduce, and then, well die. Thats why I dont want to get past a certain age.

If you wanna train say muay thai just to be om UFC, are you sure thats the right reason? I dont mean to sound nasty, but if its the sport and not the fame that interests you, Id say go for it!
I've trained kickboxning, started at 25. It was awesome.

Im starting again now, at 33, as soon as this Corona shit is over.

Opiates man, those devilish chemical... How is it going for you? Hope your making progress!

 

[neversickanymore]

I'll read you. Its often a powerful insight gained at a moment like that.. its induction into real freedom.

I have never been enamored by the straight life, but given my years these days I sometimes contemplate having done it that way... nahh, that is not for me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeah, they do still, after close to ten years of using themd. I dont take them often like I used to.
They "fuck you up" in the sense that they make you question just about everything instead of droning away. But sure, I've seen people completely loose. A childhoodfriend was taking LSD as often he could: near the end, before his suicide, he was off his head.

Yeah, getting old is a bitch. But we're born mainly to reproduce, and then, well die. Thats why I dont want to get past a certain age.

If you wanna train say muay thai just to be om UFC, are you sure thats the right reason? I dont mean to sound nasty, but if its the sport and not the fame that interests you, Id say go for it!
I've trained kickboxning, started at 25. It was awesome.

Im starting again now, at 33, as soon as this Corona shit is over.

Opiates man, those devilish chemical... How is it going for you? Hope your making progress!

what i mean when i say they fuck u up is that they fuck with your head in a way that you cannot control and sometimes it goes awry and what then?
i'd like to know your friend's story so i can keep warning my friends who use psychedelics all the time....
i'm more afraid of reproducing than i am of dying or getting old unless i find a very special and capable partner
the reason i want to fight in ufc is because it´s the highest level a fighter can achieve
today i thought i was doing ok in my recovery but i have a roommate who is way more addicted than i am and has no intention of getting better so he brought some black tar home and i could not resist, i got two fat shots before going to the dojo... but its nothing compared to what i usually consume so im hoping to start again tomorrow...

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

what i mean when i say they fuck u up is that they fuck with your head in a way that you cannot control and sometimes it goes awry and what then?
i'd like to know your friend's story so i can keep warning my friends who use psychedelics all the time....
i'm more afraid of reproducing than i am of dying or getting old unless i find a very special and capable partner
the reason i want to fight in ufc is because it´s the highest level a fighter can achieve
today i thought i was doing ok in my recovery but i have a roommate who is way more addicted than i am and has no intention of getting better so he brought some black tar home and i could not resist, i got two fat shots before going to the dojo... but its nothing compared to what i usually consume so im hoping to start again tomorrow...

Well, I've had well over 100+ trips. I've had a couple of rough trips , but I've never had any lingerin' effects from that.
If things were to go truly awry, then it does. I gamble more with my sanity and life when I drink than when I drop LSD.
But yeah, there's definately always a risk that everytong goes to shit during a psychedelic trip.
I'm just really comfortably on it. And I'm ok with what's at stake.

Well, my friend probably isn't the best example; long before his acid-period in the end he was abusing everything from Lyrica to Fentanyl.
He was not a healthy individual to begin with. A person with his menal issues shouldn't have been eating acid like M&Ms.
The people I know who've had psychotic episodes on psychedelics shouldn't have been taking them in the first place - they either fucked up set&setting, or psychedelics aren't right for them. Alcohol isn't right for me. I become dangerous, to myself and others.

In all probability, they won't listen because of anecdotes. Sometimes you have to learn by getting burnt, unfortunately.

That sounds fair, and I get that. But now that being in UFC is out the window, does that mean it's not worth it?
What I'm asking is, does one have to excell in whatever they're doin to do it?

Shit man, that's fucking tough! One would think he could be a bit discret?
You can do it man!

 

[bongdong]

..it also makes me super sad knowing that im getting old (im on my twenties but....) my all time dream has always been fighting in ufc..

Seems that you set yourself up for some suffering, which is totally ok btw., but it's not like you are going to succeed in 'not growing old', you know what I mean? A buddhist monk I learned a lot from once said:

It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have lost at all.

I wonder if you get this. I was once into martial arts too, but it was relatively clear that I would never compete/be successful on an external level, I frankly just don't have the bone density for that. But there were many other aspects that intrigued and challenged me.

Lotta ppl say that those are good for their mental health but I completely disagree, I think they fuck you up without you even knowing..

They "fuck you up" in the sense that they make you question just about everything instead of droning away.

I'm not out to take a personal standpoint here, but to say 'they just fuck you up' is only half ot the story I think. They certainly do something with/to you resp. they enable something. But then, isn't that the point after all? I find these statistics staggering that show that, (don't quote me on this) around 70-80% or something of people who have had a deep psychedelic experience, consider these within the 5 most important events in their lifes. That says a lot (and I actually see myself among them). But I think e.g. being open/receptive and watching someone close die can shake your world just as much as the psychedelic experience, but we frame it differently due to our culture. Anyway.

I have never been enamored by the straight life, but given my years these days I sometimes contemplate having done it that way... nahh, that is not for me.

Yeah, it seems, when you start out in life, everybody and everything tries to aim you at the track. But then, for whatever reason, there sometimes for some people comes this red/blue pill matrix moment where you either manage to stay on track (with the biological and cultural program) or deviate, but unlike in the movie, I don't think there is an option of going back, in what we call life. Once off the well worn-out path, you're off.